self titled

thank the gods for facebook

2009-04-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

my junior year in high school i used to eat a green pepper for lunch every day and these sophmore guys that sat at a table by ours used to stare at me the whole time like they never saw anybody eat a green pepper before. then i would go outside and smoke and they would come outside and stand around awkwardly not smoking because they all played basketball and one of them asked me to homecoming one year and i said NO. i used to call them the starers. anyway this girl that grew up down the street from me just contacted me on facebook to tell me she is now dating one of them. i used to walk home from school with this girl and my sophmore year i dated this guy for like two months just because she liked him and she convinced me to do it so we could all hang out together because she was fat and it wasn't like he was ever going to date her. he is in prison now. anyway i wrote her back and asked said HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH WHICH STARER ARE YOU DATING I HOPE IT IS NOT LUKE LEMONS, which is the one that asked me to homecoming, and then i said she should have written me on the 21st because that is the birthday of the guy i let finger me behind a dumpster just so she could live vicariously through me, and if she wrote me on the 21st we could have sent him a card in prison. she wrote me back and told me luke lemons is dead and we can always send dumpster fingerbang a card next year because he is going to be in prison for like 10 more years. LUKE LEMONS IS DEAD? but i thought glorious tow headed rosy cheeked high school athletes never died. MAYBE HE IS STARING AT ME FROM HEAVEN. maybe he is watching me take showers! also, why is it that every year i can still remember dumpster fingerbang's birthday? i can't even remember dave's birthday and he is my best friend. i know it is in september and that is it. dumpster fingerbang's real name is sean, and he is half black and half puertorican and he used to force me to listen to pj harvey. when a black lady and a peurtorican man have a baby what on earth would possess them to name him sean. this is the question i have been asking myself for the past 15 years.

you're right, i'm so stupid, i should have sent the fillings to cash for gold.

2009-03-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

seriously how did i not think of that myself. that commercial is only on ten thousand times a day. and i guess people must be super poor now because it is not just on during the day. when you see a cash for gold commercial during prime time viewing hours you are pretty much living during the great depression.

i really hate that commercial. the people on it are so amazed that gold is worth money. YOU MEAN GOLD IS WORTH MONEY??? do they really say that in that commercial, or am i just remembering this wrong because that's what i say every time i see it. i feel like they might really say that because that is how stupid the writers of this commercial think that people are. a four year old knows that gold is worth money.

sign me up to put a bunch of gold in an envelope and stick it in the mail. my mailman steals my mail all the time. mandy sent me a postcard with a man who went blind from art on it and he even stole that. i would have thought the only person who would want that postcard was me, i guess i am not as unique and wonderful as i thought i was. after i am done writing this i am going to write a short film about my mailman having a serious mental dilemma about whether or not he should steal the giant envelope made out to cash for gold.

the number 13

2009-03-02T17:39:00.000-08:00

today i got a letter from a guy named jason voorhees. woah! i said. I JUST GOT A LETTER FROM JASON VOORHEES! nobody in my office knew what i was talking about. what is wrong with these people? i had to call the one attorney that wears fingerless gloves to court and put him on speaker so that i could tell him i got a letter from jason because i felt alienated from society due to the people in my office being such idiots. seriously, in a room full of four people more than one of them should know who jason is. didn't a a new friday the 13th movie come out like 20 days ago, are these people not living in the same america that i am living in?

i don't even know what is supposed to be so scary about the number 13. i was born on the 13th so of course it is my favorite number because i am obsessed with myself. i also work on the 13th floor. which is weird now that i think of it, i am not sure if buildings are even supposed to have a 13th floor. is this a dream? AM I EVEN REAL? i guess i am not dreaming because i would definitely be able to tell. in my last dream that i remember i lived in a castle in the middle of the sea and i had a rooster following me around speaking portuguese and in the one before that i was chace crawford. nobody ever works in my dreams, next time i have one i am going to ask somebody where the money comes from, maybe i can get some ideas. actually i don't even know if i have ever seen money in a dream. it is like my dreams are utopia. except for the forty percent of them in which there are dead animal carcasses everywhere and i keep trying to go around them but i can't because they are falling from the sky and growing from the ground. i should ask my psychiatrist what that means.

yes i go to a psychiatrist, mostly because my mom is one of those people who think that everyone in the world needs to go to a psychiatrist. also because i think it is romantic to go there. i will even dress up for it. i don't mean dress up like dress nice, i mean dress up like a character. stilfled fifties woman of means! a pauvre daisy buchannon! alice in wonderland if she was 20! my psychiatrist think i am absolutely delightful. last time i was there i told him that i wanted to believe in heaven and he laughed and told me i was just not stupid enough for that and i was like no shit, right?

rape town

2009-02-22T18:00:00.000-08:00

there is a raper on the lose in my neighborhood, great. i will tell you a story. when i was seven years old my mom took me on a tour at the lion house at lincoln park zoo. one of the lady lions started going crazy and the tour guide explained to everyone that the lion had set her sights on me and was performing stalking behaviors. this is how i learned that something about the way i look makes me stand out among a crowd of people as the best one to kill. so i know that if they do not catch this guy he is eventually going to try raping me being that he is hanging around the train i take every day and what not THIS IS SO GREAT, so i decided i was not going to walk anywhere anymore, but then i remembered that i love walking everywhere, so that was a conundrum, don't worry, i solved it, i am now carrying a giant knife around in my purse. that is what the rapist is carrying, so now we are even, there, problem solved. i know that i am prepared because i made luke simulate an attack on me for practice. COME HELP ME PRACTICE HOW I AM GOING TO GUT THE RAPIST. it was luke's idea in the first place that i start carrying knives. being married is truly wonderful.

thank you for making me read this horrible book mom, you must hate me.

