Monday, November 21, 2011


Thanksgiving, blah blah I hate it blah blah. I'm sure I've written about that before, turkey, gross, potatoes are the real opiate of the masses, pilgrims, rape, syphilis, etc. ok now that I've gotten that out of the way I guess I should think about what I'm thankful for in case anyone asks me which they (my mom) totally will. In thankful for good genetics and breeding, thanks mom and dad. I have to go to two thanksgivings because my mom loves making thanksgiving dinner even though everyone is either dead or out of state and the only people left to attend are me and my brother. It's seriously so boring. Anyway my sister in law bought a house this year and is having a big thanksgiving dinner to which my parents were invited but no, my mom insists on having her own thanksgiving so I have to go to both and I don't even have a car to drive from one to the other so what a fucking pain in the ass. My mom likes having Christmas too, so even though I am having Christmas at my house this year (for probably like 20 people) she wants me to come over there on Christmas eve. Am I complaining too much, here I'll think of something else I'm thankful for: the written word. Ok anyway the best part is that my mom is Jewish so she went the first 30 years of life without clelbratng Christmas at all but now it somehow means so mch to her that she's going to make me go over there the night before I host a giant dinner for 20 people. God damn it I am getting pissed just thinking about it I am not going to go. I am thankful for free will. Not going to go on Christmas eve I mean. I have to go to thanksgiving because I already said I would.
My brother has somewhere else to be on thanksgiving also: his girlfriend's parents'. So my mom is having her dinner late and is already complaining that nobody is going to eat her food. Moms! Why are they so fucking crazy! My brother's girlfriend is 19. The weird thing is that she looks like she's 45. Doesnt that defeat the purpose of dating someone ten years younger than you? Last time I saw her she was wearing this weird necklace with words on it and I made the mistake of asking her what it said. I'M ONE STOMACH FLU AWAY FROM MY GOAL WEIGHT. That's not a non sequitur, that's actually what her necklace said. So now I just pretend she's not a real person and hope my brother breaks up with her before my baby learns how to read. You know that saying blood is thicker than water? I think it's supposed to mean family is more important than outsiders, except it's not like people who aren't in my family bleed water, and also I'm not sure what density has to do with any of it. Anyway, regardless of whether that stupid phrase makes any sense or not, I don't buy into the inherent importance of family. What if your family members are dicks? Some of mine are dicks. I'm thankful that I'm an adult and nobody can make me pretend to care about my brother's weird girlfriend. Happy thanksgiving.


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