Thursday, July 31, 2008

i know i do not have fleas.

my boyfriend thinks i have fleas at my apartment so he is going to come over here and do flea killing shit and he actually thinks i am going to help him. YEAH RIGHT. why do people go insane about fleas, i know my dogs do not have fleas. it's like people see a speck of dirt and they think they are dealing with a fucking plague from christ or something. i think i would know if there were fleas here being that I HAVE HAD FLEAS BEFORE, NOT MY DOGS, ME. i don't know why i'm not embarrassed to shout that from the mountaintops. they were personal fleas and didn't bite anyone except me. i even went over to my boyfriend at the time's house and rolled all over all the furniture to infest it with fleas and it didn't even work. if you wonder why i wanted my boyfriend to have fleas it's so that i could pretend he gave them to me and break up with him. i ended up having to break up with him the old fashioned way. on myspace. i can't wait to tell my boyfriend that spraying for fleas is not very green of him. i am going to do that as soon as he walks in here and then i am going to tell him that i am going to my room to google 'natural predator of fleas' and find out what it is so we can release one in the house. then i am not going to come out of my room until he is done with his flea shit. while i am in my room i am going to turn the lights on and off until the earth dies.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

other things i said i would never do

i bought a pair of skinny jeans this weekend. is that what they call those horrible jeans that are so skinny at the ankle that you can hardly get it over your foot? yeah i got a pair of those. we now know that i am susceptible to peer pressure because i tried the things on and was like HEY MANDY LOOK AT HOW HORRIBLE THESE ARE and she told me if i wear them with this little dress thing i have from american apparel in every color people will think i am awesome so i bought them. then i went home and was like DOES EVERYONE LIKE THESE JEANS, I AM GOING TO WEAR THEM IN NEW YORK. which is how roommate and old friend and my boyfriend that i am married to found out i was going to new york because apparently i forgot to tell them. yes, that is what a terrible person i am, good thing i got those pants or i probably never would have told them and they would have had to file a missing persons report. then they could have put out an amber alert and mandy would have gone to jail for abducting me and transporting me across state lines.

i have absolutely nothing interesting to report, i guess they're right, marriage is boring. maybe tomorrow i will write about the fourth of july and if you are lucky i will even post pictures of myself wearing a sombrero and brawling with a man in the alleys humboldt park.

Monday, July 28, 2008


now that i am married i have all these checks so on thursday i decided i was going to go buy a laptop. as i was endorsing all these checks i realized that my last name wasn't on any of them, what the fuck people, you are writing checks to a person who doesn't exist. i am one of those people who gets an idea out of nowhere, like 'hm, should i buy a laptop? maybe i should' and then within twenty minutes if i don't have a laptop i am going to die. there's a dmv like two blocks from my bank so i walked over there and got a new drivers liscence with my boyfriend's name on it for the explicit purpose of cashing a bunch of checks and buying a laptop. sadly i am not even joking. i was pretty much planning on keeping my own name forever until it started impeding on my ability to be rash, impatient and stupid. it only took ten minutes because nobody goes to the dmv downtown except for me. seriously, i have never seen another person in there. i am like 'okay, now that i am a whole new person i am ready to cash these checks' except the stupid bitch at the bank would not let me cash them because they have my boyfriend's name on them also, which i guess is understandable so i ask her if he can endorse them or if he should actually show up at the bank with me, and she says NEITHER because we can not cash them unless we have a joint account.

this is when i started to get extremely pissed off because i am never going to open a joint account with my boyfriend EVER. what is even the point of that. so that i can spy on him and make sure he isn't buying hookers? uh, that flies directly in the face of my don't ask don't tell policy. the stupid teller was all incredulous about the fact that i didn't want to open a joint account at her stupid bank. oh god i was so pissed off. i told her if she made us open a joint account all i was going to do was put the stupid checks in there and then withdraw them five minutes later and close the account and she is like WELL THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DO THEN. i can't wait to go back to the bank and close my account. when they ask me why i am closing my account i am going to be like BECAUSE YOU GUYS DISCRIMINATE AGAINST INDEPENDANT PEOPLE. that is when they are going to suddenly let him endorse those checks to me but i am still going to close my account, and then i am going to have to open a whole new account at a whole different bank and i am never going to get my laptop but i don't even care because I HAVE PRINCIPALS.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

sometimes i thank god i can't sing because nobody can blame me for anything

remember when i said i would never get married? HA. too bad you didn't know me before the internet was invented or we could also laugh about the times i said i would never suck a dick or smoke crack. these are the lies we all tell ourselves. here is a picture of me channeling daisy buchannon.

