self titled

FEED ME, SEYMOUR!

2012-01-30T05:53:00.000-08:00

I hate when I cook for people and they alter my fucking food. Like this weekend I had carrots in my fridge that I was never going to eat because carrots, well, carrots are like one of those books like "the secret life of bees." I'm aware it exists and I hear people talking about it but am I ever going to read it? No, and I don't know why, I just know that I'm not. Carrots are like that except nobody talks about them because they're boring. Anyway I didn't want to throw these carrots out so I roasted them with some garlic and onion and then I stuck it all in a blender with some broth and cream and shit and made soup and it was delicious. I had to make some for my mom, pretty much just because I knew she would ask for the recipe and I could be like BITCH PLEASE, I DON'T USE RECIPES, and everyone's heads would explode in wonder at my culinary genius. Except what actually happened was that my mom told me it was interesting. When someone tells you something is interesting it means they hate it and they don't give enough of a fuck to feign enthusiasm. I know because I tell people that things are interesting all the time. "hm, interesting," I say, ten thousand times a day. Anyway I know my carrot soup was not interesting so I asked her what the fuck she was talking about, and it turns out she put ginger in it. And it probably wasn't real ginger, it was probably powdered ginger that expired in 1994 because she's a hoarder, which we can talk about another day. She probably didn't even taste it before she put ginger in there because if she had WHY WOULD SHE HAVE PUT GINGER IN THERE. Here's a secret I can tell you from when I used to be a consultant. If you have a super intense job interview like say you want to be a CEO or something and they take you out to dinner afterwards they are going to watch to see if you do shit like salt your food before you taste it, and if you do they aren't going to hire you because clearly you are an idiot. Haha, like any CEOs or future CEOs are reading this blog. What was I even talking about. Oh, if I make food for you and you alter it in any way I will never make you food again. You don't ask someone to make you food and then add shit to it, it's insulting. Would you go to Alinea and tell Grant Achatz to hold the foam on your fucking weirdo experimental food from the future? You probably would. And yes I'm comparing myself to the chef from one of the best restaurants in America, possibly the world. My boyfriend that I'm married to puts ketchup on everything I make, so now if he ends up dead you know I killed him and why.

On Beauty

2012-01-17T15:33:00.000-08:00

That's a Zadie Smith book, right? On Beauty? Maybe she'll sue me. Anyway. Here's what I didn't like about the first four chapters of The Hunger Games. I read the whole thing but I can only talk about the first four chapters because that's how much I was supposed to read for my book club. I completely suck at being in a book club. Anyway. Katniss. That's the main character, she's 16 and she's named after a post apocalyptic potato. She's a super badass: clever, calculating, good with weapons, pretty fucking stoic, blah blah blah. Kind of like Lisbeth Salander. She's also pretty terrible looking, but only because she doesn't give a shit. Uh, again. Kind of like Lisbeth. When her mom makes her take a bath and put on a dress she is breathtakingly stunning, which is good, because eventually she's going to realize she's not as tough as she thought and totally needs a man, and what kind of man wants a ugly chick, am I right? I mean I'm just guessing, I don't really know what's going to happen by the end of the series, but yeah, that's totally what's going to happen. Anyway that is fucking annoying as shit. Why can't she just be ugly. Or hot. Can't she just be fucking hot and know it? No, she can't. You have to BE hot but you're not supposed to put forth effort or even KNOW about it. Ya heard? Be naturally hot but have no idea, and don't do anything lame like give a shit. Be super skinny while eating a block of cheese! Have beautiful skin and when someone asks if you're wearing makeup say EW OF COURSE NOT, WHO HAS THE TIME? You know what else, I don't even know how to be beautiful because I don't even know what beautiful is. Remember in 2008 or whenever when everybody was hating on Hilary Clinton for being such an ugly dog (Buzz's girlfriend. Woof!) but then they all thought Sarah Palin was attractive? I might be insane but I'm pretty sure Hilary isn't any worse looking than Sarah fucking Palin. You guys, the media is tricking is and I no longer know if I'm pretty. Or I'm pretending I don't.

I have a lot in common with Kanye West

2012-01-16T15:39:00.000-08:00

I just read the hunger games. I liked it and I didn't like it. If you haven't read it it's pretty much about Bella from Twilight except she lives in the future where she is forced into a battle to the death with 23 other adolescents, including not-a-werewolf-Jacob. Anyway, I liked it more than I didn't like it, and now I have to read the rest of the series. Please tell me it's a trilogy and I'm not going to have to wait three years for Suzanne Collins to write the fourth one like I did with the Harry Potter series. I didn't particularly like the Harry Potter books at the time that I read them, but after reading Twilight I was forced to reevaluate my standards for young adult literature and my revised opinion is that they are fucking great. I'm reading Kafka on the Shore now. Murakami. When I read Murakami I feel like I'm reading something written by the coolest motherfucker alive. Then I close the book and look at his picture in the back and marvel at the fact that the coolest motherfucker alive is an old ass Japanese man. One day I will write as well as Murukami, and I will publish a book and get a huge advance and pay off all my student loans and win a booker prize. I truly believe this because my whole childhood consisted of adults telling me I was exceptional. I'm not sure if I should carry on this tradition of delusion with my own kid because I haven't decided if its desirable to be a bigger megalomaniac than Kanye West.

Read this, then listen to me talk on yesjessica's podcast

2012-01-05T15:47:00.000-08:00

So it's a whole new year. Jesus Christo! I need to blog more. Remember when I used to blog all the time? That was before Jessica started making me read all these terrible books for our podcast. Oh, wanna hear me talk on a podcast? Go to yesjessica.com, she links to it. I would link to it but I'm writing this in notepad. One day I will get my shit together, but today is not that day. I just finished reading outliers. Fucking terrible. Why am I not writing horrible idiotic books where I sloppily sum up research other people did and then collect obscenely large checks for it? I'm just as lazy and stupid as the idiot that wrote that book. WHY AM I NOT MAKING STACKS? Whatever. Maybe I'll write a book on parenting based on that piece of shit book. BASED ON THE MEGA BEST SELLER, OUTLIERS, the cover will say. I'll sum up a book that sums up a bunch of articles, make it even more palatable for the masses. Here, let me chew up this book and spit it into your mouth.

Hm. What else besides outliers. We are going to read hunger games next. The hunger games? Oh god, am I turning into on of those old people that puts "the" in front of places it's not supposed to go? Like "are you sending it through the email?" please don't let me turn into one of those sort of olds, they break my heart. Anyway, I picked the hunger games because I need to read everything that everybody else has read. How else am I going to know how much value to place on everyone as people if I can't judge their literary choices? I'm also reading Kafka by the Shore right now, by Murakami. If you don't like Murakami I don't think we can be friends. Although I do wonder how he gets away with describing what people are wearing all the time. Isn't that something you're not supposed to do? I don't care, I totally want to know what everybody's wearing, because contrary to the popular opinion of moms everywhere, life IS a fashion show.

If you hate getting presents you can send yours to me.

2011-12-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

So Christmas is this week. I love Christmas because I love presents and I also like shiny and sparkly shit. I am like a bird that way. You know what, that would be a great present for my baby, a canary. Anyway I read an article this week about presents and how they suck and nobody should give or get them. Ew. I'm so glad I'm not friends with the idiot that wrote that article. What kind of person doesn't like getting presents. Probably the kind of person who over thinks everything. I over think nothing. Again, like a bird. That's not true but I wish it was, that I could hang out on a telephone pole all day thinking about nothing. I would be so dumb. And so happy. Anyway. Some people go crazy over presents. They worry about getting a present from someone they didn't get anything for. Bitch, please. Stop worrying about asinine shit. I love getting presents from people I didn't get anything for, it's called getting something for nothing, something some people will tell you never happens, so fucking embrace it. Who cares if they think you're a rude asshole, if you cared so much about their friendship in the first place you probably would have gotten them something, right? You should let that be your Christmas present to yourself: not caring if every idiot that you know likes you or not. I don't care if anybody likes me and it feels fucking great, let me tell you. And some people do still like me if you can even believe it. If I get someone a present and they don't get me one I assume they are secretly poor. Or that I like them more than they like me. Both of which are fine. I like being friends with poor people and also people who don't like me that much. If I didn't get you a present it's probably because I spent all my money on Thai food and proactiv and have none left. The chick that wrote the article about hating presents was pissed because people always buy her shit she doesn't like and if she wanted it she would have gotten it for herself already. Wow, what a dick. Also, this chick myst be a fucking A + consumer, having all this knowledge about every product that exists and already owning all of the ones she wants. There's lots of stuff i don't have that I want, I probably even want things that I'm not even aware of their existence yet. Those are the best presents! And guess what I do if I get a present I don't like, I give it to some loser who likes crappy shit. Then it's just like I never got it in the first place. Now that Borders isn't a place I bet I'm going to get a lot more crappy shit than usual, but I'm not going to get stressed out about it, because I'm not hung up on shit like reciprocity. That's my holiday guide for you, only get presents for people you want to get presents for and if you get something you hate set it up on top of a sawhorse in your yard and shoot guns at it. Happy holidays.

The closest thing to a love letter I will ever write.

2011-12-17T11:44:00.001-08:00

When I was a kid I was obsessed with Stephen King. I read all his books in grade school and my mom told me I should be reading real literature instead. I have no idea why she didn't think Stephen King was worth my time, I think he's a great writer and I should know, I've read every book ever written. Anyway, I was looking at my fucking cute baby in the middle of the night last night when I was supposed to be sleeping and I started thinking about Pet Semetary. Ok I read that book when I was probably like eight and as far as I can remember it's about this family who buries their cat in an ancient Indian burial ground and it comes back from the grave, but evil, and then their son who I think was named Gage (wtf kind of a name is Gage) gets hit by a car and they bury him in the pet cemetery even though he is obviously going to come back evil, which, at the time, I was like THESE PEOPLE ARE SO DUMB THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A TERRIBLE IDEA. Anyway I was looking at my baby last night and thinking, I understand now, I'd totally bury her in the pet cemetery. Have you ever woken up to find some dude you slept with watching you while you're sleeping and you have to pretend you're still asleep because it's so weird? I have, and I seriously fucking hope they weren't thinking about burying me in ancient burial grounds. Anyway the baby comes back to life and the mom is so excited and runs to him and the evil baby stabs her like a million times. To death. Does the dad then bury his dead wife in the pet cemetery? I don't remember, but holy shit, that book isn't even about zombie cats and magic devil babies, it's about grief. And then what did I do, I cried. I don't allow myself to cry during normal life because crying is for freaks and losers, so this is what happens, I eventually wake up at 4am, think about a book I read in 1988, and cry like an idiot. Isn't there also a girl in that book with like spina bifida named Zelda? Damn, now I totally want to re read that book.

HBD

2011-12-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

My birthday was on Tuesday, I'm 100 years old now. When I started blogging Tony Pierce was 103 and I was like 24. Now Tony is 103 and I'm 100. What the fuck, he's like high school girls, always staying the same age while Matthew McCoughnehay keeps getting older.

I forgot what I was going to talk about because the fat man next to me in this train had me all scrunched to the side in my seat and I just decided to engage in a ten minute battle for my seat back. Sorry dickhead, I was here first.

My coworkers forgot to decorate my desk on my birthday so it was kind of like I was Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, except I'm twice as old as that. THIRTY TWO CANDLES.

Well, fat man next to me is listening to ludacris now and all I can think about is the time I told Mandy that ludacris is the Fallout Boy of rap.

Because I bet you're dying to know what I think of popular literature

2011-12-12T06:30:00.000-08:00

Books. I spend a lot of time reading. I don't know why I like it so much, I just do. Right now I'm reading this book called outliers by Malcolm Gladwell which I can't talk about yet because Jessica and I are reading it together and we are supposed to discuss it on the Internet later. Spoiler alert: I hate it.

What do you guys think of when you hear the name Malcolm? I think of Malcolm Jamal Warner and then I think of Malcolm X. I've read the autobiography of Malcolm X at least four times but I still think of Theo Huxtable first. Isn't that fucked up?

Anyway. I'm going to read the hunger games next. I always have to read everything everybody else is reading because I'm obsessed with pop culture. So like twilight and the girl with the dragon tattoo. Twilight, oh my god, what a fucking creepy book. Spoiler alert. The werewolf falls in love with a baby at the end, but that's ok you guys, because he's not going to fuck her right away. I don't think i even need to add anything to that, but if you want more reasons why i thought this series was terrible, it's supposed to be this great love story between the human and the vampire but I read the whole fucking series and at the end of it I still had no idea what either one of those boring motherfuckers liked about the other one. I sort of can't believe that the twilight series is not about a teenage girl in an abusive relationship that has built a fantasy world in her head in order to deal with her shitty reality. That's what it's really about, right? No? I'm supposed to take it literally? Fuck.

The girl with the dragon tattoo. Oh my god, y'all. The first 100 pages is about banks or something. This must have held the average persons attention as everybody in the free world has read it which, how is that even possible, it didn't hold mine at all and the instructions on the back of a shampoo bottle can hold my attention. I kept reading it anyway because I hate myself. The main character is this emaciated little biker chick who is a total badass genius hacker or whatever, but then SPOILER ALERT IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE 2ND BOOK IN THE SERIES she gets breast implants. It makes no sense for the character and I don't recall it forwarding the plot in any way. It also makes no sense how much they talk about Ikea in this book.

So now I'm prepared to read and hate hunger games. Although maybe I'll like it, I liked Harry Potter so you never know. Also as I was typing this my brother texted me to ask what I want for my birthday and I said 1Q84 by Murakami, because I need to make sure I still know how to love the written word after reading all of these horrendous books.

REJECTION

2011-11-30T05:20:00.000-08:00

I've never been rejected in my life. Until today. WHAT THE FUCK. Rejection is fucking gay and I hate it. Here's what happened, I submitted a shitty story I wrote for publication and I got denied by some motherfucker named Brad. No last name just Brad. I FUCKING HATE THE NAME BRAD!!! How come you don't want to give me your last name, Brad? I gave you mine! WHAT THE FUCK! Fuck you Brad, for making me be on a first name basis with you. Of course after I got rejected I immediately wondered if all of my friends were laughing behind my back at how terrible my story was. Crazy, no? THE REJECTION IS CAUSING ME TO LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND. I immediately texted all of them to tell them I was rejected and to accuse them of being bad editors and bad people, and they were all like "well rejection is a big part of being a writer." to which I said, being a writer is fuckinh terrible, you don't get paid and they make you feel like shit." I said it just like that, with an h at the end of fucking and everything, which tells you how shitty I felt: so shitty that I decided spelling no longer mattered.

Does spelling matter? Have you ever been rejected? Tell me all about it in the comments! (I have to practice writing bullshit like that because editorial writing is all anybody wants from me, sad face.)

It's Cold

2011-11-29T05:54:00.000-08:00

I guess it's cold outside now. I don't know, I don't think its that cold, I'm not wearing a scarf and that's how I tell if it's cold or not, but I guess for some people it's cold, and they are complaining about it on Facebook. PUSSIES. Kind of dumb, use of the word pussy there, since I'm pretty sure pussies are super strong muscles that are best known for getting all ripped up during childbirth, where as if you kick a man in the dick he will roll around on the floor for three hours crying, so maybe I should have said DICKS, but whatever, I'm just using the misogynistic lexicon I was handed. What was I talking about? PUSSIES. I truly hate people who complain about the weather. ON FACEBOOK. I can't even think of anything more boring. It's like, if you're outside in the freezing cold updating Facebook on your phone you should probably just put your phone away and put your hands in your fucking pockets and you'll be a lot warmer. Idiot. If you're inside I don't know why you're complaining, you're inside, isn't it warm in there? I personally love cold weather. Nobody sweats and everybody smells good all the time, and my hair looks really good for four consecutive months. Also snow. Snow is awesome and beautiful, and it makes everything really soft so you can throw yourself on the ground and not get hurt. It's like having mattresses everywhere. I guess not everyone gets a excited about throwing themselves around like a small child as I do. Which I guess is fine, but why would you brag about it? People who don't like seasons are boring. They don't want change, or to be uncomfortable. They're like adult versions of those kids that refuse to eat anything but buttered noodles.

fuck.

2011-11-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

I have PMS. I used to think PMS was a fake thing that boring loser girls made up as an excuse to act like fucking bitches, and now I have it, WHAT THE FUCK. Why is this happening to me, probably because I am fucking old and close to death.

Now that I have PMS I am fucking pissed about the way America treats PMS. Shit. I just made a motherfucking peanut butter nutella and raspberry panini and now I forgot what I was talking about, but in the time it took me to type that sentence I've found two more things to be mad about. One, don't you hate people who tell you panini is plural and you should have said panino? Not that anybody actually said this to me, I unfortunately have the voices of a thousand pretentious assholes in my head at all times, pissing me off even when I'm home alone. Two, my fucking pussy of a phone doesn't recognize the word motherfucker, but it recognizes the word Steve. There is no way this fancy fucking phone doesn't know about cursing, it is playing fucking coy with me and I hate it. I love this fucking phone more than I have ever loved any man and I even sleep with it under my pillow and yet it plays these games with me.

Oh yeah now I remember what I was originally mad about, PMS. I have it, and it feels like I am insane and I hate it. I seriously feel like a depressive Alzheimer's patient in the middle of a psychotic break. I want to cry all the time but I don't know why and I can't remember what happened five minutes ago. I hate that, but what I hate even more is that the media acts like men are the ones who are suffering. You know, because their wives turn into crazy psychos from their periods. Do you know what's worse than being subjected to a psychotic person? ACTUALLY BEING THAT PSYCHO. Oh, you don't like being confused by my bizzaro behavior? Well I'm fucking confused by it too. It's like being a fucking werewolf. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

Thanksgiving

2011-11-21T05:46:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving, blah blah I hate it blah blah. I'm sure I've written about that before, turkey, gross, potatoes are the real opiate of the masses, pilgrims, rape, syphilis, etc. ok now that I've gotten that out of the way I guess I should think about what I'm thankful for in case anyone asks me which they (my mom) totally will. In thankful for good genetics and breeding, thanks mom and dad. I have to go to two thanksgivings because my mom loves making thanksgiving dinner even though everyone is either dead or out of state and the only people left to attend are me and my brother. It's seriously so boring. Anyway my sister in law bought a house this year and is having a big thanksgiving dinner to which my parents were invited but no, my mom insists on having her own thanksgiving so I have to go to both and I don't even have a car to drive from one to the other so what a fucking pain in the ass. My mom likes having Christmas too, so even though I am having Christmas at my house this year (for probably like 20 people) she wants me to come over there on Christmas eve. Am I complaining too much, here I'll think of something else I'm thankful for: the written word. Ok anyway the best part is that my mom is Jewish so she went the first 30 years of life without clelbratng Christmas at all but now it somehow means so mch to her that she's going to make me go over there the night before I host a giant dinner for 20 people. God damn it I am getting pissed just thinking about it I am not going to go. I am thankful for free will. Not going to go on Christmas eve I mean. I have to go to thanksgiving because I already said I would.
My brother has somewhere else to be on thanksgiving also: his girlfriend's parents'. So my mom is having her dinner late and is already complaining that nobody is going to eat her food. Moms! Why are they so fucking crazy! My brother's girlfriend is 19. The weird thing is that she looks like she's 45. Doesnt that defeat the purpose of dating someone ten years younger than you? Last time I saw her she was wearing this weird necklace with words on it and I made the mistake of asking her what it said. I'M ONE STOMACH FLU AWAY FROM MY GOAL WEIGHT. That's not a non sequitur, that's actually what her necklace said. So now I just pretend she's not a real person and hope my brother breaks up with her before my baby learns how to read. You know that saying blood is thicker than water? I think it's supposed to mean family is more important than outsiders, except it's not like people who aren't in my family bleed water, and also I'm not sure what density has to do with any of it. Anyway, regardless of whether that stupid phrase makes any sense or not, I don't buy into the inherent importance of family. What if your family members are dicks? Some of mine are dicks. I'm thankful that I'm an adult and nobody can make me pretend to care about my brother's weird girlfriend. Happy thanksgiving.

