Friday, January 25, 2008

things that i am not thankful for (a to the mothafuckin k)

i stole this idea from raymi

A. Arrested development, circa the for british eyes only era. seriously? what the fuck was that??? why do you build me up, buttercup baby just to let me down? accidentally dating a retarded person is fucking hilarious, how do you fuck that up? are you punishing me for not watching you while you were still on the air?

B. Bestiality. seriously i stayed home all weekend because these workmen were working on my apartment and i was scared if i left them alone there they might rape my dog. i know what a dog raper looks like because one time i google imaged bestiality looking for a picture of an asian girl shooting eels out of her pussy to post on sabrina's myspace comments. i hate these workmen for forcing me to drink alone.

C. Continence. what the fuck continent people? i know that peeing your pants is cool because drunk people do it and everybody knows that drunk people are cool. fuck continent people, trying to shame everybody into being lame and using stupid toilets. that shit is so not spontaneous.

D. Daylight savings time. daylight savings time makes no fucking sense. i am way too lazy to change my clocks twice a year because some loser with a job wants it to be light out earlier. sometimes i want it to be light out earlier too and that is when i turn on a fucking light. was daylight savings time invented before electrity? i doubt it because if it was it would probably be called something way less gay than daylight savings time. that is definitely some modern era gayness.

E. Erin. Thanks mom and dad, for naming me erin, so every time i meet a stupid irish person they can think i am one of them. irish people are fucking disgusting and they eat disgusting poor people food like potatoes and they are ugly and common looking. oh, are you a stupid irish person reading my blog and getting pissed that i called you poor and ugly? why don't you shut up and go get drunk because that is probably the only cool thing you will ever do.

F. Flying. i have dreams i am flying all the time and it is probably the coolest thing that has ever happened to me. then i wake up furious at the stupid laws of physics for making reality so lame that i can only do truly awesome things in my own dreams. what the fuck.

G. Gastric bypass surgery. do people really have to have a surgery that renders their stomachs incapable of holding food in order to stop themselves from eating everything in sight? i guess that is how lazy fat people are, they can't just starve themselves out of self loating like everybody else. wait, if the fact that people have gastric bypass surgery makes me feel like less of a jerk about the fact that i have been shunning fat people since i was five then i guess it should not be on this list because i actually am thankful for it.

H. Heretics. in like 2001 my derelict roommate was telling me about how he used the word heretic and our other roommate was like WOW I'M IMPRESSED THAT IS A BIG WORD and he was all pissed off about it. he's like WHO THE FUCK DOESN'T KNOW WHAT A HERETIC IS? DOES SHE THINK I'M RETARDED? that is where i was like YEAH SERIOUSLY EVERYBODY KNOWS WHAT A HERETIC IS even though i actually have no fucking idea. this is like a deep source of shame for me. i've probably looked it up seven times since then but i guess i keep forgetting.

I. Insane Clown Posse. is this a band? i don't even know. what i do know is what a juggalo is and i'm pretty sure my life was better before i aquired this knowledge. the sad part is i can't even remember when or where i acquired it. oh my god are juggalos part of our collective conscious? i would say fuck it, and move to france, but i bet they have them there too. much like death and taxes, you will never completely escape the juggalos.

J. god this is a hard one. what am i less thankful for, jizz or this bitch named jennifer that tried to indoctrinate me into scientology? if jizz isn't sticking to your teeth it's making you pregnant which is pretty fucking annoying, but is it really more annoying than this?

probably not.

K. ky jelly commercials. have you ever seen one of those commercials? they are all filled with people who look like they have never had sex in their life. people that are like 'try a massage with this new ky warming liquid!' UH, THAT SHIT IS NOT FOR MASSAGES, THAT SHIT IS FOR FUCKING. how come commercials for shampoo are all about fucking and commercials for ky jelly are about wholesome activities such as massage therapy?
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