Wednesday, November 30, 2011


I've never been rejected in my life. Until today. WHAT THE FUCK. Rejection is fucking gay and I hate it. Here's what happened, I submitted a shitty story I wrote for publication and I got denied by some motherfucker named Brad. No last name just Brad. I FUCKING HATE THE NAME BRAD!!! How come you don't want to give me your last name, Brad? I gave you mine! WHAT THE FUCK! Fuck you Brad, for making me be on a first name basis with you. Of course after I got rejected I immediately wondered if all of my friends were laughing behind my back at how terrible my story was. Crazy, no? THE REJECTION IS CAUSING ME TO LOSE MY GOD DAMN MIND. I immediately texted all of them to tell them I was rejected and to accuse them of being bad editors and bad people, and they were all like "well rejection is a big part of being a writer." to which I said, being a writer is fuckinh terrible, you don't get paid and they make you feel like shit." I said it just like that, with an h at the end of fucking and everything, which tells you how shitty I felt: so shitty that I decided spelling no longer mattered.

Does spelling matter? Have you ever been rejected? Tell me all about it in the comments! (I have to practice writing bullshit like that because editorial writing is all anybody wants from me, sad face.)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

It's Cold

I guess it's cold outside now. I don't know, I don't think its that cold, I'm not wearing a scarf and that's how I tell if it's cold or not, but I guess for some people it's cold, and they are complaining about it on Facebook. PUSSIES. Kind of dumb, use of the word pussy there, since I'm pretty sure pussies are super strong muscles that are best known for getting all ripped up during childbirth, where as if you kick a man in the dick he will roll around on the floor for three hours crying, so maybe I should have said DICKS, but whatever, I'm just using the misogynistic lexicon I was handed. What was I talking about? PUSSIES. I truly hate people who complain about the weather. ON FACEBOOK. I can't even think of anything more boring. It's like, if you're outside in the freezing cold updating Facebook on your phone you should probably just put your phone away and put your hands in your fucking pockets and you'll be a lot warmer. Idiot. If you're inside I don't know why you're complaining, you're inside, isn't it warm in there? I personally love cold weather. Nobody sweats and everybody smells good all the time, and my hair looks really good for four consecutive months. Also snow. Snow is awesome and beautiful, and it makes everything really soft so you can throw yourself on the ground and not get hurt. It's like having mattresses everywhere. I guess not everyone gets a excited about throwing themselves around like a small child as I do. Which I guess is fine, but why would you brag about it? People who don't like seasons are boring. They don't want change, or to be uncomfortable. They're like adult versions of those kids that refuse to eat anything but buttered noodles.

Sunday, November 27, 2011


I have PMS. I used to think PMS was a fake thing that boring loser girls made up as an excuse to act like fucking bitches, and now I have it, WHAT THE FUCK. Why is this happening to me, probably because I am fucking old and close to death.

Now that I have PMS I am fucking pissed about the way America treats PMS. Shit. I just made a motherfucking peanut butter nutella and raspberry panini and now I forgot what I was talking about, but in the time it took me to type that sentence I've found two more things to be mad about. One, don't you hate people who tell you panini is plural and you should have said panino? Not that anybody actually said this to me, I unfortunately have the voices of a thousand pretentious assholes in my head at all times, pissing me off even when I'm home alone. Two, my fucking pussy of a phone doesn't recognize the word motherfucker, but it recognizes the word Steve. There is no way this fancy fucking phone doesn't know about cursing, it is playing fucking coy with me and I hate it. I love this fucking phone more than I have ever loved any man and I even sleep with it under my pillow and yet it plays these games with me.
Oh yeah now I remember what I was originally mad about, PMS. I have it, and it feels like I am insane and I hate it. I seriously feel like a depressive Alzheimer's patient in the middle of a psychotic break. I want to cry all the time but I don't know why and I can't remember what happened five minutes ago. I hate that, but what I hate even more is that the media acts like men are the ones who are suffering. You know, because their wives turn into crazy psychos from their periods. Do you know what's worse than being subjected to a psychotic person? ACTUALLY BEING THAT PSYCHO. Oh, you don't like being confused by my bizzaro behavior? Well I'm fucking confused by it too. It's like being a fucking werewolf. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?

Monday, November 21, 2011


Thanksgiving, blah blah I hate it blah blah. I'm sure I've written about that before, turkey, gross, potatoes are the real opiate of the masses, pilgrims, rape, syphilis, etc. ok now that I've gotten that out of the way I guess I should think about what I'm thankful for in case anyone asks me which they (my mom) totally will. In thankful for good genetics and breeding, thanks mom and dad. I have to go to two thanksgivings because my mom loves making thanksgiving dinner even though everyone is either dead or out of state and the only people left to attend are me and my brother. It's seriously so boring. Anyway my sister in law bought a house this year and is having a big thanksgiving dinner to which my parents were invited but no, my mom insists on having her own thanksgiving so I have to go to both and I don't even have a car to drive from one to the other so what a fucking pain in the ass. My mom likes having Christmas too, so even though I am having Christmas at my house this year (for probably like 20 people) she wants me to come over there on Christmas eve. Am I complaining too much, here I'll think of something else I'm thankful for: the written word. Ok anyway the best part is that my mom is Jewish so she went the first 30 years of life without clelbratng Christmas at all but now it somehow means so mch to her that she's going to make me go over there the night before I host a giant dinner for 20 people. God damn it I am getting pissed just thinking about it I am not going to go. I am thankful for free will. Not going to go on Christmas eve I mean. I have to go to thanksgiving because I already said I would.
My brother has somewhere else to be on thanksgiving also: his girlfriend's parents'. So my mom is having her dinner late and is already complaining that nobody is going to eat her food. Moms! Why are they so fucking crazy! My brother's girlfriend is 19. The weird thing is that she looks like she's 45. Doesnt that defeat the purpose of dating someone ten years younger than you? Last time I saw her she was wearing this weird necklace with words on it and I made the mistake of asking her what it said. I'M ONE STOMACH FLU AWAY FROM MY GOAL WEIGHT. That's not a non sequitur, that's actually what her necklace said. So now I just pretend she's not a real person and hope my brother breaks up with her before my baby learns how to read. You know that saying blood is thicker than water? I think it's supposed to mean family is more important than outsiders, except it's not like people who aren't in my family bleed water, and also I'm not sure what density has to do with any of it. Anyway, regardless of whether that stupid phrase makes any sense or not, I don't buy into the inherent importance of family. What if your family members are dicks? Some of mine are dicks. I'm thankful that I'm an adult and nobody can make me pretend to care about my brother's weird girlfriend. Happy thanksgiving.


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