2009-02-17T17:21:00.001-08:00

i am reading this book called pearl right now, i do not want to read it but my mom gave it to me. my mom gives me lots of books i don't read, but this time she was really excited about it. 'avis wanted to borrow it but i told her NO, i have to give this to erin' she said. it's kind of weird that she still thinks like this because she is constantly trying to give me books she's finished and every time i am like NO, i would not read this EVER. i don't feel bad telling my mom that all the books she likes are shit because when i was like seven i was really into stephen king and she spent the entire year rolling her eyes and telling me i should be reading classic literature and not garbage. anyway now i have to read this book called pearl. when she gave it to me i asked her why it didn't have a seal on it. wait, this book didn't win ANY awards? then i turned it over and saw that it had a review from the christian science monitor. THE CHRISTIAN SCIENCE MONITOR? IS THAT SOME KIND OF A JOKE? anyway i am reading this book now and it is driving me insane. it is pretty much in third person omniscient or whatever, except sometimes the narrator talks to you and says shit like 'what do you think? i think blah blah blah.' it makes me feel like my kindergarten teacher is reading out loud to me. is there such a thing as first person omnisceint? i'm not sure, this book might defy categorization. anyway the most annoying part today was that this girl is in the hospital and she is talking/thinking whatever about her catheter and saying she has a tube stuck in her vagina. um, i thought the catheter goes in your urethra. i guess the urethra is kind of in your vagina? still. aslo the narrator uses the same phrases that the characters use. if you are not a good enough writer to give the characters different voices you should probably write in first person. anyway, the catheter in the vag part whas where i decided this book was one hundred percent annoying. it's about this stupid girl who wants to hunger strike herself to death in ireland for no reason. i hope she dies. i hope she dies so much i had to write it on my envelope/book mark. I HOPE SHE DIES. here, i'll transcribe the whole envelope for you.

I HOPE SHE DIES.

NO, I HOPE THEY ALL DIE.

I HOPE THE STUPID NARRATOR DIES AND THE REST OF THE BOOK CAN BE IN THIRD PERSON.

HOW DOES THE NARRATOR KNOW SO MUCH? IS THE NARRATOR GOD? BARF.

this is the kind of thing i do on the train, write down conversations with myself on envelopes.

2009-02-04T17:15:00.000-08:00

my family started cleaning out my uncle's house the other day. because he killed himself like ten months ago, and that is how my family does things, waits around for three hundred and forty days wondering if maybe it will do itself by magic. and this house was not just my uncle's house, this house was also my grandmother's house, so basically a house inhabited by two generations of people who never threw anything away ever. this is where i differ from everybody else in my family, because i will throw anything away. shit, i've probably thrown away money before. the other way i differ from everyone in my family is that i am somewhat capable of planning. which means if i do not go to the house nothing is going to get done because all my dad is going to do is wander around all the rooms looking at shit for two hours and then go home. when we went there the other day i was like IN THE KITCHEN NOW WE ARE GOING TO DO THE KITCHEN and then i attempted to throw away everything in the kitchen. except apparently my dad is into the earth because he set up a recycling box and took everything i threw in the garbage and tried to recycle it. you guys, my dad tried to recycle a waffle iron. this is how it went:
"dad, you can not recycle A WAFFLE IRON"
"sure you can, it's metal. scrap metal!"
"THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DO SCRAP METAL, YOU THROW SCRAP METAL IN THE STREET AND THEN SANFORD AND SON COME PICK IT UP IN THEIR TRUCK, THAT IS HOW YOU DO SCRAP METAL."

my dad also thinks you can recycle CLOTH. i tried to call my mom on the phone to tell on my dad for being stupid. "I'M CALLING MOM" i said. it took me twenty minutes to call her on the rotary dial phone. my mom's phone number is like all eights. if you tried to call 9-1-1 on a rotary dial phone you would probably be raped twice before you got the dispatcher. my mom wasn't even home but during the time i was trying to call her my dad found a jar of sand in the pantry and would not let me throw it away. "but it says miami on the bottom of it!" this is why i told everyone to throw everything away and not look at shit. when you start looking at shit is when you end up with a stupid jar of sand from miami because you think it is so precious that your grandmother brought home a giant jar of sand and labelled it. what the fuck was my grandma even doing in miami??? my dad also saved two giant mason jars of matchbooks. i love how doing things with my family makes me act like i am fucking sixteen years old, and a bitch. my dad asked me if i wanted the pots and pans and i'm like "FOR WHAT," in the snottiest voice ever, "remember how i got married and people gave me pots and pans from france that cost $300 each, NO I DO NOT WANT THESE STUPID POTS AND PANS." if anybody else asked me if i wanted some pots and pans i would probably be like "oh no, i have so many new pots and pans, but thanks for thinking of me!" but my dad asks me this and i act like he asked me if i wanted chlamydia. my dad also tried to save everything for the estate sale. i don't even know what an estate sale is, but i do know that the estate sale lady is not going to want to sell a turkey baster from 1922. "if anybody wanted a turkey baster they would go to target and buy it for one dollar." this is what i told my dad but he thinks there is some kind of market for antique turkey basters i guess. that's what he said. "it's an antique!" i can't wait to see my dad on antiques road show with a turkey baster and a jar of vintage sand.

