Thursday, June 30, 2011

I'll Be Your Witness

There's a family on the train with two girls, they're probably like 13 and 15 and the whole family is trying to think of a hobby for the younger one. Somehow they came up with golf. Anyway, the girl is not into the idea of private golf lessons because she doesn't want to be with some freak she doesn't know. I like how she already knows the golf instructor would probably be a freak. She's right! He totally would be! Now the older sister is schooling her on the facts of life. "your whole life you're going to be with some freak you don't know! When you go to college your roommate in the dorm is going to be some freak you don't know! Then you'll get a job and your boss will be some freak you don't know!" That made me laugh so hard because she's totally right. My boss is a HUGE FUCKING FREAK. There's a boy in this family too, he's probably 17 and he's pretending to be asleep. The older sister looks like an adolescent Natalie Portman but with a big nose. They decided on fencing. Is that even a thing people do? Like outside of east coast prep schools? I feel like I'm in a Wes Anderson movie sitting on the train with this family. We're in the conversation seats that face each other at the back of the car, so I am LITERALLY sitting with them. Don't ask me why I feel compelled to write down what is going on around me at all times. You know in grade school when you do group work and someone has to be the recorder and someone has to be the reporter, and someone has to be the group leader? I think my purpose in life is to be the recorder.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Mandy, at Last!

Mandy is coming this weekend YAAAAYYYAGHGhghGhG! This is very exciting because I haven't seen Mandy for six months. Do you believe that in 2004 I didn't even know her? No, I don't believe it either. Mandy and I used to live together during 2005, the year--MATERIAL REDACTED FOR USE IN THIS WEEKEND'S ROAST. Yes, that's right, we are roasting Mandy this weekend. I hope she doesn't cry like Michael Scott did at his roast. Today I printed out visual aids for the roast. You can tell how much higher education I've received by the fact that I'm bringing visual aids to a roast.
Mandy and I are also going to have brunch at Dunlay's like we used to every weekend before she moved to Austin. Brunch sounds like such a classy thing to do but i had to drag us down into the gutter by being mega hungover and wearing cheap sunglasses and crying about not having any cigarettes because I'd smoked them all the night before. Once we were at Dunlay's and there was this awesome looking chick with a baby, she was wearing the baby in this awesome sling and the baby was fucking adorable, and I was like "oh man, I would look so cute with a cute little baby in a sling at brunch, I'm going to do that one day!" then a puff of residual smoke probably came wheezing out of my disgusting lungs right in poor Mandy's face. But I think that was the first time I ever thought I might want to have a baby. Anyway, after this weekend I'll be able to cross that one off my list, eating brunch at Dunlay's with a cute ass baby.
I secretly hope Mandy will move back to Chicago. Sabrina already lived stupidly far away and now Mandy does as well. Which is why I'm forced to have a dude for a best friend. I mean, I love Dave, but sometimes when we hang out people think he's my baby father, which is fucking weird.
I met Mandy on the Internet, but we really became friends he she started dating a friend of mine. A friend of mine that went on to pee on her in a non sexual manner. Sorry Mandy. Jessica also dated that guy and that is also how I met Jessica. I should probably write that psycho a thank you card.

