Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Raining on Prom Night.

For some reason half the time I'm in a meeting I get that raining on prom night song from grease in my head. I have no idea why, if anybody wants to psychoanalyze that feel free. It's raining horribly today so I decided to wear bright yellow tights so everyone will be able to see me from miles away. I'm on the train right now but I'm pretty sure when I get downtown everybody is going to be walking around with umbrellas. I don't know what your thoughts on umbrellas are, but I hate them. What's even the point? Put a fucking hat on your head, that's what I do. Or if you're not going anywhere special don't even wear a hat, why is everyone so scared to get wet? If you think you'll catch a cold, you won't, the common cold is a virus and has nothing to do with having wet hair, aren't you glad I paid attention in biology so you don't have to.
I truly hate people who carry umbrellas, it's terrible. It's like being racist but against 94% of the population. I had an umbrella once and I lost it. Then I had another umbrella and I lost that too. My average duration of umbrella ownership is like one day. It's raining, I buy an umbrella, I leave it on the train on the way home. If you're responsible enough to maintain long term umbrella ownership, I don't even want to know you. I don't even think half the people who have umbrellas like them, because dudes are always trying to give them to me when I'm stomping around in the rain like a street urchin.
I also love riding my bike in the rain. I don't know why it's so fun, it just is. Probably because you're like 600% more likely to get run over by a car while doing it. I love anything that could potentially kill me. That's probably why god gave me curly hair, that's like the only thing that deters me from going swimming in the ocean at night during a thunderstorm: how shitty my hair is going to look afterwards.

Monday, September 26, 2011

The worst part of having a baby is how fat you get. And I got so fat. I ate everything. I ate McDonalds. I've spent my whole life being skinny and thinking I don't like McDonalds. I like McDonalds, y'all. McDonalds is so fucking good! Holy shit! I don't know why I thought I didn't like it. I guess these are the lies thin people tell themselves. Why do I love the big mac so much even though I know it's made of low grade beef and came from a freezer? I have no idea, but I know loving the big mac is not wrong, because the whole developed world loves the big mac. I love their shitty fries and their disgusting HiC orange drink. I probably like the whopper, too.
I also ate a metric ton of candy while I was pregnant, and I REALLY never liked candy before, I really didn't, it wasn't one of those thin people lies like McDonalds was. I started eating chocolate like every day. Actually, no, not LIKE every day, that implies that I'm estimating, and I'm not estimating, I'm certain that I ate chocolate every day that I was pregnant. And I've always looked down on ladies that love chocolate, because come on, what a cliche (Bitches be eatin chocolate!), so I hated myself extra hard for all of the chocolate eating, but I could not stop eating it! Have you ever read that book From Chocolate to Morphine? About drugs? They're not kidding, chocolate is a drug, man. You already know this if you've ever scarfed down a whole candy bar and not even enjoyed it because you are so filled with shame. Also if you've ever eaten half a cake and thrown the rest in the garbage and then gotten it out of the garbage later. Sadly I am very confident that I'm not the only one who has done this.
I'm still sort of fat and I fucking hate it. If you know me you probably don't think I'm fat, but you probably think you're fat and we are probably the same size. I know, fucked up, right? I'm so glad I live in a society that teaches us all to hate our fucking selves.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Brothers and Sisters

Now that I have a baby people want to know when I'm going to have another baby. Like I'm collecting babies or something. I don't know when I'm going to have another baby, I just tell people NEVER. Everyone thinks this is crazy. I don't think this is crazy at all. I like going to Europe and shit. I like eating meals that cost more than my phone bill. If I want to continue this shit and have TWO babies (which I would, I plan to continue this shit forever) I would probably have to get a real full-time job. FUCK THAT. People are so sad for my baby when I tell them I'm never having another one. She will be so sad and lonely, they say. Who even are these people! I have a brother, and he was totally useless to me growing up. I tried to blame stuff on him and nobody ever believed me, he was the obvious favorite even though I was twice as smart and three times better looking, and one time he pushed me into a curb and shattered all the bones in my foot. Now I see him four times a year and he always has a new creepy girlfriend I have to pretend to give a shit about. Being an only child sounds AWESOME to me. I like being by myself. My favorite memories of childhood involve shit like me walking home, by myself, pretending I was escaping the new world order of fascist robots that rose from the post apocolyptic dust. And my pretending skills are going to take me way farther in life than whatever teamwork skills these losers honed playing dolls with their sisters or whatever. Teamwork is for people without any talent. If my kid gets lonely she can make friends on the Internet like I did.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

If you build it...

Was that a proper use of an ellipse up there in the title? There's an attorney at my work that uses ellipses all the time. Like his email will end like this "Thanks..."

THAT SHIT MAKES NO SENSE. Is that an ominous thanks? A skeptical thanks? What is he leaving out behind the dot dot dot? SO MYSTERIOUS. How does one get through law school doing that? If I had signed an email like that when I was in grad school my professors would have been like "WhereTF did you learn that, never end an email like that again lest someone think you learned it here." That shit probably flies in law school because all law school is is a fancy trade school that's hella expensive. Sorry lawyers of the world, academia is looking down on you.

That's not what I was going to talk about. I was going to talk about how I'm sorry I haven't been blogging. I'm sorry. Really, I am. I'm writing a novel. Dont laugh, it's going to be good. I know other people can write a novel and still blog at the same time, but I am at least three times lazier than those people. I've already failed out of college once, dropped out of a PhD program, and quit a whole career. It's a miracle I haven't gotten tired of my baby and dropped her off at a firehouse so I can get back to laying around and fucking off full time.

