Wednesday, May 28, 2008

god, i really do have mental problems. i was riding my bike to oakpark today and i was going through whatever stupid neighboorhood is like halfway between here and there, and the sun was out and i was wearing sunglasses and wished i knew somebody who lived over there, even though i never will, maybe a guy that grew up there when everything was different but the same and now he lives in a shitty little apartment in a two flat that costs like $300 a month because the landlord is a crazy eighty year old lady who lives downstairs and sits on a milk crate in the alley smoking all day and maybe he brings dinner to her sometimes and he is probably like an emt or something one of those jobs with odd hours, and i go over to his house on tuesday which is probably his weekend and we walk around in this strange neighborhood where nobody knows me. i'm surprised i didn't get hit by a car i was so distracted thinking about this so hard. how we could walk over to the store i'm riding past and get cigarettes and i bet the guy that works there would know his name and would give me a free lighter every time and tell me i was pretty, and how he would bitch about the stupid storefront church on the corner, the one that looks like a sushi place and is utterly out of place. i would tell him i really liked the new atmosphere cd and he would tell me it sucked and i would get mad because he hadn't even listened to it yet. i really felt like all of that was true, and then i started crying. i have no idea why and i couldn't stop. does anybody know what this is a symptom of and how i can get rid of it? the crying, not the pretending. i have been pretending the fuck out of everything since i was born. i used to sit around and let my eyes unfocus themselves for hardcore pretending. it used to scare the shit out of my mom. one day she started crying and made me promise i wouldn't do it anymore. god, i just remembered when i was reading underworld and i started crying on the train all the time. am i sensitive? oh god i think i am. if anybody i know sees me exhibiting this behaviour i am going to have to move.
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