Happy Anniversary to Me

Three years ago right now it was my wedding day and I was so hungover I thought I could die because I got so drunk the night before that I puked in a trashcan. I have an awesome picture of all of my friends in front of the bar that night and we look like the fucking brat pack or something. My dad had a tab at the bar so we could all drink and for some reason my friends kept paying for drinks anyway.
Then I got married. It was awesome. My brother performed the ceremony and it was really short which I'm sure was awesome for all the people I invited. That was my main concern during wedding planning, will my friends leave this wedding hating me? Thats why I had an open bar and expensive food but let my friends dj instead of paying one. I also didn't throw a bouquet, cut a cake, or have a first dance. Nobody is interested in watching another person do any of that shit. I mean, I did have a first dance but didn't announce it so nobody got to watch me have my first dance to the Aphex Twin remix of Phillip Glass's version of We Could be Heroes by David Bowie.
Mandy was at my wedding and she wore a dress and got wasted. Then she moved to Austin so she could wear dresses and get wasted all the time. Sabrina was at my wedding also and kept calling the front desk at the hotel and telling them "look, the bride is being a fucking cunt and she keeps screaming about bathrobes and pineapples, can you make this happen for her before she drives us all insane?" So they kept bringing us awesome shit all weekend. I have pictures of Sabrina laying on top of the bar at my wedding. Jessica was also there. It was like a 2006 blog reunion. If I got married today I would ask Jessica to be in my wedding. If I had gotten married in 2006 I would have asked Jessica to be in my wedding. I guess we weren't that good of friends in 2008. I hope we're never not that good of friends again. I don't know why I didn ask Sabrina to be my maid of honor. Probably because Sabrina is too cool to ever be anything with the word maid in the title. I should have asked her to be my head bitch in charge. All of my friends were there and that is why it was awesome. Dave was also there and one of my friends took a video in which he drunkenly professes that I am more awesome than my husband, which was rad because before that we used to regularly argue about which one of us Dave liked more. I'm so glad I'm still friends with these people. Happy anniversary to me and my husband and all my friends because we all still like each other three years later.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I am from the Planet Hoth

I'm wearing a weird sweater thing today, it's taupe and it is sleeveless and has giant armholes. I didn't realize how weird it was until my husband looked at me and said "i still love you, even though you are from the planet Hoth." I have no idea how to dress myself. When I was pregnant I refused to buy maternity clothes and wore shapeless shit from American Apparel instead, and leggings with the waist cut out, and empire waisted dresses from H&M. And I wore makeup. Everyday. I had to because my skin broke out so badly. That was some bullshit man, all I was doing was sleeping and eating shit like spinach salad with strawberries and macadamia nuts, my face should have looked fucking incredible. Everybody told me I was glowing. No, I'm just wearing a lot of blush. If you're pregnant and you don't wear yoga pants people will think you look amazing. You will get accolades if you put in even the smallest modicum of effort. Nobody told me how traumatizing it was going to be to get so fat. The other pregnant girls at work bitched about it too, but most of them were fat already, and looked about the same pregnant. I got FAT. My face got fat. My arms got fat. I grew hips. I had to try things on at the store because it was no longer a given that pretty much anything would look great on me. It was fucking stressful man, it was like having a perfect GPA and then getting a C. Yeah, I still looked OKAY, but I used go have a 4.0, man! I spent a good portion of the summer before I got pregnant walking around Dave's lakehouse in a bikini eating potato chips. Getting fat was horrible. Somebody should really tell you how horrible it's going to be. And I don't even know what I'm supposed to be wearing. Before I had a baby I wore whatever I wanted but now I don't want to look too nice or people will think I'm a soccer mom, or not nice enough or people will think I'm a white trash mom, I don't want to look like a mom at all, but I am a mom! Why do I think of being a mom as something gross and terrible, I love being a mom, it is fucking awesome! I don't have the money to dress like a fucking awesome mom. Maybe if I lose ten more pounds I will look fucking awesome no matter what I am wearing. I probably have an eating disorder, except I'll never have to worry about starving from it because I have no self discipline. Being a grownup is confusing.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Love and Marriage Love and Marriage

Jessica blogged about marriage the other day so I'm going to copy her because I'm too lazy to think for myself. Is marriage dumb? Hell yes marriage is dumb, most things American humans are into are dumb. Credit, iPhones, pets, ALL OF THOSE THINGS ARE RIDICULOUS, think about it. Marriage is dumb. I don't know why people get married. I don't even know why people have long term relationships. I don't know anything.
What about people who don't believe in marriage. I don't even know what that means. You don't believe in marriage? Like you don't think it exists? That's like people who say they don't believe in psychiatry. Sorry, just because you don't like it doesn't mean it's not real. I think they mean they don't believe that marriage is a true way to join two souls for all of eternity, which, duh, of course it isn't. A soul isn't even a real thing, speaking of things that are and aren't real. Marriage is a contract. People who don't want to get married are the true romantic ones. They think somebody might want to be with them forever. Ha! Sorry you idiots, nobody is going to want to be with you forever. One day, they will leave you. Unexpectedly! "The heart wants what it wants," they will say. Just kidding, I hope they won't really say that. Okay anyway. When I was younger I thought I would never get married because I would never want someone to stay with me out of legal obligation. I was like 23 when I thought that. Now I'm 31 and I still actually think that, but I might not think that when I'm 81 and faced with the prospect of dying alone. I mean, I never thought I would be 30 and now I am even older than that so I guess it's time to face the fact that I might be 81 one day. Anyway, marriage is a contract. It pretty much says you started off the relationship as equals and are going to come out of it the same way. That's why if you didn't start as equals you need to have a prenup. Im married now. Hopefully I never get a divorce. My baby would hate that. I guess if I get sick of him I'll have to kill him. Just kidding. Anyway, If I do get a divorce at least I won't end up penniless because I can take half of my husbands worldly possessions. Or if I ever make something of myself he can take half of mine. He'd deserve it, for being married to the kind of person who makes jokes about killing him on the Internet.
I love when people say marriage is just a piece of paper. I don't need a piece of paper! They say. Guess what else is nothing but a piece of paper. Money. And the constitution. If you hate paper so much why don't you give me all your money. And all your books. Those are pretty much all I need in life. I love paper.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

