Tuesday, April 29, 2008

i don't remember people.

this weekend i was at a bar in elgin and this guy walks up to me like HEY, ERIN LASTNAME? of course i had no idea who this guy was and probably said some thing snotty like YEAH, AND WHO MAY I SAY IS CALLING? it was my ex boyfriend from college. i guess i am going to have to embrace the fact that i am the kind of idiot who doesn't recognize people i used to bang.

this dude used to be glorious looking, now, eh, he is just okay. of course i told him so because i have no social filter. OH MY GOD DUDE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HEAD? he told me he was in medical school which is absolutely amazing because i always thought he was some kind of idiot. man, i wonder if any of my other ex boyfriends are secret geniuses.

that guy did used to be great looking though. plus he was completely fucking weird which is a big plus with me. he was dating some other chick named erin who pretty much looked exactly like me when i started dating him. if you can even call it dating, pretty much all we ever did was go to la salsa and eat burritos and then walk around aimlessly. he forgot to break up with the other erin before he started dating me and she used to call him all the time and he would just ignore it. so of course she somehow tracked me down and i was like UH, I GUESS YOU GUYS ARE BROKEN UP NOW...?...??? UH...?...DID YOU EVER NOTICE HE IS KIND OF AN IDIOT THOUGH? then i took her to la salsa. i still talk to that girl. i guess i should call her and tell her i saw our ex boyfriend.

Friday, April 25, 2008

another friday night

something rich people like is pretending to be poor. yesterday we had the skylights open and i was sitting under one getting rained on for ten minutes until dave started to close it and i was like HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, STOP, THIS IS AWESOME! I AM BELIEVING THAT I LIVE IN A SHANTY! too bad if i was actually poor and rain was pouring into my home i probably would not think it was cool at all. this is also like how stupid children of incredibly rich people think it is so cool to go out and get jobs on their own merit. do any normal people feel all incredible for getting a job on their own merit? no. pretty much my biggest goal in life is to meet someone who will give me a job i am in no way qualified for with no actual responsiblities. also my parents liked pretending we were poor for the first twenty years of my life, and they were so good at it i actually believed it was true. like even though everybody i knew had central air, did we have central air? of course not. we had a giant window unit that looked like it was probably the first air conditioner ever invented, and it was in the den, and when it was really hot my mom and dad would sleep on the couch in there and me and my brother would sleep on the floor, like poor people. then i got older and realized if you have a room in your house that you call a den, you are probably not actually poor. i guess my parents probably liked that shit because it made them feel less guilty about being upper middle class or something. i don't feel guilty about that shit at all. i am going to put the air conditioning on tomorrow and that shit is going to stay on until november. and if it is ever not fucking humid out again i am going to open all the windows and i am still going to leave the air on. it is not even wasteful, it is a business necessity, today at work my hair looked like a fucking lion and nobody took me seriously for the whole day.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

i brought my dad to the mutiny again

this time my bar dad was there WHOA, WHEN WORLDS COLLIDE. actually i don't know if that dude can be my bar dad anymore because the other day i'm pretty sure he showed me and sabrina some video footage of him molesting an underage girl. my dad loves the mutiny for some reason. i should probably start bringing him once a week. LOOK DAD, YOU CAN BUY DRINKS FOR ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS FOR THE SMALL PRICE OF $30 AT THIS FINE ESTABLISHMENT. my dad even bought drinks for my favorite bartender. maybe she can be his bar daughter.

my big plans for tonight are watching the office and eating microwave enchiladas. the great thing about mexican food is it tastes pretty much the same out of a microwave as it does when you go to an actual restaurant. that is also the great thing about hotdogs. the other great thing about hotdogs is they taste exactly the same coming up as they do going down, i really recommend them if you plan on drunken vomiting. oh god, hotdog vom. not very many foods taste good recycled. bacon is another one. and i guess pretty much anything smoked. lox. i am going to be honest with you and tell you that this is not new material, this is an actual conversation i had with my boyfriend today. it's pretty awesome when your boyfriend likes to purge the same foods as you do, a sign of beautiful true love.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

i wonder what it is like on your birthday in jail.

