Thursday, January 29, 2009


so i woke up this morning and i asked myself DID I DREAM I HAD A THREESOME WITH THESE GUYS FROM GOSSIP GIRL?

because it seemed like i dreamed that, but also like i definitely did not dream that. OH SHIT, I KNOW I DID NOT DREAM I WAS ONE OF THEM, FUCKING THE OTHER ONE OF THEM. oh yes i did. FAGGOTRY! in case you wondered i was the cuter and more boring one in my dream. this is one of those times i thank the fucking gods that i am a girl. if i was a dude i would probably be on the sex offender registry by now. or at least i would be seriously reevaluating my life.

well hello there.

i wonder if it is a problem that i am a seventeen year old sexually confused male in my dreams. actually i wasn't that confused, i think the chuck was kind of confused, but i helped him figure shit out. oh my god i am a latent pederast.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


today i was talking to dave at work and i got a text from mandy that john updike died. my first thought was, who cares, because caring when somebody you don't know dies is stupid. i learned that at a young age when kurt cobain died and every loser i went to school with wore black. STOP CRYING ABOUT KURT COBAIN, YOU ARE 12 YEARS OLD. but then i thought more about john updike and i realized that he is one of the only writers i like that is still writing books, like all the time, which even if not every one of them is as good as rabbit run they are still all probably better than whatever else people are writing these days. so i guess that fucking sucks. all of the other writers i like are either dead or they only write a book like every ten years. which really pisses me off because seriously once you're written three or four books how hard can it really be? STOP SLACKING.

i feel like for some reason the only writers that put shit out regularly are writers that fucking suck. like chuck palahniuk, it seems like every time i go to borders that fucker has a new book, and i usually buy it, and they usually suck. fool me twice shame on me i guess. the last book i read by him was rant, and let me tell you it fucking sucked. i thought it was about a serial killer, but it turned out it was about time travel and magic, basically harry potter, if harry potter talked about pussy more. GAY. it was also written from the points of view of like 70 different people, except i guess nobody told chuck palahniuk that he is a shit writer and doesn't know how to use more than one narrative voice. something else that nobody ever told him is that most of the people who read his books are not smart enough to figure out how to pronounce his name, fuck even i have no idea how you pronounce that shit and i am basically a god damn genius. TIME TO GET A PEN NAME.

i am reading a book of common prayer by joan didion right now, which is awesome, even though i usually try to avoid reading books with the word prayer in the title. too bad joan didion has only written FIVE BOOKS and she is probably going to die any day now, i mean seriously, look at her

anyway, john updike. i remember the first time i read the a&p, i guess this story is pretty much about nothing which is the best kind because then you can think about it however you like. what i thought about it was that life starts disappointing you when you are 14 and it never stops until you become a shell of a person. except it doesn't stop then either, you just don't notice anymore. which i guess is depressing except the other nice thing about stories about nothing is that everybody experiences nothing little boring situations every day, and if you think about them like a story they can all be beautiful. so thanks for that, mr. updike.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

dave's scarf

dave stupidly left his scarf with me at the empty bottle this weekend. he carries this scarf around like a talisman all winter so i pretended like i lost it and proceeded to take a picture of everyone at the bar wearing it.

hey can i take a picture of you wearing this scarf under a sign that says booty clown?

i think i am going to start carrying props around with me to photograph strangers with all the time because people seriously loved it, and i aim to please. this guy is not actually a stranger though, and he is in a perpetual state of bliss anyway.

this girl is a stranger, and she looks pretty excited.

i am going to print all these pictures out and fax one to dave at work every fifteen minutes. i should probably write messages on all of them. I HAZ YOUR SKARFF.

orange is probably not this guy's color.

this is jenn, she is the drummer for tyler john tyler. say hi to jenn and her blue glasses. HI JENN. tyler john tyler is a real person. yes, there is an actual person named that, ya heard? the real tyler john tyler says i smell like freedom. we couldn't find the real tjt at this time which sucked because he probably would have done something amazing with this scarf. like made love to it.

