Thursday, July 28, 2011

It's Complicated

Facebook. People like it better than Myspace for some reason. I don't know why, it's pretty much exactly the same to me except that nobody has offered me money to walk on them in high heels via Facebook. That must be why people like it more, less pervs. I don't really have a problem with perverts. Bring on the perverts, I say. The thing I don't like about Facebook is that it makes me hate my friends. I mean, myspace also made me hate them, but on myspace I had to look at their profiles I order to hate them, so like if I was in a hateful mood I could look at everyones profiles and wonder how I could even stand to be associated with them, but on Facebook I'm assaulted with stupid updates all the time causing me to well up with hate constantly, even when I'm trying really hard to be a nice person. Here is the kind of shit that fills me with hate on Facebook:

Ellipses. I've never seen more ellipses on my life. Half the time I don't even understand them. "it's hot out today..." WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 

Winking frown face. You know what I mean, this guy ;(
WINKING FROWN FACE, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? It reminds me of like a sex trafficked child or something, winking at an old pervert through her tears of desperation. I don't want to think about sex trafficking while I'm on Facebook.

Hey, I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT SEX TRAFFICKING ON FACEBOOK. I reserve the other 23.5 hours of the day for those thoughts.  You don't need to tell me that a child gets turned out every 4.7 seconds, I already knew that, I listen to NPR.

Ex boyfriends. Did this one really just post a picture of the sound waves from the amen break on there??? I always thought maybe I should have married him and now I am sure! DAG. Did that one really just call me a heifer and then delete it like I wouldn't know? DOESNT HE KNOW THAT I AM ALL KNOWING? WHY IS HE GIVING ME AN EATING DISORDER?

Parents with no senses of humor. Don't post 100 pictures of your baby I'm which he looks just like Angela Lansbury if you don't want me to comment that your son looks just like Angela Lansbury. You know it's true, just like I know my baby looks like Woody Harrelson in Kingpin half the time. BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT.

People whose profile pics are of them and their significant other. This is seriously how you define yourself? Gross. Also I am aware that ugly people fall in love just like the rest of us, but why do they have to shove it in my face? Ew. Hot people never do this, because it makes it harder for them to cheat. 

People whose profile pics ate five years old. Myself included. I just realized my profile pic is like two years old. I hate myself. I really do. I hate myself so much! I also lobe myself SO MUCH! Being me is confusing. I should create a second Facebook page so I could tell Facebook I'm in a relationship with myself and it's complicated.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Don't Hate the Player (I hate myself for just saying that)

Today my bofriend that I am married to asked me if I thought the baby was right handed. I took advantage of that opportunity to pretend like I didn't know I'd married a left-handed person. You know, like I just don't even pay that much attention to him or whatever. This is just a game I play to keep the balance around the house. I devised this strategy in the third grade when my boyfriend told me he liked the weird way I held my pencil. At that moment I knew be would love me forever and that I could probably get away with all kinds of outrageous shit. So from that point on I decided to basically be the opposite of that. Which is why I am pretending not to know which hand my husband writes with. To keep him insecure so that he will continue to cook me food and buy me prizes for shit like not calling in sick to work. Yeah, I get prizes for that, and I bet I wouldn't if he didn't think I could leave him at any time.
I hate people who say they don't play games. It's always lonely people that say that. Like the reason they're perpetually alone isn't because they're so fucking boring, it's because they're a better and more evolved person than you. Like Redman says, WHATEVER, MAN. I hope one day you don't choke to death on a lean cuisine alone in your apartment with no one there to administer the heimlich. You know, dying on the floor, eyes brimming with tears, knowing that by the time anyone finds you your cat will have eaten your face off in order to survive. Some people hate playing games so much they get married just so they don't have to play anymore. HA, then their husbands cheat on them with chicks that DO play games because, duh, games are fun. I mean, even babies play them. My baby is like a fucking master of it, she pretends like she wants me to pick her up and then she turns away at the last minute, breaking my dumb heart. Good for her though, she'll go fucking far in life if she keeps that shit up. And now I'm on my way to work where I play the game of pretending like I respect my boss and don't want to cut her head off.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

It's fucking hot.

