Monday, June 06, 2011

Babies

Having a baby is way easier than I thought it was going to be. WAY EASIER. You know how people are always telling teenagers that having a baby isn't like having a little doll you can dress up or whatever? Those people are liars, it's pretty much exactly like that. But maybe it's only like that if you're thirty years old or older because I've seen that stupid teen mom show and none of those moms looks like they're having any fun and none of their babies look like little dolls because they are all white trash teen moms who probably didn't get prenatal care or anything and ended up having gross looking weak babies. If you're a teenager reading this who wants to have a baby your baby will be gross and sick looking if you don't wait until you can afford things like mangos and organic seaweed. I should know, I ate all that bullshit and I have the best looking baby on the planet. She looks like a fucking fat little angel that fell out of heaven.
Anyway. Having a baby. It isn't that hard! I don't know though because nothing has ever been hard for me. No that's not true, when I have to wait for things I want it's hard for me not to have a brain aneurism. But I'm pretty much good at everything I've ever done (not counting pool or handjobs). Including having a baby I guess. I'm not as tired or as fat as I thought I would be and I still have tons of awesome friends that don't have babies, and my baby is funnier and better looking than I thought she would be. I only have one friend who has a baby and I think she thought it was going to be easy because she is good at stuff like cleaning and gardening. She's Fucking crazy. One day when her baby was like three weeks old she was telling me something about steam cleaning her carpets, I pretended like I knew what she was talking about but I can't relate to that, like, at all. I can relate to that about as much as I can relate to, like, Muammar Gaddafi. I thought I would probably suck at having a baby because my strengths include incorporating the word "fuck" into my daily life as often as possible and comedic spitting. It turns out babies are super amused b comedic spitting. Who knew.
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