Wednesday, March 04, 2009

you're right, i'm so stupid, i should have sent the fillings to cash for gold.

seriously how did i not think of that myself. that commercial is only on ten thousand times a day. and i guess people must be super poor now because it is not just on during the day. when you see a cash for gold commercial during prime time viewing hours you are pretty much living during the great depression.

i really hate that commercial. the people on it are so amazed that gold is worth money. YOU MEAN GOLD IS WORTH MONEY??? do they really say that in that commercial, or am i just remembering this wrong because that's what i say every time i see it. i feel like they might really say that because that is how stupid the writers of this commercial think that people are. a four year old knows that gold is worth money.

sign me up to put a bunch of gold in an envelope and stick it in the mail. my mailman steals my mail all the time. mandy sent me a postcard with a man who went blind from art on it and he even stole that. i would have thought the only person who would want that postcard was me, i guess i am not as unique and wonderful as i thought i was. after i am done writing this i am going to write a short film about my mailman having a serious mental dilemma about whether or not he should steal the giant envelope made out to cash for gold.

Monday, March 02, 2009

the number 13

today i got a letter from a guy named jason voorhees. woah! i said. I JUST GOT A LETTER FROM JASON VOORHEES! nobody in my office knew what i was talking about. what is wrong with these people? i had to call the one attorney that wears fingerless gloves to court and put him on speaker so that i could tell him i got a letter from jason because i felt alienated from society due to the people in my office being such idiots. seriously, in a room full of four people more than one of them should know who jason is. didn't a a new friday the 13th movie come out like 20 days ago, are these people not living in the same america that i am living in?

i don't even know what is supposed to be so scary about the number 13. i was born on the 13th so of course it is my favorite number because i am obsessed with myself. i also work on the 13th floor. which is weird now that i think of it, i am not sure if buildings are even supposed to have a 13th floor. is this a dream? AM I EVEN REAL? i guess i am not dreaming because i would definitely be able to tell. in my last dream that i remember i lived in a castle in the middle of the sea and i had a rooster following me around speaking portuguese and in the one before that i was chace crawford. nobody ever works in my dreams, next time i have one i am going to ask somebody where the money comes from, maybe i can get some ideas. actually i don't even know if i have ever seen money in a dream. it is like my dreams are utopia. except for the forty percent of them in which there are dead animal carcasses everywhere and i keep trying to go around them but i can't because they are falling from the sky and growing from the ground. i should ask my psychiatrist what that means.

yes i go to a psychiatrist, mostly because my mom is one of those people who think that everyone in the world needs to go to a psychiatrist. also because i think it is romantic to go there. i will even dress up for it. i don't mean dress up like dress nice, i mean dress up like a character. stilfled fifties woman of means! a pauvre daisy buchannon! alice in wonderland if she was 20! my psychiatrist think i am absolutely delightful. last time i was there i told him that i wanted to believe in heaven and he laughed and told me i was just not stupid enough for that and i was like no shit, right?
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