Holy shit it's so fucking hot. Actually I don't even care how hot it is, what I hate is that it's so goddamned humid that I feel like the motherfucking sweaty hand of god has reached down from the heavns and is pressing me down into the sidewalk. Also this is the part of the year where I do battle with my white lady Afro. A white lady Afro is different than a black lady Afro because the wearer of the white lady Afro has a zero percent chance of looking like Eryka Badu and like a ninety percent chance of looking like Cameron Diaz in Being John Malkovich, aka the movie where they made Cameron Diaz ugly by putting my hair on her head.
I had short hair the last two summers I dealt with that by putting tons of expensive and slimy shit in it to essentially create the white lady jeri curl. But not this summer! This summer my hair is long enough to put it all on top of my head and wrap it around itself until it turns into the hair of a librarian/prom queen hybrid. Like the kind of crazy hair you could hide coke straws in and shit. Seriously it is fucking hot, Do you think I give a shit if I look like a post apocolyptic fucking ballerina.The first day I discovered this I came running out of the bathroom shouting "look what I can do to my hair again!" while my horrified husband grabbed the baby and shielded her from the fucking hairspray tsunami (Bed Head control freak in the green bottle. Word). Then he asked me why the baby's head smelled so good and I told him it's because I put morroccan oil in it, duh. What, that little chick has a white lady Afro too, just because she can't talk doesn't mean I can't read her sad little eyes, pleading with me to tame that shit. It is just too fucking hot.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Hey, does anybody want to see some dick pictures?

If anybody wants to see dick pics I'll give you dick pics. Does any girl actually want to see dick pics though? I mean, I do, like when guys send them to my friends and I'm like hahahahahah FWD, PLZ! But does anyone actually want to receive them from an actual dude? Sabrina forwarded me a dick pic yesterday, it was the culmination of a series of increasingly insane emails in which this dude called her a phantom, an Internet sensation, his wife, and his ex wife. He also told her she'd better bring the fried chicken AND the sides! I don't even know exactly what that means, but I'm going to add it to my lexicon of awesome reality show phrases such as "don't threaten ME with a good time," and "you're an irk to my mind!" hey man, you better bring that fried chicken AND the sides! If this dude had a reality show I would totally watch it, SOMEONE GET THIS GUY A REALITY SHOW!
Anyway, finally he sent her a dick pic. It was like, fine, you don't want to fuck me, well here's what you're missing, BA DOW! And at that moment, if you listened very carefully, you could hear the tiny pings of a thousand emails reaching their destinations. HEY GUYS, LOOK WHAT THIS DUDE SENT ME. If you are a dude and you send a girl pictures of your wang, know that she is going to show it to everyone she encounters that day and they are all going to laugh at you. And she is also going to save a copy so that she can laugh at you later, or possibly share it with the press (Anthony Weiner or whatever your name is). Even if she pretended to think it was hot, she didn't think it was hot. Sorry, there is nothing hot about a dick outside of a sexual situation. Ok if anybody wants to see pictures of a crazy man's penis please let me know and I will figure it out for you. Also if anyone wants to disregard my advice and send me a dick pic I will be happy to post it on the Internet for the viewing pleasure of all 30 people who look at this blog.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Happy 1st birthday, kid.

My baby turned one on Saturday, which means a year ago today I was still in the hospital. I had mybaby at Northwestern, it was awesome there and I never wanted to leave so I stayed for like five days. You could call for whatever kind of food you wanted whenever you wanted it and they had wifi and lakefront views, plus nurses will come take the baby away from you so you can chill out and watch mad men in peace and they'll bring her back later when she's all clean and happy. I always wondered why celebrities had so many nannies and now I know; it's awesome. Then I had to leave the hospital and I had postpartum depression and cried all the time. Jesus Christ. Did you know that postpartum depression can last for like a year? If I was still depressed like that I'd have killed myself by now, seriously.