my roommate is still shunning his one friend so today i photoshopped a picture of him making the universal sign for call me and made a word bubble that said CALL ME and then i stuck it in some mail and wrote ATTN: DAVE LASTNAME on it, he actually thought that kid sent it to him. I HAVE THE BEST JOKES. of course i did this at work because i have more important shit to do at home, like practicing the comedic art of spitting out drinks. dave saw this thing on channel 11 where john ritter talks about how this is truly a learned skill, so now we are going to learn it.

i should also give a shout out to my ex boyfriend in the clink because his birthday was yesterday. don't ask me why i can remember when his birthday was and i can't even remember when my own birthday is half the time. probably because he was the most boring person ever and my friend amy told me it was because he was a taurus so now i am forced to remember that he was a taurus until the end of time. i'm not even sure why i thought that guy was so boring, looking back on it he probably wasn't even in the top ten of boring people i know. i don't know though, pretty much all i remember about those glorious times is getting fingerbanged behind a dumpster, climbing onto the roof of my high school and almost breaking my leg, and him getting arrested and his mom calling me a slut. also i had a huge crush on his best friend. pretty much the story of my life those days was banging exceptionally attractive people and secretly pining away for their uglier and more hilarious best friends.

in case you forgot my ex boyfriend is incarcerated for killing someone with his car in the midst of a drunken stupor. i think ninety percent of my ex boyfriends have drunk driving records. they are probably all going to jail one day. i think that's the only one whose mom called me a slut though, so i guess my memories for him are extra special.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

what i want to be when i grow up

today i was buying some v8 from the vending machine and i look at my quarter and i swear to god it says LIVE FREE OR DIE on it. i felt like rowdy roddy piper in the greatest movie of all time, they live, where he puts on those special glasses and suddenly all the money says I AM YOUR GOD on it or whatever. then i realized it was just the new hampshire state quarter. thank god i made it past the turn of the century, where every state has its own quarter. remember when there was only one kind of quarter and it had an eagle on it? god those days were hard. i can't wait until i am president and i can remodel all 50 quarters after my own experiences. like, INDIANA: METH AND DESPAIR and MISSISSIPI: IF RACISM WAS A STATE.

i'm pretty sure i could probalby be president one day. if barack obama can become president surely i too can become president. this is fucking america. i can do whatever i want. probably i am going to get hate comments for this but i don't even get what the big deal about barack obama is. i guess i will probably vote for him personally just because he admitted he's done blow. when i run for president i also will admit to doing blow. SHIT YES I'VE DONE COCAINE, i will say when they ask me, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A NERD? everyone will vote for me because i will be so effing cool.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

fuck you cta

i am going to start riding my bike to work again THANK GOD. i absolutely hate taking the train to work in the morning. if you want to see the biggest douchebags in your life they are all on the blue line at 7am. except then after you start riding your bike for a while you realize all the other douchebags who are not on the train are riding their stupid bikes down milwaukee, oh well, my bike is faster SEE YOU LATER DOUCHEBAGGERS. then they catch up to you at the stoplights and are like HEY, THAT'S A BOYS BIKE. i can't wait for the first person of the year to tell me that i am riding a boys bike. OH REALLY IS THIS A BOYS BIKE, I DIDN'T KNOW. too bad my bike is the best one on the fucking road. i will show you a picture of it, the best bike on the planet, better than your bike.

it's the one on the right. what a great picture. that boombox represents beautiful roommate compromise, it is for listening to baseball games in the spring because i can not tolerate them on tv. the bike on the left is the guest bike. also please note how i tied my tree up with plastic bags because i am too poor to afford twine. the city of chicago is trying to outlaw plastic bags i read it in the reader. why anybody would want to outlaw something that has infinity number of uses, i have no idea. probably what the city should actually outlaw is the reader. like i really need to read another article about some stupid hipster lady that paints pictures of her stupid pug dog. a plastic bag is infintely more useful to me than that stupid newspaper. what am i supposed to suffocate my baby with, my bare hands?

wow, that is a magnificent bike, i think i would like to have sex with it.

something else i would like to have sex with is this fucking burger, too bad i ate it. A HAMBURGER WITH A FUCKING HOTDOG ON TOP OF IT. i am gay for that burger. the whole time i was eating it i kept saying shit like THIS FUCKING BURGER IS GOD DAMN AMAZING. THE RATIO OF HOTDOG TO HAMBURGER, OH MY GOD. something else that is fucking amazing is this window display of jesus on crutches that me and mandy found on the way home from kuma's.
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