Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's Complicated

Facebook. People like it better than Myspace for some reason. I don't know why, it's pretty much exactly the same to me except that nobody has offered me money to walk on them in high heels via Facebook. That must be why people like it more, less pervs. I don't really have a problem with perverts. Bring on the perverts, I say. The thing I don't like about Facebook is that it makes me hate my friends. I mean, myspace also made me hate them, but on myspace I had to look at their profiles I order to hate them, so like if I was in a hateful mood I could look at everyones profiles and wonder how I could even stand to be associated with them, but on Facebook I'm assaulted with stupid updates all the time causing me to well up with hate constantly, even when I'm trying really hard to be a nice person. Here is the kind of shit that fills me with hate on Facebook:

Ellipses. I've never seen more ellipses on my life. Half the time I don't even understand them. "it's hot out today..." WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 

Winking frown face. You know what I mean, this guy ;(
WINKING FROWN FACE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? It reminds me of like a sex trafficked child or something, winking at an old pervert through her tears of desperation. I don't want to think about sex trafficking while I'm on Facebook.

Hey, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING ON FACEBOOK. I reserve the other 23.5 hours of the day for those thoughts.  You don't need to tell me that a child gets turned out every 4.7 seconds, I already knew that, I listen to NPR.

Ex boyfriends. Did this one really just post a picture of the sound waves from the amen break on there??? I always thought maybe I should have married him and now I am sure! DAG. Did that one really just call me a heifer and then delete it like I wouldn't know? DOESNT HE KNOW THAT I AM ALL KNOWING? WHY IS HE GIVING ME AN EATING DISORDER?

Parents with no senses of humor. Don't post 100 pictures of your baby I'm which he looks just like Angela Lansbury if you don't want me to comment that your son looks just like Angela Lansbury. You know it's true, just like I know my baby looks like Woody Harrelson in Kingpin half the time. BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.

People whose profile pics are of them and their significant other. This is seriously how you define yourself? Gross. Also I am aware that ugly people fall in love just like the rest of us, but why do they have to shove it in my face? Ew. Hot people never do this, because it makes it harder for them to cheat. 

People whose profile pics ate five years old. Myself included. I just realized my profile pic is like two years old. I hate myself. I really do. I hate myself so much! I also lobe myself SO MUCH! Being me is confusing. I should create a second Facebook page so I could tell Facebook I'm in a relationship with myself and it's complicated.
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