Good thing that shit only lasted like six weeks so I still get to be alive. Having a baby, though. Man it's so shitty! Like when you first bring it home and you're not even supposed to lift your on baby because she weighs ten pounds and they had to cut you all the way in half to get her out? And she screams all the time, and when she isn't screaming you're totally bored because you can't go anywhere? This is why I hate feminism. I seriously don't believe a bunch of dumb ass women actually argued for the rights to have a job like men have. Jobs like men have fucking suck. I should know, I've had several. If every chick I know didn't have to have a stupid idiotic job maye one of them could have come over and helped me not cry all day and lose my fucking mind. But no, and also I had to work too because now that women are working they don't need to pay men enough to raise families, so now everyone has to work, THANK YOU FEMINISM. Feminists act like they're all about choosing choices but they totally effed up my chances at not wanting to work like a fucking man.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I love technology

Did you know I do all my blogging from my iPhone? I do all my blogging from my iPhone. I do all of my Internet fucking around on my iPhone, I don't even know why I have the Internet at home. Oh wait yes I do, it's so I can watch netflix on it. I watch tv on the Internet and play on the Internet on my phone, THIS IS THE FUTURE AND IT'S INCREDIBLE! You know what is not incredible, the fact that I can't even talk on the phone on my phone. FUCK YOU APPLE. I just spent ten minutes trying to talk to Sabrina and ultimately failed and now she's sending me a short story to read, in leiu of talking to each other. It's like this is a conspiracy to make me even more reclusive than I already am. Why is apple conspiring against me??? There's the real short story, the story where Apple achieves it's end goal of world domination by manipulating us through our fucking phones and shit. I like how all of the people who only signed on with AT&T when the iPhone came out think AT&T is super shitty. NOPE! Back in the fucking olden days my PINK RAZR worked SUPERBLY! NOPE, AT&T doesn't suck, it's your rad iPhone that you think is so cool that sucks. I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
I am going to call AT&T tomorrow and ask them what they are going to do to rectify the fact that I pay $200 a month for some phones I can't talk on. And that keeps eating my blog posts. I wrote a whole fucking manifesto about the mall. WHERE IS IT, IPHONE? WHERE?
It is like I'm gollum from lord of the rings and this fucking phone is my precious. I didn't even know I fucking needed it until I got it, and now I I can't function without it and it's ruining my life. And Apple is Sauron or whatever. Fucking up all my shit. God damn, I just scared the shit put of myself with that analogy. Peace out, my nerds.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

No, Seriously, Fuck Them.

Whenever I read "Fuck Jezebel" I think of that Nas song that goes "Fuck Jay Z!" I think it's called Ether. Anyway. Because I love complaining and hating on shit, I am going to tell you something else that really bothered me about Jezebel. God, this is like when you break up with your boyfriend and you can't stop telling everyone every stupid thing you never told your friends annoyed you about him. Jezebel writes about rape a lot, and they get super angry about anti rape campaigns that try to educate or remind women about things they can do to avoid being raped. Because women should be allowed to do whatever they want! They should be able to go to frat parties and get blackout drunk and leave their drinks unattended! Jezebel is right. Women should be able to do all these things. But we can't! And it sucks! But we just can't! Jezebel thinks all rape awareness campaigns should be addressed towards men. Like, "hey, men, stop raping!" Which is fucking hilarious, because I'm pretty sure men are always going to rape women. If prostitution is the oldest profession then rape is probably the oldest crime. Or actually probably not because it probably used to be so normal it wasn't EVEN a crime. Have you ever seen animals mate? I have and it kind of makes me uncomfortable because it looks a lot like rape. If there is life on other planets there is probably rape on other planets. We are never going to eradicate it. Sorry! Sorry you had to find out this way! So as long as you don't want to get raped in this lifetime, you might as well not get in cars with people you don't know and watch your fucking drink, right? (and then you might get raped anyway, WTF, I know).
I wonder if Jezebel finds it condescending to women that there are people working hard to make sure abortion remains safe and legal for rape and incest survivors. Why should they need an abortion? Why should they have to deal with this shitty problem when men are the ones that should stop committing acts of rape and incest upon people! Welcome to the real world guys, it fucking sucks and you need to watch your drink.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Fuck Jezebel