2011-10-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

When I was working on my PhD I didn't want to be a professor. That's why I quit my program before I wrote my dissertation, I realized I was essentially spending all this time and money so I could prefix my name with "Dr." which is totally fucking stupid. I didn't think I would be able to handle dealing with a bunch of dumb college students every day without losing my god damn mind. If you have a job you can probably see where this is going. You're probably like "Aw, that's adorable, she thought that that once she joined the workforce she would be surrounded by peers that were intelligent and hardworking! How quaint!" Yes, that is what I thought. The joke is on me though, because now I work with a bunch of adults who are stupider than the kids I went to undergrad with. It's terribly depressing, isn't it, when you realize how incompetent and dumb the majority of adults are? When I was a kid I thought grownups knew what they were doing. Now I know the truth. Lawyers? Dumber than me. Teachers? Dumber than me. Doctors? Wait til I get to know some in my personal life, I'll probably come to the conclusion that they are just as dumb as anyone else. Yesterday at work my boss comes across a file that has the delay code RAZE on it. We work in the mortgage industry. She asks me what I think this delay code means. I tell her I'd assume it means the property has been or will be demolished. I guess she doesn't think I know anything because she calls her boss to ask him. He thinks it must stand for something. Real Asset something something. Because neither one of them knew the word raze. These people probably make three times as much as I do. After it turned out I was right they kept trying to figure out what the last two letters stood for. Zero equity? I didn't even tell them raze is a word, I just let them think I had magical ESP. Bosses don't like it when you are smarter than them. I learned this from my old terrible boss. She tried to have a talk with me one day about how certain attorneys didn't like me because I thought I was smarter than them. I was like "I am smarter than them, what do you want me to do?" i should probably just go back and finish my dissertation and never leave tge ivory tower for the rest of my life

My Name is Erin, and I Like to Dance!

2011-10-10T15:34:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard of yo gabba gabba? It's a stupid show for kids that I watch because biz markie is on it and their fucked up animation reminds me of the Tim and Eric show. I watch it with my kid, not by myself, in case you needed that clarified. I am going to mom out and talk about children's programming now so if you don't like mom blogs Im sorry.

1. I just found out that DJ Lance Rock, the bizzaro spandex nerd with the big ass reading glasses, graduated high school in 1983. My mind is fucking blown. That dude looks like he's 22 years old.

2. My other mom friend thinks DJ Lance is gay. If you're 58 years old like I am, you may remember when everyone thought Mr. Rogers was gay. Isn't it kind of shitty to speculate on someones sexuality based on their portrayal of a character on a tv show FOR CHILDREN? DJ Lance and PeeWee Herman and Mr. Rogers are characters, not real people. Anyway my friend knows DJ Lance is gay because he vogues. UPDATE: not everyone who employs vogueing in their dance repertoire is actually homosexual. Chris brown does it and he is so straight he beats women (that's really straight). Also, Bert and Ernie are not gay and the purple teletubby is not gay. They don't even have genitals; they're puppets. Also, who even cares if any of these people are gay.

3. Moving on, here's what I hate about Yo Gabba Gabba. It's totally sexist. There are two girl characters on it, a pink one and a blue one. The pink one sucks. When they form a band and get to pick which instruments they want to play, the pink one picks the tambourine. <-- total suck. Dude, the tambourine isn't even an instrument. She might as well have picked that she wanted to dance in a cage while the real band members played. There's another episode where she actually does end up in a cage, because she picked to be a damsel in distress when they played dress up, and she was kidnapped by the blue girl character, who wanted to be an evil dragon. The blue girl character lies, sucks at art, and is a all around asshole. Basically the pink one is Elizabeth Hasselbeck and the blue one is Hilary Clinton through the eyes of a conservative. I can't wait to use Yo Gabba Gabba to explain the patriarchal agenda to my baby.

Raining on Prom Night.

2011-09-27T05:48:00.000-07:00

For some reason half the time I'm in a meeting I get that raining on prom night song from grease in my head. I have no idea why, if anybody wants to psychoanalyze that feel free. It's raining horribly today so I decided to wear bright yellow tights so everyone will be able to see me from miles away. I'm on the train right now but I'm pretty sure when I get downtown everybody is going to be walking around with umbrellas. I don't know what your thoughts on umbrellas are, but I hate them. What's even the point? Put a fucking hat on your head, that's what I do. Or if you're not going anywhere special don't even wear a hat, why is everyone so scared to get wet? If you think you'll catch a cold, you won't, the common cold is a virus and has nothing to do with having wet hair, aren't you glad I paid attention in biology so you don't have to.
I truly hate people who carry umbrellas, it's terrible. It's like being racist but against 94% of the population. I had an umbrella once and I lost it. Then I had another umbrella and I lost that too. My average duration of umbrella ownership is like one day. It's raining, I buy an umbrella, I leave it on the train on the way home. If you're responsible enough to maintain long term umbrella ownership, I don't even want to know you. I don't even think half the people who have umbrellas like them, because dudes are always trying to give them to me when I'm stomping around in the rain like a street urchin.
I also love riding my bike in the rain. I don't know why it's so fun, it just is. Probably because you're like 600% more likely to get run over by a car while doing it. I love anything that could potentially kill me. That's probably why god gave me curly hair, that's like the only thing that deters me from going swimming in the ocean at night during a thunderstorm: how shitty my hair is going to look afterwards.

2011-09-26T05:42:00.000-07:00

The worst part of having a baby is how fat you get. And I got so fat. I ate everything. I ate McDonalds. I've spent my whole life being skinny and thinking I don't like McDonalds. I like McDonalds, y'all. McDonalds is so fucking good! Holy shit! I don't know why I thought I didn't like it. I guess these are the lies thin people tell themselves. Why do I love the big mac so much even though I know it's made of low grade beef and came from a freezer? I have no idea, but I know loving the big mac is not wrong, because the whole developed world loves the big mac. I love their shitty fries and their disgusting HiC orange drink. I probably like the whopper, too.
I also ate a metric ton of candy while I was pregnant, and I REALLY never liked candy before, I really didn't, it wasn't one of those thin people lies like McDonalds was. I started eating chocolate like every day. Actually, no, not LIKE every day, that implies that I'm estimating, and I'm not estimating, I'm certain that I ate chocolate every day that I was pregnant. And I've always looked down on ladies that love chocolate, because come on, what a cliche (Bitches be eatin chocolate!), so I hated myself extra hard for all of the chocolate eating, but I could not stop eating it! Have you ever read that book From Chocolate to Morphine? About drugs? They're not kidding, chocolate is a drug, man. You already know this if you've ever scarfed down a whole candy bar and not even enjoyed it because you are so filled with shame. Also if you've ever eaten half a cake and thrown the rest in the garbage and then gotten it out of the garbage later. Sadly I am very confident that I'm not the only one who has done this.
I'm still sort of fat and I fucking hate it. If you know me you probably don't think I'm fat, but you probably think you're fat and we are probably the same size. I know, fucked up, right? I'm so glad I live in a society that teaches us all to hate our fucking selves.

Brothers and Sisters

2011-09-19T05:40:00.000-07:00

Now that I have a baby people want to know when I'm going to have another baby. Like I'm collecting babies or something. I don't know when I'm going to have another baby, I just tell people NEVER. Everyone thinks this is crazy. I don't think this is crazy at all. I like going to Europe and shit. I like eating meals that cost more than my phone bill. If I want to continue this shit and have TWO babies (which I would, I plan to continue this shit forever) I would probably have to get a real full-time job. FUCK THAT. People are so sad for my baby when I tell them I'm never having another one. She will be so sad and lonely, they say. Who even are these people! I have a brother, and he was totally useless to me growing up. I tried to blame stuff on him and nobody ever believed me, he was the obvious favorite even though I was twice as smart and three times better looking, and one time he pushed me into a curb and shattered all the bones in my foot. Now I see him four times a year and he always has a new creepy girlfriend I have to pretend to give a shit about. Being an only child sounds AWESOME to me. I like being by myself. My favorite memories of childhood involve shit like me walking home, by myself, pretending I was escaping the new world order of fascist robots that rose from the post apocolyptic dust. And my pretending skills are going to take me way farther in life than whatever teamwork skills these losers honed playing dolls with their sisters or whatever. Teamwork is for people without any talent. If my kid gets lonely she can make friends on the Internet like I did.

If you build it...

2011-09-15T06:07:00.000-07:00

Was that a proper use of an ellipse up there in the title? There's an attorney at my work that uses ellipses all the time. Like his email will end like this "Thanks..."

THAT SHIT MAKES NO SENSE. Is that an ominous thanks? A skeptical thanks? What is he leaving out behind the dot dot dot? SO MYSTERIOUS. How does one get through law school doing that? If I had signed an email like that when I was in grad school my professors would have been like "WhereTF did you learn that, never end an email like that again lest someone think you learned it here." That shit probably flies in law school because all law school is is a fancy trade school that's hella expensive. Sorry lawyers of the world, academia is looking down on you.

That's not what I was going to talk about. I was going to talk about how I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. I'm sorry. Really, I am. I'm writing a novel. Dont laugh, it's going to be good. I know other people can write a novel and still blog at the same time, but I am at least three times lazier than those people. I've already failed out of college once, dropped out of a PhD program, and quit a whole career. It's a miracle I haven't gotten tired of my baby and dropped her off at a firehouse so I can get back to laying around and fucking off full time.

Anyway, I've finished the first chapter of my novel. If you want to know if it's good you can ask Sabrina because she's read it. I'm writing a novel because one time when we were in a fight my husband was like "...And you're never even going to write a book." I guess if it ever gets published I can dedicate it "To Luke. I wrote a book." Everything I do I do in order to beat someone else in a fight they don't even probably remember having.

Anyway, I'm remembering to blog today because Sabrina passed along some sage advice from Tony Robbins. Basically I set my phone so that it would scream at me to blog and now I am doing it. Thank god that we are living in the future and m phone is practically a pocket sized version of Rosie from the Jetsons.

Woman Be Free

2011-09-06T06:01:00.001-07:00

When I was in college I used to wear this tshirt that used to be my mom's that said "Woman, Be Free" on it, and the dude who is now my bother in law took a sharpie and wrote "Slave" over the word free, and I was so mad. Dag, I'm still mad now that I think about it. He lives with me now in true sitcom brother in law fashion, so I brought it up to him the other day while he was laying around on my couch/his bed, and he said he feels actually feels really bad about it now. Then I sent him out to mow the lawn and while he was gone I threw out all the clothes he left lying around. HA.
Anyway, I'm just wondering why it's so cool to hate women. I'm so sick of hearing about abortions all the time. I get that some people think it's murder, but there are also a lot of actual, objective murders occurring everyday, a lot of which are facilitated by the availability of handguns. I never hear people bitching about handguns, unless it's to say that they should be even easier to get. Last year the NRA or somebody went to the supreme court and argued that it's unconstitutional for towns to ban guns and the only people that would even go against them was the fucking town I grew up in, which is a dumb town of like sixty thousand people in the middle of Illinois. Where were all of the fucking abortion psychos that are supposed to be so into life? They're notinto fucking life, they just don't give a shit about women and are probably mad that we can even vote and own property. And it also irritates the fucking shit out of me that so many people are getting raped that these psychos want special clauses for that. Like rape is a fucking way of life but abortion is not. You think you can't stop men from raping but you can stop women from having abortions? I have news for you, you will never stop women from having abortions, ever. If abortions become illegal in my lifetime I promise you that I will learn how to preform them and I will preform secret abortions in my house, all day long until I die.
You also realize how many people hate women when you try breastfeeding in public. Apparently a lot of people think it should be illegal because it's totally gross. Want to know what I think is gross? Fat people eating, gingers, Christianity, cats, potatoes, and seeing ugly people on a date. Admit it, you think those things are gross too. Let's ban them. Also my best friend, Sabrina. How dare she be so big tittied and loud. Sorry Sabrina, everyone thinks you're gross, and you're not allowed to go outside anymore. You know what I don't want to see anymore? MEN'S TITS. Way grosser than women's tits, in my opinion. Also they're not using them to feed any babies or anything, MAKE THEM PUT THEM AWAY.

It is so humid I need a snorkel to walk down the fucking street

2011-09-01T15:44:00.000-07:00

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT. It is so motherfucking hot right now. And of course it's delightfully cold in my office because I like it to be under sixty in the summer and over seventy in the winter (this is why I love being an American) which is why I so I feel like I just walked into an oven. Can't decide if I should make a Jew joke or a gas line suicide joke here. Decisions, decisions.
I don't think I'm going to the lakehouse this weekend because Dave is getting a puppy and he wants to leave at like seven in the morning to pick it up. FUCK THAT. He's getting a puppy that looks just like my dead dog Miette, the only dog I ever loved or will love. After Miette died I was super sad until I got a new dog, and that is when I realized that dog love is TOTALLY FALSE because when your dog dies you can just replace it. I can't wait to replace the dog I have now with one that doesn't smell like rotting entrails. I also can't wait to get home, turn the AC down to 55 degrees, and wrap myself up in a giant blanket.

2011-09-01T05:56:00.000-07:00

There's a girl sitting behind me on the train talking on the phone and she sounds just like fucking Deena on the Jersey Shore. I really want to turn around and look at her. She's talking about camping and how it sounds terrible. What a fucking retard. I might go to Dave's lakehouse this weekend but I don't think that counts as camping since the lakehouse has two bathrooms and a jacuzzi. Remember the movie The Lakehouse? I think it's about Keanu Reeves writing Sandra Bullock love letters from the future or something? I never saw that movie, it sounds like it might be so bad I'd enjoy it. I wonder if I can stream it on Netflix. Ooh I wonder if they have Glitter, the Mariah Carey movie. Maybe this weekend I'll make Dave watch all Razzie winners of the past ten years with me. I love terrible movies. Remember I Know Who Killed Me staring Lindsay Lohan as two different people? I liked that terrible movie so much I BOUGHT IT. (for $4.99).
Ok I just turned around and looked at the Jersey Shore chick behind me and she's older than I am. Good to know that people can still talk like idiots into their forties, what a relief.
Now that you know I like such bad movies, it probably doesn't surprise you that I like the Jersey Shore. What a great show. When my mom makes fun of me for watching it I tell her at least I'm not watching two and a half men, the worst show ever that somehow turned Charlie Sheen Estevez Psycho into the richest fucking person alive. My mom loves that show, which is kind of scary because my mom is generally a smart lady. So many old people like that show! Why? That's not a rhetorical question, I really want to know. Not that any of you jerks are going to tell me because none of you ever comment.

Well If You Feel Your Job's Secure, Keep it up, Then

2011-08-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

I said I'm getting a new boss, right? I'm getting a new boss. Anyway, the old one did my performance review today. I don't know what the point of that was since as of five pm she's not even my boss anymore. Unfortunately the performance review went fine, because
I had the best plan of all time for if it went poorly: I WAS GOING TO PISS MYSELF. I was going to piss right where I was sitting and not even say anything about it, and sit there in a piss pants chair full of piss for the duration of the meeting. She probably wouldn't even notice until I left, and and even if she did, it's not like it's against the law, incontinence. If pissing all over myself and pretending there's nothing weird about it wouldn't have made me your personal hero you might as well just go away and never come back. YOU'RE DEAD TO ME NOW! If I ever get really rich somehow (which I never will because I'm lazy and not even remotely interested in anything that could potentially lead to me becoming rich) I would start giving people money to quit their jobs in insane ways. Like, if your boss has a glass eye, I give you $40k to eat a bag of glass eyes, walk into your bosses office, tell her her glass eye makes you sick, vomit barf made of glass eyes and bile all over her desk, and leave. I'll give you $37k to put on a Kool-aid man costume and smash through the wall between your and your bosses office on your way to HR for your exit interview.

We Are All Made of Crazy

2011-08-24T15:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder what my own capacity is for craziness. Like, am I going to one day go totally crazy? I am trying to write some fiction right now. A novel, actually. Don't laugh; all kinds of fucking idiots have written novels so why shouldn't I. Was that proper semi colon use? Who knows. That's what copyeditors are for. Anyway, if anything is going to drive me crazy one day it is probably going to be writing. Today I was writing on the train, while underground, and the scene I was writing took place in a thunderstorm. When I came up from the tunnel I was totally shocked that it wasn't pouring rain in real life, even though I already knew it wasn't, because it wasn't raining or even threatening to rain when I got on the train in the first place. Yeah, I thought I wrote myself into my own novel. Like the first three hours of the day every time I looked out of the window I was like OH IT STOPPED RAINING. So there it is, my crazy level. Crazy enough to confuse fantasy and reality. Isn't that romantic though, if I go crazy writing? Crazy people are so romantic in theory yet so annoying in reality.

The Sky is Falling

2011-08-23T15:38:00.000-07:00

So, earthquakes, huh. I live in the great plaines so I really have nothing to say about earthquakes, except that a friend of mine thought he caused one once. Was there a huge one in like China or something? It was that one. I know it's shitty to make fun of mental illness, but since everyone else does it, HOW FUCKING FUNNY IS IT WHEN YOUR FRIEND TELLS YOU HE CAUSED A DEVASTATING EARTHQUAKE! I don't know what it is about me that compels people to tell me shit like that. Like I don't see a dude for a whole year and suddenly he shows up on my porch telling me his horrible actions have provoked a natural disaster. I didn't want this dude in my apartment after I realized he had TOTALLY LOST HIS GOD DAMN MIND, so I went for a walk with him, during which he told me that all the hipsters we walked past at Lula's could read his thoughts. I guess I missed my true calling as a clinical psychologist, because the fact that people feel comfortable showing up at my house out of nowhere and telling me the craziest shit I've ever heard leads me to believe I would be the best clinical psychologist of all time. I don't know how I can even keep a straight face when people tell me this shit. I'm just like "you're aware
this is irrational, no?" it's truly a skill to not blurt out "bitch, watchu talkin about" when someone goes this level of crazy on you. That's the personal statement that is going to get me a full scholarship to the psychiatry program of my choosing: "once someone told me he caused a mega earthquake and I acted like that was normal." Boom.