basically i threw everything away and my dad took everything out of the garbage and i waited until he wasn't looking and threw it all back in there. too bad someone wasn't there filming us because if you watched it high speed it would probaly look like fucking benny hill. something we all agreed we could throw away was a box of GOLD FILLINGS. i opened this box and dropped it on the floor. "WHAT IS THIS???" it was what i thought it was, hundreds of gold fillings. was my grandma a nazi? when my dad agreed to let me throw it away i was stunned into not pressing that issue, which is probably why he did it, he probably dug it out of the garbage when i wasn't looking. i am going to have to tell my mom to be on the lookout for nazi contraband around their house.

i guess i am going to move into this house eventually because it is mine now, my mom is all worried it is going to haunt me. something else stupid that my mom thinks is that my uncle was maybe murdered. i think my whole family thinks this for some reason, they even hired a private investigator. maybe my uncle's ghost will haunt me into solving the crime, then i can star on forensic files.

xoxo

2009-01-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

so i woke up this morning and i asked myself DID I DREAM I HAD A THREESOME WITH THESE GUYS FROM GOSSIP GIRL?

because it seemed like i dreamed that, but also like i definitely did not dream that. OH SHIT, I KNOW I DID NOT DREAM I WAS ONE OF THEM, FUCKING THE OTHER ONE OF THEM. oh yes i did. FAGGOTRY! in case you wondered i was the cuter and more boring one in my dream. this is one of those times i thank the fucking gods that i am a girl. if i was a dude i would probably be on the sex offender registry by now. or at least i would be seriously reevaluating my life.

well hello there.

i wonder if it is a problem that i am a seventeen year old sexually confused male in my dreams. actually i wasn't that confused, i think the chuck was kind of confused, but i helped him figure shit out. oh my god i am a latent pederast.

reading

2009-01-27T17:46:00.000-08:00

today i was talking to dave at work and i got a text from mandy that john updike died. my first thought was, who cares, because caring when somebody you don't know dies is stupid. i learned that at a young age when kurt cobain died and every loser i went to school with wore black. STOP CRYING ABOUT KURT COBAIN, YOU ARE 12 YEARS OLD. but then i thought more about john updike and i realized that he is one of the only writers i like that is still writing books, like all the time, which even if not every one of them is as good as rabbit run they are still all probably better than whatever else people are writing these days. so i guess that fucking sucks. all of the other writers i like are either dead or they only write a book like every ten years. which really pisses me off because seriously once you're written three or four books how hard can it really be? STOP SLACKING.

i feel like for some reason the only writers that put shit out regularly are writers that fucking suck. like chuck palahniuk, it seems like every time i go to borders that fucker has a new book, and i usually buy it, and they usually suck. fool me twice shame on me i guess. the last book i read by him was rant, and let me tell you it fucking sucked. i thought it was about a serial killer, but it turned out it was about time travel and magic, basically harry potter, if harry potter talked about pussy more. GAY. it was also written from the points of view of like 70 different people, except i guess nobody told chuck palahniuk that he is a shit writer and doesn't know how to use more than one narrative voice. something else that nobody ever told him is that most of the people who read his books are not smart enough to figure out how to pronounce his name, fuck even i have no idea how you pronounce that shit and i am basically a god damn genius. TIME TO GET A PEN NAME.

i am reading a book of common prayer by joan didion right now, which is awesome, even though i usually try to avoid reading books with the word prayer in the title. too bad joan didion has only written FIVE BOOKS and she is probably going to die any day now, i mean seriously, look at her

anyway, john updike. i remember the first time i read the a&p, i guess this story is pretty much about nothing which is the best kind because then you can think about it however you like. what i thought about it was that life starts disappointing you when you are 14 and it never stops until you become a shell of a person. except it doesn't stop then either, you just don't notice anymore. which i guess is depressing except the other nice thing about stories about nothing is that everybody experiences nothing little boring situations every day, and if you think about them like a story they can all be beautiful. so thanks for that, mr. updike.

dave's scarf

2009-01-25T18:37:00.000-08:00

dave stupidly left his scarf with me at the empty bottle this weekend. he carries this scarf around like a talisman all winter so i pretended like i lost it and proceeded to take a picture of everyone at the bar wearing it.

hey can i take a picture of you wearing this scarf under a sign that says booty clown?

i think i am going to start carrying props around with me to photograph strangers with all the time because people seriously loved it, and i aim to please. this guy is not actually a stranger though, and he is in a perpetual state of bliss anyway.

this girl is a stranger, and she looks pretty excited.

i am going to print all these pictures out and fax one to dave at work every fifteen minutes. i should probably write messages on all of them. I HAZ YOUR SKARFF.

orange is probably not this guy's color.

this is jenn, she is the drummer for tyler john tyler. say hi to jenn and her blue glasses. HI JENN. tyler john tyler is a real person. yes, there is an actual person named that, ya heard? the real tyler john tyler says i smell like freedom. we couldn't find the real tjt at this time which sucked because he probably would have done something amazing with this scarf. like made love to it.

this is becca, also in tyler john tyler. i think the real tjt left after they played because he probably didn't want to know what was going to happen next. last time they played what happened next was the most horrible band i've ever seen. it had like eight people in it. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THE WU TANG CLAN? they all stood in a line and did annoying things into their respective microphones. such as playing the saxophone, or screaming.