Do you guys read Jezebel? It's a "feminist" website, whatever that even means. I used to read Jezebel because I am a feminist and I like to read, but unfortunately I will no longer be reading that website because it hates mothers. It seems like society as a whole fucking hates mothers these days. For example, it seems like ninety percent of the Internet thinks Casey Anthony deserves the death penalty whether she murdered her daughter or not because she is A BAD MOTHER. Well guess what, it's perfectly legal to not care that your child is dead and to go out partying and being an in general whore afterwards. Weird but legal. Just because the state doesn't get to murder you for plastering pictures of yourself drinking whiskey in a vinyl tube top the day your baby went missing all over myspace or whatever doesn't mean people won't judge the shit out of you for it. Just like people will judge the shit out of you for being the other kind of mother, the kind that takes her kids to Disney Land and posts pictures of their trip on Facebook, oh my god how dare anyone be so boring, nobody wants to see that. Can't mothers just stay off the Internet? And out of public?
Anyway, I read an article on Jezebel yesterday that asked the question "do you deserve to have your expensive stroller stolen?" I am thinking no, I do not deserve to have any of my possessions stolen, including my expensive ass stroller. I am also thinking I don't want to visit a website that asks me if I maybe deserve to be robbed. I mean, if we are talking about stupid wastes of money, I'm typing this on a fucking five hundred dollar phone. Do we all deserve to have our smartphones stolen? What about people that spend $400 on a fucking haircut and highlights, maybe someone should rip all of their fucking hair out, those dumb bitches! And oh my god, what about people that spend $500 on dinner for two at Alinea, someone should stand right outside that restaurant and punch everyone that walks out right in their frivolous stomachs!
I don't even have a fucking car, so I don't think it's that insane that I would want to buy a nice stroller to push around everywhere I fucking go, but it doesn't even matter whether my stroller was a smart purchase or not, what matters is that a so-called feminist website is mocking and shaming me for my choices as a fucking mom. If I wanted to read that sort of sorry shit I would read Maxim.

Happy Birthday Mandy

Mandy's roast was fucking awesome. Everyone should roast their friends. Jessica was the roastmaster and she was awesome. Mandy's parents came so she started out by saying that the reason we were all there was because these two old people fucked once. Vaginally. Lots of jokes about depression. Did you know Mandy moved to Austin hoping the sunshine would cure her depression? Didn't work. That was Jessica's joke. I had a joke about 2006 being the time Mandy cried for a whole year. I guess that's really more of a recollection than a joke. I had visual aids. Visual aids like posters and shit, not visual AIDS which is what you get when you make direct eye contact with some of the guys Mandy has tried to sleep with. That have refused to sleep with her. Dude, roasting someone who can't even get laid by some of the ugliest guys on the planet is like shooting fish in a barrel. Jessica, as the roastmaster, roasted everybody there. She said now that now that I have a kid I'll probably never utilize my writing talent or something, and she thought she might have offended me. Haha yeah right. I've beem squandering my abilities since I was like four. There were also jokes about one of our friends having intense crushes on guys and Mandy stealing them. Wait, Mandy used to be a successful boyfriend stealer? What the fuck happened??? Speaking of squandering talents, I guess thats what happens; if you don't use it you lose it. Sorry Mandy. Now Mandy is back in Austin. Lame. Now I guess I get to begin the countdown to Sabrina visiting me. I hope I get to roast Sabrina one day because I can totally use that visual AIDS joke again.
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