Monday, August 20, 2012

Your Gross Ass Armpits

Deodorant. Do you know how many kinds there are? three million and that's just at Target. Who knows how many they have worldwide. Jesus. I usually use cashmere scented, whatever the hell that even means. Anyway they didn't have it when I went to Target this weekend. They had plum, grapefruit lemongrass, pomegranate, vanilla, and a bunch of other shit that I don't want to put in my armpits. I WANT MY ARMPITS TO SMELL NORMAL. No. No I don't. If they had honeyed apricot I'd buy it. Especially if they spelled it abricot. You can go ahead and call me bougie, you wont be the first. Oh man they should make it so you can order online and make your own flavor. DEODORANT FOR THE RICH AND FANCY. Anyway I didn't like any of the stupid choices they had so I bought one that didn't even say what it was supposed to smell like. Yeah, instead of saying like "Hawaiian Storm" or whatever it said FIVE DAYS TO SLEEVELESS. All this time I've been going straight from sleeves to no sleeves, I didn't even know you were supposed to prep for it, thanks mom, yet another way in which you failed to teach me about being a lady. My mom didn't even take my dads last name when she married him so I probably shouldn't be surprised she didn't teach me how to braid hair or take care of my armpit situation. Anyway they have like five kinds of deodorant to get your gross armpits ready to see the light of day. I think there's one with lotion to make them soft and one with light reflecting particles to make them look like they're a better more light reflecting color I guess. If I had to write deodorant descriptions I would just write down a bunch of words like "pearls," "light reflecting particles," "Shea Butter," "petal," and "summer" and then I'd fling them in the air and put them in whatever order they fell. I'd also use the F word in there too just so people would know I wrote it and not a robot. Put my motherfucking stamp on it! "Get ready for your armpits to feel like a fucking petal, y'all. Dove's patented blend of Shea bitter and argon oils will moisturize the fuck out of your shit. Add our special blend of light reflecting particles and when you raise your hand it will be like John Travolta opening that fucking briefcase in Pulp Fiction. YOUR GROSS ASS ARMPITS WILL GLOW LIKE THE LIGHT OF A HUMAN SOUL." Seriously though, is this a real thing, people being so concerned about the state of their armpits that they need to make five separate products to address the issue? That's kind of insane I think. Hit me up if you know where to find cashmere scented deodorant.
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