Wednesday, January 30, 2008

fevers, movies and tv.

i have an insanely high fever right now. i should charge people money to observe me when i am sick because it is probably hilarious. yesterday i couldn't get the childproof tylenol open and i went insane and hacked it open with a butcher knife. then i watched carnivale for six hours and actually started crying because i want to be in a freakshow in 1934 so bad it hurts my heart. it was like deja vu from when i had scarlet fever in 1994 and rented tombstone and practically became suicidal over the fact that my manifest destiny was to become doc holiday. i should not be allowed to watch tv shows set in eras characterized by tuberculosis and opium dens because they seriously make me lose my fucking mind.

i wonder if in like sixty years some stupid girl is going to become psychotic over wishing she was alive in 2007. probably not because modern times are fucking gay. people do not become psychotic over urban sprawl and the internet. people become psychotic over carnival justice and epic battles between good and evil. maybe i should join a gang or something.

my roommate made me watch juno yesterday. that movie is full of moldy peaches songs. at first i thought it was retarded how juno is all into like iggy and the stooges but then the soundtrack is all pussy bike ride music, but then i realized my roommate is the exact same way. oh my god i bet my roommate secretly wrote this movie. a lot of moldy peaches songs in this movie. i used to think the moldy peaches were annoying as hell until i realized how awesome they sound if you pretend you are in a canoe. except you can't pretend you are in a canoe while you are watching a movie because then it just becomes ridiculous. so that was hard for me. also the language was annoying as hell. THANKS A HEAP COYOTE UGLY, THIS CACTUS STINGS WORSE THAN YOUR ABANDONMENT. ew sixteen year olds don't talk like that and neither should anybody else. plus i'm pretty sure she says wicked at least once. are sixteen year olds even old enough to remember when stupid losers thought it was cool to say wicked? hm, i doubt it. this stopped annoying me after the first half hour either because it got better or i got used to it i'm not sure. okay this movie was actually good though. when it was over i said something about not believing justin batemen turned out to be such a total douche and my boyfriend is like YEAH AND WHAT IS REALLY FUCKED UP IS HOW HE IS MICHAEL CERA'S FATHER. god i guess i should watch more movies with my boyfriend because he amazingly beats me at the asinine commentary game.
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Friday, January 25, 2008

things that i am not thankful for (a to the mothafuckin k)

i stole this idea from raymi

A. Arrested development, circa the for british eyes only era. seriously? what the fuck was that??? why do you build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down? accidentally dating a retarded person is fucking hilarious, how do you fuck that up? are you punishing me for not watching you while you were still on the air?

B. Bestiality. seriously i stayed home all weekend because these workmen were working on my apartment and i was scared if i left them alone there they might rape my dog. i know what a dog raper looks like because one time i google imaged bestiality looking for a picture of an asian girl shooting eels out of her pussy to post on sabrina's myspace comments. i hate these workmen for forcing me to drink alone.

C. Continence. what the fuck continent people? i know that peeing your pants is cool because drunk people do it and everybody knows that drunk people are cool. fuck continent people, trying to shame everybody into being lame and using stupid toilets. that shit is so not spontaneous.

D. Daylight savings time. daylight savings time makes no fucking sense. i am way too lazy to change my clocks twice a year because some loser with a job wants it to be light out earlier. sometimes i want it to be light out earlier too and that is when i turn on a fucking light. was daylight savings time invented before electrity? i doubt it because if it was it would probably be called something way less gay than daylight savings time. that is definitely some modern era gayness.

E. Erin. Thanks mom and dad, for naming me erin, so every time i meet a stupid irish person they can think i am one of them. irish people are fucking disgusting and they eat disgusting poor people food like potatoes and they are ugly and common looking. oh, are you a stupid irish person reading my blog and getting pissed that i called you poor and ugly? why don't you shut up and go get drunk because that is probably the only cool thing you will ever do.

F. Flying. i have dreams i am flying all the time and it is probably the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. then i wake up furious at the stupid laws of physics for making reality so lame that i can only do truly awesome things in my own dreams. what the fuck.