You know Gisele? The Victoria's Secret model with the really pretty hair and super masculine looking face? Seriously, nice chin Gisele, you look just like my husband. Anyway she had a baby around the same time I did I think. With Tom Brady. I don't even know who that is. She stayed super skinny throughout her pregnancy I guess and then she made some awesome comment that was all over the Internet about how the only reason people get so fat when they're pregnant is because they turn into human garbage disposals and start shoving everything in sight into their mouths or whatever. If my mouth ever turns into a fucking garbage disposal the first thing I'm going to put in there is Gisele fucking Bundchen. Get in the trash where you belong you stupid asshole! It's bad enough that models make everybody feel like shit about themselves just by, like, existing, this one has to open her mouth and basically say yes, you feel disgusting compared to me, well you are disgusting compared to me, you fat filthy garbage eater. I can tell by looking at pictures of Giselle during her pregnancy that she didn't eat enough to properly nourish her child. I'm not fat, or a child abuser, but I think if for some weird reason I am ever faced with having to become one of those I would probably choose fat. I don't know though, I've never been a model. Milla Jovovich is a model though, and she gained tons of fucking weight when she was pregnant, she got super fucking fat. Like, the size of a normal non model person probably. She looks good now though. She's probably a good mom, too. I guess Gisele really can't blame her job, I guess she is just a terrible person who probably shouldn't have had a child since she obviously doesn't care enough about him to provide him with, like, nourishment. A basic human need. Also what kind of person tries to make pregnant women feel bad about themselves? Pregnant women are fucking awesome! They're making whole new people and it's kind of stressful and maybe they feel like they want to eat a jar of peanut butter, just let them eat a jar of peanut butter, Jesus Christ! Man, supermodels picking on pregnant ladies, what is the world coming to.