i think the whole reason i was wearing dave's scarf in the first place was because i decided to wear a tank top to the bar even though it was negative four degrees. being a grown up is fucking awesome because if you don't want to dress in a weather appropriate manner nobody is going to make you.

this guy kind of looks like dave, same hair, same cardigan. plus he was already wearing an orange scarf. maybe they're brothers, i don't think anybody really knows for sure what dave's dad was up to in the seventies.

this guy doesn't look that excited about me taking his picture, but he does look like he might be about to blow up a building.

this busted ass version of ryan gosling absolutely did not want to wear this scarf. OH, YOU WANT TO, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO. i should write him a missed connections. I SAW YOU at the empty bottle. i made you wear my friend's scarf.

this guy on the other hand was super excited to wear it. look at him, he's glowing.

a lot of these people have weird facial hair.

nice bangs dude. this guy looks like he gets his eyebrows professionaly groomed but cuts his hair at home. i cut my hair at home too but i actually look in the mirror while i'm doing it. just kidding, this guy was nice. i mean, i don't remember if he was nice, but he looks like he probably was.

jay z has these same reading glasses.

this guy probably knew i was going to talk shit about all of these people on my blog so he hid his face. is he giving me a thumbs up?? seriously though, i love all of these people, except for the busted ryan gosling, who i hate. i'm sure he hates me more because i harassed him for ten minutes until he finally put the fucking scarf on. seriously dude, why are you trying to rain on my parade?

this guy must watch america's next top model because he knows not to let his beauty overtake the scarf as the focal point of the photograph.

i don't really have anything to say about the rest of these.

this guy looks pretty natural in a bears scarf. is he wearing mascara?

here's kristina, making the bears scarf look elegant.

if it wasn't so cold i would keeps dave's scarf for a whole week. i would send him a postcard from his scarf. WISH YOU WERE HERE.

ohio

2009-01-21T19:08:00.000-08:00

i went to delphos ohio this weekend. if you want to know what is in delphos ohio, the answer is NOTHING. i wanted to go there because my uncle's dead body is there. isn't that so gross? dead bodies being buried places? next time you go to a cemetery make sure you think about how all the people are under there with all their little clothes and shoes. do they even put shoes on dead bodies? i have no idea. but make sure you think about all their clothes, and how the people buried in 2008 are wearing 2008 clothes but they are buried next to people in, like, 1916 clothes. that is what i think about. i don't even know what people used to wear in 1916. probably tiny clothes, weren't people a lot smaller then? anyway apparently my dad and brother made plans to go to delphos and they didn't invite me because they are assholes, but then of course my brother flaked out on that plan, but HA HA me and mandy had our own plan to go there, LOOK WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON GOING TO DELPHOS NOW, THE ONE WHO WASN'T INVITED. i told my dad he could meet us there because i am a wonderful and munificent person. my dad wanted to stop at his friend's house along the way because nobody had been able to get ahold of this friend and my dad thought maybe he had shot himself in the head or something so he wanted to go there, i guess because my dad likes discovering suicide victims once per year. anyway me and mandy ended up driving with my dad, pretty much because i thought i could write a great short story about that, driving to delphos and finding a suicide along the way. like maybe my dad would have to clean the blood off of everything with paper towels and i could write about all the balled up paper towels, tinged with pink and gently unfurling, like peonies. i guess i am going to have to save that line for a different story because his friend was fine. i guess. except when my dad said he was glad he was fine he said something like 'i'm not really.'

my dad is hilarious. when we got to the microtel inn in delphos he asked the 16 year old behind the counter if there was 'a nice place where we can get a steak and a martini.' she said no so we went to this place called the rusty buggy. they did make us martinis there but i don't think the lady ever made one before because we asked for them straight up and they came to the table in tiny goblets full of ice. then the waitress showed us pictures of her kids austin and nadine, and told us that when they when they go off to college she would like to study graphic design in paris. then we went to a bar and my dad told us his philosophy on obscenity, which is that nobody is offended by the word fuck anymore so people are going to have to come up with new swearing, and his example was, i'm not even kidding, THROW A JEW IN THE OVEN. my mom is a jew.

the next day we went to the awesomest antique store ever and mandy found a sign that said slag on it. for some reason it cost $62, i probably should have bought it anyway.

i bought a dress for two dollars, i can't tell if it's a prom dress or 1950s loungerie but it was only TWO DOLLARS. then my dad bought me a christmas ornament that said 1979 on it because that is how old i am, one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine years old.

also i forgot about how we got lost in chesterton indiana and some guy got all pissed at us because we stopped in the middle of the highway, and then when we went to the gas station to get directions the angry guy was there BUYING ROOT BEER AND MILK and he gave us FAKE DIRECTIONS. then he came back out and gave us real directions because he 'wasn't pissed at us no more.' i should have told him to go throw another jew in the oven but i don't even know if that would offend anybody in indiana.