this is becca, also in tyler john tyler. i think the real tjt left after they played because he probably didn't want to know what was going to happen next. last time they played what happened next was the most horrible band i've ever seen. it had like eight people in it. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THE WU TANG CLAN? they all stood in a line and did annoying things into their respective microphones. such as playing the saxophone, or screaming.

i think the whole reason i was wearing dave's scarf in the first place was because i decided to wear a tank top to the bar even though it was negative four degrees. being a grown up is fucking awesome because if you don't want to dress in a weather appropriate manner nobody is going to make you.

this guy kind of looks like dave, same hair, same cardigan. plus he was already wearing an orange scarf. maybe they're brothers, i don't think anybody really knows for sure what dave's dad was up to in the seventies.

this guy doesn't look that excited about me taking his picture, but he does look like he might be about to blow up a building.

this busted ass version of ryan gosling absolutely did not want to wear this scarf. OH, YOU WANT TO, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW THAT YOU WANT TO. i should write him a missed connections. I SAW YOU at the empty bottle. i made you wear my friend's scarf.

this guy on the other hand was super excited to wear it. look at him, he's glowing.

a lot of these people have weird facial hair.

nice bangs dude. this guy looks like he gets his eyebrows professionaly groomed but cuts his hair at home. i cut my hair at home too but i actually look in the mirror while i'm doing it. just kidding, this guy was nice. i mean, i don't remember if he was nice, but he looks like he probably was.

jay z has these same reading glasses.

this guy probably knew i was going to talk shit about all of these people on my blog so he hid his face. is he giving me a thumbs up?? seriously though, i love all of these people, except for the busted ryan gosling, who i hate. i'm sure he hates me more because i harassed him for ten minutes until he finally put the fucking scarf on. seriously dude, why are you trying to rain on my parade?

this guy must watch america's next top model because he knows not to let his beauty overtake the scarf as the focal point of the photograph.

i don't really have anything to say about the rest of these.

this guy looks pretty natural in a bears scarf. is he wearing mascara?

here's kristina, making the bears scarf look elegant.

if it wasn't so cold i would keeps dave's scarf for a whole week. i would send him a postcard from his scarf. WISH YOU WERE HERE.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009


i went to delphos ohio this weekend. if you want to know what is in delphos ohio, the answer is NOTHING. i wanted to go there because my uncle's dead body is there. isn't that so gross? dead bodies being buried places? next time you go to a cemetery make sure you think about how all the people are under there with all their little clothes and shoes. do they even put shoes on dead bodies? i have no idea. but make sure you think about all their clothes, and how the people buried in 2008 are wearing 2008 clothes but they are buried next to people in, like, 1916 clothes. that is what i think about. i don't even know what people used to wear in 1916. probably tiny clothes, weren't people a lot smaller then? anyway apparently my dad and brother made plans to go to delphos and they didn't invite me because they are assholes, but then of course my brother flaked out on that plan, but HA HA me and mandy had our own plan to go there, LOOK WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON GOING TO DELPHOS NOW, THE ONE WHO WASN'T INVITED. i told my dad he could meet us there because i am a wonderful and munificent person. my dad wanted to stop at his friend's house along the way because nobody had been able to get ahold of this friend and my dad thought maybe he had shot himself in the head or something so he wanted to go there, i guess because my dad likes discovering suicide victims once per year. anyway me and mandy ended up driving with my dad, pretty much because i thought i could write a great short story about that, driving to delphos and finding a suicide along the way. like maybe my dad would have to clean the blood off of everything with paper towels and i could write about all the balled up paper towels, tinged with pink and gently unfurling, like peonies. i guess i am going to have to save that line for a different story because his friend was fine. i guess. except when my dad said he was glad he was fine he said something like 'i'm not really.'

