Friday, August 17, 2012

you are my favorite.

I only have one kid, and she is my favorite kid, and I'm probably never having another one because the one I have now would probably still be my favorite. First of all I'll have had her the longest, and also she drinks kale smoothies and acts like a fucking grownup when I take her to nice restaurants. The only way I could ever like another baby better would be if it looked exactly like me and only cried in poignant, sparkling, single tear increments. Or I guess if the tears were actual diamonds. No, if I had a baby that cried diamonds I would probably sell it to finance a life of luxury for myself and my current, favorite baby. Oh, I should let you know when I say baby I mean toddler, that is the last time you'll ever hear me say the word toddler because I hate it. Anyway the times when I do think I should probably have another baby are when I think of my current, awesome baby dying. I think about this like once a week at least because I am a crazy person. That is when I think I should probably have another baby so then the second one could be a replacement if anything happens to the first. Maybe nothing will ever happen to the first one, either way it would be like a - um, what are those people called that get to perform in a play if the actual real actor gets sick which probably hardly ever happens? I don't even know what those people are called, that's how unimportant they are. Oh, an understudy. Now I can definitely never have another baby because it will probably somehow read this and find out its whole purpose in life was to serve as something I couldn't even remember the name of. So anyway this is what I'm thinking about today because I read a story about a lady who has a favorite child, except her favorite child changes every day. THEY'RE ALL HER FAVORITE! Ew. Gross. The lady that wrote this article has a book called confessions of a scary mommy. EW, AGAIN. What the fuck is so scary about liking all your kids equally. That's like the opposite of scary. Everyone says they like all their kids equally and they are probably all lying. Or stupid. I mean what kid of idiot cant tell which they like more out of two things? Besides Wembly on Fraggle Rock. People are always telling me I'm wrong and I would never have a favorite kid. How come people always want to tell me I'm wrong about this sort of shit, like I've never even met myself. They'll ask me "which is your favorite parent?" all fucking smug like they just won this idiotic argument. And I reply, "My mom." My mom is my favorite parent and I just told the whole Internet because I'm a dick. When people ask me when I'm having another kid and I say never they always worry that the perfect baby I already have will be lonely and bored. Or that when I die it's going to suck for her to deal with my estate all by herself. That's what my mom is worried about anyway, which is hilarious. She thinks I'm going to leave some sort of estate?HA. Sorry second children, your purpose in this life is to amuse your older siblings. I can't wait to call my brother now and let him know that he was put on this earth to help me plan our parents funeral.
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