it's a fucking valuable thing

2009-01-07T17:13:00.000-08:00

i am reading the red eye right now, the stupidest newspaper ever. the only reason this stupid paper is even in my house is because it's free and i like to do the crossword because it is so easy it makes me feel like a goddamn genius. this paper was created for young people who are too stupid to read a real newspaper, it is like thirty pages and has articles about things like what to do if you are dating a twentysomething divorcee or where you can buy perfume for your dog. anyway today there is an article in there about kuma's, the best restaurant ever, and the new FUCKING BLAGOJEVICH BURGER which is a giant hamburger with bologna all over it ON A BUN MADE OUT OF GRILLED CHEESE SANDWHICHES. of course mandy told me about this burger yesterday which is the whole problem with newspapers, every time i read one i am like I ALREADY SAW THIS YESTERDAY, ON THE INTERNET. mandy said it was called the fucking valuable burger, which is actually a way better name than the fucking blagojevich burger. i guess when i go to kuma's this week that is what i am going to ask for. the fucking valuable burger. usually when i go there i get the goblin cock which is a giant hamburger with a giant hotdog on top of it, but does the goblin cock come on a bun made out of grilled cheese sandwhiches, NO. i have to order the most disgusting thing on the menu every time i go there, because one of the great loves of my life is eating six pounds of calamari and a hamburger with a hotdog on top of it and getting fanfare for it.

MANDY ARE YOU WATCHING GOSSIP GIRL RIGHT NOW?

2009-01-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

i am watching gossip girl in the name of research. so far i am learning a lot about dressing like a whore. i can watch all the shitty tv shows i want and nobody can make fun of me because i am writing a tv show. actually mandy is writing a tv show, i am getting drunk and yelling out ideas. hopefully one day we will actually film our shitty tv show and the four people readings this can watch it on here. hopefully i can get that idiot i married to play me, here is his impersonation.

this is the part where if mandy had one on her flickr i would show you a picture of the most annoying asian chick ever. i guess it is probably racist of me to characterize her as asian for no reason but i don't care because she spent twenty minutes that night talking about how she worked at a jew camp and hates jews. wait, what is a jew camp? DO YOU MEAN A CONCENTRATION CAMP? do you know how hard it was for me to not say that out loud? pretty fucking hard.

anyway, i have not been up to shit besides becoming one of the legion of fucking douche ass losers who sits in a bar and writes things down in a notebook, i guess 2009 is the year i start to annoy even my own self.

here is a picture of me ringing in the new year with sabrina and colin. i am obviously talking about something fascinating because colin is playing with his iphone. you can't tell but i was wearing a giant hair clip with feathers and sequins on it. those are my goals for 2009. write a shitty tv show and channel daisy buchannon.

after all i've done for you!

2008-12-10T16:57:00.000-08:00

today my brother called me to ask me what i want for my birthday, christmas, and all those other holidays we both hate. i know what i want for all those stupid holidays, i want my brother to not get back together with his crazy ex girlfriend. because on thanksgiving his stupid ex girlfriend that he dumped called him to tell him she missed him so much she ate fourteen pills and tried to kill herself and she wanted him to go over there and talk to her AND HE DID. god, what a fucking idiot. first of all fourteen pills isn't going to kill anybody, i wish she would have called me, i would have told her to take the whole bottle. i told him not to go over there but did he listen to me, no. i was right though, wasn't i? i mean, when somebody fakes their own suicide to get you to go over to their house and then you do it that means they win, and if someone else is winning, then what are you doing, losing. losing is unacceptable in life and you should never do it. anyway, if she is somehow telling the truth, which she isn't, she is seriously mental and nobody should ever talk to her again, so either way, my brother is a total fucking idiot for going over there. anyway i guess he might get back together with her now. which i thought was the stupidest thing i'd ever heard, but now that i'm thinking about it, it might actually be the smartest because from now until the end of time he can constantly throw it in her face that she faked being suicidal. HEY, REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME, WHEN YOU PRETENDED YOU WERE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF TO MANIPULATE ME INTO GETTING BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU? i would also bring it up every time the other person tried to get me to do something i didn't want to do. I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE LAUNDERMAT WITH YOU. WAIT, ARE YOU GOING TO KILL YOURSELF IF I DON'T? i would do it all the time until the relationship was so unbearable they would break up with me and never contact me again. except then later when i ran into them i corner them and tell them i don't believe i saved their life and then they left me. YOU WERE JUST USING ME, AND I LOVED YOU AS MUCH AS I KNEW HOW! i would say.

i will blame it on my blood transfusion.

2008-11-18T16:35:00.001-08:00

sorry i haven't blogged for seven years, i was in rehab. don't worry, i didn't learn anything. anyway, i just got off the train and i had a voicemail from this blood bank i donated to, they didn't say why they were calling but obviously it is BECAUSE I HAVE AIDS, there is really no other reason for them to be leaving me cryptic messages unless I HAVE AIDS AND OR HEPATITIS. anyway i had to walk all the way home before i called them back because the lady said the phone number all fast, JESUS CHRIST LADY,SLOW YOUR ROLL, MY MIND IS RAVAGED BY AIDS. while i was walking home i wondered if i could convince my boyfriend he gave it to me. probably not since it is no great secret i spent two years of my life routinely fucking everybody. and i know you can't tell a person has aids by looking at them, but if it is possible for a person to look hiv positive i have probably banged him. i'm serious. one time my friend jenny met this guy i used to bang and the first thing she said was that he looked like he had hiv. HAHA. HE PROBABLY DOES! I GUESS NOW I HAVE IT TOO! i said. anyway, after i decided there was no way my boyfriend was going to believe this was not my fault i wondered if he was going to drag me into the car, take me to an abandoned lot, slam my head in the car door and then shoot me, because that is what i would probably do. then i wondered if i would be one of those people who is all cool and tells everyone i have aids, so what of it, don't be ignorant, or if i would just never tell anyone, even my parents. then i tried to decide who i was going to call if i had aids, probably mandy or sabrina. WHY DID I EVER DONATE BLOOD IN THE FIRST PLACE, I COULD HAVE LIVED MY WHOLE LIFE NOT KNOWING I HAD AIDS! this is what you get for trying to be a good person. aids knowledge. this is not fair, even my friend stacy the whore doesn't have aids, what the fuck. thank god for the internet, i am going to use the internet to find someone just like me with aids and they are going to tell me what to do, and also i can start a new blog called MARY HAD AIDS and i can write about my aids journey. it will be my legacy. seriously that is what a colossal loser i am, AT LEAST I CAN WRITE ABOUT IT ON THE INTERNET. anyway, then i called the blood bank, some lady answers who can barely even speak english, like are they going to pass the phone off to a trained professional or am i going to have to find out i HAVE aids from someone that can't even PRONOUNCE aids? guess what, ALL THEY WANTED WAS MORE OF MY BLOOD. i guess i don't have aids or they probably wouldn't want it, THANKS FOR THE MOST TERRIFYING TEN MINUTES OF MY LIFE CHICAGO BLOOD BANK.