my dad is hilarious. when we got to the microtel inn in delphos he asked the 16 year old behind the counter if there was 'a nice place where we can get a steak and a martini.' she said no so we went to this place called the rusty buggy. they did make us martinis there but i don't think the lady ever made one before because we asked for them straight up and they came to the table in tiny goblets full of ice. then the waitress showed us pictures of her kids austin and nadine, and told us that when they when they go off to college she would like to study graphic design in paris. then we went to a bar and my dad told us his philosophy on obscenity, which is that nobody is offended by the word fuck anymore so people are going to have to come up with new swearing, and his example was, i'm not even kidding, THROW A JEW IN THE OVEN. my mom is a jew.

the next day we went to the awesomest antique store ever and mandy found a sign that said slag on it. for some reason it cost $62, i probably should have bought it anyway.

i bought a dress for two dollars, i can't tell if it's a prom dress or 1950s loungerie but it was only TWO DOLLARS. then my dad bought me a christmas ornament that said 1979 on it because that is how old i am, one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine years old.

also i forgot about how we got lost in chesterton indiana and some guy got all pissed at us because we stopped in the middle of the highway, and then when we went to the gas station to get directions the angry guy was there BUYING ROOT BEER AND MILK and he gave us FAKE DIRECTIONS. then he came back out and gave us real directions because he 'wasn't pissed at us no more.' i should have told him to go throw another jew in the oven but i don't even know if that would offend anybody in indiana.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

it's a fucking valuable thing

i am reading the red eye right now, the stupidest newspaper ever. the only reason this stupid paper is even in my house is because it's free and i like to do the crossword because it is so easy it makes me feel like a goddamn genius. this paper was created for young people who are too stupid to read a real newspaper, it is like thirty pages and has articles about things like what to do if you are dating a twentysomething divorcee or where you can buy perfume for your dog. anyway today there is an article in there about kuma's, the best restaurant ever, and the new FUCKING BLAGOJEVICH BURGER which is a giant hamburger with bologna all over it ON A BUN MADE OUT OF GRILLED CHEESE SANDWHICHES. of course mandy told me about this burger yesterday which is the whole problem with newspapers, every time i read one i am like I ALREADY SAW THIS YESTERDAY, ON THE INTERNET. mandy said it was called the fucking valuable burger, which is actually a way better name than the fucking blagojevich burger. i guess when i go to kuma's this week that is what i am going to ask for. the fucking valuable burger. usually when i go there i get the goblin cock which is a giant hamburger with a giant hotdog on top of it, but does the goblin cock come on a bun made out of grilled cheese sandwhiches, NO. i have to order the most disgusting thing on the menu every time i go there, because one of the great loves of my life is eating six pounds of calamari and a hamburger with a hotdog on top of it and getting fanfare for it.

Monday, January 05, 2009


i am watching gossip girl in the name of research. so far i am learning a lot about dressing like a whore. i can watch all the shitty tv shows i want and nobody can make fun of me because i am writing a tv show. actually mandy is writing a tv show, i am getting drunk and yelling out ideas. hopefully one day we will actually film our shitty tv show and the four people readings this can watch it on here. hopefully i can get that idiot i married to play me, here is his impersonation.

this is the part where if mandy had one on her flickr i would show you a picture of the most annoying asian chick ever. i guess it is probably racist of me to characterize her as asian for no reason but i don't care because she spent twenty minutes that night talking about how she worked at a jew camp and hates jews. wait, what is a jew camp? DO YOU MEAN A CONCENTRATION CAMP? do you know how hard it was for me to not say that out loud? pretty fucking hard.

anyway, i have not been up to shit besides becoming one of the legion of fucking douche ass losers who sits in a bar and writes things down in a notebook, i guess 2009 is the year i start to annoy even my own self.

here is a picture of me ringing in the new year with sabrina and colin. i am obviously talking about something fascinating because colin is playing with his iphone. you can't tell but i was wearing a giant hair clip with feathers and sequins on it. those are my goals for 2009. write a shitty tv show and channel daisy buchannon.
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