Monday, September 26, 2011

The worst part of having a baby is how fat you get. And I got so fat. I ate everything. I ate McDonalds. I've spent my whole life being skinny and thinking I don't like McDonalds. I like McDonalds, y'all. McDonalds is so fucking good! Holy shit! I don't know why I thought I didn't like it. I guess these are the lies thin people tell themselves. Why do I love the big mac so much even though I know it's made of low grade beef and came from a freezer? I have no idea, but I know loving the big mac is not wrong, because the whole developed world loves the big mac. I love their shitty fries and their disgusting HiC orange drink. I probably like the whopper, too.
I also ate a metric ton of candy while I was pregnant, and I REALLY never liked candy before, I really didn't, it wasn't one of those thin people lies like McDonalds was. I started eating chocolate like every day. Actually, no, not LIKE every day, that implies that I'm estimating, and I'm not estimating, I'm certain that I ate chocolate every day that I was pregnant. And I've always looked down on ladies that love chocolate, because come on, what a cliche (Bitches be eatin chocolate!), so I hated myself extra hard for all of the chocolate eating, but I could not stop eating it! Have you ever read that book From Chocolate to Morphine? About drugs? They're not kidding, chocolate is a drug, man. You already know this if you've ever scarfed down a whole candy bar and not even enjoyed it because you are so filled with shame. Also if you've ever eaten half a cake and thrown the rest in the garbage and then gotten it out of the garbage later. Sadly I am very confident that I'm not the only one who has done this.
I'm still sort of fat and I fucking hate it. If you know me you probably don't think I'm fat, but you probably think you're fat and we are probably the same size. I know, fucked up, right? I'm so glad I live in a society that teaches us all to hate our fucking selves.
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