Friday, June 24, 2011


Well we have electricity again so I'm back to watching netflix and fucking around on my iPhone again, which is all I really want out of life. My brother in law read 237 pages of The Brief Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao on Wednesday and Thursday, better living through blackouts I guess. I was supposed to go to Dave's lakehouse today but I didn't because I felt like I was going to die so I decided to eat Thai food and finish the last season of nip tuck. Then I took an allegra. Holy shit. I know this shit must be working because it left me dry mouthed like all the good drugs do.
NIP TUCK. This fucking show. Did you guys watch this show? It's about plastic surgeons. There's this character Matt, he was probably like 16 during the first season. He was like a normal sixteen year old. I forget what happened first. I think he got stoned and accidentally ran someone over with his car. Then he started dating his friend's mom who turned out to be a post op transsexual but he loved her anyway but then his father fucked her and somehow made her go away forever. Then he dated a white supremacist girl. Then he ended up making friends with a trans guy that he beat up once but then he realized it was wrong but the Nazi girl's dad kidnapped Matt and the trans friend and was going to force them to cut each others dicks off but Matt escaped and killed Nazi dad and they buried him in the yard and I think nobody ever found out. Then he became a scientologist and then a meth head. That's the kind of show this is. Now he is a mime! That robs gas stations! Who got caught and went to prison, but he's too pretty! Now he is a punk or a flamer or whatever, I forgot te names of the male prison sex hierarchy. Who cares. The point is his prison husband IS MAKING HIM GET BREAST IMPLANTS. Sorry I will probably never have anything to write again because i've killed my brain watching this effing show.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Holy shit man, I have terrible allergies. Why is this happening to me? I specifically quit smoking so that I would never have to suffer any physical unpleasantries ever again. And also so I would never grow old. Also what the fuck are these birds that are awake and irritating the fuck out of me starting at 3:00 in the morning when it is still dark outside? Is this a new thing or did I just never notice it before because before I had a baby I was drunk all the time. This is some bullshit. I think I'm going to start drinking and smoking again.
I feel like shit. I have a sore throat, a cough,a runny nose, a headache, and vertigo. And my eyes hurt and keep crying tears for no reason. I wonder what I'm allergic to. Probably the fact that we have no power. Yes, my whole town has been in a blackout for over 24 hours. I'm at my parents house right now because the idea of not being able to charge my iPhone gave me a panic attack. Yes, I am pathetic.
My parents are letting me sleep in their awesome comfortable bed because I am totally spoiled even though I am thirty. Probably they're trying to make up for my terrible childhood during which I wasn't allowed to eat sugary cereals or watch tv. I don't even know where they're sleeping. In the minivan? My dad is having an end of life crisis and bought a minivan in order to relive the days when my brother and I still lived under his roof and therefore had to pretend to care about him. We didn't even have a minivan when I was a kid, we had a Toyota Corrola. I told you I had a terrible childhood. It didn't even have cup holders! Even my baby's carseat has a cupholder. I can't wait until my parents wake up so I can ask them why they didn't love me enough to let me have beverages in the car when I was a kid. No wonder as an adult I have at least two bottles of water on me at all times, I now know who to blame my insane bottled water habit on. How is it possible that I feel this shitty when I am practically bathing myself in water from a French glacier? I should feel fucking fantastic. Is all the marketing I've been exposed to over the course of my life a lie? I'm going back to bed.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

No seriously, what am I doing in life?

I don't know what to do with my life. If I look out of my window at work there's a skyscraper with a weird gold art deco penthouse on top that kind of looks like a head, and because I thought it was a romantic idea I asked it what I should do with my life every day for about a year. It never told me. I wonder if I could have a job pretending. I'm so good at pretending that I almost don't need to do anything with my life because I can just pretend I am. I mean, I talked to a building for a year. I wish I could teach a course on pretending to people who've forgotten how to do it. It's my absolute favorite thing to do and also what I am best at. There is no job of pretending.
Moving on. My second favorite thing is laughing. My ultimate fantasy is to die laughing. Like if something was so funny I could not stop laughing until I ran out of oxygen and just dropped dead. Maybe a comedian will pay me to be their muse and laugh at them all day long. After laughing I like making people laugh. When I can make people laugh I feel like I'm Jesus Fucking Christ himself. I could never do stand up because if nobody laughed at me I would probably kill myself I'm not joking.
Writing. I'm good at it but nobody is paying me to do it. That's weird. I don't want to write about anything boring. I don't want to use proper fucking English. Nobody is going to pay me to write anything and that's a damn shame.
Reading. Actually I'm better at reading than I am at writing. I'm better at reading than I am at pretending even. Reading taught me how to do all of that. Books are my father my best friend and my god. If anybody wants to clue me in on where the good jobs reading are that would be excellent.

