Monday, May 21, 2012

Mom, What's a Period?

Fuck this NATO summit, I'm not supposed to bring a bag on the CTA so instead of eating the pan seared veal and butternut squash my husband made me I'm probably going to end up eating a sandwich from 7-11. I don't want to talk about NATO though, I want to talk about periods. I don't know why I started a blog about periods with my feelings on NATO and 7-11 sandwiches (fuck them). I guess if you don't like my disjointed writing style you can pay me to blog for you professionally and I'll force myself to be cohesive or whatever. (I'm sorry 7-11 sandwiches, I didn't mean it when I said fuck you, you are my everything.) OK! PERIODS! When I got mine I was so embarrassed I didn't tell anyone and made my own maxi pads out of giant wads of toilet paper. First I tried to use my moms tampons but this was back in the dark ages of periods (1991) when using a tampon was like shoving an empty toilet paper roll up your vagina. Seriously that was probably the single most traumatizing thing that has ever happened to my vagina, plus the diagram, HOLY SHIT. You know who's on our side in the war against women? Tampon scientists. So many awesome tampon advances. Using a tampon these days is a joy and a privilege. Anyway, I have no idea why I was so embarrassed to have a period that I wouldn't even tell my progressive feminist mom. How fucking retarded. Clearly I'm not embarrassed anymore as I'm shouting it from the proverbial rooftops that are the Internet. HELLO WORLD, I HAVE A PERIOD. When do girls become ashamed of their vaginas? It's not some kind of weird innate original sin thing or whatever because my daughter loves her vagina and wants to stick everything in there. I am going to start teaching her about periods now. Why do we wait until girls are 11 or whatever to give them this information. I respect my toddler and I'm going to teach her about periods at the same time I teach her about peeing and pooing. Numbers one, two, and three. Do they have a book for kids about how cool periods are? If not maybe I'll write one. "everybody poops and 51% of us bleed as well." One time I had a boyfriend who didn't even like the word period. Here's what you say to that sort of idiot: IF THERE WERE NO PERIODS THERE WOULD BE NO REPRODUCTION AND THUS NO FUCKING. YOU SHOULD THANK ALL THE GODS ON MOUNT OLYMPUS FOR PERIODS, HOMBRE. I can't wait to pass that gem on to the future generation. 
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