fuck fashion

2008-09-06T10:28:00.001-07:00

i just read an article about fast fashion. fast fashion is like fast food. cheap shit you don't need. fast fashion is when you buy a dress at H&M that falls apart in the washing machine and then you throw it away which is NOT GREEN, NOT GREEN AT ALL. BAD FOR THE EARTH AND BAD FOR SOCIETY. fast fashion is different than slow fashion. this is slow fashion:

i guess the logic is that nobody would ever throw these shoes away because they cost $795. this is something i learned while reading an article about why i should boycott fast fashion written by the style expert of some stupid british newspaper. the first sentence in her asinine article asks me if i've ever been to bangladesh. uh, actually i haven't, probably because i am not some kind of wealthy international jet setter, which is coincidentally the exact same reason i haven't replaced all my clothes with timeless well made pieces that i can 'wear and wear, and then pass on to my ungrateful children.' aka stuff like this:

god, how am i ever going to embody timeless glamour without an heirloom couture wetsuit. thanks a lot mom.

i don't know if that lady is wearing a swimming cap or what. god, she looks like a fucking asshole. i guess fashion writers don't believe their readers are intelligent enough to figure out that the acutal problem might lie within the fact that said fashion writers have somehow brainwashed millions of women into thinking their lives would be better if they looked more like fucking assholes.

vegan bakeries are a bunch of bullshit.

2008-08-20T16:10:00.001-07:00

i went to the bleeding heart bakery like two weeks ago, i actually was excited about it, STUPID ME. see, this is why it is a waste of time to get excited about things. anyway i was excited because i heard this place was good. too bad after i ate there, and SPIT MY CUPCAKE OUT INTO THE PRETENIOUS BOX IT CAME IN i realized what my dad was talking about all those times when he said 'consider the source.' see, when a vegan tells you something tastes good, what they actually mean is that it tastes good COMPARED TO WHEY. like when i used to be a vegetarian and i told people fake bacon tasted just like real bacon. sorry everyone i told that to, it turns out what i meant to say was that fake bacon tastes just like real bacon IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN REAL BACON IN FIVE YEARS AND DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. also, i guess the bleeding heart bakery's heart does not bleed for the environment because if it did my cupcake probably would not have come inside two bags and a box.

i actually ate another vegan cupcake in new york, god knows why, i guess i was trying to give peace a (second) chance. god, second chances are a bunch of bullshit. in case you did not know, the whole reason that a cupcake is good in the first place is because it is MADE OUT OF BUTTER. i don't know what they substitue for butter at these places. melted carrots? cardboard? and the bleeding heart bakery isn't even a vegan bakery, i am just hoping that i accidentally ordered a vegan cupcake because otherwise i have no idea why that thing tasted like an organic tampon.

aka ghostface killah

2008-08-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

so you know how i cut myself on tuesday or whatever day that was, anyway the next day i am at work and i realize i can't feel my thumb and am probably an idiot with nerve damage so i went to the doctor because even though i am one of those jackasses who refuses to go to the doctor ever i would rather do that than be at my job. i spent the entire walk to the doctor smacking my thumb against things and being amazed by how i couldn't feel it at all. 'i have a ghost thumb,' i told myself. anyway here is the conversation i had with the doctor. after reading this you are not going to believe i scored an 800 on the logic section of the GRE.

me: i can't feel my thumb. i don't know if that is because i severed all the nerves in it or if it's because i wrapped this band aid around it too tight.

doctor: why did you wrap it so tight?

me: because it was bleeding all over everything and then my dogs were licking all the blood off everything. i can't have blood all over my apartment!

doctor: why didn't you come in for sutures?

me: because i put a band aid on it, duh.

the doctor probably realizes i am a genius at this point. anyway i had to have four stitches in it so i guess now when i commit crimes my thumbprint is going to look really fucking tough. SCARFACE GHOST THUMB. i also have nerve damage but apparently thumb nerves grow back at a rate of one millimeter per month so i guess i will have feeling in my thumb again IN ONE OR TWO MONTHS. don't worry, it's my left thumb, i can't even remember the last time i used it.