Monday, June 20, 2011

On Breastfeeding

I breastfeed my baby. Still. She's almost one. Is that gross? NO THAT'S NOT GROSS. When I first had her I used to lurk on a lot of message boards (message boards are so weird. No matter the topic they all seem to adhere to like the same weird culture of message boards) and there were actually moms on these boards that would say shit like that breastfeeding is disgusting and or sexual. I totally get it when men think breastfeeding is terrible, men think all kinds of weird things, like that it's a good idea to force someone to have sex with them, or that people want to see pictures of their dicks. Not sure why a lady would think that breastfeeding is disgusting. Probably because someone was breastfeeding in a restaurant one time and her pervy husband couldn't look away. Update: the gross lecherous dude you married is the disgusting one. If you don't want to breastfeed because you think tits are for sex I hope you had a c section and didn't molest your baby by making it come out of your gross sex vagina that is for sex only. I also hope if you're one of those depraved people who uses your mouth during sexx0r that you're not using it for anything else later, like eating. Because why would you want a body part to have a myriad of uses when you could use it for one thing only? This one lady on the message board said her tits belonged to her husband. Yikes. That's the creepiest shit I've ever heard in my life. I'm kind of embarrassed I'm admitting that I used to be obsessed with pregnancy message boards. I don't know why I should be embarrassed about that, maybe I'll think about that and write about it later. The last time I read the message board was the first time I commented, because I could not keep my big mouth shut anymore when some stupid idiot was going on about how gross and yucky breastfeeding is and I had to ask her if she planned to explicitly teach her daughter to hate her own body or if she was hoping she would just learn that through observation. I knew I could never go back after that because I was probably banned for being such a bitch, BUT IT WAS A SERIOUS QUESTION!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

What am I doing with my life

Did I tell you I'm a paralegal? Ok, my name is Erin and I'm a paralegal. Get it, like if i was an alcoholic but worse even, because drinking is cool and having a dumb job isn't cool?I've been one for like three years and just recently started admitting it on the Internet because I am super fucking embarrased about my shitty job. I work at a foreclosure law office. Sometimes I think I would rather have sex for money thank work at my terrible job, but I don't want to be killed, and it seems like sex workers get killed a lot, so back to reality back to life, I guess. Although sometimes I'm surprised nobody has broken into our law office and started shooting people. I wouldn't really care if that happened as long as I didn't get killed, which is how much I don't like that job. If I survived a workplace massacre would I be able to claim post traumatic stress and collect disability? I say claim because I am guessing I would actually be fine afterwards and not actually traumatized. It would probably be like watching people die in a video game, except a video game full of people you already wished were dead. I'm exaggerating, I like the people I work with, if they were all killed by a deranged lunatic I would probably feel cognitive dissonance about being so filled with joy at such a terrible time.
You know what, this post is going to ruin my life because nobody that read it would probably hire me. That's fucked up. It's like ra the rugged man says in that one song: the president of the company don't care of you're dead or if you're bleeding. He doesn't! But then you are supposed to care about him not getting shot up by a crazy mortgagor or whatever. NOT. It is also bullshit that businesses want you to give then two weeks notice when you quit. Are they going to give me two weeks notice when they lay me off? Probably not. And you know what happens when I get laid off? I probably eat ramen noodles and cry for a month. But guess what happens when I quit, nothing, they get some other dummy to do my stupid job. Fucken bullshit, mang.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Happy Birthday, Baby

What do people get their babies when they are one year old? I'm thinking a bucket swing for the yard, can you drill one of those things into a tree branch? I love swings. When I was little my parents got me a swingset and I used to swing all day and I told my parents it was my manifest destiny to win gold medals in the sport of swinging, and they laughed and said there was no such thing. If my kid ever tells me it's her manifest destiny to play on a swingset I am going to sign her up to learn the flying trapeze. Too bad I'm not my own mom, I would probably be a member of cirque du soleil by now instead of a Fucking paralegal. I will never tell my kid there is no such thing. Thanks a lot mom and dad. There is never no such thing! 
My mom also told me I wouldn't like being a literary agent. I'm not sure what she  thought I wouldn't like, the reading part or the schmoozing part. Two of my favorite things! I'm starting to wonder if my mom secretly hates me and wants to sabotage my life. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The Burbs

Remember that movie the burbs? That is an awesome movie. The suburbs are fucking weird. I should know, because I live in them now, and it's like a fucking John Cheever novel. Like I'm involved in some sort of vendetta with my next door neighbors for no reason. The lady doesn't like my dog and I don't like her stupid fucking face. She drives a stupid SUV with a sticker that says coexist on it, like where the "t" is a cross and the "x" is a star of David etc. Yeah right, this dumb bitch can't even coexist with me. I should ask her if it's because I'm Jewish and tell her to take that fucking sticker off her car. People in the suburbs are fucking crazy. My mom wants me to make friends with these people, NO THANKS. They're all like 45 and it's not like that's just some random number it's the number of years you've been alive, so whoever said age ain't nothing but a number (probably R Kelly) can fuck off. Although I am making friends with all of the elderly people. Being friends with super old people is like being friends with a story book. If you let them talk they will start telling you some of the craziest shit you've heard.

