Wednesday, January 23, 2008

i am a hero

today i uncovered a wrongful foreclosure within like 10 minutes of getting to work. so i decided i might as well fuck off for the whole rest of the day and then i spent 40 minutes walking around the office looking for places for fucking, like if anybody wanted to fuck at work what would be the spot. i didn't really find anything so then i walked around pretending i could shrink myself and other people to like thumbelina size, and where would be the places to fuck then. pretty much anywhere. like i could jump in the slot in the garbage can for shredding and fuck amid all the sensitive documents. except i probably wouldn't be able to get back out and then i would get shredded. and whatever idiot was in there with me would probably cry and i would hate it. seriously this is what i do all day.

then i went back to my desk and there were flowers on it. my assistant says 'your boyfriend sent you flowers.' uh, i am pretty sure my boyfriend doesn't know where i work. like i guess he is aware that i have a job but i don't think he actually knows like what building it is in. i told my assistant this and he didn't believe me for some reason.

'maybe it's your attorney' he says. i work for lots of attorneys but only one of them will come into my office and be like 'hey, you're my legal assistant, assist me' and make me respond to these psychotic text messages this girl keeps sending him. i'll do it too because he lets me sit in his chair and pretend to be a lawyer when i am bored. HEY I'M BORED, WHY DON'T YOU GO MAKE SOME COPIES AND I WILL SIT IN YOUR CHAIR AND PRETEND TO BE A LAWYER. ALSO CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT BECAUSE I AM GOING TO DRINK THE WHISKEY THAT IS IN YOUR FILE CABINET. god, i am the best legal assistant ever. i love how my assistant thought maybe my attorney sent me flowers, that was the stupidest shit i have heard all day. has he ever seen my attorney? um, all his clothes are held together by safety pins. i am pretty sure he has never even seen a flower before.

then he thought maybe it was this other attorney that used to bang the other girl we work with. i almost believe that dummy would send me flowers. one time he walked into my office and i was stamping my arm over and over again with the contested stamp and ever since then he pretty much sits at his desk and stares at me like i am preforming miracles every time i walk past his office. which is like seven hundred times a day because it's on the way to the copier. he is one of those guys that combs his hair and i'm pretty sure his big fantasy or whatever involves saving me from myself.

anyway then i tried getting rid of these flowers because seriously nobody knows where i work so i guess they had to come from within and i hated the idea of some idiot walking past my office and seeing his stupid flowers on my desk. this is how stalkers delude themselves into thinking that you are in a relationship with them, and then they kill you.

anyway then i was carrying these flowers around trying to pawn them off on somebody and i find this card that fell inside of them and they're from this guy thanking me for saving his home because i seriously spent at least 30 hours last week dedicating myself to saving this guy's house because i liked his handwriting and he had an old man name. you guys, this guy called me an angel. ha, you know who has never called me an angel before? anybody i have ever actually met in reality. whatever, being nice to strangers is romantic, there is nothing romantic about being nice to your friends, that shit is played. i prefer treating my friends like they are not even human beings. it's part of my charm.
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