2011-08-18T06:06:00.000-07:00

So like a million people read my blog yesterday (seventy one). I didn't even write anything yesterday! Oh man, what if it was fallout from the donut dick post. WHAT IF IT WAS DONUT DICK'S GIRLFRIEND AND ALL HER FRIENDS. Yikes. Don't you guys think she should leave him? I think she should leave him. I think she's like 25. Hey girl, if you're reading this I want to let you know that these are the years where you can do anything you want. Seriously. You can do anything you want! You should dump that fucking 30 year old loser who makes other girls watch Woody Allen movies about cheating while they eat donuts off his dick and go teach English in Tokyo or something. And fuck better looking people. Trust me; I am very old and wise.
Ok, moving on. I transferred departments at work and I don't have to foreclose on people's homes anymore, so that's good. It turns out foreclosing on old and infirm people's homes will wear on you, even if you are a horrible asshole with a cold black heart. I also get a new boss with two real eyes. Did I ever tell you my boss has a glass eye? I've known two people in my life with glass eyes. My boss, and a drug addicted prostitute. I didn't trust either of them. I say didn't because the prostitute is dead. My boss is still alive unfortunately, but one day she will be dead, so that's good. Anyway, it's going to be nice to have a boss I can look in the face without having a panic attack. Did you guys ever try to have a conversation with someone with a glass eye? It's impossible to make eye contact with both eyes at once so you end up looking all over the place and getting motion sickness.

Throw Some Ds on it

2011-08-16T15:49:00.000-07:00

I was going to write Sabrina's eulogy in the voice of ghostface killah today, but I guess I'll do that tomorrow instead because Mandy wants me to write about donut dick, or more specifically this guy she was having an affair with who wanted her to eat a donut off his dick. She can't write about it herself because his girlfriend might read it, and Mandy doesn't want to look like an ass on the internet or something. I don't know, I thought that was what the Internet was for, am I right?

Anyway, you're lucky I'm writing about it and not Mandy because she probably would have been like "we were driving through the dust when he asked me, fingers intertwined. His hand was sweating and I watched the telephone poles fly past, and I felt myself sliding away. I am always sliding away." Good thing I'm here to keep it real with y'all and let you know that some fat dude tried to get Mandy to eat a donut off his dick because she never would have gotten to the fucking point. She didn't do it of course. Don't worry, I'm pretty sure it wasn't because she has any self respect or anything, I think she was on a diet. So if you want Mandy to eat food off your dick there is still a chance for you, but you should probably suggest, like, a pineapple ring or a jicama wreath or something.

I wish she would have done it so I could know what kind of donut he wanted her to eat. BOSTON CREAM. God. I wonder if Mandy will ever eat a donut again. I also love how this guy tried to turn Mandy into a sexual George Costanza. I'm pretty sure that's all Mandy has ever wanted in life, to be George Costanza, so now I see why she liked this dude so much even though he sort of looked like Rick Moranis. I also love how she is sheltering the girlfriend instead of being like "hey girl, your boyfriend wants to put his thang in a donut, just so you know."

Cheating

2011-08-11T05:55:00.000-07:00

Let's talk about cheating all week. Mandy wrote three awesome posts on what it's like to be the other woman. I know, our little Mandy, who would have ever thought. Read them in order, verbsandruins.com. Did you read them? Sounds terrible, right? Being the other woman? I don't need to be the only woman, but I want to at least be the main one. That's all that really matters to me. I don't want a dude taking some other chicks phone calls in my presence. My colossal ego wouldn't be able to handle it. I never got it like on The Sopranos how Carmela would get so pissed about Tony having girlfriends. I mean, she was the main one and he was never going to leave her. If the dude I married wanted to have a girlfriend I would take advantage of that free time to seduce a 23 year old or start training for an adventure race finally. Maybe I would learn how to fucking paint. When you're the other woman I imagine you'd have no free time because you would always be waiting to drop everything for the dude at any moment, like if his main lady decided to go to a movie he might call you and be like "I'm coming over now! I've only got two hours!" I would get tired of that really quickly. Sorry dude, you're not coming over now, I'm watching Damages. I'd be a terrible mistress. I'm also not delusional enough. I feel like the other woman always thinks her and her asshole cheater dude have something special. Haha, gurrrl, you so crazy. All you've got is an asshole dude with a crush on you. Crushes ain't shit. I've had a crush on a homeless guy before, I'm serious. Anyway, Its always the mistress that gets fucked in the end, right? She could even end up dead (Match Point). Affairs are like teenage suicide man, don't do it.

Whatchu Talkin Bout, Mama

2011-08-10T06:00:00.000-07:00

My baby is starting to turn into me. She walks around looking at everyone like fucking Arnold on diff'rent strokes when he asks Willis what he's talkin bout. SKEPTIC FACE. My face pretty much looks like that permanently because I'm like perpetually skeptical as to whether everyone in the world can possibly be as stupid as they seem. And now my baby looks at me like that, yes, my one year old baby can't believe what an idiot I am. God, I can't wait until she's old enough to actually call me an idiot instead of just looking at me like one. Then I can send her to her her room with a bell curve to teach her the harsh lesson that like 99% of the population is even dumber than her dumb mom.
You know when you're little and people talk about "the real world," such as, "in the real world you won't be able to sleep all day" and "in the real world you'll have to cut your own meat"? I hated cutting my own meat. I used to ask my mom to cut it for me and then when I was like four she started asking me what I was going to do when I grew up, and if I was going to ask my prom date to cut my steak for me. To which I would be like "Uh, yeah, I will totally ask my prom date to cut my food for me, good idea, mom." anyway the worst thing about "the real world" isn't having a job or bills or having to cut your own meat, it's having to deal with mostly everyone being stupider than you. I kind of hope my baby isn't as smart as me so she will only have to deal with being frustrated with the stupidity of 49% of people. I know she isn't though, I can tell she is heartbreakingly smart. I guess we are going to have to take a mommy and me yoga class to prepare her for a lifetime of frustration.

Always a Cheater, Never a Homewrecker

2011-08-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

I've never had an affair before. I slept with an ex of mine a few times while he had a girlfriend, but it was a few times over the course of like a year. I don't even think I knew that he had a girlfriend. Actually I don't even think HE knew he had a girlfriend, I think it might have been like one of those situations where you totally have a girlfriend but you see how long you can get away with telling her that you don't like labels or whatever. Or wait. That that their friendship means so much to you that you wouldn't want to ruin it by dating (EVEN THOUGH YOU ALREADY RUINED IT BY FUCKING THEM). I know all about these lies that cheaters tell, because I'm like a fucking professor of that shit. The sort of shit where I have a boyfriend that I won't call a boyfriend and I cheat on him all the time and tell him it's not cheating, until he can't take it anymore. God, no wonder I couldn't stop sleeping with that ex, we had so much in common, such as both of us being terrible people. Actually i don't even know if that ex was even doing that, I'm just guessing he was because that is the shit that i do. What is that called? Self attributional bias? No, its like the opposite of that. The dude i married knows I'm a terrible person. The other day he told me he hopes the baby doesn't inherit the hump around gene. Anyway I've never had an affair before. And now I never will because I've already fucked everybody I want to fuck. An affair sounds like a lot of fucking work to me, and I am one of the laziest motherfuckers you will ever meet. Or read about.

Attica! Attica! It's a Dog Dick Afternoon!

2011-08-04T06:34:00.000-07:00

Vocab of the day:

Dog Dick Showdown:

Noun. Dog Dick Showdown occurs when a dude accidentally picks up a pre op trans man (usually drunkenly), resulting in a dude that looks like a dude and a dude that looks like a chick standing awkwardly with their dicks in their hands, staring at each other in disbelief/horniness/revulsion/fascination. May result in beautiful anal sex, mutual masturbation, vomit, a beating, all of the above.

"dude, did you see that chick Sean brought home last night?"

"Uh, pretty sure that 'chick' was a dude."

"I know, total dog dick showdown."

Also, a situation in which a woman challenges two men to a circle jerk, promising to bang the one who can go the longest without coming Then she slams the winners dick in a door and yells "BANG!" and runs away while the dude's dick turns red and recedes into itself like a fucking dog dick.

"I heard you went home with Sean AND his brother last night, you whore!"

"Oh, don't worry, they wanted to Eiffel Tower me but I dog dick showdowned them instead."

"Hell yeah, high five girlfrand"

Also, a drink consisting of cucumber vodka and grapefruit juice with a salted rim. You will never find a dog dick showdown on a drink list, dog dick showdown is a secret menu item (e.g. the McGangBang).

"This shitty bartender has never even heard of a dog dick showdown. Man, let's bounce."

Success!

2011-08-03T05:35:00.000-07:00

Holy shit I am so good at interventions. Not really. He wouldn't let me in like I thought, and it turns out I am NOT strong enough to kick a door down, plus he lives in a third floor walk up and it was so fucking hot at the top of the stairs I almost had a heat stroke from all the beating on the door. "Please let me in I am going to suffer heat stroke and fall down the stairs and die and my child will have to grow up with no mother! Please! Think of the children!" I can never stop the jokes, even in a crisis situation. Especially in a crisis situation. Remember in Who Framed Roger Rabbit how if you knocked out "shave and a haircut" Roger was like compelled by god himself to pop out and sing "TWOOOO BIIIIITS!" that didn't work in this scenario, I tried it. What. Nothing else was working. The I went and had a Gatorade with the Costa Rican landlord who doesn't speak English. Then the landlord banged on the door. Then he texted me (my friend, not the landlord) and said he was at his mom's. I was pretty sure that was a lieheI mean it makes no sense that he would text me from his mom's, the only reason for him to be texting me was to get me to leave and stop causing an insane scene at his apartment. "are you sure? I can hear you in there. I'm loitering outside your apartment like a true creep." So I called his mom and She came and got him and wr all got to live to see another day. INTERVENTION SUCCESS! What a pain in the ass though. Is it appropriate to bring that up later? "hey remember when your bizzaro behaviour caused me to hunt you down like a true stalker? You turned me into my own ex boyfriend from 2005! Kind of a dick move, dude."

2011-08-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

I'm on my way to do a suicide intervention. Is that a thing people do? Go to their friend's houses and ask them if they're going to commit suicide? I don't know but I'm going to do it. I mean, if you feel like someone is going to kill homself and then they do you are going to be fucked up over it until the end of time. I don't want to be fucked up until the end of time. The best part is that this motherfucker isn't returning my calls and I fully expect him to pretend not to be there when I knock on the door so I'm committed to either convincing his landlord to open the door or if that fails kicking the door in. Am I strong enough to kick a door in? I guess we are going to find out.
Oh man, this is pretty fucked up. I don't even have a plan. I guess I ask him if he wants to come stay at my house and figure his shit out and if he says no I have to tell him I'm going to sit on his couch until he changes his mind. If he doesnt change his mind in anacceptable amount of time I'm going to threaten to call his mom. Does that make me a fink or a rat or whatever? Shit. Don't give me your moms number if you think you might ever want to kill yourself, because I'll call her.
I have to do this even though I don't want to.

It's Complicated

2011-07-28T07:13:00.000-07:00

Facebook. People like it better than Myspace for some reason. I don't know why, it's pretty much exactly the same to me except that nobody has offered me money to walk on them in high heels via Facebook. That must be why people like it more, less pervs. I don't really have a problem with perverts. Bring on the perverts, I say. The thing I don't like about Facebook is that it makes me hate my friends. I mean, myspace also made me hate them, but on myspace I had to look at their profiles I order to hate them, so like if I was in a hateful mood I could look at everyones profiles and wonder how I could even stand to be associated with them, but on Facebook I'm assaulted with stupid updates all the time causing me to well up with hate constantly, even when I'm trying really hard to be a nice person. Here is the kind of shit that fills me with hate on Facebook:

Ellipses. I've never seen more ellipses on my life. Half the time I don't even understand them. "it's hot out today..." WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

Winking frown face. You know what I mean, this guy ;(
WINKING FROWN FACE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? It reminds me of like a sex trafficked child or something, winking at an old pervert through her tears of desperation. I don't want to think about sex trafficking while I'm on Facebook.

Hey, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING ON FACEBOOK. I reserve the other 23.5 hours of the day for those thoughts. You don't need to tell me that a child gets turned out every 4.7 seconds, I already knew that, I listen to NPR.

Ex boyfriends. Did this one really just post a picture of the sound waves from the amen break on there??? I always thought maybe I should have married him and now I am sure! DAG. Did that one really just call me a heifer and then delete it like I wouldn't know? DOESNT HE KNOW THAT I AM ALL KNOWING? WHY IS HE GIVING ME AN EATING DISORDER?

Parents with no senses of humor. Don't post 100 pictures of your baby I'm which he looks just like Angela Lansbury if you don't want me to comment that your son looks just like Angela Lansbury. You know it's true, just like I know my baby looks like Woody Harrelson in Kingpin half the time. BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.

People whose profile pics are of them and their significant other. This is seriously how you define yourself? Gross. Also I am aware that ugly people fall in love just like the rest of us, but why do they have to shove it in my face? Ew. Hot people never do this, because it makes it harder for them to cheat.

People whose profile pics ate five years old. Myself included. I just realized my profile pic is like two years old. I hate myself. I really do. I hate myself so much! I also lobe myself SO MUCH! Being me is confusing. I should create a second Facebook page so I could tell Facebook I'm in a relationship with myself and it's complicated.

Don't Hate the Player (I hate myself for just saying that)

2011-07-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

Today my bofriend that I am married to asked me if I thought the baby was right handed. I took advantage of that opportunity to pretend like I didn't know I'd married a left-handed person. You know, like I just don't even pay that much attention to him or whatever. This is just a game I play to keep the balance around the house. I devised this strategy in the third grade when my boyfriend told me he liked the weird way I held my pencil. At that moment I knew be would love me forever and that I could probably get away with all kinds of outrageous shit. So from that point on I decided to basically be the opposite of that. Which is why I am pretending not to know which hand my husband writes with. To keep him insecure so that he will continue to cook me food and buy me prizes for shit like not calling in sick to work. Yeah, I get prizes for that, and I bet I wouldn't if he didn't think I could leave him at any time.
I hate people who say they don't play games. It's always lonely people that say that. Like the reason they're perpetually alone isn't because they're so fucking boring, it's because they're a better and more evolved person than you. Like Redman says, WHATEVER, MAN. I hope one day you don't choke to death on a lean cuisine alone in your apartment with no one there to administer the heimlich. You know, dying on the floor, eyes brimming with tears, knowing that by the time anyone finds you your cat will have eaten your face off in order to survive. Some people hate playing games so much they get married just so they don't have to play anymore. HA, then their husbands cheat on them with chicks that DO play games because, duh, games are fun. I mean, even babies play them. My baby is like a fucking master of it, she pretends like she wants me to pick her up and then she turns away at the last minute, breaking my dumb heart. Good for her though, she'll go fucking far in life if she keeps that shit up. And now I'm on my way to work where I play the game of pretending like I respect my boss and don't want to cut her head off.

It's fucking hot.

2011-07-21T06:00:00.000-07:00

Holy shit it's so fucking hot. Actually I don't even care how hot it is, what I hate is that it's so goddamned humid that I feel like the motherfucking sweaty hand of god has reached down from the heavns and is pressing me down into the sidewalk. Also this is the part of the year where I do battle with my white lady Afro. A white lady Afro is different than a black lady Afro because the wearer of the white lady Afro has a zero percent chance of looking like Eryka Badu and like a ninety percent chance of looking like Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich, aka the movie where they made Cameron Diaz ugly by putting my hair on her head.
I had short hair the last two summers I dealt with that by putting tons of expensive and slimy shit in it to essentially create the white lady jeri curl. But not this summer! This summer my hair is long enough to put it all on top of my head and wrap it around itself until it turns into the hair of a librarian/prom queen hybrid. Like the kind of crazy hair you could hide coke straws in and shit. Seriously it is fucking hot, Do you think I give a shit if I look like a post apocolyptic fucking ballerina.The first day I discovered this I came running out of the bathroom shouting "look what I can do to my hair again!" while my horrified husband grabbed the baby and shielded her from the fucking hairspray tsunami (Bed Head control freak in the green bottle. Word). Then he asked me why the baby's head smelled so good and I told him it's because I put morroccan oil in it, duh. What, that little chick has a white lady Afro too, just because she can't talk doesn't mean I can't read her sad little eyes, pleading with me to tame that shit. It is just too fucking hot.

Hey, does anybody want to see some dick pictures?

2011-07-20T06:03:00.000-07:00

If anybody wants to see dick pics I'll give you dick pics. Does any girl actually want to see dick pics though? I mean, I do, like when guys send them to my friends and I'm like hahahahahah FWD, PLZ! But does anyone actually want to receive them from an actual dude? Sabrina forwarded me a dick pic yesterday, it was the culmination of a series of increasingly insane emails in which this dude called her a phantom, an Internet sensation, his wife, and his ex wife. He also told her she'd better bring the fried chicken AND the sides! I don't even know exactly what that means, but I'm going to add it to my lexicon of awesome reality show phrases such as "don't threaten ME with a good time," and "you're an irk to my mind!" hey man, you better bring that fried chicken AND the sides! If this dude had a reality show I would totally watch it, SOMEONE GET THIS GUY A REALITY SHOW!
Anyway, finally he sent her a dick pic. It was like, fine, you don't want to fuck me, well here's what you're missing, BA DOW! And at that moment, if you listened very carefully, you could hear the tiny pings of a thousand emails reaching their destinations. HEY GUYS, LOOK WHAT THIS DUDE SENT ME. If you are a dude and you send a girl pictures of your wang, know that she is going to show it to everyone she encounters that day and they are all going to laugh at you. And she is also going to save a copy so that she can laugh at you later, or possibly share it with the press (Anthony Weiner or whatever your name is). Even if she pretended to think it was hot, she didn't think it was hot. Sorry, there is nothing hot about a dick outside of a sexual situation. Ok if anybody wants to see pictures of a crazy man's penis please let me know and I will figure it out for you. Also if anyone wants to disregard my advice and send me a dick pic I will be happy to post it on the Internet for the viewing pleasure of all 30 people who look at this blog. eryn.gaya@gmail.com.

Happy 1st birthday, kid.

2011-07-19T15:21:00.000-07:00

My baby turned one on Saturday, which means a year ago today I was still in the hospital. I had mybaby at Northwestern, it was awesome there and I never wanted to leave so I stayed for like five days. You could call for whatever kind of food you wanted whenever you wanted it and they had wifi and lakefront views, plus nurses will come take the baby away from you so you can chill out and watch mad men in peace and they'll bring her back later when she's all clean and happy. I always wondered why celebrities had so many nannies and now I know; it's awesome. Then I had to leave the hospital and I had postpartum depression and cried all the time. Jesus Christ. Did you know that postpartum depression can last for like a year? If I was still depressed like that I'd have killed myself by now, seriously.

Good thing that shit only lasted like six weeks so I still get to be alive. Having a baby, though. Man it's so shitty! Like when you first bring it home and you're not even supposed to lift your on baby because she weighs ten pounds and they had to cut you all the way in half to get her out? And she screams all the time, and when she isn't screaming you're totally bored because you can't go anywhere? This is why I hate feminism. I seriously don't believe a bunch of dumb ass women actually argued for the rights to have a job like men have. Jobs like men have fucking suck. I should know, I've had several. If every chick I know didn't have to have a stupid idiotic job maye one of them could have come over and helped me not cry all day and lose my fucking mind. But no, and also I had to work too because now that women are working they don't need to pay men enough to raise families, so now everyone has to work, THANK YOU FEMINISM. Feminists act like they're all about choosing choices but they totally effed up my chances at not wanting to work like a fucking man.

