Friday, February 15, 2008

more things i should not be allowed to do

i should not be allowed to watch ultimate fighting. or pride. if you did not know, pride is basically the exact same thing as ultimate fighting except with more asians. is it sad that i know this? i usually fast forward through the asian fights because i can not relate to asian people. and that is why i should not be allowed to watch ultimate fighting. it excites me to the point of racism.

that is dan henderson. he sounds like an old grandpa when he talks. i am pretty sure he is going to take me on a date one day. i watch this shit and i become totally delusional. WHEN DAN HENDERSON ASKS ME ON A DATE, I WILL SAY YES! i say. i tell my boyfriend that i am going to go on three or four dates with dan henderson and that he will probably teach me many awesome take downs and submissions. at the time that i say this i actually believe that it will truly happen.

then i chase my boyfriend all around the house and terrorize him with my awesome take down moves i learned from watching ultimate fighting. yesterday he tried to subdue me by picking me up and holding me upside down and i kicked him in the face. this is an awesome strategy i learned from watching ultimate fighting, ALWAYS KEEP KICKING AND HITTING. if you kick someone in the face while they are holding you upside down you will get dropped on your head though. that is also a lesson i learned. luckily i don't care if i get dropped on my head because i have the undefeatable spirit of an ultimate fighter. my roommate thinks these episodes are utterly hilarious because my boyfriend can't control me at all even though he is twice the size of me.

i guess i am going to learn this sweet ass guillotine move next. i don't know why that guy is wearing a wet suit, nor do i care because that is not dan henderson, and i only care about dan henderson, and that guys hair looks like pubes.

i also practice submissions on my dogs. i'm trying to teach them how to tap out. tapping out is what you do when you are a pussy and you want the fight to end because the other guy is breaking your arm. if i was an ultimate fighter i would never tap out. first of all i would never need to, but even if i did i would just let my stupid arm get broken. it would be like i was the winner even though i was the loser because everyone would talk about how i am so awesome i didn't even care that my arm got ripped off because i refused to submit. i would pick up my dead right arm with my left one and use it to clobber the other guy.
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