Tuesday, February 26, 2008

stuff white people like.

white people love imaginary constructs. like credit. i don't even know what credit is but i'm pretty sure it is not actually real. yesterday i told my mom i didn't care about my credit because i am never going to buy a house. actually i told her twice. i think she misheard me the first time because she looked at me like i said i like to fuck dogs. apparently i am supposed to care about this credit thing, because if i care about it enough i can get more imaginary credit and then i can use it to do other imaginary things, like pretending to own real estate. real estate is what they call it when you pretend to own land. i guess they put the word real in there to distract you from the fact that this is all going on in your own imagination. if you aren't pretending to own real estate white people will tell you that you are throwing your money away. throwing it away!

i am going to rent a crappy apartment until the day i die. probably this one. i will probably stay in this crappy apartment until the day i die. right now i pay $500 a month aka $6000 a year to sleep and eat in this crappy apartment. i guess that means that over the next thirty years i am going to spend $180k on sleeping and eating at this place. maybe i should make that $300k because i guess my rent is probably going to go up 10 times in the next thirty years. alot of people are not cool with paying $300k to sleep and eat at a place because they think they might as well own the damn place for that much. i think people pretty much all think it is their manifest destiny to own everything in sight. seriously, if you don't own a lot of things you might as well start fucking dogs because that is how people are going to look at you. like a dog fucker.

i don't think alot of people even understand the concept of credit though. i mean i don't even believe in credit, but as far as i can tell, it is kind of like the bank raping you in the mouth. like say you buy a house for $300k and you get to pay it for 30 years at 10% interest. 10% interest basically means you pay the bank 10% of 300k for thirty years. in case you don't know what 10% of 300k is, it is THIRTY THOUSAND DOLLARS. aka $2500 a month. so if your stupid mortgage payment is 3k a month then you get to pay $36,000 that year and then the next year you owe $294,000. sorry if this is boring for you guys but pretty much you end up paying like a million dollars for your stupid bungalow in the suburbs. i don't know if you ever read that book 'how much is a million' when you were a kid, but it is A REAL FUCKING LOT.

sorry this was the most boring blog post ever, it is dedicated to my mom and also white people everywhere, so you can blame them.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

dave does not sell yayo (but he probably would if he was less apathetic)

my roommate's (dave's) friend whitey i guess told everyone this weekend that dave sells coke so now dave is punishing whitey by shunning him. i am shunning him too because i love my roommate in a sick fourth grader way where i can't like anyone that he doesn't like. the most hilarious part of this whole episode is the idea of dave selling cocaine. DAVE WEARS CARDIGAN SWEATERS AND HIS FAVORITE WORD IS LOVELY. dude, he doesn't even have a phone. too bad if dave tried selling cocaine he would accidentally do it all. and then if any was left over he would give it to me and i would probably have to sell it, and i would have to start paying him an allowance. he would probalby use his allowance to buy more lovely cardigan sweaters at the thrift store. haha yeah right 'i would sell it,' i would also accidentally do it all. we would both accidentally do it all and then we would have a four hour conversation about whether or not the life aquatic was totally gay. HEY! LET'S DO BLOW AND TALK ABOUT HOW OUR DADS DIDN'T LOVE US ENOUGH!

god, i wish someone would tell all my friends i was selling blow. no crack. i wish someone would tell all my friends i was cooking up crack in my apartment and selling it on the streets. ON THE STREETS! then they could do an intervention on me. hopefully there would be snacks at the intervention and hopefully at least one person would call me a chicken head. i would totally blog about it.

Friday, February 15, 2008

more things i should not be allowed to do

i should not be allowed to watch ultimate fighting. or pride. if you did not know, pride is basically the exact same thing as ultimate fighting except with more asians. is it sad that i know this? i usually fast forward through the asian fights because i can not relate to asian people. and that is why i should not be allowed to watch ultimate fighting. it excites me to the point of racism.

that is dan henderson. he sounds like an old grandpa when he talks. i am pretty sure he is going to take me on a date one day. i watch this shit and i become totally delusional. WHEN DAN HENDERSON ASKS ME ON A DATE, I WILL SAY YES! i say. i tell my boyfriend that i am going to go on three or four dates with dan henderson and that he will probably teach me many awesome take downs and submissions. at the time that i say this i actually believe that it will truly happen.

then i chase my boyfriend all around the house and terrorize him with my awesome take down moves i learned from watching ultimate fighting. yesterday he tried to subdue me by picking me up and holding me upside down and i kicked him in the face. this is an awesome strategy i learned from watching ultimate fighting, ALWAYS KEEP KICKING AND HITTING. if you kick someone in the face while they are holding you upside down you will get dropped on your head though. that is also a lesson i learned. luckily i don't care if i get dropped on my head because i have the undefeatable spirit of an ultimate fighter. my roommate thinks these episodes are utterly hilarious because my boyfriend can't control me at all even though he is twice the size of me.