I love technology

2011-07-13T15:30:00.001-07:00

Did you know I do all my blogging from my iPhone? I do all my blogging from my iPhone. I do all of my Internet fucking around on my iPhone, I don't even know why I have the Internet at home. Oh wait yes I do, it's so I can watch netflix on it. I watch tv on the Internet and play on the Internet on my phone, THIS IS THE FUTURE AND IT'S INCREDIBLE! You know what is not incredible, the fact that I can't even talk on the phone on my phone. FUCK YOU APPLE. I just spent ten minutes trying to talk to Sabrina and ultimately failed and now she's sending me a short story to read, in leiu of talking to each other. It's like this is a conspiracy to make me even more reclusive than I already am. Why is apple conspiring against me??? There's the real short story, the story where Apple achieves it's end goal of world domination by manipulating us through our fucking phones and shit. I like how all of the people who only signed on with AT&T when the iPhone came out think AT&T is super shitty. NOPE! Back in the fucking olden days my PINK RAZR worked SUPERBLY! NOPE, AT&T doesn't suck, it's your rad iPhone that you think is so cool that sucks. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
I am going to call AT&T tomorrow and ask them what they are going to do to rectify the fact that I pay $200 a month for some phones I can't talk on. And that keeps eating my blog posts. I wrote a whole fucking manifesto about the mall. WHERE IS IT, IPHONE? WHERE?
It is like I'm gollum from lord of the rings and this fucking phone is my precious. I didn't even know I fucking needed it until I got it, and now I I can't function without it and it's ruining my life. And Apple is Sauron or whatever. Fucking up all my shit. God damn, I just scared the shit put of myself with that analogy. Peace out, my nerds.

No, Seriously, Fuck Them.

2011-07-07T05:09:00.000-07:00

Whenever I read "Fuck Jezebel" I think of that Nas song that goes "Fuck Jay Z!" I think it's called Ether. Anyway. Because I love complaining and hating on shit, I am going to tell you something else that really bothered me about Jezebel. God, this is like when you break up with your boyfriend and you can't stop telling everyone every stupid thing you never told your friends annoyed you about him. Jezebel writes about rape a lot, and they get super angry about anti rape campaigns that try to educate or remind women about things they can do to avoid being raped. Because women should be allowed to do whatever they want! They should be able to go to frat parties and get blackout drunk and leave their drinks unattended! Jezebel is right. Women should be able to do all these things. But we can't! And it sucks! But we just can't! Jezebel thinks all rape awareness campaigns should be addressed towards men. Like, "hey, men, stop raping!" Which is fucking hilarious, because I'm pretty sure men are always going to rape women. If prostitution is the oldest profession then rape is probably the oldest crime. Or actually probably not because it probably used to be so normal it wasn't EVEN a crime. Have you ever seen animals mate? I have and it kind of makes me uncomfortable because it looks a lot like rape. If there is life on other planets there is probably rape on other planets. We are never going to eradicate it. Sorry! Sorry you had to find out this way! So as long as you don't want to get raped in this lifetime, you might as well not get in cars with people you don't know and watch your fucking drink, right? (and then you might get raped anyway, WTF, I know).
I wonder if Jezebel finds it condescending to women that there are people working hard to make sure abortion remains safe and legal for rape and incest survivors. Why should they need an abortion? Why should they have to deal with this shitty problem when men are the ones that should stop committing acts of rape and incest upon people! Welcome to the real world guys, it fucking sucks and you need to watch your drink.

Fuck Jezebel

2011-07-05T15:13:00.000-07:00

Do you guys read Jezebel? It's a "feminist" website, whatever that even means. I used to read Jezebel because I am a feminist and I like to read, but unfortunately I will no longer be reading that website because it hates mothers. It seems like society as a whole fucking hates mothers these days. For example, it seems like ninety percent of the Internet thinks Casey Anthony deserves the death penalty whether she murdered her daughter or not because she is A BAD MOTHER. Well guess what, it's perfectly legal to not care that your child is dead and to go out partying and being an in general whore afterwards. Weird but legal. Just because the state doesn't get to murder you for plastering pictures of yourself drinking whiskey in a vinyl tube top the day your baby went missing all over myspace or whatever doesn't mean people won't judge the shit out of you for it. Just like people will judge the shit out of you for being the other kind of mother, the kind that takes her kids to Disney Land and posts pictures of their trip on Facebook, oh my god how dare anyone be so boring, nobody wants to see that. Can't mothers just stay off the Internet? And out of public?
Anyway, I read an article on Jezebel yesterday that asked the question "do you deserve to have your expensive stroller stolen?" I am thinking no, I do not deserve to have any of my possessions stolen, including my expensive ass stroller. I am also thinking I don't want to visit a website that asks me if I maybe deserve to be robbed. I mean, if we are talking about stupid wastes of money, I'm typing this on a fucking five hundred dollar phone. Do we all deserve to have our smartphones stolen? What about people that spend $400 on a fucking haircut and highlights, maybe someone should rip all of their fucking hair out, those dumb bitches! And oh my god, what about people that spend $500 on dinner for two at Alinea, someone should stand right outside that restaurant and punch everyone that walks out right in their frivolous stomachs!
I don't even have a fucking car, so I don't think it's that insane that I would want to buy a nice stroller to push around everywhere I fucking go, but it doesn't even matter whether my stroller was a smart purchase or not, what matters is that a so-called feminist website is mocking and shaming me for my choices as a fucking mom. If I wanted to read that sort of sorry shit I would read Maxim.

Happy Birthday Mandy

2011-07-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

Mandy's roast was fucking awesome. Everyone should roast their friends. Jessica was the roastmaster and she was awesome. Mandy's parents came so she started out by saying that the reason we were all there was because these two old people fucked once. Vaginally. Lots of jokes about depression. Did you know Mandy moved to Austin hoping the sunshine would cure her depression? Didn't work. That was Jessica's joke. I had a joke about 2006 being the time Mandy cried for a whole year. I guess that's really more of a recollection than a joke. I had visual aids. Visual aids like posters and shit, not visual AIDS which is what you get when you make direct eye contact with some of the guys Mandy has tried to sleep with. That have refused to sleep with her. Dude, roasting someone who can't even get laid by some of the ugliest guys on the planet is like shooting fish in a barrel. Jessica, as the roastmaster, roasted everybody there. She said now that now that I have a kid I'll probably never utilize my writing talent or something, and she thought she might have offended me. Haha yeah right. I've beem squandering my abilities since I was like four. There were also jokes about one of our friends having intense crushes on guys and Mandy stealing them. Wait, Mandy used to be a successful boyfriend stealer? What the fuck happened??? Speaking of squandering talents, I guess thats what happens; if you don't use it you lose it. Sorry Mandy. Now Mandy is back in Austin. Lame. Now I guess I get to begin the countdown to Sabrina visiting me. I hope I get to roast Sabrina one day because I can totally use that visual AIDS joke again.

I'll Be Your Witness

2011-06-30T15:30:00.000-07:00

There's a family on the train with two girls, they're probably like 13 and 15 and the whole family is trying to think of a hobby for the younger one. Somehow they came up with golf. Anyway, the girl is not into the idea of private golf lessons because she doesn't want to be with some freak she doesn't know. I like how she already knows the golf instructor would probably be a freak. She's right! He totally would be! Now the older sister is schooling her on the facts of life. "your whole life you're going to be with some freak you don't know! When you go to college your roommate in the dorm is going to be some freak you don't know! Then you'll get a job and your boss will be some freak you don't know!" That made me laugh so hard because she's totally right. My boss is a HUGE FUCKING FREAK. There's a boy in this family too, he's probably 17 and he's pretending to be asleep. The older sister looks like an adolescent Natalie Portman but with a big nose. They decided on fencing. Is that even a thing people do? Like outside of east coast prep schools? I feel like I'm in a Wes Anderson movie sitting on the train with this family. We're in the conversation seats that face each other at the back of the car, so I am LITERALLY sitting with them. Don't ask me why I feel compelled to write down what is going on around me at all times. You know in grade school when you do group work and someone has to be the recorder and someone has to be the reporter, and someone has to be the group leader? I think my purpose in life is to be the recorder.

Mandy, at Last!

2011-06-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

Mandy is coming this weekend YAAAAYYYAGHGhghGhG! This is very exciting because I haven't seen Mandy for six months. Do you believe that in 2004 I didn't even know her? No, I don't believe it either. Mandy and I used to live together during 2005, the year--MATERIAL REDACTED FOR USE IN THIS WEEKEND'S ROAST. Yes, that's right, we are roasting Mandy this weekend. I hope she doesn't cry like Michael Scott did at his roast. Today I printed out visual aids for the roast. You can tell how much higher education I've received by the fact that I'm bringing visual aids to a roast.
Mandy and I are also going to have brunch at Dunlay's like we used to every weekend before she moved to Austin. Brunch sounds like such a classy thing to do but i had to drag us down into the gutter by being mega hungover and wearing cheap sunglasses and crying about not having any cigarettes because I'd smoked them all the night before. Once we were at Dunlay's and there was this awesome looking chick with a baby, she was wearing the baby in this awesome sling and the baby was fucking adorable, and I was like "oh man, I would look so cute with a cute little baby in a sling at brunch, I'm going to do that one day!" then a puff of residual smoke probably came wheezing out of my disgusting lungs right in poor Mandy's face. But I think that was the first time I ever thought I might want to have a baby. Anyway, after this weekend I'll be able to cross that one off my list, eating brunch at Dunlay's with a cute ass baby.
I secretly hope Mandy will move back to Chicago. Sabrina already lived stupidly far away and now Mandy does as well. Which is why I'm forced to have a dude for a best friend. I mean, I love Dave, but sometimes when we hang out people think he's my baby father, which is fucking weird.
I met Mandy on the Internet, but we really became friends he she started dating a friend of mine. A friend of mine that went on to pee on her in a non sexual manner. Sorry Mandy. Jessica also dated that guy and that is also how I met Jessica. I should probably write that psycho a thank you card.

Happy Anniversary to Me

2011-06-29T06:08:00.000-07:00

Three years ago right now it was my wedding day and I was so hungover I thought I could die because I got so drunk the night before that I puked in a trashcan. I have an awesome picture of all of my friends in front of the bar that night and we look like the fucking brat pack or something. My dad had a tab at the bar so we could all drink and for some reason my friends kept paying for drinks anyway.
Then I got married. It was awesome. My brother performed the ceremony and it was really short which I'm sure was awesome for all the people I invited. That was my main concern during wedding planning, will my friends leave this wedding hating me? Thats why I had an open bar and expensive food but let my friends dj instead of paying one. I also didn't throw a bouquet, cut a cake, or have a first dance. Nobody is interested in watching another person do any of that shit. I mean, I did have a first dance but didn't announce it so nobody got to watch me have my first dance to the Aphex Twin remix of Phillip Glass's version of We Could be Heroes by David Bowie.
Mandy was at my wedding and she wore a dress and got wasted. Then she moved to Austin so she could wear dresses and get wasted all the time. Sabrina was at my wedding also and kept calling the front desk at the hotel and telling them "look, the bride is being a fucking cunt and she keeps screaming about bathrobes and pineapples, can you make this happen for her before she drives us all insane?" So they kept bringing us awesome shit all weekend. I have pictures of Sabrina laying on top of the bar at my wedding. Jessica was also there. It was like a 2006 blog reunion. If I got married today I would ask Jessica to be in my wedding. If I had gotten married in 2006 I would have asked Jessica to be in my wedding. I guess we weren't that good of friends in 2008. I hope we're never not that good of friends again. I don't know why I didn ask Sabrina to be my maid of honor. Probably because Sabrina is too cool to ever be anything with the word maid in the title. I should have asked her to be my head bitch in charge. All of my friends were there and that is why it was awesome. Dave was also there and one of my friends took a video in which he drunkenly professes that I am more awesome than my husband, which was rad because before that we used to regularly argue about which one of us Dave liked more. I'm so glad I'm still friends with these people. Happy anniversary to me and my husband and all my friends because we all still like each other three years later.

I am from the Planet Hoth

2011-06-28T06:15:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing a weird sweater thing today, it's taupe and it is sleeveless and has giant armholes. I didn't realize how weird it was until my husband looked at me and said "i still love you, even though you are from the planet Hoth." I have no idea how to dress myself. When I was pregnant I refused to buy maternity clothes and wore shapeless shit from American Apparel instead, and leggings with the waist cut out, and empire waisted dresses from H&M. And I wore makeup. Everyday. I had to because my skin broke out so badly. That was some bullshit man, all I was doing was sleeping and eating shit like spinach salad with strawberries and macadamia nuts, my face should have looked fucking incredible. Everybody told me I was glowing. No, I'm just wearing a lot of blush. If you're pregnant and you don't wear yoga pants people will think you look amazing. You will get accolades if you put in even the smallest modicum of effort. Nobody told me how traumatizing it was going to be to get so fat. The other pregnant girls at work bitched about it too, but most of them were fat already, and looked about the same pregnant. I got FAT. My face got fat. My arms got fat. I grew hips. I had to try things on at the store because it was no longer a given that pretty much anything would look great on me. It was fucking stressful man, it was like having a perfect GPA and then getting a C. Yeah, I still looked OKAY, but I used go have a 4.0, man! I spent a good portion of the summer before I got pregnant walking around Dave's lakehouse in a bikini eating potato chips. Getting fat was horrible. Somebody should really tell you how horrible it's going to be. And I don't even know what I'm supposed to be wearing. Before I had a baby I wore whatever I wanted but now I don't want to look too nice or people will think I'm a soccer mom, or not nice enough or people will think I'm a white trash mom, I don't want to look like a mom at all, but I am a mom! Why do I think of being a mom as something gross and terrible, I love being a mom, it is fucking awesome! I don't have the money to dress like a fucking awesome mom. Maybe if I lose ten more pounds I will look fucking awesome no matter what I am wearing. I probably have an eating disorder, except I'll never have to worry about starving from it because I have no self discipline. Being a grownup is confusing.

Love and Marriage Love and Marriage

2011-06-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

Jessica blogged about marriage the other day so I'm going to copy her because I'm too lazy to think for myself. Is marriage dumb? Hell yes marriage is dumb, most things American humans are into are dumb. Credit, iPhones, pets, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE RIDICULOUS, think about it. Marriage is dumb. I don't know why people get married. I don't even know why people have long term relationships. I don't know anything.
What about people who don't believe in marriage. I don't even know what that means. You don't believe in marriage? Like you don't think it exists? That's like people who say they don't believe in psychiatry. Sorry, just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not real. I think they mean they don't believe that marriage is a true way to join two souls for all of eternity, which, duh, of course it isn't. A soul isn't even a real thing, speaking of things that are and aren't real. Marriage is a contract. People who don't want to get married are the true romantic ones. They think somebody might want to be with them forever. Ha! Sorry you idiots, nobody is going to want to be with you forever. One day, they will leave you. Unexpectedly! "The heart wants what it wants," they will say. Just kidding, I hope they won't really say that. Okay anyway. When I was younger I thought I would never get married because I would never want someone to stay with me out of legal obligation. I was like 23 when I thought that. Now I'm 31 and I still actually think that, but I might not think that when I'm 81 and faced with the prospect of dying alone. I mean, I never thought I would be 30 and now I am even older than that so I guess it's time to face the fact that I might be 81 one day. Anyway, marriage is a contract. It pretty much says you started off the relationship as equals and are going to come out of it the same way. That's why if you didn't start as equals you need to have a prenup. Im married now. Hopefully I never get a divorce. My baby would hate that. I guess if I get sick of him I'll have to kill him. Just kidding. Anyway, If I do get a divorce at least I won't end up penniless because I can take half of my husbands worldly possessions. Or if I ever make something of myself he can take half of mine. He'd deserve it, for being married to the kind of person who makes jokes about killing him on the Internet.
I love when people say marriage is just a piece of paper. I don't need a piece of paper! They say. Guess what else is nothing but a piece of paper. Money. And the constitution. If you hate paper so much why don't you give me all your money. And all your books. Those are pretty much all I need in life. I love paper.

2011-06-25T04:50:00.001-07:00

You know Gisele? The Victoria's Secret model with the really pretty hair and super masculine looking face? Seriously, nice chin Gisele, you look just like my husband. Anyway she had a baby around the same time I did I think. With Tom Brady. I don't even know who that is. She stayed super skinny throughout her pregnancy I guess and then she made some awesome comment that was all over the Internet about how the only reason people get so fat when they're pregnant is because they turn into human garbage disposals and start shoving everything in sight into their mouths or whatever. If my mouth ever turns into a fucking garbage disposal the first thing I'm going to put in there is Gisele fucking Bundchen. Get in the trash where you belong you stupid asshole! It's bad enough that models make everybody feel like shit about themselves just by, like, existing, this one has to open her mouth and basically say yes, you feel disgusting compared to me, well you are disgusting compared to me, you fat filthy garbage eater. I can tell by looking at pictures of Giselle during her pregnancy that she didn't eat enough to properly nourish her child. I'm not fat, or a child abuser, but I think if for some weird reason I am ever faced with having to become one of those I would probably choose fat. I don't know though, I've never been a model. Milla Jovovich is a model though, and she gained tons of fucking weight when she was pregnant, she got super fucking fat. Like, the size of a normal non model person probably. She looks good now though. She's probably a good mom, too. I guess Gisele really can't blame her job, I guess she is just a terrible person who probably shouldn't have had a child since she obviously doesn't care enough about him to provide him with, like, nourishment. A basic human need. Also what kind of person tries to make pregnant women feel bad about themselves? Pregnant women are fucking awesome! They're making whole new people and it's kind of stressful and maybe they feel like they want to eat a jar of peanut butter, just let them eat a jar of peanut butter, Jesus Christ! Man, supermodels picking on pregnant ladies, what is the world coming to.

Electricity!

2011-06-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

Well we have electricity again so I'm back to watching netflix and fucking around on my iPhone again, which is all I really want out of life. My brother in law read 237 pages of The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao on Wednesday and Thursday, better living through blackouts I guess. I was supposed to go to Dave's lakehouse today but I didn't because I felt like I was going to die so I decided to eat Thai food and finish the last season of nip tuck. Then I took an allegra. Holy shit. I know this shit must be working because it left me dry mouthed like all the good drugs do.
NIP TUCK. This fucking show. Did you guys watch this show? It's about plastic surgeons. There's this character Matt, he was probably like 16 during the first season. He was like a normal sixteen year old. I forget what happened first. I think he got stoned and accidentally ran someone over with his car. Then he started dating his friend's mom who turned out to be a post op transsexual but he loved her anyway but then his father fucked her and somehow made her go away forever. Then he dated a white supremacist girl. Then he ended up making friends with a trans guy that he beat up once but then he realized it was wrong but the Nazi girl's dad kidnapped Matt and the trans friend and was going to force them to cut each others dicks off but Matt escaped and killed Nazi dad and they buried him in the yard and I think nobody ever found out. Then he became a scientologist and then a meth head. That's the kind of show this is. Now he is a mime! That robs gas stations! Who got caught and went to prison, but he's too pretty! Now he is a punk or a flamer or whatever, I forgot te names of the male prison sex hierarchy. Who cares. The point is his prison husband IS MAKING HIM GET BREAST IMPLANTS. Sorry I will probably never have anything to write again because i've killed my brain watching this effing show.

