Wednesday, August 15, 2012

i don't even know if i like music anymore

Did you guys know the radio still exists? The actual radio, not like Spotify or whatever. The radio still exists. I started listening to it when I realized I didn't know what One Direction was. It's a band, in case you are as dumb as I was two weeks ago. Three years ago I would have been like of course I don't know what One Direction is, and if I ever accidentally find out about it feel free to punch me in the face, but this year I've decided that not knowing what One Direction is makes me old and irrelevant and I might as well throw myself in the trash. Anyway. Now I know what One Direction is, thank god. I guess I can stay out of the trash bin and live another day to offer critiques of pop culture to my coworkers and people I meet on the bus.

One Direction sings that stupid song "What Makes You Beautiful." The first line is "You're insecure" and the last line is "That's what makes you beautiful." You can cut out all the rest of the lines, those two pretty much sum it up. Seriously. This is the part where I'd initially written a detailed analysis of why One Direction is an idiotic piece of shit, but it was boring as fuck so I deleted it. I think it was about how the only thing worse than a pretty girl who knows she's pretty is an ugly girl who thinks she's pretty. You know. Make it your life's work to be fucking pretty but make sure you keep hating yourself when you get there.

Gross, I don't believe I just talked about One Direction for two whole paragraphs. Look how many times I typed One Direction! I guess since I've already typed the words One Direction nine times like a fucking dick head I might as well talk about Katy Perry. Katy Perry has a song on the radio right now about the part of her that her ex will never take. Look at me, I'm glowing like a firework, you will never put me out again, you fucking dick! That's the gist of that fucking terrible song that is probably on the radio right now they play it so fucking much. That song makes me mad because it's probably about Russell Brand, and I know Russell Brand is not trying to put out Katy Perry's stupid firework or whatever. I know this because I want to have sex with him and I don't have sex with fucking assholes. How dare she talk about Russell Brand that way! This is a common theme on the radio though. Kelly Clarkson sings about the same thing. She has a song about being a fighter or something. Her ex never thought that she'd come back but she came back swinging, she even has a new boyfriend, take that, dude! You didn't utterly and completely destroy me forever. Jesus Christo, I want to do a group therapy session with all of these girls and let them know that just because their exes didn't want to be with them anymore doesn't mean they wanted them to lie down and die. I've broken up with a lot of people and I never wanted to extinguish the beautiful sparkly parts of their inner spirits or whatever. Taylor Swift can come to my therapy group too, I don't think I've ever heard a Taylor Swift song but I'm pretty sure she'd fit right in. I'm not listening to the radio for another eight months.

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