i guess i am going to learn this sweet ass guillotine move next. i don't know why that guy is wearing a wet suit, nor do i care because that is not dan henderson, and i only care about dan henderson, and that guys hair looks like pubes.

i also practice submissions on my dogs. i'm trying to teach them how to tap out. tapping out is what you do when you are a pussy and you want the fight to end because the other guy is breaking your arm. if i was an ultimate fighter i would never tap out. first of all i would never need to, but even if i did i would just let my stupid arm get broken. it would be like i was the winner even though i was the loser because everyone would talk about how i am so awesome i didn't even care that my arm got ripped off because i refused to submit. i would pick up my dead right arm with my left one and use it to clobber the other guy.

i am supposed to go to a party for stockbrokers today

should i go to a party for stockbrokers? one of my psychotic friends is a stockbroker and i am supposed to go to his work party or something. pros: free booze, cons: stockbrokers. i don't actually know any stockbrokers but i don't really want to meet any either. i bet they are all going to be geeked out of their minds and wearing ties around their heads. god i just want to watch twin peaks until my roommate falls asleep and then throw snow on him. that is my idea of a good time.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

ass douche dick shake

i got to hang out with the most annoying dick face ever this weekend. me and mandy went to pick this idiot up and it took him 25 minutes to come out of his house so we were all sitting in the car freezing to death while this dick face tried to decide which stupid flannel shirt made him look more like he didn't give a shit about what he was wearing or whatever the fuck he was doing in there. then he gets in the car and won't tell us where to go so i'm like OKAY LET'S GO TO CLEO'S and he is like CLEO'S BEFORE TEN O'CLOCK? sorry dick face, i only go to cleo's before ten o'clock because if i listen to bon jovi after the clock hits double digits i turn into your mom. then we decided to leave cleo's for whatever reason (because it sucks and is full of ugly people) and stupid dick face wouldn't tell us where he wanted to go so me and mandy drove to treat which took like 10 whole minutes and not until we're parking the car is he like ARE THERE VEGAN OPTIONS? hm, i am really not conveying how annoying that was. here, read that part again but read it SUPER FUCKING SURLY. don't worry dude, you can get your stupid vegan coconut gemelli there, don't forget to ask the waitress if it's vegan EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS IT IS VEGAN RIGHT ON THE STUPID YUPPIE VEGETARIAN PAUVRE HIPSTER MENU. then me and mandy started talking about eating abortion duck fetus straight from the eggshell and he is like HOW IS IT NOT COOL TO HAVE AN ABORTION BUT IT IS COOL TO EAT DUCK FETUS IN THE EGG. uh, i though we were living in the year two thousand and eight and all the cool kids were having nonchalant abortions at home IT IS SO COOL TO HAVE AN ABORTION, DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT COOL IS? this guy doesn't even know what cool is. then he started talking about how he used to study sociology back in the day. dude, you are 29 years old, stop acting like you are a veteran of life. mandy says he thinks he is better than everyone else because he is a professional grad student. guess what, i am a professional grad student too so i know what i am talking about when i tell you that professional graduate students are the biggest losers on the planet. then me and mandy pretended like we had to go home because we were tired even though it was NINE PM ON A SATURDAY and i guess everyone else went to dick face's house and he told them all he was fucking 12 different girls. yeah right, even i would never sleep with this guy, and i'm pretty sure i've slept with people who can't even read. anyway the only cool thing about sleeping with 12 people at a time is when your friends are like HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH ANYWAY? and then it takes you twenty minutes to figure it out because you keep forgetting one and you are like OH IS THAT A LOT? I DON'T EVEN KNOW BECAUSE I AM SO COOL AND SEXUALLY LIBERATED! anyway that guy is either a liar or a rapist. god, this is why i never leave the house.

Monday, February 04, 2008

peanut butter jelly time

there are workmen in my house again because we got a washer and dryer and they are building a cave for it. i don't know why the washer and dryer can't just sit in the middle of the hallway. the washer is one of those front loding ones you can watch your clothes spin around in. why hide that shit? i know why, because it turns me into a retard. seriously i want to sit in front of it and paint my toenails while i watch all my clothes make soapy friends with each other. they have been building this washer dryer cave for like two weeks. i could have built this thing in one hour. i think they made it out of cardboard and staples. god these workmen better get out of here soon, they are driving me out of my fucking mind. i have never heard so much noise in my entire life. also they took all my environmental lightbulbs out and replaced them with cheap shitty ones. what the fuck! they probably thought i would never notice, too bad that is the first thing i noticed when i walked into the house. i don't believe these workmen stole my lightbulbs. i just made juice out of turnip greens and tomoatoes. yeah, that is what i am actually doing right now, drinking homemade turnip juice and blogging about lightbulbs. wow. do you know how many cigarettes i am going to have to smoke before i feel cool again? probably a lot.
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