2011-06-23T02:55:00.000-07:00

Holy shit man, I have terrible allergies. Why is this happening to me? I specifically quit smoking so that I would never have to suffer any physical unpleasantries ever again. And also so I would never grow old. Also what the fuck are these birds that are awake and irritating the fuck out of me starting at 3:00 in the morning when it is still dark outside? Is this a new thing or did I just never notice it before because before I had a baby I was drunk all the time. This is some bullshit. I think I'm going to start drinking and smoking again.
I feel like shit. I have a sore throat, a cough,a runny nose, a headache, and vertigo. And my eyes hurt and keep crying tears for no reason. I wonder what I'm allergic to. Probably the fact that we have no power. Yes, my whole town has been in a blackout for over 24 hours. I'm at my parents house right now because the idea of not being able to charge my iPhone gave me a panic attack. Yes, I am pathetic.
My parents are letting me sleep in their awesome comfortable bed because I am totally spoiled even though I am thirty. Probably they're trying to make up for my terrible childhood during which I wasn't allowed to eat sugary cereals or watch tv. I don't even know where they're sleeping. In the minivan? My dad is having an end of life crisis and bought a minivan in order to relive the days when my brother and I still lived under his roof and therefore had to pretend to care about him. We didn't even have a minivan when I was a kid, we had a Toyota Corrola. I told you I had a terrible childhood. It didn't even have cup holders! Even my baby's carseat has a cupholder. I can't wait until my parents wake up so I can ask them why they didn't love me enough to let me have beverages in the car when I was a kid. No wonder as an adult I have at least two bottles of water on me at all times, I now know who to blame my insane bottled water habit on. How is it possible that I feel this shitty when I am practically bathing myself in water from a French glacier? I should feel fucking fantastic. Is all the marketing I've been exposed to over the course of my life a lie? I'm going back to bed.

No seriously, what am I doing in life?

2011-06-22T05:47:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to do with my life. If I look out of my window at work there's a skyscraper with a weird gold art deco penthouse on top that kind of looks like a head, and because I thought it was a romantic idea I asked it what I should do with my life every day for about a year. It never told me. I wonder if I could have a job pretending. I'm so good at pretending that I almost don't need to do anything with my life because I can just pretend I am. I mean, I talked to a building for a year. I wish I could teach a course on pretending to people who've forgotten how to do it. It's my absolute favorite thing to do and also what I am best at. There is no job of pretending.
Moving on. My second favorite thing is laughing. My ultimate fantasy is to die laughing. Like if something was so funny I could not stop laughing until I ran out of oxygen and just dropped dead. Maybe a comedian will pay me to be their muse and laugh at them all day long. After laughing I like making people laugh. When I can make people laugh I feel like I'm Jesus Fucking Christ himself. I could never do stand up because if nobody laughed at me I would probably kill myself I'm not joking.
Writing. I'm good at it but nobody is paying me to do it. That's weird. I don't want to write about anything boring. I don't want to use proper fucking English. Nobody is going to pay me to write anything and that's a damn shame.
Reading. Actually I'm better at reading than I am at writing. I'm better at reading than I am at pretending even. Reading taught me how to do all of that. Books are my father my best friend and my god. If anybody wants to clue me in on where the good jobs reading are that would be excellent.

On Breastfeeding

2011-06-20T04:28:00.000-07:00

I breastfeed my baby. Still. She's almost one. Is that gross? NO THAT'S NOT GROSS. When I first had her I used to lurk on a lot of message boards (message boards are so weird. No matter the topic they all seem to adhere to like the same weird culture of message boards) and there were actually moms on these boards that would say shit like that breastfeeding is disgusting and or sexual. I totally get it when men think breastfeeding is terrible, men think all kinds of weird things, like that it's a good idea to force someone to have sex with them, or that people want to see pictures of their dicks. Not sure why a lady would think that breastfeeding is disgusting. Probably because someone was breastfeeding in a restaurant one time and her pervy husband couldn't look away. Update: the gross lecherous dude you married is the disgusting one. If you don't want to breastfeed because you think tits are for sex I hope you had a c section and didn't molest your baby by making it come out of your gross sex vagina that is for sex only. I also hope if you're one of those depraved people who uses your mouth during sexx0r that you're not using it for anything else later, like eating. Because why would you want a body part to have a myriad of uses when you could use it for one thing only? This one lady on the message board said her tits belonged to her husband. Yikes. That's the creepiest shit I've ever heard in my life. I'm kind of embarrassed I'm admitting that I used to be obsessed with pregnancy message boards. I don't know why I should be embarrassed about that, maybe I'll think about that and write about it later. The last time I read the message board was the first time I commented, because I could not keep my big mouth shut anymore when some stupid idiot was going on about how gross and yucky breastfeeding is and I had to ask her if she planned to explicitly teach her daughter to hate her own body or if she was hoping she would just learn that through observation. I knew I could never go back after that because I was probably banned for being such a bitch, BUT IT WAS A SERIOUS QUESTION!

What am I doing with my life

2011-06-16T06:09:00.001-07:00

Did I tell you I'm a paralegal? Ok, my name is Erin and I'm a paralegal. Get it, like if i was an alcoholic but worse even, because drinking is cool and having a dumb job isn't cool?I've been one for like three years and just recently started admitting it on the Internet because I am super fucking embarrased about my shitty job. I work at a foreclosure law office. Sometimes I think I would rather have sex for money thank work at my terrible job, but I don't want to be killed, and it seems like sex workers get killed a lot, so back to reality back to life, I guess. Although sometimes I'm surprised nobody has broken into our law office and started shooting people. I wouldn't really care if that happened as long as I didn't get killed, which is how much I don't like that job. If I survived a workplace massacre would I be able to claim post traumatic stress and collect disability? I say claim because I am guessing I would actually be fine afterwards and not actually traumatized. It would probably be like watching people die in a video game, except a video game full of people you already wished were dead. I'm exaggerating, I like the people I work with, if they were all killed by a deranged lunatic I would probably feel cognitive dissonance about being so filled with joy at such a terrible time.
You know what, this post is going to ruin my life because nobody that read it would probably hire me. That's fucked up. It's like ra the rugged man says in that one song: the president of the company don't care of you're dead or if you're bleeding. He doesn't! But then you are supposed to care about him not getting shot up by a crazy mortgagor or whatever. NOT. It is also bullshit that businesses want you to give then two weeks notice when you quit. Are they going to give me two weeks notice when they lay me off? Probably not. And you know what happens when I get laid off? I probably eat ramen noodles and cry for a month. But guess what happens when I quit, nothing, they get some other dummy to do my stupid job. Fucken bullshit, mang.

Happy Birthday, Baby

2011-06-15T15:27:00.000-07:00

What do people get their babies when they are one year old? I'm thinking a bucket swing for the yard, can you drill one of those things into a tree branch? I love swings. When I was little my parents got me a swingset and I used to swing all day and I told my parents it was my manifest destiny to win gold medals in the sport of swinging, and they laughed and said there was no such thing. If my kid ever tells me it's her manifest destiny to play on a swingset I am going to sign her up to learn the flying trapeze. Too bad I'm not my own mom, I would probably be a member of cirque du soleil by now instead of a Fucking paralegal. I will never tell my kid there is no such thing. Thanks a lot mom and dad. There is never no such thing!
My mom also told me I wouldn't like being a literary agent. I'm not sure what she thought I wouldn't like, the reading part or the schmoozing part. Two of my favorite things! I'm starting to wonder if my mom secretly hates me and wants to sabotage my life.

The Burbs

2011-06-14T06:07:00.000-07:00

Remember that movie the burbs? That is an awesome movie. The suburbs are fucking weird. I should know, because I live in them now, and it's like a fucking John Cheever novel. Like I'm involved in some sort of vendetta with my next door neighbors for no reason. The lady doesn't like my dog and I don't like her stupid fucking face. She drives a stupid SUV with a sticker that says coexist on it, like where the "t" is a cross and the "x" is a star of David etc. Yeah right, this dumb bitch can't even coexist with me. I should ask her if it's because I'm Jewish and tell her to take that fucking sticker off her car. People in the suburbs are fucking crazy. My mom wants me to make friends with these people, NO THANKS. They're all like 45 and it's not like that's just some random number it's the number of years you've been alive, so whoever said age ain't nothing but a number (probably R Kelly) can fuck off. Although I am making friends with all of the elderly people. Being friends with super old people is like being friends with a story book. If you let them talk they will start telling you some of the craziest shit you've heard.

The suburbs just feel weird. Even the air is weird. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm in the past and the future at the same time. Sometimes it makes me think I'm not real. Sometimes I think I'm definitely the weirdest person on the block but then other times I think about how secretly weird all my neighbors probably are. I want to climb in through their windows and go through all their things. Don't worry, I'm not going to.

Horrormones

2011-06-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

OMG hormones. You know when girls act like fucking psychopaths and blame it on their periods? I used to think those people were liars but then I got pregnant. HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. Why didn't I blog more when I was pregnant? Oh wait, probably because I was too busy crying all the time. If I ever get pregnant again I promise I'll blog so everyone can see how crazy I am when I have woman hormones. My baby father was scared of me. One time I was so mad at him for probably no reason that I started chasing him around the house smashing shit. Glasses. This is why I'm always drinking out of water bottles, because if you let me have a glass I'll just smash it eventually. Then I ran outside in the snow in like a tanktop and underwear and tried to hide in the garage, like he was supposed to think I was running the streets all cold, crazy, and pregnant, and I think the idea was that when he went out looking for me I was going to run back into the house and deadbolt all the doors shut. Anyway it didn't work because he never came looking for me because he saw me sneak into the garage and he thought I was waiting in there to stab him. Actually I'm actually sort of proud that I can inspire a grown man to fear for his life. You know in nature how some small animals can like puff up or do weird shit to make themselves look scarier than they actually are? I was so pathetic and defenseless when i was pregnant that I achieved that goal by screaming and smashing shit and pretty much making it seem like I might be legit murderous. Like, I may be small amd cute but you better take me seriously or I might stab you to death in the garage.
Then after you have a baby hormones make you go crazy again. Here are things I cried About after having a baby:

Baby is going to be embarrassed to have a paralegal for a mother. Yes I actually cried over this. More than once. For some reason I assume that my baby is an elitist prick.

What if baby grows up to be ugly and all the other kids are mean to her? After somebody pointed out that she'd probably be pretty this turned into What if baby grows up to be too pretty and all the other kids are mean to her?

WHY ARE THE BABY'S EYES TURNING BROWN? I always thought god was dead, but now I am sure.

Homicide: Life on the street. Couldn't keep it together watching my favorite tv show from the '90s.

Seriously, it was fucking whack. Now I know why Brooke Shields got so mad when Tom Cruise talked shit about post partem depression. Fuck you Tom Cruise, I hope one day a pregnant lady stabs you in your garage.

Smash Cake

2011-06-09T06:27:00.000-07:00

Does anybody know what a smash cake is? I think it might be one of those things youve never heard of until you have a baby. Like vaginal ultrasounds. Anyway I just found out what a smash cake is, it's a cake for a baby to smash on it's first birthday. You know, because they don't know how to use a fork or anything so they just smash it everywhere I guess. Is this stupid? I kind of feel like this is stupid. If I just give my baby a piece of the cake everybody else is eating does that make me a lame mom? Like when she is five is she going to ask me what flavor smash cake she had at her first birthday and when I say she didn't have one will she hate me? Maybe she'll grow up to be a bleeding heart hippie five year old and she would hate me if I DID buy her a smash cake, like what a frivolous thing to do when there are so many Hungry babies in the favelas of brazil. Or, like, the slums in America for that matter. That's what I'll tell her, 'your smash cake was chocolate, and I sent it to Flint Michigan so some poor family could experience the inanity of a special cake just for their baby.' To tell you the truth, I don't even really want her eating a piece of the cake everybody else is eating, she's already fat enough.

Did you think I was serious? I'm not that fucking crazy.

Benzoyl Peroxide, FTW!

2011-06-08T05:46:00.000-07:00

I ordered proactiv yesterday. Because even though I'm an old mom I still have hormonal breakouts all the time, WTF. You should have seen me when I was pregnant, it was fucking terrible. You know how they say when you're pregnant you get like beautiful skin and hair? That's a fucking lie. My skin and hair looked great like the ninth month when it didn't matter because I was too fat to fit through the front door, the other eight months my face looked terrible and I had to wear makeup every single day. And I was scared to wash my face with anything that might help because I didn't want to have a flipper baby. Anyway now that the baby has been out for like a year I am going to start poisoning myself with proactiv again because looks are all I care about.
Proactiv is terrible. It bleaches all your pillowcases and towels and everything. So that can't be good to have on your face. But on the other hand, Justin Beiber uses it, and that kid looks like a paradigm of health and vitality.
Anyway, I can't wait till my shitty proactiv comes in the mail. The fact that I still have terrible skin at my advanced age is probably karma for something terrible I did. I'm going to use that as a scare tactic for my daughter when she gets older. Like if she asks me if I've ever done ecstasy before or something. "yes I have, and that is why I look like this."

Babies

2011-06-06T18:32:00.000-07:00

Having a baby is way easier than I thought it was going to be. WAY EASIER. You know how people are always telling teenagers that having a baby isn't like having a little doll you can dress up or whatever? Those people are liars, it's pretty much exactly like that. But maybe it's only like that if you're thirty years old or older because I've seen that stupid teen mom show and none of those moms looks like they're having any fun and none of their babies look like little dolls because they are all white trash teen moms who probably didn't get prenatal care or anything and ended up having gross looking weak babies. If you're a teenager reading this who wants to have a baby your baby will be gross and sick looking if you don't wait until you can afford things like mangos and organic seaweed. I should know, I ate all that bullshit and I have the best looking baby on the planet. She looks like a fucking fat little angel that fell out of heaven.
Anyway. Having a baby. It isn't that hard! I don't know though because nothing has ever been hard for me. No that's not true, when I have to wait for things I want it's hard for me not to have a brain aneurism. But I'm pretty much good at everything I've ever done (not counting pool or handjobs). Including having a baby I guess. I'm not as tired or as fat as I thought I would be and I still have tons of awesome friends that don't have babies, and my baby is funnier and better looking than I thought she would be. I only have one friend who has a baby and I think she thought it was going to be easy because she is good at stuff like cleaning and gardening. She's Fucking crazy. One day when her baby was like three weeks old she was telling me something about steam cleaning her carpets, I pretended like I knew what she was talking about but I can't relate to that, like, at all. I can relate to that about as much as I can relate to, like, Muammar Gaddafi. I thought I would probably suck at having a baby because my strengths include incorporating the word "fuck" into my daily life as often as possible and comedic spitting. It turns out babies are super amused b comedic spitting. Who knew.

Yan Can Cook

2011-06-06T08:45:00.000-07:00

Remember that show "Yan Can Cook?" Probably not you're probably not old like I am or if you are you probably didn't choose to watch crappy cooking shows as a child even though your parents had every cable channel known to man. Seriously we had three different HBOs and I was watching Yan Can Cook every day and not even because I wanted to learn how to cook, but because I thought Yan's accent was hilarious. Anway. I can cook too. I just made an awesome and delicious drink and I'm going to share it with you. No I don't have a picture, I don't feel like posting one from my phone (because I don't remember how and I'm too lazy to google it). Haha too lazy to google it. I'm an embarrassment to the human race. Anyway, it looks like a strawberry margarita so you can just picture that.

FUCK YOU MONDAY WATERMELON DRANK:

1 tiny watermelon or whatever they call those watermelons that are a third the size of a normal one. I think mine said personal watermelon on it but I can't see a person eating that whole thing. Get a seedless one. Cut it up and put it in the blender.

1/2 a jalapeno. You can seed it it you want. Throw it in the blender with the watermelon.

1 lime or lemon. You can squeeze it in the blender or pull the rid off and throw the rest in. I did the latter. I used a lemon because I had one but a lime would probably be better.

Do you like sweet things? Put in some sugar or agave nectar or sweet in low (if you're my grandma) whatever. Do you like weird things? I like weird things, if I had basil I probably would have used some.

Throw some tequill up in that piece. Or don't. BLEND.

fin.

Trying to blog more

2011-06-05T17:50:00.000-07:00

Bought two tiny watermelons today so I can make watermelon and jalapeno slushies tomorrow. So that is what I'm going to do tomorrow, sit on my porch and drink delicious slushies all day. I don't work on Mondays because I hated my job and my boss so much I couldn't stand going in there every day. In case you didn't know I have the most boring job ever and I'm pretty sure my boss didn't even go to college. She would probably argue with that statement because she has her paralegal certificate, so that's the kind of person I'm dealing with, the kind of person who considers a certificate program "college." I know I should try not to think I'm better than other people or whatever, but I work with this lady every day and its impossible for me to deny that I'm superior to her in every way. Anyway, I spent $90k on a graduate education I'm not using at all, for anything, besides feeling superior to other people, so please let me keep using it for at least that one thing. Also if I've offended you you dont need to tell me I'm the dumb one for wasting all my money, I already spend way to much time trying to pretend that isn't true. I've truly mastered the art of self deception. Like, when I eat dates I pretend they're Madagascar hissing cockroaches, because they taste really good for cockroaches, and it distracts me from the fact that they taste terrible as non insect food. I'm really good at lying to myself. Anyway the whole point of this story is that I'm super pumped to make watermelon jalapeno drinks tomorrow. If anybody else has a fucking psychotic lunatic for a boss you should call in tomorrow, throw a watermelon and a jalapeno in the blender, a lime, maybe some mint, fuck it, pour in some tequila, and call your boss and tell her everyone wishes she were dead.

this town needs an enema

2011-06-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

Did I ever tell you guys that my brother in law lives with me like 40% of the time? Yeah he stays with his mom the rest of the time but I live way closer to his seasonal job so he stays at my house like three nights a week because why would he want to commute when he can stay at my house and I order food half the time and pay for it and I have netflix and he can smoke weed on my back porch all night. That sounds good, right? You should all come stay with me! I'm not being sarcastic, I love having people stay at my house. I was probably an underground railroad operator in a past life.
Anyway, this morning I wanted to use his car to pick up Dave from the train station so he could babysit my baby and I could be on time to work, but this jackass wouldn't let me use it because he felt like it was going to potentially cause HIM to be late to work, which, hello, he would be late to work every day if he wasn't living at my house because he'd have like a 3 hour commute. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people. And I was already pissed at him anyway because he told me I was white trash for eating soft serve ice-cream. You guys, he was eating SHERBET when he told me this. SHERBET. Next time that lazy motherfucker comes to my house I'm going to put an enema in his fucking chewing tobacco chaw bullshit. Yes I know an enema goes in the butt and what I am talking about is a laxative, I just like the word enema, okay? Remember Bat Dance?

When Harry met Sally

2011-06-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

Today I was talking to Mandy about what she called some when Harry met Sally bullshit, aka when your dude friend tells you he likes you likes you. Pretty sure the first time I heard the phrase LIKE-like it was on the wonder years, and pretty sure the situation (the Kevin Arnold - Winnie Cooper situation) ended poorly. As did every situation in which a dude tells his chick friend he wants to be more than friends, am I right? I don't know, you tell me, did you tell your chick friend you liked her and it turned out fucking great? Yeah probably not. What a terrible fucking situation. And I am way to immature to deal with it with any type of honesty, i usually throw a drink all over myself to give myself an excuse to leave and then when I come back I pretend like nothing happened. Yeah, I am a coward. I would light myself on fire in order to put an end to a scene like that. Seriously, I could exit that scene with more grace ON FUCKING FIRE than I could if I tried to deal with it like a grownup. I can't wait until my daughter asks me for advice on this and I can be like 'spill something and GTFO, why do you think I always have a water bottle with me?" it's not a beverage, it's a parachute.
Anyway. All of mandy's friends love her now. She can't blog about it but I can blog about it, HAHahaha! Stupid dudez. Why do they think professing their love for their chick friends is a good idea? It's a terrible idea! Girls can bang whoever they want, if they wanted to bang you they wouldn't be friends with you! And she already knows you want to have sex with her anyway, you want to have sex with everyone! She has spent the whole friendship pretending I wasn't so and now you've spoiled everything! Stupid.
Ok, listen, if you are friends with me or probably any other girl you better never tell me you have a secret crush on me unless you are really sure I have a crush on you back. Like REALLY sure. Not like last time we were eating Thai food you thought maybe I looked at you more than usual. Probably a situation in which you could be sure would be if I had sex with you and then later didn't try to pretend it never happened.
All those movies where the best friends end up in love, those movies lied to you. Thats why they are movies, because guess who writes movies, fucking nerds. And they write movies about shit that never happens in real life, like Jonah Hill dating Emma Stone. Sorry Seth Rogan, pretty sure you never dated Emma Stone.