too bad my camera is all fucked or i could also show you a picture of me sitting in a bucket the night before telling everyone i was r kelly. twenty minutes before this picture was taken i was eating eggs benedict while sabrina wrote a note to our waiter about fucking some lady's mother.

i finally found a good use for the holy bible. later that day sabrina threw it down on some idiot's head.

here's a picture of me and mandy in the photobooth. if you wonder what me and mandy are doing in the first picture, we are impersonating bret michaels. wait, why is my drink brown in that picture? oh yeah, because we ran out of vodka in THE FIRST TWENTY MINUTES.

my brother performed the ceremony, it was five minutes long. i think i made a promise to be best friends with my boyfriend until the end of time. yeah right, everyone knows dave is my best friend until the end of time. the main thing that is gay about weddings is the music so i didn't pay for any. i mean, if we are going to listen to gay music i guess i will tell my gay friends to bring their gay records for free.

what, you didn't play small faces at your wedding? pfft. loser.

Friday, July 18, 2008

i am going to kill someone.

1. it is so hot outside i am going to kill someone. i just rode my bike home from work and by the time i carried the fucking thing up all the stairs i was so furious i almost threw it over the side of the porch. that is how furious i was FOR NO REASON. it is that hot outside.

2. my mom is on my god damn nerves. she wrote me some stupid email today about how she loves me even though i forgot her and my dad's anniversary. uh, isn't an anniversary one of those fake holidays that nobody cares about except the people whose anniversary it is? even those people might not care. also i can not forget my parents stupid anniversary even if i try because it is five months before i was born NOT NINE, BUT FIVE. slutz.

3. my dog won't stop barking. the dog whose existance i usually deny because she dedicates her life to irritating the fuck out of me. the other dog is being perfect, like usual. barking dog is also sneezing. she sneezes when i pay attention to her, because it hardly ever happens so it is exciting. yeah, she sneezes when she is excited. one of her many ultra annoying traits. she is allergic to good times. she is so excited right now because i am yelling at her. scared and excited at the same time. idiot.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

look! i'm still alive!

a friend of mine died this week. yawn. this is getting fucking old to me. actually no it isn't. which is the weird thing about death. it is like the only true given in life but our dna doesn't even have anything in there to tell us it is normal. thanks a lot god. and animals don't have any death skills in their dna either, i know this because i have seen a squirrel sitting in the middle of the road all confused about its squashed friend. watching animals mourn road kill is like the saddest thing on earth.

i wasn't super close to this dead person either, so you don't have to console me. he was a friend's brother. i went over to his house and brought him lasagne yesterday. I HAVE NOTHING INSIGHTFUL TO SAY ABOUT THIS SO HERE, EAT THIS FOOD. people should make it a general rule to not say insightful things ever, because most peoples insight fucking sucks. dave loved it that i made my friend food because according to him it was old fashioned and lovely. i didn't bake it before i brought it over because i thought they would have like seven thousand casserole dishes full of shitty food people brought them so i thought they could put the raw lasagne in the fridge and heat it another day but i guess bringing food to the grieving really is old fashioned because they had nothing to eat in the whole house. and then my friend didn't know how to turn on the oven so thank god i did bring it, i have no idea how he has been feeding himself for the past however many years.

then i had to leave before it came out of the oven because i wasn't sure about the etiquette of eating grief lasagne. like is it rude if i have some, or is it rude if i don't have some, i have no idea. mmm, grief lasagne. the red peppers tell you to cry, the cream says it's okay and the vodka says it's not. i actually didn't leave before it came out of the oven, i left right after that, because i wanted to make sure he knew how to turn the oven off.

i had to try really hard to follow my own rule about not sharing my brilliant insights with others because they think it was a suicide. they don't know because there wasn't a note or anything and it was one of those things that i guess maybe could have been an accident. here is my insight on suicide: when someone commits suicide and everyone tells you it was not your fault, um, actually it probably was. you don't live in a fucking vacuum, guess what, the stupid shit you do has an impact on people, maybe you should try being nicer. it is even stupider when they try telling you there was nothing you could have done. that is obviously a lie because when you try helping people that are alive nobody tells you hey, you might as well stop it because there is nothing you can do. i mean obviously i would never say this to someone, but i am also not going to say there is nothing they could have done because i am not one of those shitty people patronizes some poor pathetic person in mourning. i have been that poor pathetic person.

i am going to leave you with one last insight on suicide. if you are going to commit suicide, please leave a note. if you don't know what to write just write 'i'm sorry.' or you could even write 'fuck you' because if you do not leave a note 'fuck you' is pretty much what everyone is going to get out of it anyway. if i ever kill myself i am going to do it in front of the biggest white wall i can find. i am going to take a red lipstick and make a list on the wall, 'your fault/not your fault.' i am going to name names.
Listed on BlogShares