The suburbs just feel weird. Even the air is weird. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm in the past and the future at the same time. Sometimes it makes me think I'm not real. Sometimes I think I'm definitely the weirdest person on the block but then other times I think about how secretly weird all my neighbors probably are. I want to climb in through their windows and go through all their things. Don't worry, I'm not going to.

Friday, June 10, 2011


OMG hormones. You know when girls act like fucking psychopaths and blame it on their periods? I used to think those people were liars but then I got pregnant. HOLY SHIT, Y'ALL. Why didn't I blog more when I was pregnant? Oh wait, probably because I was too busy crying all the time. If I ever get pregnant again I promise I'll blog so everyone can see how crazy I am when I have woman hormones. My baby father was scared of me. One time I was so mad at him for probably no reason that I started chasing him around the house smashing shit. Glasses. This is why I'm always drinking out of water bottles, because if you let me have a glass I'll just smash it eventually. Then I ran outside in the snow in like a tanktop and underwear and tried to hide in the garage, like he was supposed to think I was running the streets all cold, crazy, and pregnant, and I think the idea was that when he went out looking for me I was going to run back into the house and deadbolt all the doors shut. Anyway it didn't work because he never came looking for me because he saw me sneak into the garage and he thought I was waiting in there to stab him. Actually I'm actually sort of proud that I can inspire a grown man to fear for his life. You know in nature how some small animals can like puff up or do weird shit to make themselves look scarier than they actually are? I was so pathetic and defenseless when i was pregnant that I achieved that goal by screaming and smashing shit and pretty much making it seem like I might be legit murderous. Like, I may be small amd cute but you better take me seriously or I might stab you to death in the garage.
Then after you have a baby hormones make you go crazy again. Here are things I cried About after having a baby:

Baby is going to be embarrassed to have a paralegal for a mother. Yes I actually cried over this. More than once. For some reason I assume that my baby is an elitist prick.

What if baby grows up to be ugly and all the other kids are mean to her? After somebody pointed out that she'd probably be pretty this turned into What if baby grows up to be too pretty and all the other kids are mean to her?

WHY ARE THE BABY'S EYES TURNING BROWN? I always thought god was dead, but now I am sure.

Homicide: Life on the street. Couldn't keep it together watching my favorite tv show from the '90s.

Seriously, it was fucking whack. Now I know why Brooke Shields got so mad when Tom Cruise talked shit about post partem depression. Fuck you Tom Cruise, I hope one day a pregnant lady stabs you in your garage.

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Smash Cake

Does anybody know what a smash cake is? I think it might be one of those things youve never heard of until you have a baby. Like vaginal ultrasounds. Anyway I just found out what a smash cake is, it's a cake for a baby to smash on it's first birthday. You know, because they don't know how to use a fork or anything so they just smash it everywhere I guess. Is this stupid? I kind of feel like this is stupid. If I just give my baby a piece of the cake everybody else is eating does that make me a lame mom? Like when she is five is she going to ask me what flavor smash cake she had at her first birthday and when I say she didn't have one will she hate me? Maybe she'll grow up to be a bleeding heart hippie five year old and she would hate me if I DID buy her a smash cake, like what a frivolous thing to do when there are so many Hungry babies in the favelas of brazil. Or, like, the slums in America for that matter. That's what I'll tell her, 'your smash cake was chocolate, and I sent it to Flint Michigan so some poor family could experience the inanity of a special cake just for their baby.' To tell you the truth, I don't even really want her eating a piece of the cake everybody else is eating, she's already fat enough.

Did you think I was serious? I'm not that fucking crazy.

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Benzoyl Peroxide, FTW!