G. Gastric bypass surgery. do people really have to have a surgery that renders their stomachs incapable of holding food in order to stop themselves from eating everything in sight? i guess that is how lazy fat people are, they can't just starve themselves out of self loating like everybody else. wait, if the fact that people have gastric bypass surgery makes me feel like less of a jerk about the fact that i have been shunning fat people since i was five then i guess it should not be on this list because i actually am thankful for it.

H. Heretics. in like 2001 my derelict roommate was telling me about how he used the word heretic and our other roommate was like WOW I'M IMPRESSED THAT IS A BIG WORD and he was all pissed off about it. he's like WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A HERETIC IS? DOES SHE THINK I'M RETARDED? that is where i was like YEAH SERIOUSLY EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT A HERETIC IS even though i actually have no fucking idea. this is like a deep source of shame for me. i've probably looked it up seven times since then but i guess i keep forgetting.

I. Insane Clown Posse. is this a band? i don't even know. what i do know is what a juggalo is and i'm pretty sure my life was better before i aquired this knowledge. the sad part is i can't even remember when or where i acquired it. oh my god are juggalos part of our collective conscious? i would say fuck it, and move to france, but i bet they have them there too. much like death and taxes, you will never completely escape the juggalos.

J. god this is a hard one. what am i less thankful for, jizz or this bitch named jennifer that tried to indoctrinate me into scientology? if jizz isn't sticking to your teeth it's making you pregnant which is pretty fucking annoying, but is it really more annoying than this?

probably not.

K. ky jelly commercials. have you ever seen one of those commercials? they are all filled with people who look like they have never had sex in their life. people that are like 'try a massage with this new ky warming liquid!' UH, THAT SHIT IS NOT FOR MASSAGES, THAT SHIT IS FOR FUCKING. how come commercials for shampoo are all about fucking and commercials for ky jelly are about wholesome activities such as massage therapy?
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Thursday, January 24, 2008

giving the people what they want

i guess i will talk about my assistant now. having an assistant is awesome. he pretty much has to do whatever i say. today i had him call a bunch of my friends and tell them they are in foreclosure. yesterday i made him wear a flower in his ear all day. i am totally attracted to my assistant. god we actually have a calendar at work with all our pictures in it, i wish i knew what i did with my scanner, i would totally draw a big heart around me and him and post it on here for your viewing pleasure. he is like six foot five. today we were having a twenty minute conversation about ramen noodles and my roommate who also works in my office called me on the phone and asked me what i was doing and i made my assistant write a summary of ramen noodles and fax it over to him. to the fax machine four doors down. god, i bet you wish you were my assistant. too bad i would probably be less attracted to you and wouldmake you do actual work.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i am a hero

today i uncovered a wrongful foreclosure within like 10 minutes of getting to work. so i decided i might as well fuck off for the whole rest of the day and then i spent 40 minutes walking around the office looking for places for fucking, like if anybody wanted to fuck at work what would be the spot. i didn't really find anything so then i walked around pretending i could shrink myself and other people to like thumbelina size, and where would be the places to fuck then. pretty much anywhere. like i could jump in the slot in the garbage can for shredding and fuck amid all the sensitive documents. except i probably wouldn't be able to get back out and then i would get shredded. and whatever idiot was in there with me would probably cry and i would hate it. seriously this is what i do all day.

then i went back to my desk and there were flowers on it. my assistant says 'your boyfriend sent you flowers.' uh, i am pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't know where i work. like i guess he is aware that i have a job but i don't think he actually knows like what building it is in. i told my assistant this and he didn't believe me for some reason.