Anyway, I've finished the first chapter of my novel. If you want to know if it's good you can ask Sabrina because she's read it. I'm writing a novel because one time when we were in a fight my husband was like "...And you're never even going to write a book." I guess if it ever gets published I can dedicate it "To Luke. I wrote a book." Everything I do I do in order to beat someone else in a fight they don't even probably remember having.

Anyway, I'm remembering to blog today because Sabrina passed along some sage advice from Tony Robbins. Basically I set my phone so that it would scream at me to blog and now I am doing it. Thank god that we are living in the future and m phone is practically a pocket sized version of Rosie from the Jetsons.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Woman Be Free

When I was in college I used to wear this tshirt that used to be my mom's that said "Woman, Be Free" on it, and the dude who is now my bother in law took a sharpie and wrote "Slave" over the word free, and I was so mad. Dag, I'm still mad now that I think about it. He lives with me now in true sitcom brother in law fashion, so I brought it up to him the other day while he was laying around on my couch/his bed, and he said he feels actually feels really bad about it now. Then I sent him out to mow the lawn and while he was gone I threw out all the clothes he left lying around. HA.
Anyway, I'm just wondering why it's so cool to hate women. I'm so sick of hearing about abortions all the time. I get that some people think it's murder, but there are also a lot of actual, objective murders occurring everyday, a lot of which are facilitated by the availability of handguns. I never hear people bitching about handguns, unless it's to say that they should be even easier to get. Last year the NRA or somebody went to the supreme court and argued that it's unconstitutional for towns to ban guns and the only people that would even go against them was the fucking town I grew up in, which is a dumb town of like sixty thousand people in the middle of Illinois. Where were all of the fucking abortion psychos that are supposed to be so into life? They're notinto fucking life, they just don't give a shit about women and are probably mad that we can even vote and own property. And it also irritates the fucking shit out of me that so many people are getting raped that these psychos want special clauses for that. Like rape is a fucking way of life but abortion is not. You think you can't stop men from raping but you can stop women from having abortions? I have news for you, you will never stop women from having abortions, ever. If abortions become illegal in my lifetime I promise you that I will learn how to preform them and I will preform secret abortions in my house, all day long until I die.
You also realize how many people hate women when you try breastfeeding in public. Apparently a lot of people think it should be illegal because it's totally gross. Want to know what I think is gross? Fat people eating, gingers, Christianity, cats, potatoes, and seeing ugly people on a date. Admit it, you think those things are gross too. Let's ban them. Also my best friend, Sabrina. How dare she be so big tittied and loud. Sorry Sabrina, everyone thinks you're gross, and you're not allowed to go outside anymore. You know what I don't want to see anymore? MEN'S TITS. Way grosser than women's tits, in my opinion. Also they're not using them to feed any babies or anything, MAKE THEM PUT THEM AWAY.

Thursday, September 01, 2011

It is so humid I need a snorkel to walk down the fucking street

FUCK THIS BULLSHIT. It is so motherfucking hot right now. And of course it's delightfully cold in my office because I like it to be under sixty in the summer and over seventy in the winter  (this is why I love being an American) which is why I  so I feel like I just walked into an oven. Can't decide if I should make a Jew joke or a gas line suicide joke here. Decisions, decisions. 
I don't think I'm going to the lakehouse this weekend because Dave is getting a puppy and he wants to leave at like seven in the morning to pick it up. FUCK THAT. He's getting a puppy that looks just like my dead dog Miette, the only dog I ever loved or will love. After Miette died I was super sad until I got a new dog, and that is when I realized that dog love is TOTALLY FALSE because when your dog dies you can just replace it. I can't wait to replace the dog I have now with one that doesn't smell like rotting entrails. I also can't wait to get home, turn the AC down to 55 degrees, and wrap myself up in a giant blanket. 
There's a girl sitting behind me on the train talking on the phone and she sounds just like fucking Deena on the Jersey Shore. I really want to turn around and look at her. She's talking about camping and how it sounds terrible. What a fucking retard. I might go to Dave's lakehouse this weekend but I don't think that counts as camping since the lakehouse has two bathrooms and a jacuzzi. Remember the movie The Lakehouse? I think it's about Keanu Reeves writing Sandra Bullock love letters from the future or something? I never saw that movie, it sounds like it might be so bad I'd enjoy it. I wonder if I can stream it on Netflix. Ooh I wonder if they have Glitter, the Mariah Carey movie. Maybe this weekend I'll make Dave watch all Razzie winners of the past ten years with me. I love terrible movies. Remember I Know Who Killed Me staring Lindsay Lohan as two different people? I liked that terrible movie so much I BOUGHT IT. (for $4.99).
Ok I just turned around and looked at the Jersey Shore chick behind me and she's older than I am. Good to know that people can still talk like idiots into their forties, what a relief.
Now that you know I like such bad movies, it probably doesn't surprise you that I like the Jersey Shore. What a great show. When my mom makes fun of me for watching it I tell her at least I'm not watching two and a half men, the worst show ever that somehow turned Charlie Sheen Estevez Psycho into the richest fucking person alive. My mom loves that show, which is kind of scary because my mom is generally a smart lady. So many old people like that show! Why? That's not a rhetorical question, I really want to know. Not that any of you jerks are going to tell me because none of you ever comment.
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