Wednesday, August 20, 2008

vegan bakeries are a bunch of bullshit.

i went to the bleeding heart bakery like two weeks ago, i actually was excited about it, STUPID ME. see, this is why it is a waste of time to get excited about things. anyway i was excited because i heard this place was good. too bad after i ate there, and SPIT MY CUPCAKE OUT INTO THE PRETENIOUS BOX IT CAME IN i realized what my dad was talking about all those times when he said 'consider the source.' see, when a vegan tells you something tastes good, what they actually mean is that it tastes good COMPARED TO WHEY. like when i used to be a vegetarian and i told people fake bacon tasted just like real bacon. sorry everyone i told that to, it turns out what i meant to say was that fake bacon tastes just like real bacon IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN REAL BACON IN FIVE YEARS AND DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. also, i guess the bleeding heart bakery's heart does not bleed for the environment because if it did my cupcake probably would not have come inside two bags and a box.

i actually ate another vegan cupcake in new york, god knows why, i guess i was trying to give peace a (second) chance. god, second chances are a bunch of bullshit. in case you did not know, the whole reason that a cupcake is good in the first place is because it is MADE OUT OF BUTTER. i don't know what they substitue for butter at these places. melted carrots? cardboard? and the bleeding heart bakery isn't even a vegan bakery, i am just hoping that i accidentally ordered a vegan cupcake because otherwise i have no idea why that thing tasted like an organic tampon.
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