'maybe it's your attorney' he says. i work for lots of attorneys but only one of them will come into my office and be like 'hey, you're my legal assistant, assist me' and make me respond to these psychotic text messages this girl keeps sending him. i'll do it too because he lets me sit in his chair and pretend to be a lawyer when i am bored. HEY I'M BORED, WHY DON'T YOU GO MAKE SOME COPIES AND I WILL SIT IN YOUR CHAIR AND PRETEND TO BE A LAWYER. ALSO CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT BECAUSE I AM GOING TO DRINK THE WHISKEY THAT IS IN YOUR FILE CABINET. god, i am the best legal assistant ever. i love how my assistant thought maybe my attorney sent me flowers, that was the stupidest shit i have heard all day. has he ever seen my attorney? um, all his clothes are held together by safety pins. i am pretty sure he has never even seen a flower before.

then he thought maybe it was this other attorney that used to bang the other girl we work with. i almost believe that dummy would send me flowers. one time he walked into my office and i was stamping my arm over and over again with the contested stamp and ever since then he pretty much sits at his desk and stares at me like i am preforming miracles every time i walk past his office. which is like seven hundred times a day because it's on the way to the copier. he is one of those guys that combs his hair and i'm pretty sure his big fantasy or whatever involves saving me from myself.

anyway then i tried getting rid of these flowers because seriously nobody knows where i work so i guess they had to come from within and i hated the idea of some idiot walking past my office and seeing his stupid flowers on my desk. this is how stalkers delude themselves into thinking that you are in a relationship with them, and then they kill you.

anyway then i was carrying these flowers around trying to pawn them off on somebody and i find this card that fell inside of them and they're from this guy thanking me for saving his home because i seriously spent at least 30 hours last week dedicating myself to saving this guy's house because i liked his handwriting and he had an old man name. you guys, this guy called me an angel. ha, you know who has never called me an angel before? anybody i have ever actually met in reality. whatever, being nice to strangers is romantic, there is nothing romantic about being nice to your friends, that shit is played. i prefer treating my friends like they are not even human beings. it's part of my charm.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

i love working downtown

today i got to witness a big black christian lady trying to save a beggar. seriously this beggar is a fucking harpy, i am seriously scared of this lady in the way that people are scared of demons. she screams at me like a dag banshee every day. does she scream at anybody else, no, and she looks like the fucking keeper of the shards in the dark crystal.

woah check out the nips on the shard keeper, way to go jim henson.

my roommate actually gives this lady money and thinks it is hilarious how much she hates me. too bad he is going to feel like a fucking douche when she murders me and sucks the soul out of me with a straw. i think when he gets home i am going to suggest that he tape a picture of me onto a dollar for her so she can lose her fucking mind. this is what happens when you don't bring your kids to church, they grow up thinking it is hilarious to torment people with severe mental illness.

anyway this giant missionary lady was telling the beggar about jesus today. she was talking really low but she was all up in this harpy's face. except the harpy like threw herself to the ground and refused to look at this lady and was screaming I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU.

i guess that was the most intense thing i saw all day. i can't wait until somebody tries saving me so i can do the exact same thing. i was waiting for the fat christian lady to start flinging holy water onto her. THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU. now i kind of want to buy that harpy a hot dog, too bad if i tried getting close enough to give it to her she would probably tear my arm off.
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Wednesday, January 16, 2008

happy birthday blood clot

one year ago i had an abortion at home. here is a picture of me pregnant and not knowing it on new years eve.

i found out i was pregnant during a teleconference with sabrina. yeah, i took a pregnancy test LIVE VIA THE WEB. i think it went something like this:

gaya bukkake says: OH MY FUCK I HAVE CREATED THE MIRACLE OF LIFE INSIDE OF ME.

mary has aids says: i hate that i just laughed so hard at that.

then i called planned parenthood like immediately. then i called jenny and afforded her the incredible opportunity of accompanying her slutty friend to the abortion clinic. they didn't have any appointments for like a week which meant that for like a week i got to tell my roommate HEY GET ME A GLASS OF WATER, I GUESS I COULD DO IT MYSELF IF I WASN'T A FAT PREGNANT WHORE. oh my god i was like a giant fat fountian of hormones and hilarity.

i did not even tell the baby father at all. i had to borrow $100 from five different people. one of whom made me meet her up at an atm in the freezing fucking cold to get my abortion money which was also hilarious. it was like, god, am i really doing this right now?