fuuuuuck

2008-08-12T16:31:00.000-07:00

i am sick as shit right now except i have to go to work anyway because i am already calling in thursday and friday so i can fuck off in new york. being sick is kind of awesome though because then you can be like your own personal biological weapon. don't make me touch everything on your desk. being sick is also awesome when you married your boyfriend who will never take care of you. then when he comes home and you have a fever of 102 and are about to pass out from cleaning the whole apartment he can tell you you did a shitty job. i deserve this because if i ever married someone stupid enough to take care of me i would probably accuse them of patronizing me and divorce them.

i just took a break from writing this to eat some havarti and i almost cut my own hand off. i can't even believe how much blood is coming out of my fucking hand, enough to stage my own death probably. i guess now is when i finish writing this so i can smear it all over my arms and lay down in the bathtub before dave gets home from the liquor store.

i met a dude who looks just like pete dougherty

2008-08-10T09:37:00.000-07:00

i managed to keep that shit to myself for like two hours until it became too much and i screamed BABYSHAMBLES in his face like i had tourettes. i had to travel all the way to elgin for a chance to do this. elgin is a place where everyone hates me but i keep going back there because my love for mandy is that strong. then we had fourthmeal and babyshambles and the rest of his band slept in mandy's basement. we had to sneak them out in the morning like they were soujourner truth. i must have been drunk as hell because i thought there were only two of them but there were three. i probably didn't realize the third one was with the other two because he was conventionally attractive and the other two looked like they climbed out of a sewer.

i know i do not have fleas.

2008-07-31T16:19:00.000-07:00

my boyfriend thinks i have fleas at my apartment so he is going to come over here and do flea killing shit and he actually thinks i am going to help him. YEAH RIGHT. why do people go insane about fleas, i know my dogs do not have fleas. it's like people see a speck of dirt and they think they are dealing with a fucking plague from christ or something. i think i would know if there were fleas here being that I HAVE HAD FLEAS BEFORE, NOT MY DOGS, ME. i don't know why i'm not embarrassed to shout that from the mountaintops. they were personal fleas and didn't bite anyone except me. i even went over to my boyfriend at the time's house and rolled all over all the furniture to infest it with fleas and it didn't even work. if you wonder why i wanted my boyfriend to have fleas it's so that i could pretend he gave them to me and break up with him. i ended up having to break up with him the old fashioned way. on myspace. i can't wait to tell my boyfriend that spraying for fleas is not very green of him. i am going to do that as soon as he walks in here and then i am going to tell him that i am going to my room to google 'natural predator of fleas' and find out what it is so we can release one in the house. then i am not going to come out of my room until he is done with his flea shit. while i am in my room i am going to turn the lights on and off until the earth dies.

other things i said i would never do

2008-07-29T18:08:00.001-07:00

i bought a pair of skinny jeans this weekend. is that what they call those horrible jeans that are so skinny at the ankle that you can hardly get it over your foot? yeah i got a pair of those. we now know that i am susceptible to peer pressure because i tried the things on and was like HEY MANDY LOOK AT HOW HORRIBLE THESE ARE and she told me if i wear them with this little dress thing i have from american apparel in every color people will think i am awesome so i bought them. then i went home and was like DOES EVERYONE LIKE THESE JEANS, I AM GOING TO WEAR THEM IN NEW YORK. which is how roommate and old friend and my boyfriend that i am married to found out i was going to new york because apparently i forgot to tell them. yes, that is what a terrible person i am, good thing i got those pants or i probably never would have told them and they would have had to file a missing persons report. then they could have put out an amber alert and mandy would have gone to jail for abducting me and transporting me across state lines.

i have absolutely nothing interesting to report, i guess they're right, marriage is boring. maybe tomorrow i will write about the fourth of july and if you are lucky i will even post pictures of myself wearing a sombrero and brawling with a man in the alleys humboldt park.

stupid.stupid.stupid.stupid.punk.

2008-07-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

now that i am married i have all these checks so on thursday i decided i was going to go buy a laptop. as i was endorsing all these checks i realized that my last name wasn't on any of them, what the fuck people, you are writing checks to a person who doesn't exist. i am one of those people who gets an idea out of nowhere, like 'hm, should i buy a laptop? maybe i should' and then within twenty minutes if i don't have a laptop i am going to die. there's a dmv like two blocks from my bank so i walked over there and got a new drivers liscence with my boyfriend's name on it for the explicit purpose of cashing a bunch of checks and buying a laptop. sadly i am not even joking. i was pretty much planning on keeping my own name forever until it started impeding on my ability to be rash, impatient and stupid. it only took ten minutes because nobody goes to the dmv downtown except for me. seriously, i have never seen another person in there. i am like 'okay, now that i am a whole new person i am ready to cash these checks' except the stupid bitch at the bank would not let me cash them because they have my boyfriend's name on them also, which i guess is understandable so i ask her if he can endorse them or if he should actually show up at the bank with me, and she says NEITHER because we can not cash them unless we have a joint account.

this is when i started to get extremely pissed off because i am never going to open a joint account with my boyfriend EVER. what is even the point of that. so that i can spy on him and make sure he isn't buying hookers? uh, that flies directly in the face of my don't ask don't tell policy. the stupid teller was all incredulous about the fact that i didn't want to open a joint account at her stupid bank. oh god i was so pissed off. i told her if she made us open a joint account all i was going to do was put the stupid checks in there and then withdraw them five minutes later and close the account and she is like WELL THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THEN. i can't wait to go back to the bank and close my account. when they ask me why i am closing my account i am going to be like BECAUSE YOU GUYS DISCRIMINATE AGAINST INDEPENDANT PEOPLE. that is when they are going to suddenly let him endorse those checks to me but i am still going to close my account, and then i am going to have to open a whole new account at a whole different bank and i am never going to get my laptop but i don't even care because I HAVE PRINCIPALS.

