Sunday, June 26, 2011

Love and Marriage Love and Marriage

Jessica blogged about marriage the other day so I'm going to copy her because I'm too lazy to think for myself. Is marriage dumb? Hell yes marriage is dumb, most things American humans are into are dumb. Credit, iPhones, pets, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE RIDICULOUS, think about it. Marriage is dumb. I don't know why people get married. I don't even know why people have long term relationships. I don't know anything.
What about people who don't believe in marriage. I don't even know what that means. You don't believe in marriage? Like you don't think it exists? That's like people who say they don't believe in psychiatry. Sorry, just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not real. I think they mean they don't believe that marriage is a true way to join two souls for all of eternity, which, duh, of course it isn't. A soul isn't even a real thing, speaking of things that are and aren't real. Marriage is a contract. People who don't want to get married are the true romantic ones. They think somebody might want to be with them forever. Ha! Sorry you idiots, nobody is going to want to be with you forever. One day, they will leave you. Unexpectedly! "The heart wants what it wants," they will say. Just kidding, I hope they won't really say that. Okay anyway. When I was younger I thought I would never get married because I would never want someone to stay with me out of legal obligation. I was like 23 when I thought that. Now I'm 31 and I still actually think that, but I might not think that when I'm 81 and faced with the prospect of dying alone. I mean, I never thought I would be 30 and now I am even older than that so I guess it's time to face the fact that I might be 81 one day. Anyway, marriage is a contract. It pretty much says you started off the relationship as equals and are going to come out of it the same way. That's why if you didn't start as equals you need to have a prenup. Im married now. Hopefully I never get a divorce. My baby would hate that. I guess if I get sick of him I'll have to kill him. Just kidding. Anyway, If I do get a divorce at least I won't end up penniless because I can take half of my husbands worldly possessions. Or if I ever make something of myself he can take half of mine. He'd deserve it, for being married to the kind of person who makes jokes about killing him on the Internet.
I love when people say marriage is just a piece of paper. I don't need a piece of paper! They say. Guess what else is nothing but a piece of paper. Money. And the constitution. If you hate paper so much why don't you give me all your money. And all your books. Those are pretty much all I need in life. I love paper.
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