i was so fucking glad jenny took me to planned parenthood. it was like me and jenny and seven other people that looked miserable. too bad just the knowledge that i probably should not burst out laughing made everything like unbearably riotous. we had to leave the room like six times so we could talk about everybody else that was still in there. like there was this one old guy that was like contorting his body into amazing shapes so that no part of him would be touching the girl he he was with, and this other girl that would not stop crying and making the most hilarious noises and she was wearing BUNNY RABBIT SLIPPERS and her boyfriend was listening to his ipod. i guess you bring a guy in there and they think they have to pretend to act all sad and then you are like OH FUCK NO, I GUESS I SHOULD PROBABLY START CRYING LIKE A FUCKING INSANE MANIAC NOW SINCE I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS IDIOT ACT SADDER THAN ME. or else they sit there listening to their ipod and you are like OH FUCK NO, I GUESS I SHOULD PROBALBY START CRYING LIKE AN INSANE FUCKING MANIAC RIGHT NOW SINCE I AM SITTING NEXT TO THE BIGGEST IDIOT ON THE PLANET. apparently if you bring a guy you end up crying into your pamphlets and if you bring jenny it is almost like you are at a slumber party. here is a picture of me and jenny at a bar having slightly less fun then we had at planned parenthood.

they gave me a vaginal ultrasound. that is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. a giant dildo that takes pictures of your vagina. then i got to go sit in this room with all these other girls, they like corral you into this room until it fills up and then the doctor comes and gives you all your pills and watches you to make sure you swallow them. bunny rabbit slippers was sitting right across from me and i pretty much just watched her cry the whole time and wondered if i should try to make myself look sad or something. like maybe this girl thought i was a bitch because i didn't look all devestated. god, that is the self absorbed nature of human beings, you guys. sitting at the abortion clinic wondering if the girl across from you with the ruined life thinks you are a bitch. i know that girl was not thinking of me at all. also all the surgical abortion girls are recovering in the same room too except they are all drugged and moaning and have blankets over their legs like cripples. i am guessing a surgical abortion is not as fun and hilarious as a medical one.

then jenny took me to popeyes and we watched sin city. oh yeah i made her stop and buy me a giant bag of maxi pads because you are not supposed to use a tampon during this time even though you are bleeding profusely. the first pill they give you makes you get your period or something and then the next day you take the other pill that causes spontaneous miscarriage or whatever.

jessica came over for the second pill and she ordered me an egg salad sandwhich from the goddess and the grocer. i decided i was like the most amazing person ever because the abortion pill was having like no physical effects on me whatsoever. I AM SO AMAZING! i said. then et came over and that is when i started to feel like my uterus was a person and someone was choking the fuck out of it WITH MY OWN INTESTINES. seriously i could not even talk and i might have even been crying. et, if you are reading this, was i crying? i don't even think i knew whether i was crying or not at the time. if i was actually crying it might have been because et is a bitch and she put american idol on probably because she knew i was too weak to resist her. then i projectile vomited all over her and my entire apartment. like i knew i was throwing up so i started running all around except i was still throwing up and it was seriously all over the place. i was probably also crying from pain during this time. god i bet that was amazing to watch. and then my roommate came home at like that exact time. then a flower guy came and brought me flowers in a margarita glass that said something like I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE FEELING OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD RIPPING OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW, LOVE, SABRINA.

even though it was incredibly painful it only hurt for like one and one half hours. after that i pretty much ate the painkillers they gave me and bled all over the place. you bleed for like weeks. like i woke up the next day and my ankles were bloody. i guess i should probably go put on my bloody abortion sweatpants right now to commemorate the occasion. yes i saved them because they look like i went on a murderous rampage in them, which is awesome.

it was nowhere near as scary or traumatic as i thought it would be. actually it was not scary or traumatic at all. i felt so little about the whole thing that i wondered if something was terribly wrong with me. hopefully someone who has scheduled an at home abortion will google AT HOME ABORTION like i did and read this. if you do or if you already had an at home abortion, or a surgical abortion, or a coathanger abortion, and you really didn't give a shit about any of it, i promise you there is nothing wrong with you.