I ordered proactiv yesterday. Because even though I'm an old mom I still have hormonal breakouts all the time, WTF. You should have seen me when I was pregnant, it was fucking terrible. You know how they say when you're pregnant you get like beautiful skin and hair? That's a fucking lie. My skin and hair looked great like the ninth month when it didn't matter because I was too fat to fit through the front door, the other eight months my face looked terrible and I had to wear makeup every single day. And I was scared to wash my face with anything that might help because I didn't want to have a flipper baby. Anyway now that the baby has been out for like a year I am going to start poisoning myself with proactiv again because looks are all I care about.
Proactiv is terrible. It bleaches all your pillowcases and towels and everything. So that can't be good to have on your face. But on the other hand, Justin Beiber uses it, and that kid looks like a paradigm of health and vitality.
Anyway, I can't wait till my shitty proactiv comes in the mail. The fact that I still have terrible skin at my advanced age is probably karma for something terrible I did. I'm going to use that as a scare tactic for my daughter when she gets older. Like if she asks me if I've ever done ecstasy before or something. "yes I have, and that is why I look like this."

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Monday, June 06, 2011


Having a baby is way easier than I thought it was going to be. WAY EASIER. You know how people are always telling teenagers that having a baby isn't like having a little doll you can dress up or whatever? Those people are liars, it's pretty much exactly like that. But maybe it's only like that if you're thirty years old or older because I've seen that stupid teen mom show and none of those moms looks like they're having any fun and none of their babies look like little dolls because they are all white trash teen moms who probably didn't get prenatal care or anything and ended up having gross looking weak babies. If you're a teenager reading this who wants to have a baby your baby will be gross and sick looking if you don't wait until you can afford things like mangos and organic seaweed. I should know, I ate all that bullshit and I have the best looking baby on the planet. She looks like a fucking fat little angel that fell out of heaven.
Anyway. Having a baby. It isn't that hard! I don't know though because nothing has ever been hard for me. No that's not true, when I have to wait for things I want it's hard for me not to have a brain aneurism. But I'm pretty much good at everything I've ever done (not counting pool or handjobs). Including having a baby I guess. I'm not as tired or as fat as I thought I would be and I still have tons of awesome friends that don't have babies, and my baby is funnier and better looking than I thought she would be. I only have one friend who has a baby and I think she thought it was going to be easy because she is good at stuff like cleaning and gardening. She's Fucking crazy. One day when her baby was like three weeks old she was telling me something about steam cleaning her carpets, I pretended like I knew what she was talking about but I can't relate to that, like, at all. I can relate to that about as much as I can relate to, like, Muammar Gaddafi. I thought I would probably suck at having a baby because my strengths include incorporating the word "fuck" into my daily life as often as possible and comedic spitting. It turns out babies are super amused b comedic spitting. Who knew.

Yan Can Cook

Remember that show "Yan Can Cook?" Probably not you're probably not old like I am or if you are you probably didn't choose to watch crappy cooking shows as a child even though your parents had every cable channel known to man. Seriously we had three different HBOs and I was watching Yan Can Cook every day and not even because I wanted to learn how to cook, but because I thought Yan's accent was hilarious. Anway. I can cook too. I just made an awesome and delicious drink and I'm going to share it with you. No I don't have a picture, I don't feel like posting one from my phone (because I don't remember how and I'm too lazy to google it). Haha too lazy to google it. I'm an embarrassment to the human race. Anyway, it looks like a strawberry margarita so you can just picture that.


1 tiny watermelon or whatever they call those watermelons that are a third the size of a normal one. I think mine said personal watermelon on it but I can't see a person eating that whole thing. Get a seedless one. Cut it up and put it in the blender.

1/2 a jalapeno. You can seed it it you want. Throw it in the blender with the watermelon.

1 lime or lemon. You can squeeze it in the blender or pull the rid off and throw the rest in. I did the latter. I used a lemon because I had one but a lime would probably be better.

Do you like sweet things? Put in some sugar or agave nectar or sweet in low (if you're my grandma) whatever. Do you like weird things? I like weird things, if I had basil I probably would have used some.

Throw some tequill up in that piece. Or don't. BLEND.


