Tuesday, May 03, 2011

This weekend I dressed my baby up like what I think Alice in wonderland would have looked like as a baby in 2011 and took a million pictures of her. Because I am going to throw a mad tea party for her and I want to make rad invitations. Does that make you hate me? Please don't hate me for having a baby, that's fucking retarded. When you have a baby people who don't have a baby hate you because they think you are boring. I have a baby and I'm fucking cooler than Steve McQueen. Also you shouldn't hate boring people, they usually can't help it. You should pity them and you should pity their sad bored offspring. Also when you have a baby people love telling you you're doing it wrong. NO, UR DOIN IT WRONG. I should make a shirt that says that. Like, instead of having a fucking awesome party I should put money in the bank for college. Well, guess what is better than college. Parties. I would know, I went to college for like ten years. Not that cool. Plus if my baby is 70% as smart as I am she is not going to have to pay to go to college anyway. Paying for college is for sad dumb boring people whose parents didn't throw them any good parties when they were babies. Something else people like to tell me I'm doing wrong is I sleep with my baby. Not like have sex with it, like I let it sleep in my bed. Apparently my baby is never going to want to sleep in her own bed now because I've fucked her up by doing this. Now she's going to want to sleep in my bed forever. Good thing I'm having parties instead of saving all my money for college since she won't be able to go anyway. Because I won't be there and she will have nowhere to sleep. Don't I like sleeping with my husband? Um no not really. Oh unless by sleeping with you meant fucking, yes I do like fucking. I like fucking on the back porch while my idiot neighbors are having dinner and then I like sleeping in my big bed with my baby. I can't wait to tell someone that.

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