Monday, January 30, 2012


I hate when I cook for people and they alter my fucking food. Like this weekend I had carrots in my fridge that I was never going to eat because carrots, well, carrots are like one of those books like "the secret life of bees." I'm aware it exists and I hear people talking about it but am I ever going to read it? No, and I don't know why, I just know that I'm not. Carrots are like that except nobody talks about them because they're boring. Anyway I didn't want to throw these carrots out so I roasted them with some garlic and onion and then I stuck it all in a blender with some broth and cream and shit and made soup and it was delicious. I had to make some for my mom, pretty much just because I knew she would ask for the recipe and I could be like BITCH PLEASE, I DON'T USE RECIPES, and everyone's heads would explode in wonder at my culinary genius. Except what actually happened was that my mom told me it was interesting. When someone tells you something is interesting it means they hate it and they don't give enough of a fuck to feign enthusiasm. I know because I tell people that things are interesting all the time. "hm, interesting," I say, ten thousand times a day. Anyway I know my carrot soup was not interesting so I asked her what the fuck she was talking about, and it turns out she put ginger in it. And it probably wasn't real ginger, it was probably powdered ginger that expired in 1994 because she's a hoarder, which we can talk about another day. She probably didn't even taste it before she put ginger in there because if she had WHY WOULD SHE HAVE PUT GINGER IN THERE. Here's a secret I can tell you from when I used to be a consultant. If you have a super intense job interview like say you want to be a CEO or something and they take you out to dinner afterwards they are going to watch to see if you do shit like salt your food before you taste it, and if you do they aren't going to hire you because clearly you are an idiot. Haha, like any CEOs or future CEOs are reading this blog. What was I even talking about. Oh, if I make food for you and you alter it in any way I will never make you food again. You don't ask someone to make you food and then add shit to it, it's insulting. Would you go to Alinea and tell Grant Achatz to hold the foam on your fucking weirdo experimental food from the future? You probably would. And yes I'm comparing myself to the chef from one of the best restaurants in America, possibly the world. My boyfriend that I'm married to puts ketchup on everything I make, so now if he ends up dead you know I killed him and why.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

On Beauty

That's a Zadie Smith book, right? On Beauty? Maybe she'll sue me. Anyway. Here's what I didn't like about the first four chapters of The Hunger Games. I read the whole thing but I can only talk about the first four chapters because that's how much I was supposed to read for my book club. I completely suck at being in a book club. Anyway. Katniss. That's the main character, she's 16 and she's named after a post apocalyptic potato. She's a super badass: clever, calculating, good with weapons, pretty fucking stoic, blah blah blah. Kind of like Lisbeth Salander. She's also pretty terrible looking, but only because she doesn't give a shit. Uh, again. Kind of like Lisbeth. When her mom makes her take a bath and put on a dress she is breathtakingly stunning, which is good, because eventually she's going to realize she's not as tough as she thought and totally needs a man, and what kind of man wants a ugly chick, am I right? I mean I'm just guessing, I don't really know what's going to happen by the end of the series, but yeah, that's totally what's going to happen. Anyway that is fucking annoying as shit. Why can't she just be ugly. Or hot. Can't she just be fucking hot and know it? No, she can't. You have to BE hot but you're not supposed to put forth effort or even KNOW about it. Ya heard? Be naturally hot but have no idea, and don't do anything lame like give a shit. Be super skinny while eating a block of cheese! Have beautiful skin and when someone asks if you're wearing makeup say EW OF COURSE NOT, WHO HAS THE TIME? You know what else, I don't even know how to be beautiful because I don't even know what beautiful is. Remember in 2008 or whenever when everybody was hating on Hilary Clinton for being such an ugly dog (Buzz's girlfriend. Woof!) but then they all thought Sarah Palin was attractive? I might be insane but I'm pretty sure Hilary isn't any worse looking than Sarah fucking Palin. You guys, the media is tricking is and I no longer know if I'm pretty. Or I'm pretending I don't.

Monday, January 16, 2012

I have a lot in common with Kanye West

I just read the hunger games. I liked it and I didn't like it. If you haven't read it it's pretty much about Bella from Twilight except she lives in the future where she is forced into a battle to the death with 23 other adolescents, including not-a-werewolf-Jacob. Anyway, I liked it more than I didn't like it, and now I have to read the rest of the series. Please tell me it's a trilogy and I'm not going to have to wait three years for Suzanne Collins to write the fourth one like I did with the Harry Potter series. I didn't particularly like the Harry Potter books at the time that I read them, but after reading Twilight I was forced to reevaluate my standards for young adult literature and my revised opinion is that they are fucking great. I'm reading Kafka on the Shore now. Murakami. When I read Murakami I feel like I'm reading something written by the coolest motherfucker alive. Then I close the book and look at his picture in the back and marvel at the fact that the coolest motherfucker alive is an old ass Japanese man. One day I will write as well as Murukami, and I will publish a book and get a huge advance and pay off all my student loans and win a booker prize. I truly believe this because my whole childhood consisted of adults telling me I was exceptional. I'm not sure if I should carry on this tradition of delusion with my own kid because I haven't decided if its desirable to be a bigger megalomaniac than Kanye West.

Thursday, January 05, 2012

Read this, then listen to me talk on yesjessica's podcast

So it's a whole new year. Jesus Christo! I need to blog more. Remember when I used to blog all the time? That was before Jessica started making me read all these terrible books for our podcast. Oh, wanna hear me talk on a podcast? Go to, she links to it. I would link to it but I'm writing this in notepad. One day I will get my shit together, but today is not that day. I just finished reading outliers. Fucking terrible. Why am I not writing horrible idiotic books where I sloppily sum up research other people did and then collect obscenely large checks for it? I'm just as lazy and stupid as the idiot that wrote that book. WHY AM I NOT MAKING STACKS? Whatever. Maybe I'll write a book on parenting based on that piece of shit book. BASED ON THE MEGA BEST SELLER, OUTLIERS, the cover will say. I'll sum up a book that sums up a bunch of articles, make it even more palatable for the masses. Here, let me chew up this book and spit it into your mouth.
Hm. What else besides outliers. We are going to read hunger games next. The hunger games? Oh god, am I turning into on of those old people that puts "the" in front of places it's not supposed to go? Like "are you sending it through the email?" please don't let me turn into one of those sort of olds, they break my heart. Anyway, I picked the hunger games because I need to read everything that everybody else has read. How else am I going to know how much value to place on everyone as people if I can't judge their literary choices? I'm also reading Kafka by the Shore right now, by Murakami. If you don't like Murakami I don't think we can be friends. Although I do wonder how he gets away with describing what people are wearing all the time. Isn't that something you're not supposed to do? I don't care, I totally want to know what everybody's wearing, because contrary to the popular opinion of moms everywhere, life IS a fashion show.
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