2011-05-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

This weekend I dressed my baby up like what I think Alice in wonderland would have looked like as a baby in 2011 and took a million pictures of her. Because I am going to throw a mad tea party for her and I want to make rad invitations. Does that make you hate me? Please don't hate me for having a baby, that's fucking retarded. When you have a baby people who don't have a baby hate you because they think you are boring. I have a baby and I'm fucking cooler than Steve McQueen. Also you shouldn't hate boring people, they usually can't help it. You should pity them and you should pity their sad bored offspring. Also when you have a baby people love telling you you're doing it wrong. NO, UR DOIN IT WRONG. I should make a shirt that says that. Like, instead of having a fucking awesome party I should put money in the bank for college. Well, guess what is better than college. Parties. I would know, I went to college for like ten years. Not that cool. Plus if my baby is 70% as smart as I am she is not going to have to pay to go to college anyway. Paying for college is for sad dumb boring people whose parents didn't throw them any good parties when they were babies. Something else people like to tell me I'm doing wrong is I sleep with my baby. Not like have sex with it, like I let it sleep in my bed. Apparently my baby is never going to want to sleep in her own bed now because I've fucked her up by doing this. Now she's going to want to sleep in my bed forever. Good thing I'm having parties instead of saving all my money for college since she won't be able to go anyway. Because I won't be there and she will have nowhere to sleep. Don't I like sleeping with my husband? Um no not really. Oh unless by sleeping with you meant fucking, yes I do like fucking. I like fucking on the back porch while my idiot neighbors are having dinner and then I like sleeping in my big bed with my baby. I can't wait to tell someone that.

Blogging on the Metra

2011-04-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

How come they tint the windows green on here, is it so that when I look out of the window on this train I can feel like a visitor from another era? Probably not, probably this kind of window is cheaper. There is a baby on here and he keeps making bored noises and ikeep turning around and looking at him, he's with his dad. His dad probably thinks I'm hating on babies or something but actually I'm thinking about how if this train ripped a hole in time and we ended up stranded in a different dimension I could breastfeed that baby and I would be a hero.

So I have a baby now, she is awesome, she likes dancing and jokes. She has better jokes than I have and she doesn't even have any words, so that sucks for me, being less funny than a baby who can't even talk.

Nobody wants to hear about a baby, people hate babies, and they hate mothers even more. Isn't that fucked up? It's pretty fucked up. Now that I'm a mother I know that I will probably get killed by a serial murderer who hates all mothers because his used to make him tape his dick to his leg as a child or something. This is what I've learned for watching law and order. If you're a mother, somebody is going to kill you, and it's either your husband, your husbands girlfriend, your daughter, or some random psycho. Also though if you are a mother you can become imbued with the strength of a bear, this is something else I've learned from television, and from Sarah Palin.

Happy valentines month

2011-01-31T16:01:00.000-08:00

I love valentines day. Remember exchanging cards in grade school? I used to search through the whole box of cards like a true psycho to find the perfect one to give whoever I had a crush on at the time. I choo choose you.
I used to have super hardcore crushes when I was a kid, like they would last for years. I had a crush on a kid named Joey White when I was five and I still wonder what happened to that kid but I guess I will never find out because his name is fucking JOEY WHITE. Yeah, I said it: if that kid's name was less common I would totally stalk him down on facebook like a total creep because I STILL probably have a crush on him. I think I still have a crush on everyone I've ever had a crush on.

The other day a married friend of mine was talking about how her friend who also is married is having some kind of crisis because she simultaneously does and doesn't want to cheat on her husband. My friend told me she tried to make her feel better by pretending she had had a crush on someone once. Holy shit man, I'm married too and if I can't find someone to have a crush on I will make someone up. I've had crushes on people who read this blog who I've never even seen. If being married means I'm not supposed to have a crush on anyone ever I don't think I even want to live anymore. Happy valentines month.

What, no pictures?

2011-01-28T15:59:00.000-08:00

Hey errbody, imma tell you about mandy's date. My friend and yours, Miss Mandy, went on a date with a guy from okcupid. First of all this guy only has one picture in his profile. That means he is probably ugly and also boring. It's like a headshot in front of a wall of records. What the fuck is so cool about records anyway. I'll tell you what that picture means, it means 'I don't have any money but I'll be happy to talk down to you while you buy me drinks.' Actually this guy did buy Mandy drinks, a margarita, an Irish coffee and something else. I guess Mandy was so bored on this date she wanted to make herself throw up for sport. An Irish coffee and a margarita? Yikes. Later he went to her house and brought a box of triscuits. Oh wait no that was Cody (friend of mandy's, not the dude from step by step). This dude brought nothing. Oh yeah, also look what his profile says: "I'm good at expressing complex thoughts rather succinctly and in easy language." I discovered this when I used my fake okcupid account to stalk him down like a true psycho. Anyway, then he kissed her in such a weird and terrible way that even one sex partner Mandy recognized it as weird and terrible. And then later he texted her and told her she has horrible emotional problems, except he said it like this 'u r obvs emotionally disturbed.' I guess that's the succinct language he was talking about. I give mandy's date 2 stars, one for effort, one because at least he didn't use emoticons.

2011-01-17T15:25:00.000-08:00

hello world. sorry i don't write here any more but it's for your own good. i have a baby now. if i wrote on here it would probably be about shit like how my baby is better than any other baby and how when my baby is older if any other kids are mean to her i plan to get revenge by sleeping with their dads. well anyway, i wrote on the internet the other day, and i loved it, so i guess too bad for you. too bad for you if you don't want to hear about things like how i am trying to learn to communicate with my baby THROUGH TELEPATHY. what did i write for the internet, you might ask? just a yelp review of the bleeding heart bakery. an AWESOME review, in which i used the line MOTHERFUCKING HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE WOULD NOT HAVE EATEN THAT CAKE. do you see how i am incorporating cosby humor into my life? THAT IS ALL FOR YOU LITTLE BABY. I AM MOTHER OF THE YEAR. I will also sum up my review of the bleeding heart bakery for you in case you were thinking of going: Snotty staff, subpar baked goods, turns shit green. By shit I mean feces, not, like, general miscellany. Actually though I recommend going there just so you can write a yelp review. The owner responds to like every review, like if you don't like her stupid bakery she will call you a psychopath and accuse you of attacking her. She gets so pissed she misspells everything.

I don't wanna work

2010-10-08T06:47:00.002-07:00

I just wanna bang on my drum all day.

Yes, I'm on the way to my stupid job. Odds I will quit my stupid job today: 1:3.

I left my baby with Jessica, who is funnier than I am. Great. My baby is never going to laugh at my stupid jokes again.

I guess I'm going to go create some lol babies pictures so when my baby grows up I can show them to her and she will be like WTF, and I will have to explain lol cats to her. Them she will tell me I am old and ugly.

jugga what jugga who?

2010-08-19T08:16:00.000-07:00

i had a baby. we can talk about that later though, after we talk about the fact that TILA TEQUILA WAS ATTACKED AT THE GATHERING OF THE JUGGALOS.

if you don't know what a juggalo is you should probably just stop reading. once you acquire juggalo knowledge you can never unknow it. it's kid of like losing your virginity. if you can avoid losing your juggalo virginity you probably should. you know, i don't even know when or how i learned about juggalos now that i think of it. jessica was over yesterday and we were talking about rape, like usual, and neither one of us could remember when we found out that rape was a thing. so look, another thing juggalos have in common with rape. hm, i'm getting kind of uncomfortable with the fact that if someone googles "juggalo rape" my blog is going to come up. IF YOU CAME HERE SEARCHING JUGGALO RAPE, LEAVE PLEASE.

okay anyway, tila tequila was attacked at the gathering of the juggalos (woop woop). ALL THE JUGGALOS THREW BOTTLES AND ROCKS AT HER AND ALSO FECES AND PISS, AND THEN TWO THOUSAND OF THEM CHASED HER DOWN. i don't know people who can't even figure out how magnets work can figure out how to throw piss.

THE JUGGALOS ALSO ATTACKED METHOD MAN AT THE SAME GATHERING. apparently juggalos haven't heard that wu tang clan ain't nothin' to fuck wit. haha, the gathering of the juggalos. that sounds so fucking stupid. like some world of warcraft shizz. if clowns played world of warcraft. please do not ask me why juggalos attacked method man, i do not have any special insight into their fucked minds, i am just here to report the facts.

i was going to post pictures of my rad baby throughout this awesome post about the insane clown posse but then i decided not to when i realized half of the people reading this probably got here by googling juggalo rape. i can't get down with a bunch of fucked up death clown rapers gazing upon my child, sorry internet, you are going to have to wait.

I don't have a baby yet

2010-06-22T16:38:00.000-07:00

I think my baby is going to live inside me forever.

It is going to live in there forever and creep me out until the end of time. My baby is a creep. It does weird pervert things in there, who knew a baby could be such a pervert, WHO KNEW. If it ever does come out I can't wait to remind it what a pervert it used to be every time I get a chance. Aside from being a total creep I think my baby might be a mutant of some sort. I can seriously feel it growing in there and it feels like my stomach is going to rip in half. Like the baby is growing at an alarming rate. Pretty sure you should not be able to feel your baby getting larger by the minute. Maybe my baby father is a vampire like Edward Cullen, didn't their creepy vampire hybrid baby do something like that? Sorry if you never read those idiotic books and I just ruined it for you, THEY FINALLY BANG AND HAVE A CREEPY BABY. Yes I read those horrible books, I don't regret it either because if you make it all the way to the end A WEREWOLF FALLS IN LOVE WITH A BABY. Sorry Stephanie Meyer, but if any of my friends fall in love with my baby I am going to call the police, because that is called pedophelia here in the real world.

I'm blogging on the train! You guys I'm underground right now!

2010-05-27T15:59:00.000-07:00

I'm on the blue line and this giant man is sitting next to me even though there are like seventeen empty seats, oh my god it is giving me a panic attack. This dude is like the giantest man I've ever seen. Anyway I was thinking about getting up and moving but then I realized if something crazy went down on this shitty train I would be pretty much blocked by the giantest man alive, you know, like I some crazy maniac got on the train and started throwing ninja stars at people or something. Then I thought wait, what if this giant man KNOWS that some crazy shit is about to happen and that is why he sat here and blocked me in, BECAUSE HE IS A SUPERHERO. What if it's like that movie where the angels protect that lady and she is like 'why me' and they're like 'because your baby is the only hope mankind has' or something, because she's pregnant. That was in the preview, I never saw the movie. I don't have to watch a lot of movies because I usually just pretend I am in one. Anyway, now I am not getting up and moving because I have convinced myself that the guy next to me is a superhero and that he is going to protect me from certain death. Also what if my future baby is mankind's only hope for real? Well shit, I'm at my stop and none of that shit happened. That is how long it took me to type this on my phone. Oh well, smell ya later, weirdos.

Being pregnant sucks for vain people.

2010-04-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

I have a baby in me, wow. I guess it is supposed to be awesome if you think about how you are making a new person or whatever, but the other 98.7% of the time when you are not thinking about that the whole thing is pretty fucking gay. I don't care if my child grows up and reads this. Guess what future child, being pregnant with you was fucking gay.

It started out right away being gay as hell. Did you know pregnant people aren't supposed to smoke or drink? Gay. In case it doesn't suck enough that you're not allowed to do anything fun you also have to do shit like cook your meat all the way through, WAY TO RUIN EVERYTHING INCLUDING EATING.

Now I am at the part of pregnancy where I don't even care about not being able to do things that are awesome, I don't even have time to think about doing awesome things now because I am too busy being stripped of my basic human right to be pretty. The great part is that I didn't think I cared about being pretty and really didn't think I even was pretty until now that I am not, of course now I think that I was and that it was awesome. DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE GOT TIL IT'S GONE, you can say that again John Mayer. Anyway you know those people on proactiv commercials that talk about how their face was so debilitatingly ugly they couldn't leave the house? And it's like, what kind of idiot doesn't want to leave the house because of their stupid face? Well I am now that kind of idiot. Except I still leave the house, I am just filled with self loathing until I can go back home and put on sweatpants, after which I hate myself in intervals instead of constantly.

So instead of being like amazed by my body because it can create life I hate it because it is fat. That means that I am a shallow and terrible person. OH MY GOD AM I UGLY ON THE INSIDE AND THE OUTSIDE? See, this is what pregnancy does to you, it makes you think about super weird shit. Kind of like if you were on painkillers, but less awesome and fun and more gay.

Does everyone cry when they finsh reading the road?

2009-12-29T11:09:00.000-08:00

I totally cried when I finished reading the road but I pretty much cry every time I finish a good book because A) it's over and B) I didn't write it. Anyway this guy I used to have sex with back in the mid 00s just wrote something on facebook about how he also cried at the end of it, and I am assuming it is not because he didn't write it because I am pretty sure he is less psychotic than I am. You know what though, thank god we never read a book in the same room together, what if we both started crying, I would have to have slapped myself. Jesus Christ it's making me nervous just thinking about it. Anyway I seriously could not stop crying at the end of that book which was awesome because I was at work, and then it was even more awesome later when I started thinking about it on the train and cried some more. Anyway I didn't even know why I was crying since I thought that book had a happy ending, and now that I find out other people are crying too it is pissing me off and making me feel stupid.

Thai food

2009-12-20T14:36:00.000-08:00

I just tried calling my boyfriend to tell him what kind of Thai food I want and it took me forty minutes to find his number in my phone because he saved it as Trisha Nash. What kind of Thai food I want is this curry soup thing with like a giant birds nest of crispy noodles on top of it. I'm supposed to he putting together ikea furniture right now but instead I am blogging on my phone. God my phone is incredible, if it told me I had to sacrifice one friend a year to it I totally would. unlike most of my closest friends my awesome phone never disappoints me. God, Ikea furniture can fucking suck a dick. I wonder if any of my neighbors have a kid that wants to put this shit together for me for forty bucks. I live in the suburbs now so I could probably knock on someones door and ask them that without them thinking I was a psycopath. Living in the suburbs is actually awesome because I'm off the blue line and only like 1 mile outside the city, but nobody knows where to find me. Plus there's a diner right by my house where I can get a hotdog wrapped in bacon and injected with cheese, who even knew such a thing existed.

I guess I should try to think of something interesting to write about tomorrow, I am boring the shit out of myself.

I AM BLOGGING ON THE INTERNET

2009-12-19T17:40:00.000-08:00

woah this is awesome, i should probably pay for the internet so i can do this all the time. i haven't had the internet for like two years for some reason. i guess that reason is that i am so lazy it can actually take me up to two years to motivate myself to call at&t. maybe i'll call at&t tomorrow. yeah right.

i had cleaning ladies at my house today and they broke a doorknob and tried to use a cake plate for a mop water bucket. these are ladies that clean people's houses for a living and yet they don't know the difference between a cake plate and a bucket. this is why i didn't clean my house before they came, because i knew they were going to piss me off so i wanted to get preemptive revenge on them. you know when you're little and your mom makes you clean your room before the cleaning ladies come? i'm nothing like your mom. if i had a kid i would put on that life's a gas song by t-rex and teach them how to slow dance all around the house with their dirty clothes, and drop their clothes everywhere. pardon me monsieur, may i have this dance s'il vous plait? don't worry, the cleaning lady will pick all of this up tomorrow. want to go explode marshmallows in the microwave?

now i have to go to a party where people are dressing up like adult swim characters. i thought about making a sauceman's bib and going as a sauceman's enthusiast (dip it in the sauce, DIP IT IN THE SAUCE!) but of course that idea went nowhere, which should not be surprising as we are talking about a person who will go without the internet for years to avoid making one phone call, god, i am truly amazing.

thank the gods for facebook

2009-04-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

my junior year in high school i used to eat a green pepper for lunch every day and these sophmore guys that sat at a table by ours used to stare at me the whole time like they never saw anybody eat a green pepper before. then i would go outside and smoke and they would come outside and stand around awkwardly not smoking because they all played basketball and one of them asked me to homecoming one year and i said NO. i used to call them the starers. anyway this girl that grew up down the street from me just contacted me on facebook to tell me she is now dating one of them. i used to walk home from school with this girl and my sophmore year i dated this guy for like two months just because she liked him and she convinced me to do it so we could all hang out together because she was fat and it wasn't like he was ever going to date her. he is in prison now. anyway i wrote her back and asked said HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH WHICH STARER ARE YOU DATING I HOPE IT IS NOT LUKE LEMONS, which is the one that asked me to homecoming, and then i said she should have written me on the 21st because that is the birthday of the guy i let finger me behind a dumpster just so she could live vicariously through me, and if she wrote me on the 21st we could have sent him a card in prison. she wrote me back and told me luke lemons is dead and we can always send dumpster fingerbang a card next year because he is going to be in prison for like 10 more years. LUKE LEMONS IS DEAD? but i thought glorious tow headed rosy cheeked high school athletes never died. MAYBE HE IS STARING AT ME FROM HEAVEN. maybe he is watching me take showers! also, why is it that every year i can still remember dumpster fingerbang's birthday? i can't even remember dave's birthday and he is my best friend. i know it is in september and that is it. dumpster fingerbang's real name is sean, and he is half black and half puertorican and he used to force me to listen to pj harvey. when a black lady and a peurtorican man have a baby what on earth would possess them to name him sean. this is the question i have been asking myself for the past 15 years.

you're right, i'm so stupid, i should have sent the fillings to cash for gold.