i really wish my camera hadn't been broken at the time because i would totally breach the laws of decorum and post a picture of my abortion on here. i think people need to know what a six week abortion looks like. not like what they look like in jesus camp.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

i brought my dad to the mutiny last night

i guess my dad is going to be retired now so i brought him to the mutiny last night to show him what his options are now that he is going to have tons of free time. HERE DAD THIS IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO AT NIGHT, OR DURING THE DAY. he was super excited that they played the kinks on the jukebox and then he told my roommate a story about punk rock and car radios. also there was a really fat dude in a misfits shirt that was walking around talking about fighting everyone there and he gets up in my dad's face and asks him if he is going to fight and my dad goes I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME, SON? except he said son like he was motherfucking snoop dogg or something. i guess i should probably start bringing my dad to the bar at least once a week.
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Sunday, January 13, 2008

tamponz

i accidentally bought scented tampons. SCENTED TAMPONS. i knew something was up when i opened one and the wrapper was blue. like windex or toilet bowl water from the eighties. blue is the universal color of cleanliness. i'm like 'holy shit this tampon is about to be cleanly as hell. like scrubbing bubbles for my vagina.' then i opened it and it smelled like freesia. i don't even know what a freesia is but i am pretty sure i don't want to shove one into my vagina. if they are going to make flavored tampons they should probalby at least pick flavors of things that you might actually want in there. like dick. or jailhouse shiv.
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Monday, January 07, 2008

i am a bear now

i guess i will elaborate on things that are creepy e.g. my dog and twin peaks. i am talking about my other dog delilah now who has probalby never been mentioned on this blog because she is less cute and i like her less and usually pretend she doesn't exist. which is hard because she is annoying. the other day she was annoying me by drinking water out of her bowl and i told her i was going to put bleach in it.

last night i couldn't sleep and was bored as hell, it was 3:04 which i think might be the hour of satan or something according to that stuid ass excorcism of emily rose movie so i thought maybe i should go stand in front of the mirror and say bloody mary three times. that shit never works. then when i was walking back to my room i started to think i could probably scare the complete bejesus out of myself if i pretended twin peaks scraggle man was behind me. so i turned around and imagined twin peaks scraggle man and then i ran back to my room. except it wasn't really that scary so i thought maybe it would be scarier if i pretended scraggle man was squatting down behind a chair in my room staring at me which actually was way scarier. then i decided it was time to go to sleep so i closed my eyes and i saw this fucked up decrepit person thing with perfect posture, probably the scariest thing i have ever seen. i am pretty sure it was the devil. i was so excited that my own brain is creepier than david lynch. and mark frost. <-- every episode of twin peaks reminds me that mark frost co-created it. too bad i have no fucking idea who that is.

also the dog is still completely creeping the fuck out of me and today i came home and there was a fucking turd on the floor. even though i walked her this morning, what the eff. probalby she literally scared the shit out of herself when she finally realized how creepy she was. then i go in the bathroom and there are like four turds in the bathtub. why in the fuck would a dog shit in the bathtub i have no idea but i guess if my dog can shit in the bathtub i can probably teach her how to shit in the toilet. anyway i wanted to clean it up before my roommate came home and found out my dog shit in the bathtub so i grabbed a bunch of "toilet paper" aka brown paper towels i stole from work because i am too lazy to buy real toilet paper and there was a paw print on the toilet paper. which was sitting on top of the toilet. and there was also a paw print on the actual toilet. um do you know what this means? MY DOG TRIED TO TAKE A SHIT IN THE TOILET AND OR WIPE. holy shit this creepy dog is a mental genius.
idiot savant dog
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Saturday, January 05, 2008

2008 is the year of the bear

so far this is probably the best year ever. all i do is wrap myself in blankets, drink cocoa with peppermint tea in it and watch twin peaks for seven hours. also my dog has now figured out that the only way she can get any attention during this time is by being even more bizzare than twin peaks. like during the log lady intro the dog will look at me and move her mouth like she is talking. oh my god my dog is channeling the log lady. after like the third hour of watching that show i pretty much believe that maybe my dog is going to tell me who killed laura palmer. god damn it dog stop pretending to talk to me while i am watching quality television circa 1990.
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