Wednesday, August 20, 2008

vegan bakeries are a bunch of bullshit.

i went to the bleeding heart bakery like two weeks ago, i actually was excited about it, STUPID ME. see, this is why it is a waste of time to get excited about things. anyway i was excited because i heard this place was good. too bad after i ate there, and SPIT MY CUPCAKE OUT INTO THE PRETENIOUS BOX IT CAME IN i realized what my dad was talking about all those times when he said 'consider the source.' see, when a vegan tells you something tastes good, what they actually mean is that it tastes good COMPARED TO WHEY. like when i used to be a vegetarian and i told people fake bacon tasted just like real bacon. sorry everyone i told that to, it turns out what i meant to say was that fake bacon tastes just like real bacon IF YOU HAVEN'T EATEN REAL BACON IN FIVE YEARS AND DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT TASTES LIKE. also, i guess the bleeding heart bakery's heart does not bleed for the environment because if it did my cupcake probably would not have come inside two bags and a box.

i actually ate another vegan cupcake in new york, god knows why, i guess i was trying to give peace a (second) chance. god, second chances are a bunch of bullshit. in case you did not know, the whole reason that a cupcake is good in the first place is because it is MADE OUT OF BUTTER. i don't know what they substitue for butter at these places. melted carrots? cardboard? and the bleeding heart bakery isn't even a vegan bakery, i am just hoping that i accidentally ordered a vegan cupcake because otherwise i have no idea why that thing tasted like an organic tampon.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

aka ghostface killah

so you know how i cut myself on tuesday or whatever day that was, anyway the next day i am at work and i realize i can't feel my thumb and am probably an idiot with nerve damage so i went to the doctor because even though i am one of those jackasses who refuses to go to the doctor ever i would rather do that than be at my job. i spent the entire walk to the doctor smacking my thumb against things and being amazed by how i couldn't feel it at all. 'i have a ghost thumb,' i told myself. anyway here is the conversation i had with the doctor. after reading this you are not going to believe i scored an 800 on the logic section of the GRE.

me: i can't feel my thumb. i don't know if that is because i severed all the nerves in it or if it's because i wrapped this band aid around it too tight.

doctor: why did you wrap it so tight?

me: because it was bleeding all over everything and then my dogs were licking all the blood off everything. i can't have blood all over my apartment!

doctor: why didn't you come in for sutures?

me: because i put a band aid on it, duh.

the doctor probably realizes i am a genius at this point. anyway i had to have four stitches in it so i guess now when i commit crimes my thumbprint is going to look really fucking tough. SCARFACE GHOST THUMB. i also have nerve damage but apparently thumb nerves grow back at a rate of one millimeter per month so i guess i will have feeling in my thumb again IN ONE OR TWO MONTHS. don't worry, it's my left thumb, i can't even remember the last time i used it.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008


i am sick as shit right now except i have to go to work anyway because i am already calling in thursday and friday so i can fuck off in new york. being sick is kind of awesome though because then you can be like your own personal biological weapon. don't make me touch everything on your desk. being sick is also awesome when you married your boyfriend who will never take care of you. then when he comes home and you have a fever of 102 and are about to pass out from cleaning the whole apartment he can tell you you did a shitty job. i deserve this because if i ever married someone stupid enough to take care of me i would probably accuse them of patronizing me and divorce them.

i just took a break from writing this to eat some havarti and i almost cut my own hand off. i can't even believe how much blood is coming out of my fucking hand, enough to stage my own death probably. i guess now is when i finish writing this so i can smear it all over my arms and lay down in the bathtub before dave gets home from the liquor store.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

i met a dude who looks just like pete dougherty

i managed to keep that shit to myself for like two hours until it became too much and i screamed BABYSHAMBLES in his face like i had tourettes. i had to travel all the way to elgin for a chance to do this. elgin is a place where everyone hates me but i keep going back there because my love for mandy is that strong. then we had fourthmeal and babyshambles and the rest of his band slept in mandy's basement. we had to sneak them out in the morning like they were soujourner truth. i must have been drunk as hell because i thought there were only two of them but there were three. i probably didn't realize the third one was with the other two because he was conventionally attractive and the other two looked like they climbed out of a sewer.
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