Saturday, July 23, 2011

Don't Hate the Player (I hate myself for just saying that)

Today my bofriend that I am married to asked me if I thought the baby was right handed. I took advantage of that opportunity to pretend like I didn't know I'd married a left-handed person. You know, like I just don't even pay that much attention to him or whatever. This is just a game I play to keep the balance around the house. I devised this strategy in the third grade when my boyfriend told me he liked the weird way I held my pencil. At that moment I knew be would love me forever and that I could probably get away with all kinds of outrageous shit. So from that point on I decided to basically be the opposite of that. Which is why I am pretending not to know which hand my husband writes with. To keep him insecure so that he will continue to cook me food and buy me prizes for shit like not calling in sick to work. Yeah, I get prizes for that, and I bet I wouldn't if he didn't think I could leave him at any time.
I hate people who say they don't play games. It's always lonely people that say that. Like the reason they're perpetually alone isn't because they're so fucking boring, it's because they're a better and more evolved person than you. Like Redman says, WHATEVER, MAN. I hope one day you don't choke to death on a lean cuisine alone in your apartment with no one there to administer the heimlich. You know, dying on the floor, eyes brimming with tears, knowing that by the time anyone finds you your cat will have eaten your face off in order to survive. Some people hate playing games so much they get married just so they don't have to play anymore. HA, then their husbands cheat on them with chicks that DO play games because, duh, games are fun. I mean, even babies play them. My baby is like a fucking master of it, she pretends like she wants me to pick her up and then she turns away at the last minute, breaking my dumb heart. Good for her though, she'll go fucking far in life if she keeps that shit up. And now I'm on my way to work where I play the game of pretending like I respect my boss and don't want to cut her head off.
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