2009-03-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

seriously how did i not think of that myself. that commercial is only on ten thousand times a day. and i guess people must be super poor now because it is not just on during the day. when you see a cash for gold commercial during prime time viewing hours you are pretty much living during the great depression.

i really hate that commercial. the people on it are so amazed that gold is worth money. YOU MEAN GOLD IS WORTH MONEY??? do they really say that in that commercial, or am i just remembering this wrong because that's what i say every time i see it. i feel like they might really say that because that is how stupid the writers of this commercial think that people are. a four year old knows that gold is worth money.

sign me up to put a bunch of gold in an envelope and stick it in the mail. my mailman steals my mail all the time. mandy sent me a postcard with a man who went blind from art on it and he even stole that. i would have thought the only person who would want that postcard was me, i guess i am not as unique and wonderful as i thought i was. after i am done writing this i am going to write a short film about my mailman having a serious mental dilemma about whether or not he should steal the giant envelope made out to cash for gold.

the number 13

2009-03-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

today i got a letter from a guy named jason voorhees. woah! i said. I JUST GOT A LETTER FROM JASON VOORHEES! nobody in my office knew what i was talking about. what is wrong with these people? i had to call the one attorney that wears fingerless gloves to court and put him on speaker so that i could tell him i got a letter from jason because i felt alienated from society due to the people in my office being such idiots. seriously, in a room full of four people more than one of them should know who jason is. didn't a a new friday the 13th movie come out like 20 days ago, are these people not living in the same america that i am living in?

i don't even know what is supposed to be so scary about the number 13. i was born on the 13th so of course it is my favorite number because i am obsessed with myself. i also work on the 13th floor. which is weird now that i think of it, i am not sure if buildings are even supposed to have a 13th floor. is this a dream? AM I EVEN REAL? i guess i am not dreaming because i would definitely be able to tell. in my last dream that i remember i lived in a castle in the middle of the sea and i had a rooster following me around speaking portuguese and in the one before that i was chace crawford. nobody ever works in my dreams, next time i have one i am going to ask somebody where the money comes from, maybe i can get some ideas. actually i don't even know if i have ever seen money in a dream. it is like my dreams are utopia. except for the forty percent of them in which there are dead animal carcasses everywhere and i keep trying to go around them but i can't because they are falling from the sky and growing from the ground. i should ask my psychiatrist what that means.

yes i go to a psychiatrist, mostly because my mom is one of those people who think that everyone in the world needs to go to a psychiatrist. also because i think it is romantic to go there. i will even dress up for it. i don't mean dress up like dress nice, i mean dress up like a character. stilfled fifties woman of means! a pauvre daisy buchannon! alice in wonderland if she was 20! my psychiatrist think i am absolutely delightful. last time i was there i told him that i wanted to believe in heaven and he laughed and told me i was just not stupid enough for that and i was like no shit, right?

rape town

2009-02-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

there is a raper on the lose in my neighborhood, great. i will tell you a story. when i was seven years old my mom took me on a tour at the lion house at lincoln park zoo. one of the lady lions started going crazy and the tour guide explained to everyone that the lion had set her sights on me and was performing stalking behaviors. this is how i learned that something about the way i look makes me stand out among a crowd of people as the best one to kill. so i know that if they do not catch this guy he is eventually going to try raping me being that he is hanging around the train i take every day and what not THIS IS SO GREAT, so i decided i was not going to walk anywhere anymore, but then i remembered that i love walking everywhere, so that was a conundrum, don't worry, i solved it, i am now carrying a giant knife around in my purse. that is what the rapist is carrying, so now we are even, there, problem solved. i know that i am prepared because i made luke simulate an attack on me for practice. COME HELP ME PRACTICE HOW I AM GOING TO GUT THE RAPIST. it was luke's idea in the first place that i start carrying knives. being married is truly wonderful.

thank you for making me read this horrible book mom, you must hate me.

2009-02-17T17:21:00.001-08:00

i am reading this book called pearl right now, i do not want to read it but my mom gave it to me. my mom gives me lots of books i don't read, but this time she was really excited about it. 'avis wanted to borrow it but i told her NO, i have to give this to erin' she said. it's kind of weird that she still thinks like this because she is constantly trying to give me books she's finished and every time i am like NO, i would not read this EVER. i don't feel bad telling my mom that all the books she likes are shit because when i was like seven i was really into stephen king and she spent the entire year rolling her eyes and telling me i should be reading classic literature and not garbage. anyway now i have to read this book called pearl. when she gave it to me i asked her why it didn't have a seal on it. wait, this book didn't win ANY awards? then i turned it over and saw that it had a review from the christian science monitor. THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR? IS THAT SOME KIND OF A JOKE? anyway i am reading this book now and it is driving me insane. it is pretty much in third person omniscient or whatever, except sometimes the narrator talks to you and says shit like 'what do you think? i think blah blah blah.' it makes me feel like my kindergarten teacher is reading out loud to me. is there such a thing as first person omnisceint? i'm not sure, this book might defy categorization. anyway the most annoying part today was that this girl is in the hospital and she is talking/thinking whatever about her catheter and saying she has a tube stuck in her vagina. um, i thought the catheter goes in your urethra. i guess the urethra is kind of in your vagina? still. aslo the narrator uses the same phrases that the characters use. if you are not a good enough writer to give the characters different voices you should probably write in first person. anyway, the catheter in the vag part whas where i decided this book was one hundred percent annoying. it's about this stupid girl who wants to hunger strike herself to death in ireland for no reason. i hope she dies. i hope she dies so much i had to write it on my envelope/book mark. I HOPE SHE DIES. here, i'll transcribe the whole envelope for you.

I HOPE SHE DIES.

NO, I HOPE THEY ALL DIE.

I HOPE THE STUPID NARRATOR DIES AND THE REST OF THE BOOK CAN BE IN THIRD PERSON.

HOW DOES THE NARRATOR KNOW SO MUCH? IS THE NARRATOR GOD? BARF.

this is the kind of thing i do on the train, write down conversations with myself on envelopes.

2009-02-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

my family started cleaning out my uncle's house the other day. because he killed himself like ten months ago, and that is how my family does things, waits around for three hundred and forty days wondering if maybe it will do itself by magic. and this house was not just my uncle's house, this house was also my grandmother's house, so basically a house inhabited by two generations of people who never threw anything away ever. this is where i differ from everybody else in my family, because i will throw anything away. shit, i've probably thrown away money before. the other way i differ from everyone in my family is that i am somewhat capable of planning. which means if i do not go to the house nothing is going to get done because all my dad is going to do is wander around all the rooms looking at shit for two hours and then go home. when we went there the other day i was like IN THE KITCHEN NOW WE ARE GOING TO DO THE KITCHEN and then i attempted to throw away everything in the kitchen. except apparently my dad is into the earth because he set up a recycling box and took everything i threw in the garbage and tried to recycle it. you guys, my dad tried to recycle a waffle iron. this is how it went:
"dad, you can not recycle A WAFFLE IRON"
"sure you can, it's metal. scrap metal!"
"THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DO SCRAP METAL, YOU THROW SCRAP METAL IN THE STREET AND THEN SANFORD AND SON COME PICK IT UP IN THEIR TRUCK, THAT IS HOW YOU DO SCRAP METAL."

my dad also thinks you can recycle CLOTH. i tried to call my mom on the phone to tell on my dad for being stupid. "I'M CALLING MOM" i said. it took me twenty minutes to call her on the rotary dial phone. my mom's phone number is like all eights. if you tried to call 9-1-1 on a rotary dial phone you would probably be raped twice before you got the dispatcher. my mom wasn't even home but during the time i was trying to call her my dad found a jar of sand in the pantry and would not let me throw it away. "but it says miami on the bottom of it!" this is why i told everyone to throw everything away and not look at shit. when you start looking at shit is when you end up with a stupid jar of sand from miami because you think it is so precious that your grandmother brought home a giant jar of sand and labelled it. what the fuck was my grandma even doing in miami??? my dad also saved two giant mason jars of matchbooks. i love how doing things with my family makes me act like i am fucking sixteen years old, and a bitch. my dad asked me if i wanted the pots and pans and i'm like "FOR WHAT," in the snottiest voice ever, "remember how i got married and people gave me pots and pans from france that cost $300 each, NO I DO NOT WANT THESE STUPID POTS AND PANS." if anybody else asked me if i wanted some pots and pans i would probably be like "oh no, i have so many new pots and pans, but thanks for thinking of me!" but my dad asks me this and i act like he asked me if i wanted chlamydia. my dad also tried to save everything for the estate sale. i don't even know what an estate sale is, but i do know that the estate sale lady is not going to want to sell a turkey baster from 1922. "if anybody wanted a turkey baster they would go to target and buy it for one dollar." this is what i told my dad but he thinks there is some kind of market for antique turkey basters i guess. that's what he said. "it's an antique!" i can't wait to see my dad on antiques road show with a turkey baster and a jar of vintage sand.

basically i threw everything away and my dad took everything out of the garbage and i waited until he wasn't looking and threw it all back in there. too bad someone wasn't there filming us because if you watched it high speed it would probaly look like fucking benny hill. something we all agreed we could throw away was a box of GOLD FILLINGS. i opened this box and dropped it on the floor. "WHAT IS THIS???" it was what i thought it was, hundreds of gold fillings. was my grandma a nazi? when my dad agreed to let me throw it away i was stunned into not pressing that issue, which is probably why he did it, he probably dug it out of the garbage when i wasn't looking. i am going to have to tell my mom to be on the lookout for nazi contraband around their house.

i guess i am going to move into this house eventually because it is mine now, my mom is all worried it is going to haunt me. something else stupid that my mom thinks is that my uncle was maybe murdered. i think my whole family thinks this for some reason, they even hired a private investigator. maybe my uncle's ghost will haunt me into solving the crime, then i can star on forensic files.

xoxo

2009-01-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

so i woke up this morning and i asked myself DID I DREAM I HAD A THREESOME WITH THESE GUYS FROM GOSSIP GIRL?

because it seemed like i dreamed that, but also like i definitely did not dream that. OH SHIT, I KNOW I DID NOT DREAM I WAS ONE OF THEM, FUCKING THE OTHER ONE OF THEM. oh yes i did. FAGGOTRY! in case you wondered i was the cuter and more boring one in my dream. this is one of those times i thank the fucking gods that i am a girl. if i was a dude i would probably be on the sex offender registry by now. or at least i would be seriously reevaluating my life.

well hello there.

i wonder if it is a problem that i am a seventeen year old sexually confused male in my dreams. actually i wasn't that confused, i think the chuck was kind of confused, but i helped him figure shit out. oh my god i am a latent pederast.

reading

2009-01-27T17:46:00.000-08:00

today i was talking to dave at work and i got a text from mandy that john updike died. my first thought was, who cares, because caring when somebody you don't know dies is stupid. i learned that at a young age when kurt cobain died and every loser i went to school with wore black. STOP CRYING ABOUT KURT COBAIN, YOU ARE 12 YEARS OLD. but then i thought more about john updike and i realized that he is one of the only writers i like that is still writing books, like all the time, which even if not every one of them is as good as rabbit run they are still all probably better than whatever else people are writing these days. so i guess that fucking sucks. all of the other writers i like are either dead or they only write a book like every ten years. which really pisses me off because seriously once you're written three or four books how hard can it really be? STOP SLACKING.

i feel like for some reason the only writers that put shit out regularly are writers that fucking suck. like chuck palahniuk, it seems like every time i go to borders that fucker has a new book, and i usually buy it, and they usually suck. fool me twice shame on me i guess. the last book i read by him was rant, and let me tell you it fucking sucked. i thought it was about a serial killer, but it turned out it was about time travel and magic, basically harry potter, if harry potter talked about pussy more. GAY. it was also written from the points of view of like 70 different people, except i guess nobody told chuck palahniuk that he is a shit writer and doesn't know how to use more than one narrative voice. something else that nobody ever told him is that most of the people who read his books are not smart enough to figure out how to pronounce his name, fuck even i have no idea how you pronounce that shit and i am basically a god damn genius. TIME TO GET A PEN NAME.

i am reading a book of common prayer by joan didion right now, which is awesome, even though i usually try to avoid reading books with the word prayer in the title. too bad joan didion has only written FIVE BOOKS and she is probably going to die any day now, i mean seriously, look at her

anyway, john updike. i remember the first time i read the a&p, i guess this story is pretty much about nothing which is the best kind because then you can think about it however you like. what i thought about it was that life starts disappointing you when you are 14 and it never stops until you become a shell of a person. except it doesn't stop then either, you just don't notice anymore. which i guess is depressing except the other nice thing about stories about nothing is that everybody experiences nothing little boring situations every day, and if you think about them like a story they can all be beautiful. so thanks for that, mr. updike.

dave's scarf

2009-01-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

dave stupidly left his scarf with me at the empty bottle this weekend. he carries this scarf around like a talisman all winter so i pretended like i lost it and proceeded to take a picture of everyone at the bar wearing it.

hey can i take a picture of you wearing this scarf under a sign that says booty clown?

i think i am going to start carrying props around with me to photograph strangers with all the time because people seriously loved it, and i aim to please. this guy is not actually a stranger though, and he is in a perpetual state of bliss anyway.

this girl is a stranger, and she looks pretty excited.

i am going to print all these pictures out and fax one to dave at work every fifteen minutes. i should probably write messages on all of them. I HAZ YOUR SKARFF.

orange is probably not this guy's color.

this is jenn, she is the drummer for tyler john tyler. say hi to jenn and her blue glasses. HI JENN. tyler john tyler is a real person. yes, there is an actual person named that, ya heard? the real tyler john tyler says i smell like freedom. we couldn't find the real tjt at this time which sucked because he probably would have done something amazing with this scarf. like made love to it.

this is becca, also in tyler john tyler. i think the real tjt left after they played because he probably didn't want to know what was going to happen next. last time they played what happened next was the most horrible band i've ever seen. it had like eight people in it. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THE WU TANG CLAN? they all stood in a line and did annoying things into their respective microphones. such as playing the saxophone, or screaming.

i think the whole reason i was wearing dave's scarf in the first place was because i decided to wear a tank top to the bar even though it was negative four degrees. being a grown up is fucking awesome because if you don't want to dress in a weather appropriate manner nobody is going to make you.

this guy kind of looks like dave, same hair, same cardigan. plus he was already wearing an orange scarf. maybe they're brothers, i don't think anybody really knows for sure what dave's dad was up to in the seventies.

this guy doesn't look that excited about me taking his picture, but he does look like he might be about to blow up a building.

this busted ass version of ryan gosling absolutely did not want to wear this scarf. OH, YOU WANT TO, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO. i should write him a missed connections. I SAW YOU at the empty bottle. i made you wear my friend's scarf.

this guy on the other hand was super excited to wear it. look at him, he's glowing.

a lot of these people have weird facial hair.

nice bangs dude. this guy looks like he gets his eyebrows professionaly groomed but cuts his hair at home. i cut my hair at home too but i actually look in the mirror while i'm doing it. just kidding, this guy was nice. i mean, i don't remember if he was nice, but he looks like he probably was.

jay z has these same reading glasses.

this guy probably knew i was going to talk shit about all of these people on my blog so he hid his face. is he giving me a thumbs up?? seriously though, i love all of these people, except for the busted ryan gosling, who i hate. i'm sure he hates me more because i harassed him for ten minutes until he finally put the fucking scarf on. seriously dude, why are you trying to rain on my parade?

this guy must watch america's next top model because he knows not to let his beauty overtake the scarf as the focal point of the photograph.

i don't really have anything to say about the rest of these.

this guy looks pretty natural in a bears scarf. is he wearing mascara?

here's kristina, making the bears scarf look elegant.

if it wasn't so cold i would keeps dave's scarf for a whole week. i would send him a postcard from his scarf. WISH YOU WERE HERE.

ohio

2009-01-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

i went to delphos ohio this weekend. if you want to know what is in delphos ohio, the answer is NOTHING. i wanted to go there because my uncle's dead body is there. isn't that so gross? dead bodies being buried places? next time you go to a cemetery make sure you think about how all the people are under there with all their little clothes and shoes. do they even put shoes on dead bodies? i have no idea. but make sure you think about all their clothes, and how the people buried in 2008 are wearing 2008 clothes but they are buried next to people in, like, 1916 clothes. that is what i think about. i don't even know what people used to wear in 1916. probably tiny clothes, weren't people a lot smaller then? anyway apparently my dad and brother made plans to go to delphos and they didn't invite me because they are assholes, but then of course my brother flaked out on that plan, but HA HA me and mandy had our own plan to go there, LOOK WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON GOING TO DELPHOS NOW, THE ONE WHO WASN'T INVITED. i told my dad he could meet us there because i am a wonderful and munificent person. my dad wanted to stop at his friend's house along the way because nobody had been able to get ahold of this friend and my dad thought maybe he had shot himself in the head or something so he wanted to go there, i guess because my dad likes discovering suicide victims once per year. anyway me and mandy ended up driving with my dad, pretty much because i thought i could write a great short story about that, driving to delphos and finding a suicide along the way. like maybe my dad would have to clean the blood off of everything with paper towels and i could write about all the balled up paper towels, tinged with pink and gently unfurling, like peonies. i guess i am going to have to save that line for a different story because his friend was fine. i guess. except when my dad said he was glad he was fine he said something like 'i'm not really.'

my dad is hilarious. when we got to the microtel inn in delphos he asked the 16 year old behind the counter if there was 'a nice place where we can get a steak and a martini.' she said no so we went to this place called the rusty buggy. they did make us martinis there but i don't think the lady ever made one before because we asked for them straight up and they came to the table in tiny goblets full of ice. then the waitress showed us pictures of her kids austin and nadine, and told us that when they when they go off to college she would like to study graphic design in paris. then we went to a bar and my dad told us his philosophy on obscenity, which is that nobody is offended by the word fuck anymore so people are going to have to come up with new swearing, and his example was, i'm not even kidding, THROW A JEW IN THE OVEN. my mom is a jew.

the next day we went to the awesomest antique store ever and mandy found a sign that said slag on it. for some reason it cost $62, i probably should have bought it anyway.

i bought a dress for two dollars, i can't tell if it's a prom dress or 1950s loungerie but it was only TWO DOLLARS. then my dad bought me a christmas ornament that said 1979 on it because that is how old i am, one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine years old.

also i forgot about how we got lost in chesterton indiana and some guy got all pissed at us because we stopped in the middle of the highway, and then when we went to the gas station to get directions the angry guy was there BUYING ROOT BEER AND MILK and he gave us FAKE DIRECTIONS. then he came back out and gave us real directions because he 'wasn't pissed at us no more.' i should have told him to go throw another jew in the oven but i don't even know if that would offend anybody in indiana.

it's a fucking valuable thing

2009-01-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

i am reading the red eye right now, the stupidest newspaper ever. the only reason this stupid paper is even in my house is because it's free and i like to do the crossword because it is so easy it makes me feel like a goddamn genius. this paper was created for young people who are too stupid to read a real newspaper, it is like thirty pages and has articles about things like what to do if you are dating a twentysomething divorcee or where you can buy perfume for your dog. anyway today there is an article in there about kuma's, the best restaurant ever, and the new FUCKING BLAGOJEVICH BURGER which is a giant hamburger with bologna all over it ON A BUN MADE OUT OF GRILLED CHEESE SANDWHICHES. of course mandy told me about this burger yesterday which is the whole problem with newspapers, every time i read one i am like I ALREADY SAW THIS YESTERDAY, ON THE INTERNET. mandy said it was called the fucking valuable burger, which is actually a way better name than the fucking blagojevich burger. i guess when i go to kuma's this week that is what i am going to ask for. the fucking valuable burger. usually when i go there i get the goblin cock which is a giant hamburger with a giant hotdog on top of it, but does the goblin cock come on a bun made out of grilled cheese sandwhiches, NO. i have to order the most disgusting thing on the menu every time i go there, because one of the great loves of my life is eating six pounds of calamari and a hamburger with a hotdog on top of it and getting fanfare for it.

MANDY ARE YOU WATCHING GOSSIP GIRL RIGHT NOW?

