Friday, June 10, 2011

Horrormones

OMG hormones. You know when girls act like fucking psychopaths and blame it on their periods? I used to think those people were liars but then I got pregnant. HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. Why didn't I blog more when I was pregnant? Oh wait, probably because I was too busy crying all the time. If I ever get pregnant again I promise I'll blog so everyone can see how crazy I am when I have woman hormones. My baby father was scared of me. One time I was so mad at him for probably no reason that I started chasing him around the house smashing shit. Glasses. This is why I'm always drinking out of water bottles, because if you let me have a glass I'll just smash it eventually. Then I ran outside in the snow in like a tanktop and underwear and tried to hide in the garage, like he was supposed to think I was running the streets all cold, crazy, and pregnant, and I think the idea was that when he went out looking for me I was going to run back into the house and deadbolt all the doors shut. Anyway it didn't work because he never came looking for me because he saw me sneak into the garage and he thought I was waiting in there to stab him. Actually I'm actually sort of proud that I can inspire a grown man to fear for his life. You know in nature how some small animals can like puff up or do weird shit to make themselves look scarier than they actually are? I was so pathetic and defenseless when i was pregnant that I achieved that goal by screaming and smashing shit and pretty much making it seem like I might be legit murderous. Like, I may be small amd cute but you better take me seriously or I might stab you to death in the garage.
Then after you have a baby hormones make you go crazy again. Here are things I cried About after having a baby:

Baby is going to be embarrassed to have a paralegal for a mother. Yes I actually cried over this. More than once. For some reason I assume that my baby is an elitist prick.

What if baby grows up to be ugly and all the other kids are mean to her? After somebody pointed out that she'd probably be pretty this turned into What if baby grows up to be too pretty and all the other kids are mean to her?

WHY ARE THE BABY'S EYES TURNING BROWN? I always thought god was dead, but now I am sure.

Homicide: Life on the street. Couldn't keep it together watching my favorite tv show from the '90s.

Seriously, it was fucking whack. Now I know why Brooke Shields got so mad when Tom Cruise talked shit about post partem depression. Fuck you Tom Cruise, I hope one day a pregnant lady stabs you in your garage.
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