sometimes i thank god i can't sing because nobody can blame me for anything

2008-07-27T09:50:00.001-07:00

remember when i said i would never get married? HA. too bad you didn't know me before the internet was invented or we could also laugh about the times i said i would never suck a dick or smoke crack. these are the lies we all tell ourselves. here is a picture of me channeling daisy buchannon.

too bad my camera is all fucked or i could also show you a picture of me sitting in a bucket the night before telling everyone i was r kelly. twenty minutes before this picture was taken i was eating eggs benedict while sabrina wrote a note to our waiter about fucking some lady's mother.

i finally found a good use for the holy bible. later that day sabrina threw it down on some idiot's head.

here's a picture of me and mandy in the photobooth. if you wonder what me and mandy are doing in the first picture, we are impersonating bret michaels. wait, why is my drink brown in that picture? oh yeah, because we ran out of vodka in THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES.

my brother performed the ceremony, it was five minutes long. i think i made a promise to be best friends with my boyfriend until the end of time. yeah right, everyone knows dave is my best friend until the end of time. the main thing that is gay about weddings is the music so i didn't pay for any. i mean, if we are going to listen to gay music i guess i will tell my gay friends to bring their gay records for free.

what, you didn't play small faces at your wedding? pfft. loser.

i am going to kill someone.

2008-07-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

1. it is so hot outside i am going to kill someone. i just rode my bike home from work and by the time i carried the fucking thing up all the stairs i was so furious i almost threw it over the side of the porch. that is how furious i was FOR NO REASON. it is that hot outside.

2. my mom is on my god damn nerves. she wrote me some stupid email today about how she loves me even though i forgot her and my dad's anniversary. uh, isn't an anniversary one of those fake holidays that nobody cares about except the people whose anniversary it is? even those people might not care. also i can not forget my parents stupid anniversary even if i try because it is five months before i was born NOT NINE, BUT FIVE. slutz.

3. my dog won't stop barking. the dog whose existance i usually deny because she dedicates her life to irritating the fuck out of me. the other dog is being perfect, like usual. barking dog is also sneezing. she sneezes when i pay attention to her, because it hardly ever happens so it is exciting. yeah, she sneezes when she is excited. one of her many ultra annoying traits. she is allergic to good times. she is so excited right now because i am yelling at her. scared and excited at the same time. idiot.

look! i'm still alive!

2008-07-10T16:28:00.000-07:00

a friend of mine died this week. yawn. this is getting fucking old to me. actually no it isn't. which is the weird thing about death. it is like the only true given in life but our dna doesn't even have anything in there to tell us it is normal. thanks a lot god. and animals don't have any death skills in their dna either, i know this because i have seen a squirrel sitting in the middle of the road all confused about its squashed friend. watching animals mourn road kill is like the saddest thing on earth.

i wasn't super close to this dead person either, so you don't have to console me. he was a friend's brother. i went over to his house and brought him lasagne yesterday. I HAVE NOTHING INSIGHTFUL TO SAY ABOUT THIS SO HERE, EAT THIS FOOD. people should make it a general rule to not say insightful things ever, because most peoples insight fucking sucks. dave loved it that i made my friend food because according to him it was old fashioned and lovely. i didn't bake it before i brought it over because i thought they would have like seven thousand casserole dishes full of shitty food people brought them so i thought they could put the raw lasagne in the fridge and heat it another day but i guess bringing food to the grieving really is old fashioned because they had nothing to eat in the whole house. and then my friend didn't know how to turn on the oven so thank god i did bring it, i have no idea how he has been feeding himself for the past however many years.

then i had to leave before it came out of the oven because i wasn't sure about the etiquette of eating grief lasagne. like is it rude if i have some, or is it rude if i don't have some, i have no idea. mmm, grief lasagne. the red peppers tell you to cry, the cream says it's okay and the vodka says it's not. i actually didn't leave before it came out of the oven, i left right after that, because i wanted to make sure he knew how to turn the oven off.

i had to try really hard to follow my own rule about not sharing my brilliant insights with others because they think it was a suicide. they don't know because there wasn't a note or anything and it was one of those things that i guess maybe could have been an accident. here is my insight on suicide: when someone commits suicide and everyone tells you it was not your fault, um, actually it probably was. you don't live in a fucking vacuum, guess what, the stupid shit you do has an impact on people, maybe you should try being nicer. it is even stupider when they try telling you there was nothing you could have done. that is obviously a lie because when you try helping people that are alive nobody tells you hey, you might as well stop it because there is nothing you can do. i mean obviously i would never say this to someone, but i am also not going to say there is nothing they could have done because i am not one of those shitty people patronizes some poor pathetic person in mourning. i have been that poor pathetic person.

i am going to leave you with one last insight on suicide. if you are going to commit suicide, please leave a note. if you don't know what to write just write 'i'm sorry.' or you could even write 'fuck you' because if you do not leave a note 'fuck you' is pretty much what everyone is going to get out of it anyway. if i ever kill myself i am going to do it in front of the biggest white wall i can find. i am going to take a red lipstick and make a list on the wall, 'your fault/not your fault.' i am going to name names.