2009-01-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

i am watching gossip girl in the name of research. so far i am learning a lot about dressing like a whore. i can watch all the shitty tv shows i want and nobody can make fun of me because i am writing a tv show. actually mandy is writing a tv show, i am getting drunk and yelling out ideas. hopefully one day we will actually film our shitty tv show and the four people readings this can watch it on here. hopefully i can get that idiot i married to play me, here is his impersonation.

this is the part where if mandy had one on her flickr i would show you a picture of the most annoying asian chick ever. i guess it is probably racist of me to characterize her as asian for no reason but i don't care because she spent twenty minutes that night talking about how she worked at a jew camp and hates jews. wait, what is a jew camp? DO YOU MEAN A CONCENTRATION CAMP? do you know how hard it was for me to not say that out loud? pretty fucking hard.

anyway, i have not been up to shit besides becoming one of the legion of fucking douche ass losers who sits in a bar and writes things down in a notebook, i guess 2009 is the year i start to annoy even my own self.

here is a picture of me ringing in the new year with sabrina and colin. i am obviously talking about something fascinating because colin is playing with his iphone. you can't tell but i was wearing a giant hair clip with feathers and sequins on it. those are my goals for 2009. write a shitty tv show and channel daisy buchannon.

after all i've done for you!

2008-12-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

today my brother called me to ask me what i want for my birthday, christmas, and all those other holidays we both hate. i know what i want for all those stupid holidays, i want my brother to not get back together with his crazy ex girlfriend. because on thanksgiving his stupid ex girlfriend that he dumped called him to tell him she missed him so much she ate fourteen pills and tried to kill herself and she wanted him to go over there and talk to her AND HE DID. god, what a fucking idiot. first of all fourteen pills isn't going to kill anybody, i wish she would have called me, i would have told her to take the whole bottle. i told him not to go over there but did he listen to me, no. i was right though, wasn't i? i mean, when somebody fakes their own suicide to get you to go over to their house and then you do it that means they win, and if someone else is winning, then what are you doing, losing. losing is unacceptable in life and you should never do it. anyway, if she is somehow telling the truth, which she isn't, she is seriously mental and nobody should ever talk to her again, so either way, my brother is a total fucking idiot for going over there. anyway i guess he might get back together with her now. which i thought was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard, but now that i'm thinking about it, it might actually be the smartest because from now until the end of time he can constantly throw it in her face that she faked being suicidal. HEY, REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME, WHEN YOU PRETENDED YOU WERE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF TO MANIPULATE ME INTO GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU? i would also bring it up every time the other person tried to get me to do something i didn't want to do. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE LAUNDERMAT WITH YOU. WAIT, ARE YOU GOING TO KILL YOURSELF IF I DON'T? i would do it all the time until the relationship was so unbearable they would break up with me and never contact me again. except then later when i ran into them i corner them and tell them i don't believe i saved their life and then they left me. YOU WERE JUST USING ME, AND I LOVED YOU AS MUCH AS I KNEW HOW! i would say.

i will blame it on my blood transfusion.

2008-11-18T16:35:00.001-08:00

sorry i haven't blogged for seven years, i was in rehab. don't worry, i didn't learn anything. anyway, i just got off the train and i had a voicemail from this blood bank i donated to, they didn't say why they were calling but obviously it is BECAUSE I HAVE AIDS, there is really no other reason for them to be leaving me cryptic messages unless I HAVE AIDS AND OR HEPATITIS. anyway i had to walk all the way home before i called them back because the lady said the phone number all fast, JESUS CHRIST LADY,SLOW YOUR ROLL, MY MIND IS RAVAGED BY AIDS. while i was walking home i wondered if i could convince my boyfriend he gave it to me. probably not since it is no great secret i spent two years of my life routinely fucking everybody. and i know you can't tell a person has aids by looking at them, but if it is possible for a person to look hiv positive i have probably banged him. i'm serious. one time my friend jenny met this guy i used to bang and the first thing she said was that he looked like he had hiv. HAHA. HE PROBABLY DOES! I GUESS NOW I HAVE IT TOO! i said. anyway, after i decided there was no way my boyfriend was going to believe this was not my fault i wondered if he was going to drag me into the car, take me to an abandoned lot, slam my head in the car door and then shoot me, because that is what i would probably do. then i wondered if i would be one of those people who is all cool and tells everyone i have aids, so what of it, don't be ignorant, or if i would just never tell anyone, even my parents. then i tried to decide who i was going to call if i had aids, probably mandy or sabrina. WHY DID I EVER DONATE BLOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE, I COULD HAVE LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE NOT KNOWING I HAD AIDS! this is what you get for trying to be a good person. aids knowledge. this is not fair, even my friend stacy the whore doesn't have aids, what the fuck. thank god for the internet, i am going to use the internet to find someone just like me with aids and they are going to tell me what to do, and also i can start a new blog called MARY HAD AIDS and i can write about my aids journey. it will be my legacy. seriously that is what a colossal loser i am, AT LEAST I CAN WRITE ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET. anyway, then i called the blood bank, some lady answers who can barely even speak english, like are they going to pass the phone off to a trained professional or am i going to have to find out i HAVE aids from someone that can't even PRONOUNCE aids? guess what, ALL THEY WANTED WAS MORE OF MY BLOOD. i guess i don't have aids or they probably wouldn't want it, THANKS FOR THE MOST TERRIFYING TEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE CHICAGO BLOOD BANK.

fuck fashion

2008-09-06T10:28:00.001-07:00

i just read an article about fast fashion. fast fashion is like fast food. cheap shit you don't need. fast fashion is when you buy a dress at H&M that falls apart in the washing machine and then you throw it away which is NOT GREEN, NOT GREEN AT ALL. BAD FOR THE EARTH AND BAD FOR SOCIETY. fast fashion is different than slow fashion. this is slow fashion:

i guess the logic is that nobody would ever throw these shoes away because they cost $795. this is something i learned while reading an article about why i should boycott fast fashion written by the style expert of some stupid british newspaper. the first sentence in her asinine article asks me if i've ever been to bangladesh. uh, actually i haven't, probably because i am not some kind of wealthy international jet setter, which is coincidentally the exact same reason i haven't replaced all my clothes with timeless well made pieces that i can 'wear and wear, and then pass on to my ungrateful children.' aka stuff like this:

god, how am i ever going to embody timeless glamour without an heirloom couture wetsuit. thanks a lot mom.

i don't know if that lady is wearing a swimming cap or what. god, she looks like a fucking asshole. i guess fashion writers don't believe their readers are intelligent enough to figure out that the acutal problem might lie within the fact that said fashion writers have somehow brainwashed millions of women into thinking their lives would be better if they looked more like fucking assholes.

vegan bakeries are a bunch of bullshit.

2008-08-20T16:10:00.001-07:00

i went to the bleeding heart bakery like two weeks ago, i actually was excited about it, STUPID ME. see, this is why it is a waste of time to get excited about things. anyway i was excited because i heard this place was good. too bad after i ate there, and SPIT MY CUPCAKE OUT INTO THE PRETENIOUS BOX IT CAME IN i realized what my dad was talking about all those times when he said 'consider the source.' see, when a vegan tells you something tastes good, what they actually mean is that it tastes good COMPARED TO WHEY. like when i used to be a vegetarian and i told people fake bacon tasted just like real bacon. sorry everyone i told that to, it turns out what i meant to say was that fake bacon tastes just like real bacon IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN REAL BACON IN FIVE YEARS AND DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. also, i guess the bleeding heart bakery's heart does not bleed for the environment because if it did my cupcake probably would not have come inside two bags and a box.

i actually ate another vegan cupcake in new york, god knows why, i guess i was trying to give peace a (second) chance. god, second chances are a bunch of bullshit. in case you did not know, the whole reason that a cupcake is good in the first place is because it is MADE OUT OF BUTTER. i don't know what they substitue for butter at these places. melted carrots? cardboard? and the bleeding heart bakery isn't even a vegan bakery, i am just hoping that i accidentally ordered a vegan cupcake because otherwise i have no idea why that thing tasted like an organic tampon.

aka ghostface killah

2008-08-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

so you know how i cut myself on tuesday or whatever day that was, anyway the next day i am at work and i realize i can't feel my thumb and am probably an idiot with nerve damage so i went to the doctor because even though i am one of those jackasses who refuses to go to the doctor ever i would rather do that than be at my job. i spent the entire walk to the doctor smacking my thumb against things and being amazed by how i couldn't feel it at all. 'i have a ghost thumb,' i told myself. anyway here is the conversation i had with the doctor. after reading this you are not going to believe i scored an 800 on the logic section of the GRE.

me: i can't feel my thumb. i don't know if that is because i severed all the nerves in it or if it's because i wrapped this band aid around it too tight.

doctor: why did you wrap it so tight?

me: because it was bleeding all over everything and then my dogs were licking all the blood off everything. i can't have blood all over my apartment!

doctor: why didn't you come in for sutures?

me: because i put a band aid on it, duh.

the doctor probably realizes i am a genius at this point. anyway i had to have four stitches in it so i guess now when i commit crimes my thumbprint is going to look really fucking tough. SCARFACE GHOST THUMB. i also have nerve damage but apparently thumb nerves grow back at a rate of one millimeter per month so i guess i will have feeling in my thumb again IN ONE OR TWO MONTHS. don't worry, it's my left thumb, i can't even remember the last time i used it.

fuuuuuck

2008-08-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

i am sick as shit right now except i have to go to work anyway because i am already calling in thursday and friday so i can fuck off in new york. being sick is kind of awesome though because then you can be like your own personal biological weapon. don't make me touch everything on your desk. being sick is also awesome when you married your boyfriend who will never take care of you. then when he comes home and you have a fever of 102 and are about to pass out from cleaning the whole apartment he can tell you you did a shitty job. i deserve this because if i ever married someone stupid enough to take care of me i would probably accuse them of patronizing me and divorce them.

i just took a break from writing this to eat some havarti and i almost cut my own hand off. i can't even believe how much blood is coming out of my fucking hand, enough to stage my own death probably. i guess now is when i finish writing this so i can smear it all over my arms and lay down in the bathtub before dave gets home from the liquor store.

i met a dude who looks just like pete dougherty

2008-08-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

i managed to keep that shit to myself for like two hours until it became too much and i screamed BABYSHAMBLES in his face like i had tourettes. i had to travel all the way to elgin for a chance to do this. elgin is a place where everyone hates me but i keep going back there because my love for mandy is that strong. then we had fourthmeal and babyshambles and the rest of his band slept in mandy's basement. we had to sneak them out in the morning like they were soujourner truth. i must have been drunk as hell because i thought there were only two of them but there were three. i probably didn't realize the third one was with the other two because he was conventionally attractive and the other two looked like they climbed out of a sewer.

i know i do not have fleas.

2008-07-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

my boyfriend thinks i have fleas at my apartment so he is going to come over here and do flea killing shit and he actually thinks i am going to help him. YEAH RIGHT. why do people go insane about fleas, i know my dogs do not have fleas. it's like people see a speck of dirt and they think they are dealing with a fucking plague from christ or something. i think i would know if there were fleas here being that I HAVE HAD FLEAS BEFORE, NOT MY DOGS, ME. i don't know why i'm not embarrassed to shout that from the mountaintops. they were personal fleas and didn't bite anyone except me. i even went over to my boyfriend at the time's house and rolled all over all the furniture to infest it with fleas and it didn't even work. if you wonder why i wanted my boyfriend to have fleas it's so that i could pretend he gave them to me and break up with him. i ended up having to break up with him the old fashioned way. on myspace. i can't wait to tell my boyfriend that spraying for fleas is not very green of him. i am going to do that as soon as he walks in here and then i am going to tell him that i am going to my room to google 'natural predator of fleas' and find out what it is so we can release one in the house. then i am not going to come out of my room until he is done with his flea shit. while i am in my room i am going to turn the lights on and off until the earth dies.

other things i said i would never do

2008-07-29T18:08:00.001-07:00

i bought a pair of skinny jeans this weekend. is that what they call those horrible jeans that are so skinny at the ankle that you can hardly get it over your foot? yeah i got a pair of those. we now know that i am susceptible to peer pressure because i tried the things on and was like HEY MANDY LOOK AT HOW HORRIBLE THESE ARE and she told me if i wear them with this little dress thing i have from american apparel in every color people will think i am awesome so i bought them. then i went home and was like DOES EVERYONE LIKE THESE JEANS, I AM GOING TO WEAR THEM IN NEW YORK. which is how roommate and old friend and my boyfriend that i am married to found out i was going to new york because apparently i forgot to tell them. yes, that is what a terrible person i am, good thing i got those pants or i probably never would have told them and they would have had to file a missing persons report. then they could have put out an amber alert and mandy would have gone to jail for abducting me and transporting me across state lines.

i have absolutely nothing interesting to report, i guess they're right, marriage is boring. maybe tomorrow i will write about the fourth of july and if you are lucky i will even post pictures of myself wearing a sombrero and brawling with a man in the alleys humboldt park.

stupid.stupid.stupid.stupid.punk.

2008-07-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

now that i am married i have all these checks so on thursday i decided i was going to go buy a laptop. as i was endorsing all these checks i realized that my last name wasn't on any of them, what the fuck people, you are writing checks to a person who doesn't exist. i am one of those people who gets an idea out of nowhere, like 'hm, should i buy a laptop? maybe i should' and then within twenty minutes if i don't have a laptop i am going to die. there's a dmv like two blocks from my bank so i walked over there and got a new drivers liscence with my boyfriend's name on it for the explicit purpose of cashing a bunch of checks and buying a laptop. sadly i am not even joking. i was pretty much planning on keeping my own name forever until it started impeding on my ability to be rash, impatient and stupid. it only took ten minutes because nobody goes to the dmv downtown except for me. seriously, i have never seen another person in there. i am like 'okay, now that i am a whole new person i am ready to cash these checks' except the stupid bitch at the bank would not let me cash them because they have my boyfriend's name on them also, which i guess is understandable so i ask her if he can endorse them or if he should actually show up at the bank with me, and she says NEITHER because we can not cash them unless we have a joint account.

this is when i started to get extremely pissed off because i am never going to open a joint account with my boyfriend EVER. what is even the point of that. so that i can spy on him and make sure he isn't buying hookers? uh, that flies directly in the face of my don't ask don't tell policy. the stupid teller was all incredulous about the fact that i didn't want to open a joint account at her stupid bank. oh god i was so pissed off. i told her if she made us open a joint account all i was going to do was put the stupid checks in there and then withdraw them five minutes later and close the account and she is like WELL THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THEN. i can't wait to go back to the bank and close my account. when they ask me why i am closing my account i am going to be like BECAUSE YOU GUYS DISCRIMINATE AGAINST INDEPENDANT PEOPLE. that is when they are going to suddenly let him endorse those checks to me but i am still going to close my account, and then i am going to have to open a whole new account at a whole different bank and i am never going to get my laptop but i don't even care because I HAVE PRINCIPALS.

sometimes i thank god i can't sing because nobody can blame me for anything

2008-07-27T09:50:00.001-07:00

remember when i said i would never get married? HA. too bad you didn't know me before the internet was invented or we could also laugh about the times i said i would never suck a dick or smoke crack. these are the lies we all tell ourselves. here is a picture of me channeling daisy buchannon.

too bad my camera is all fucked or i could also show you a picture of me sitting in a bucket the night before telling everyone i was r kelly. twenty minutes before this picture was taken i was eating eggs benedict while sabrina wrote a note to our waiter about fucking some lady's mother.

i finally found a good use for the holy bible. later that day sabrina threw it down on some idiot's head.

here's a picture of me and mandy in the photobooth. if you wonder what me and mandy are doing in the first picture, we are impersonating bret michaels. wait, why is my drink brown in that picture? oh yeah, because we ran out of vodka in THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES.

my brother performed the ceremony, it was five minutes long. i think i made a promise to be best friends with my boyfriend until the end of time. yeah right, everyone knows dave is my best friend until the end of time. the main thing that is gay about weddings is the music so i didn't pay for any. i mean, if we are going to listen to gay music i guess i will tell my gay friends to bring their gay records for free.

what, you didn't play small faces at your wedding? pfft. loser.

i am going to kill someone.

2008-07-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

1. it is so hot outside i am going to kill someone. i just rode my bike home from work and by the time i carried the fucking thing up all the stairs i was so furious i almost threw it over the side of the porch. that is how furious i was FOR NO REASON. it is that hot outside.

2. my mom is on my god damn nerves. she wrote me some stupid email today about how she loves me even though i forgot her and my dad's anniversary. uh, isn't an anniversary one of those fake holidays that nobody cares about except the people whose anniversary it is? even those people might not care. also i can not forget my parents stupid anniversary even if i try because it is five months before i was born NOT NINE, BUT FIVE. slutz.

3. my dog won't stop barking. the dog whose existance i usually deny because she dedicates her life to irritating the fuck out of me. the other dog is being perfect, like usual. barking dog is also sneezing. she sneezes when i pay attention to her, because it hardly ever happens so it is exciting. yeah, she sneezes when she is excited. one of her many ultra annoying traits. she is allergic to good times. she is so excited right now because i am yelling at her. scared and excited at the same time. idiot.

look! i'm still alive!

2008-07-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine died this week. yawn. this is getting fucking old to me. actually no it isn't. which is the weird thing about death. it is like the only true given in life but our dna doesn't even have anything in there to tell us it is normal. thanks a lot god. and animals don't have any death skills in their dna either, i know this because i have seen a squirrel sitting in the middle of the road all confused about its squashed friend. watching animals mourn road kill is like the saddest thing on earth.

i wasn't super close to this dead person either, so you don't have to console me. he was a friend's brother. i went over to his house and brought him lasagne yesterday. I HAVE NOTHING INSIGHTFUL TO SAY ABOUT THIS SO HERE, EAT THIS FOOD. people should make it a general rule to not say insightful things ever, because most peoples insight fucking sucks. dave loved it that i made my friend food because according to him it was old fashioned and lovely. i didn't bake it before i brought it over because i thought they would have like seven thousand casserole dishes full of shitty food people brought them so i thought they could put the raw lasagne in the fridge and heat it another day but i guess bringing food to the grieving really is old fashioned because they had nothing to eat in the whole house. and then my friend didn't know how to turn on the oven so thank god i did bring it, i have no idea how he has been feeding himself for the past however many years.

then i had to leave before it came out of the oven because i wasn't sure about the etiquette of eating grief lasagne. like is it rude if i have some, or is it rude if i don't have some, i have no idea. mmm, grief lasagne. the red peppers tell you to cry, the cream says it's okay and the vodka says it's not. i actually didn't leave before it came out of the oven, i left right after that, because i wanted to make sure he knew how to turn the oven off.

i had to try really hard to follow my own rule about not sharing my brilliant insights with others because they think it was a suicide. they don't know because there wasn't a note or anything and it was one of those things that i guess maybe could have been an accident. here is my insight on suicide: when someone commits suicide and everyone tells you it was not your fault, um, actually it probably was. you don't live in a fucking vacuum, guess what, the stupid shit you do has an impact on people, maybe you should try being nicer. it is even stupider when they try telling you there was nothing you could have done. that is obviously a lie because when you try helping people that are alive nobody tells you hey, you might as well stop it because there is nothing you can do. i mean obviously i would never say this to someone, but i am also not going to say there is nothing they could have done because i am not one of those shitty people patronizes some poor pathetic person in mourning. i have been that poor pathetic person.

i am going to leave you with one last insight on suicide. if you are going to commit suicide, please leave a note. if you don't know what to write just write 'i'm sorry.' or you could even write 'fuck you' because if you do not leave a note 'fuck you' is pretty much what everyone is going to get out of it anyway. if i ever kill myself i am going to do it in front of the biggest white wall i can find. i am going to take a red lipstick and make a list on the wall, 'your fault/not your fault.' i am going to name names.