Monday, January 31, 2011

Happy valentines month

I love valentines day. Remember exchanging cards in grade school? I used to search through the whole box of cards like a true psycho to find the perfect one to give whoever I had a crush on at the time. I choo choose you. 
I used to have super hardcore crushes when I was a kid, like they would last for years. I had a crush on a kid named Joey White when I was five and I still wonder what happened to that kid but I guess I will never find out because his name is fucking JOEY WHITE. Yeah, I said it: if that kid's name was less common I would totally stalk him down on facebook like a total creep because I STILL probably have a crush on him. I think I still have a crush on everyone I've ever had a crush on. 

The other day a married friend of mine was talking about how her friend who also is married is having some kind of crisis because she simultaneously does and doesn't want to cheat on her husband. My friend told me she tried to make her feel better by pretending she had had a crush on someone once. Holy shit man, I'm married too and if I can't find someone to have a crush on I will make someone up. I've had crushes on people who read this blog who I've never even seen. If being married means I'm not supposed to have a crush on anyone ever I don't think I even want to live anymore. Happy valentines month.

Friday, January 28, 2011

What, no pictures?

Hey errbody, imma tell you about mandy's date. My friend and yours, Miss Mandy, went on a date with a guy from okcupid. First of all this guy only has one picture in his profile. That means he is probably ugly and also boring. It's like a headshot in front of a wall of records. What the fuck is so cool about records anyway. I'll tell you what that picture means, it means 'I don't have any money but I'll be happy to talk down to you while you buy me drinks.' Actually this guy did buy Mandy drinks, a margarita, an Irish coffee and something else. I guess Mandy was so bored on this date she wanted to make herself throw up for sport. An Irish coffee and a margarita? Yikes. Later he went to her house and brought a box of triscuits. Oh wait no that was Cody (friend of mandy's, not the dude from step by step). This dude brought nothing. Oh yeah, also look what his profile says: "I'm good at expressing complex thoughts rather succinctly and in easy language." I discovered this when I used my fake okcupid account to stalk him down like a true psycho. Anyway, then he kissed her in such a weird and terrible way that even one sex partner Mandy recognized it as weird and terrible. And then later he texted her and told her she has horrible emotional problems, except he said it like this 'u r obvs emotionally disturbed.' I guess that's the succinct language he was talking about. I give mandy's date 2 stars, one for effort, one because at least he didn't use emoticons. 

Monday, January 17, 2011

hello world. sorry i don't write here any more but it's for your own good. i have a baby now. if i wrote on here it would probably be about shit like how my baby is better than any other baby and how when my baby is older if any other kids are mean to her i plan to get revenge by sleeping with their dads. well anyway, i wrote on the internet the other day, and i loved it, so i guess too bad for you. too bad for you if you don't want to hear about things like how i am trying to learn to communicate with my baby THROUGH TELEPATHY. what did i write for the internet, you might ask? just a yelp review of the bleeding heart bakery. an AWESOME review, in which i used the line MOTHERFUCKING HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE WOULD NOT HAVE EATEN THAT CAKE. do you see how i am incorporating cosby humor into my life? THAT IS ALL FOR YOU LITTLE BABY. I AM MOTHER OF THE YEAR. I will also sum up my review of the bleeding heart bakery for you in case you were thinking of going: Snotty staff, subpar baked goods, turns shit green. By shit I mean feces, not, like, general miscellany. Actually though I recommend going there just so you can write a yelp review. The owner responds to like every review, like if you don't like her stupid bakery she will call you a psychopath and accuse you of attacking her. She gets so pissed she misspells everything.
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