Wednesday, January 21, 2009

ohio

i went to delphos ohio this weekend. if you want to know what is in delphos ohio, the answer is NOTHING. i wanted to go there because my uncle's dead body is there. isn't that so gross? dead bodies being buried places? next time you go to a cemetery make sure you think about how all the people are under there with all their little clothes and shoes. do they even put shoes on dead bodies? i have no idea. but make sure you think about all their clothes, and how the people buried in 2008 are wearing 2008 clothes but they are buried next to people in, like, 1916 clothes. that is what i think about. i don't even know what people used to wear in 1916. probably tiny clothes, weren't people a lot smaller then? anyway apparently my dad and brother made plans to go to delphos and they didn't invite me because they are assholes, but then of course my brother flaked out on that plan, but HA HA me and mandy had our own plan to go there, LOOK WHO IS THE ONLY PERSON GOING TO DELPHOS NOW, THE ONE WHO WASN'T INVITED. i told my dad he could meet us there because i am a wonderful and munificent person. my dad wanted to stop at his friend's house along the way because nobody had been able to get ahold of this friend and my dad thought maybe he had shot himself in the head or something so he wanted to go there, i guess because my dad likes discovering suicide victims once per year. anyway me and mandy ended up driving with my dad, pretty much because i thought i could write a great short story about that, driving to delphos and finding a suicide along the way. like maybe my dad would have to clean the blood off of everything with paper towels and i could write about all the balled up paper towels, tinged with pink and gently unfurling, like peonies. i guess i am going to have to save that line for a different story because his friend was fine. i guess. except when my dad said he was glad he was fine he said something like 'i'm not really.'

my dad is hilarious. when we got to the microtel inn in delphos he asked the 16 year old behind the counter if there was 'a nice place where we can get a steak and a martini.' she said no so we went to this place called the rusty buggy. they did make us martinis there but i don't think the lady ever made one before because we asked for them straight up and they came to the table in tiny goblets full of ice. then the waitress showed us pictures of her kids austin and nadine, and told us that when they when they go off to college she would like to study graphic design in paris. then we went to a bar and my dad told us his philosophy on obscenity, which is that nobody is offended by the word fuck anymore so people are going to have to come up with new swearing, and his example was, i'm not even kidding, THROW A JEW IN THE OVEN. my mom is a jew.

the next day we went to the awesomest antique store ever and mandy found a sign that said slag on it. for some reason it cost $62, i probably should have bought it anyway.

i bought a dress for two dollars, i can't tell if it's a prom dress or 1950s loungerie but it was only TWO DOLLARS. then my dad bought me a christmas ornament that said 1979 on it because that is how old i am, one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine years old.

also i forgot about how we got lost in chesterton indiana and some guy got all pissed at us because we stopped in the middle of the highway, and then when we went to the gas station to get directions the angry guy was there BUYING ROOT BEER AND MILK and he gave us FAKE DIRECTIONS. then he came back out and gave us real directions because he 'wasn't pissed at us no more.' i should have told him to go throw another jew in the oven but i don't even know if that would offend anybody in indiana.
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