Wednesday, May 28, 2008

god, i really do have mental problems. i was riding my bike to oakpark today and i was going through whatever stupid neighboorhood is like halfway between here and there, and the sun was out and i was wearing sunglasses and wished i knew somebody who lived over there, even though i never will, maybe a guy that grew up there when everything was different but the same and now he lives in a shitty little apartment in a two flat that costs like $300 a month because the landlord is a crazy eighty year old lady who lives downstairs and sits on a milk crate in the alley smoking all day and maybe he brings dinner to her sometimes and he is probably like an emt or something one of those jobs with odd hours, and i go over to his house on tuesday which is probably his weekend and we walk around in this strange neighborhood where nobody knows me. i'm surprised i didn't get hit by a car i was so distracted thinking about this so hard. how we could walk over to the store i'm riding past and get cigarettes and i bet the guy that works there would know his name and would give me a free lighter every time and tell me i was pretty, and how he would bitch about the stupid storefront church on the corner, the one that looks like a sushi place and is utterly out of place. i would tell him i really liked the new atmosphere cd and he would tell me it sucked and i would get mad because he hadn't even listened to it yet. i really felt like all of that was true, and then i started crying. i have no idea why and i couldn't stop. does anybody know what this is a symptom of and how i can get rid of it? the crying, not the pretending. i have been pretending the fuck out of everything since i was born. i used to sit around and let my eyes unfocus themselves for hardcore pretending. it used to scare the shit out of my mom. one day she started crying and made me promise i wouldn't do it anymore. god, i just remembered when i was reading underworld and i started crying on the train all the time. am i sensitive? oh god i think i am. if anybody i know sees me exhibiting this behaviour i am going to have to move.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

not i said the jiggafly

today i came home from work and made a bunch of food and me and dave were watching thirty rock and then my stupid boyfriend showed up and took my sodoku puzzles away from me so he could do them and he won't even let me tear out the one i am working on for some reason. dude, it is a fucking PUZZLE BOOK not a collectors item, why he will not let me tear out my god damn puzzle i have no idea. also he took out thirty rock and put in ultimate fighting and of course the stupid idiot puts on a fight where dan henderson LOSES. i told him if dan henderson lost i was going to punch him in the face. then i locked myself in my room because i realize that violence is not the answer. seriously though who shows up at people's houses and takes over everything? oh yeah, dudes. i am thinking of getting a second apartment just for dudes to visit me at. i won't have anything there that could possibly interest them and i won't even care when they handle all my shit like if it was theirs because it won't even be my shit, it will all be from rent a center. i will even give them keys and they will think i am so nice. i gave my boyfriend a key for my real house but you need two keys to open the door. that way if i don't want that idiot to be able to get in here i can lock the other one. i tell him i don't even have a key to the mystery lock and i have no idea why he can't get in here half the time. then i accuse him of not knowing how to use keys. haha i'm such a liar. anyhow now i am locked in my room and he is trying to talk to me from the other room. i don't think he knows i can ignore that shit until the end of time. i absolutely hate when people talk to me from the other room like they expect me to walk all the way out there to find out what stupid shit they are saying now. my mom used to do this to me all the time when i was little and my ignoring powers grew so advanced she started to think i had hearing problems and made me go to the hearing doctor and then when he told her i was just ignoring her she decided i had a mental problem and made me go to a psychiatrist.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

