Saturday, September 15, 2012

Yes you do. You do look like you're 30.

People tell me I look young all the time. People also tell me they like this fucking asinine haircut in which I impersonate Michelle Pfeiffer in Batman Returns. I never believe anything anybody tells me. When I was 15 and my first boyfriend told me he loved me I looked at him and said "what kid of idiot do you take me for." "I don't think you're an idiot!" he said, obviously failing to note the lack of question marks at the end of that sentence. Anyway, I know I look my age, because all my friends look just like me. They all think they look young too. Uh sorry I have to be the one to tell you that contrary to what youve heard, nobody thinks any of you motherfuckers are in college. Here's what I looked like when I was in college. Here's what I look like now. See how exasperated I look? That's because I've been beaten down by life. I'm also holding my hair on top of my head because I'm having a fucking hot flash. That is what a 32 year old looks like, my friends. I think when people say you don't look 30 what they mean is that you don't look like the mom in "Everybody Loves Raymond," which like I really doubt Patricia Heaton even looks like that when she's not getting paid to pretend she's married to fucking Ray Romano. As long as we're talking about TV I might as well blame it for people not knowing what a thirty year old looks like. Or movies. It's like after Angelina Jolie played Colin Farrell's mom all hope was lost for anybody to accurately identify anybody's age ever again.
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