Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I am from the Planet Hoth

I'm wearing a weird sweater thing today, it's taupe and it is sleeveless and has giant armholes. I didn't realize how weird it was until my husband looked at me and said "i still love you, even though you are from the planet Hoth." I have no idea how to dress myself. When I was pregnant I refused to buy maternity clothes and wore shapeless shit from American Apparel instead, and leggings with the waist cut out, and empire waisted dresses from H&M. And I wore makeup. Everyday. I had to because my skin broke out so badly. That was some bullshit man, all I was doing was sleeping and eating shit like spinach salad with strawberries and macadamia nuts, my face should have looked fucking incredible. Everybody told me I was glowing. No, I'm just wearing a lot of blush. If you're pregnant and you don't wear yoga pants people will think you look amazing. You will get accolades if you put in even the smallest modicum of effort. Nobody told me how traumatizing it was going to be to get so fat. The other pregnant girls at work bitched about it too, but most of them were fat already, and looked about the same pregnant. I got FAT. My face got fat. My arms got fat. I grew hips. I had to try things on at the store because it was no longer a given that pretty much anything would look great on me. It was fucking stressful man, it was like having a perfect GPA and then getting a C. Yeah, I still looked OKAY, but I used go have a 4.0, man! I spent a good portion of the summer before I got pregnant walking around Dave's lakehouse in a bikini eating potato chips. Getting fat was horrible. Somebody should really tell you how horrible it's going to be. And I don't even know what I'm supposed to be wearing. Before I had a baby I wore whatever I wanted but now I don't want to look too nice or people will think I'm a soccer mom, or not nice enough or people will think I'm a white trash mom, I don't want to look like a mom at all, but I am a mom! Why do I think of being a mom as something gross and terrible, I love being a mom, it is fucking awesome! I don't have the money to dress like a fucking awesome mom. Maybe if I lose ten more pounds I will look fucking awesome no matter what I am wearing. I probably have an eating disorder, except I'll never have to worry about starving from it because I have no self discipline. Being a grownup is confusing.
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