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Sunday, June 05, 2011

Trying to blog more

Bought two tiny watermelons today so I can make watermelon and jalapeno slushies tomorrow. So that is what I'm going to do tomorrow, sit on my porch and drink delicious slushies all day. I don't work on Mondays because I hated my job and my boss so much I couldn't stand going in there every day. In case you didn't know I have the most boring job ever and I'm pretty sure my boss didn't even go to college. She would probably argue with that statement because she has her paralegal certificate, so that's the kind of person I'm dealing with, the kind of person who considers a certificate program "college." I know I should try not to think I'm better than other people or whatever, but I work with this lady every day and its impossible for me to deny that I'm superior to her in every way. Anyway, I spent $90k on a graduate education I'm not using at all, for anything, besides feeling superior to other people, so please let me keep using it for at least that one thing. Also if I've offended you you dont need to tell me I'm the dumb one for wasting all my money, I already spend way to much time trying to pretend that isn't true. I've truly mastered the art of self deception. Like, when I eat dates I pretend they're Madagascar hissing cockroaches, because they taste really good for cockroaches, and it distracts me from the fact that they taste terrible as non insect food. I'm really good at lying to myself. Anyway the whole point of this story is that I'm super pumped to make watermelon jalapeno drinks tomorrow. If anybody else has a fucking psychotic lunatic for a boss you should call in tomorrow, throw a watermelon and a jalapeno in the blender, a lime, maybe some mint, fuck it, pour in some tequila, and call your boss and tell her everyone wishes she were dead.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

this town needs an enema

Did I ever tell you guys that my brother in law lives with me like 40% of the time? Yeah he stays with his mom the rest of the time but I live way closer to his seasonal job so he stays at my house like three nights a week because why would he want to commute when he can stay at my house and I order food half the time and pay for it and I have netflix and he can smoke weed on my back porch all night. That sounds good, right? You should all come stay with me! I'm not being sarcastic, I love having people stay at my house. I was probably an underground railroad operator in a past life.
Anyway, this morning I wanted to use his car to pick up Dave from the train station so he could babysit my baby and I could be on time to work, but this jackass wouldn't let me use it because he felt like it was going to potentially cause HIM to be late to work, which, hello, he would be late to work every day if he wasn't living at my house because he'd have like a 3 hour commute. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with people. And I was already pissed at him anyway because he told me I was white trash for eating soft serve ice-cream. You guys, he was eating SHERBET when he told me this. SHERBET. Next time that lazy motherfucker comes to my house I'm going to put an enema in his fucking chewing tobacco chaw bullshit. Yes I know an enema goes in the butt and what I am talking about is a laxative, I just like the word enema, okay? Remember Bat Dance?

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

When Harry met Sally

Today I was talking to Mandy about what she called some when Harry met Sally bullshit, aka when your dude friend tells you he likes you likes you. Pretty sure the first time I heard the phrase LIKE-like it was on the wonder years, and pretty sure the situation (the Kevin Arnold - Winnie Cooper situation) ended poorly. As did every situation in which a dude tells his chick friend he wants to be more than friends, am I right? I don't know, you tell me, did you tell your chick friend you liked her and it turned out fucking great? Yeah probably not. What a terrible fucking situation. And I am way to immature to deal with it with any type of honesty, i usually throw a drink all over myself to give myself an excuse to leave and then when I come back I pretend like nothing happened. Yeah, I am a coward. I would light myself on fire in order to put an end to a scene like that. Seriously, I could exit that scene with more grace ON FUCKING FIRE than I could if I tried to deal with it like a grownup. I can't wait until my daughter asks me for advice on this and I can be like 'spill something and GTFO, why do you think I always have a water bottle with me?" it's not a beverage, it's a parachute.
Anyway. All of mandy's friends love her now. She can't blog about it but I can blog about it, HAHahaha! Stupid dudez. Why do they think professing their love for their chick friends is a good idea? It's a terrible idea! Girls can bang whoever they want, if they wanted to bang you they wouldn't be friends with you! And she already knows you want to have sex with her anyway, you want to have sex with everyone! She has spent the whole friendship pretending I wasn't so and now you've spoiled everything! Stupid.
Ok, listen, if you are friends with me or probably any other girl you better never tell me you have a secret crush on me unless you are really sure I have a crush on you back. Like REALLY sure. Not like last time we were eating Thai food you thought maybe I looked at you more than usual. Probably a situation in which you could be sure would be if I had sex with you and then later didn't try to pretend it never happened.
All those movies where the best friends end up in love, those movies lied to you. Thats why they are movies, because guess who writes movies, fucking nerds. And they write movies about shit that never happens in real life, like Jonah Hill dating Emma Stone. Sorry Seth Rogan, pretty sure you never dated Emma Stone.
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