Wednesday, June 11, 2008


i am reading an astonishing book right now. it is called disgrace and it is by jm coetzee. it won a man booker prize. if you want to do yourself a favor start reading all the books that won a man booker prize, i have read i think five and they are all fantastic. well, they are all fantastic except the life of pi. actually i don't even know if the life of pi was fantastic or not, all i know is that my mom bought it for me off of a display table at borders and it's pretty likely that that is what prevented me from liking it. my brain won't let me like anything that comes with a borders buy two get the third free sticker on it.

i totally bought this book because i like the way it looks.

anyway everyone should probably go out and read disgrace right now. buy it while it still has a nice plain white cover before it gets made into a movie and you have to buy a copy with a picture of keira knightley on it. fuck, i just looked it up on imdb and they actually ARE making a movie out of it and john malkovich is in it. gross. i can't wait until i see people reading this book on the train and i can think about how superior i am because my copy doesn't have john malkovich all over the cover.

i hardly ever recommend books to people because i am afraid they won't like the books and then i will be jarred into reality and realize my friends are all illiterate and then i will die lonely and confused. this book even an idiot would probably like. so you should especially read it if you are an idiot because then when you meet a girl who reads books you can name drop jm coetzee and when she looks it up on wikipedia later she will think you are smarter than you actually are.

i am seriously about to female ejaculate all over this book. i left it at work because i wanted to finish it tomorrow and not today except now i can't function because i want to finish it now.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

there will be blood

daniel day lewis is a really good actor. too bad this movie was two hours and forty minutes long and boring as hell. i knew i was going to hate this movie during the first twenty minutes where there was no dialouge and absolutely nothing happened. there was dialouge later but none of it was interesting or anything, at least until the last twenty minutes of the movie when daniel day lewis started screaming BASTARD IN A BASKET over and over again. there was some more good dialouge when he is in a meeting and he tells whatever classy dude he is meeting with that he is going to track him down and slit his throat. the guy is like 'what?' it sounded exactly like what toby in the office sounds like when michael tells him things like 'i hate everything you stand for.' this dude was totally toby flenderson's vocal twin. anyway, i could have done without the whole first two hours and however many minutes before bastard in a basket started happening. that scene opened with daniel day lewis signing his name kind of like how he did in hte beginning but in this scene he totally had drunk old man handwriting, which is our first clue he has gone totally batshit insane. (i'm going to ruin the movie now so stop reading if you want to be disappointed fresh when you watch it.) he says a bunch of horrible things to his grown up deaf son, except he says them through an interpreter because he is such an idiot he never learned sign language. if i was the son i would have shut my eyes and been like AHHGHGHGHHH, WHERE ARE YOU? WHERE ARE YOU DAD??? i would have said it out loud in my fucked up deaf person voice. you would think being a giant douche like that would be pretty satisfying to daniel day lewis but i guess it wasn't because then ten minutes later he wakes up passed out in a lane in his personal bowling alley room. then he slams a jug of vodka. then he has a fit of retard strength and starts throwing bowling balls everywhere and then the movie is over.

i am probably the only person in the free world that did not love this movie. sometimes i wonder if people actually like movies like this or if they just like them because they know they are supposed to. the last scene in this movie reminded me of the shining.

this bowling alley looks like it might be located in the basement of the overlook hotel. they should have had thrown jack torrence in there in the end. jack and daniel could have thrown bowling balls and axes at each other until one of them was dead. they could have had a contest over who could scream 'i drink your milkshake' better. 'I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!' 'NO I DIRNK YOUR MILKSHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHKKKKKKKKKE!!!'

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

the trials and tribulations of childhood

when i was in sixth grade, alexandra refused to write her magnum opus. i didn't have to write one because i did not go to a gay ass montessori school. 'this is the stupidest assignment ever.' she said. i agreed. 'i'm glad my parents didn't sign me up for that school full of gay rods.' we sat on my porch and wrote our names in dust. i told her she should just write it. 'i'm not writing a magnum opus,' she said 'i'm eleven years old. if i write my magnum opus that means my life is over.' i smeared a dandelion against the back of my hand and wished i could find enough dandelions to smear my whole body with them, become golden. i told her not to write it. 'maybe you're not supposed to write it. maybe it's a trick.' when the day came, she had nothing to hand in. her teacher called the principal and the principal called her parents. she was adamant. they told her if she didn't do it she wouldn't graduate. she told them all she as a little kid. she told them all she didn't care if she graduated. i guess they knew she was right, because she graduated in june, in a white dress with the rest of her life ahead of her.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

short dresses and soccer shoes

i think that is what i'm going to wear all summer. that is what i'm wearing right now and i am eating a bowl of apple jacks. i don't even like apple jacks and i am not hungry, but eating apple jacks goes with my outfit and i am a slave to asthetics. if only i was eating these apple jacks in a tennis court i could die happy right now. obviously i got a pair of shoes this weekend that are seriously going to change my life. i think they are going to motivate me to take up speed chess. speed chess in the park in short dresses and soccer shoes!

i saw the strangers yesterday with my dear friend alexandra, my dear friend brother of alexandra, and my new friends roommate and girlfriend of brother of alexandra. the latter three live in humboldt park and i think i am going to hang out with them all summer long because they have an enormous porch and i can walk there. anyway we all saw the strangers yesterday. it didn't end with either of the surprise endings i made up in my head while i was watching it. so if you guys see that movie don't try acting all smart by predicting the ending and telling your friends because you will be wrong. also dennis from it's always sunny in philidelphia was in it. i love seeing horror movies in the theater because when you walk out of there everybody is coming up with a plan. my plan was that when i am being stalked by the strangers and am lying in wait with my shotgun i am not going to pick the room where the door faces a wall and you can't see who is coming until they are already in the room. that is why horror movies are great, becuase we all take lessons away from them. brother of alexandra learned the lesson that a kitchen knife is not the best self defense weapon, and there is probably other shit in the kitchen that could be more effective, like a cast iron skillet. also, i am thinking about becoming one of those people who screams at horror movies because i think it could really enhance my viewing experience. anyway, the best part about that movie was that it took the time to explain why nobody was calling for help on their cell phones. because that is usually the first thing i think of while watching a horror movie. don't these people have cell phones?

in other news, dave is in los angelos this weekend, and mandy is still in new zealand. they are both coming back next week and i didn't even die while they were gone. yes, i actually made it all the way through, even though dave abandonned me on taco and tostada thursday and i had to make due with a grilled cheese sandwhich with pam instead of butter. they are going to be amazed when they come back and see the new and improved me wearing short dresses and soccer shoes drinking colt fortyfive while playing speed chess with old people in the park.
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