vagina power with alexis taylor

this weekend i was going to get a ride somewhere with my friend and i ended up not getting a ride because i was banned from the car by this girl in the car who hates me. this girl has hated me already for like two years or something and this weekend she said she is going to hate me FOR EVER. i already knew this girl hated me but i did not think she would actually care if i got in the car. i don't even think it was her car. who the fuck even bans people from being in cars with them? fourteen year olds? fourteen year olds don't even have cars. they ban you from getting in their mom's car. then their mom tells them to act their age, which they are. anyway it was kind of weird to find out this girl is going to hate me all the way until she dies. and i guess even after that. UNTIL THE END OF TIME. i personally can not comprehend that because i am one of those idiots who can't hate somebody for more than three days, even if i try really hard. that was like my fatal flaw in jr. high. inability to demonstrate longitudinal hatred. i bet this girl was super popular in jr. high. oh i bet you want to know why she hates me. you will never believe it. IT IS BECAUSE OF A GUY. haha of course it is. what is that lady's name who says dick will make you slap somebody? whatever her name is that lady is a god damn genius. DICK WILL MAKE YOU SLAP SOMEBODY! it really will. she is probably going to slap the hell out of me one day. i am surprised that hasn't happened yet. this other time like a month ago i accidentally smashed into her in line for the bathroom at a bar and when i said sorry she looked at me like she wanted to murder me and asked me what i was sorry for. I'M SORRY YOU'RE DICKMATIZED. god, girls are so dumb. i hope i never have to hate anybody for all of eternity, that sounds like a severe waste of my time.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

i hate the bus

i don't even get how people ride the bus. i always want to like riding the bus because if you look into a bus while it's going past it kind of looks like everyone in there is part of some kind of low budget movie about the beauty of ugliness, but then when you get inside it it is not actually like that at all.

the bus is like my mortal enemy. every time i ride my bike i feel like i'm in fucking frogger because every bus on the road, which is like twenty thousand of them, is about to run me over. last year i got sideswiped by a bus AT LEAST THREE TIMES. getting sideswiped by a bus is great especially if it sideswipes your bare skin and leaves A GIANT HICKEY all over you. when everyone at work asks you why there is a giant hickey covering your entire arm you can tell them it is because a bus tried to run you off the road. i could probably stop riding my bike like i'm on a fucking suicide mission and this would stop happening but shit just isn't fun for me if i don't kind of feel like i might die doing it.

obviously i almost got run over by a bus today and am still pissed about it. good thing i am the kind of asshole that will then get right in front of the bus in the middle of the street and refuse to move to the side. OH YOU DON'T WANT TO SHARE THE LANE WITH ME LIKE A NICE BUS, FINE, I GUESS I AM GOING TO TEACH EVERYONE ON YOU A LESSON BY RIDING MY BIKE DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PASS ME FOR SIX BLOCKS! this is the kind of asshole behavior that can make me feel good for the whole rest of the day because it nourishes that part of my heart that is dedicated to bus revenge. (like 30% of my heart is dedicated to bus revenge).

other things i thought about today besides bus revenge while i was riding my bike in the rain this morning were acid rain and those stupid things you can fasten to your bike above your back tire so water doesn't splash up on you. those things are stupid. what is the point of riding your bike in the rain if water is not going to splash up on you. i love going to work with dirty street water all over me. when you can show up at work with dirty street water all over you and still be the best looking one there that is when you know you have truly made it.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

meat is murder

i just made fried rice with ham and pineapple. not for me obviously because i am not a horribly disgusting human being who eats things like ham and pineapple at the same time. my roommate and my boyfriend both like that shit. my boyfriend picked up the rice for me and he got this shit that takes forty minutes to make. what the fuck kind of rice is this? i thought rice was supposed to take three minutes. or one minute i guess if you get the kind that is called minute rice. he said the forty minute rice is HIGHER QUALITY. hah, yeah right. like there are quality gradiations of rice. eating rice is like taking a newspaper and tearing it up into hundreds of little balled up peices and then eating it. something else that is disgusting is ham. where even is the blood of it? i thought meat is supposed to be soaking in it's own blood, that's the whole reason it is good. the blood. chicken doesn't really have that much blood either, which is weird since it totally has veins and arteries you can accidentally bite into if you want to have the most disgusting experience of your life. i wonder what a pigeon tastes like. probably better than chicken. pigeon is probably greasy as hell because those things are fucking fat and lazy. did you know that pigeons are not even scared of fire? so i guess that makes them either the smartest or the dumbest animal ever. seriously, they will get really close to fire. closer than i will. i wonder if you could teach a pigeon to cook. probably you could, i mean didn't they used to teach them to take messages to people in the old days? some hobo could totally teach one to fly up and drop the squirrel meat on the garbage can fire. except that would be one industrious hobo who would probalby not be a hobo for long.
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