Wednesday, January 16, 2008

happy birthday blood clot

one year ago i had an abortion at home. here is a picture of me pregnant and not knowing it on new years eve.

i found out i was pregnant during a teleconference with sabrina. yeah, i took a pregnancy test LIVE VIA THE WEB. i think it went something like this:

gaya bukkake says: OH MY FUCK I HAVE CREATED THE MIRACLE OF LIFE INSIDE OF ME.

mary has aids says: i hate that i just laughed so hard at that.

then i called planned parenthood like immediately. then i called jenny and afforded her the incredible opportunity of accompanying her slutty friend to the abortion clinic. they didn't have any appointments for like a week which meant that for like a week i got to tell my roommate HEY GET ME A GLASS OF WATER, I GUESS I COULD DO IT MYSELF IF I WASN'T A FAT PREGNANT WHORE. oh my god i was like a giant fat fountian of hormones and hilarity.

i did not even tell the baby father at all. i had to borrow $100 from five different people. one of whom made me meet her up at an atm in the freezing fucking cold to get my abortion money which was also hilarious. it was like, god, am i really doing this right now?

i was so fucking glad jenny took me to planned parenthood. it was like me and jenny and seven other people that looked miserable. too bad just the knowledge that i probably should not burst out laughing made everything like unbearably riotous. we had to leave the room like six times so we could talk about everybody else that was still in there. like there was this one old guy that was like contorting his body into amazing shapes so that no part of him would be touching the girl he he was with, and this other girl that would not stop crying and making the most hilarious noises and she was wearing BUNNY RABBIT SLIPPERS and her boyfriend was listening to his ipod. i guess you bring a guy in there and they think they have to pretend to act all sad and then you are like OH FUCK NO, I GUESS I SHOULD PROBABLY START CRYING LIKE A FUCKING INSANE MANIAC NOW SINCE I AM NOT GOING TO LET THIS IDIOT ACT SADDER THAN ME. or else they sit there listening to their ipod and you are like OH FUCK NO, I GUESS I SHOULD PROBALBY START CRYING LIKE AN INSANE FUCKING MANIAC RIGHT NOW SINCE I AM SITTING NEXT TO THE BIGGEST IDIOT ON THE PLANET. apparently if you bring a guy you end up crying into your pamphlets and if you bring jenny it is almost like you are at a slumber party. here is a picture of me and jenny at a bar having slightly less fun then we had at planned parenthood.

they gave me a vaginal ultrasound. that is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. a giant dildo that takes pictures of your vagina. then i got to go sit in this room with all these other girls, they like corral you into this room until it fills up and then the doctor comes and gives you all your pills and watches you to make sure you swallow them. bunny rabbit slippers was sitting right across from me and i pretty much just watched her cry the whole time and wondered if i should try to make myself look sad or something. like maybe this girl thought i was a bitch because i didn't look all devestated. god, that is the self absorbed nature of human beings, you guys. sitting at the abortion clinic wondering if the girl across from you with the ruined life thinks you are a bitch. i know that girl was not thinking of me at all. also all the surgical abortion girls are recovering in the same room too except they are all drugged and moaning and have blankets over their legs like cripples. i am guessing a surgical abortion is not as fun and hilarious as a medical one.

then jenny took me to popeyes and we watched sin city. oh yeah i made her stop and buy me a giant bag of maxi pads because you are not supposed to use a tampon during this time even though you are bleeding profusely. the first pill they give you makes you get your period or something and then the next day you take the other pill that causes spontaneous miscarriage or whatever.

jessica came over for the second pill and she ordered me an egg salad sandwhich from the goddess and the grocer. i decided i was like the most amazing person ever because the abortion pill was having like no physical effects on me whatsoever. I AM SO AMAZING! i said. then et came over and that is when i started to feel like my uterus was a person and someone was choking the fuck out of it WITH MY OWN INTESTINES. seriously i could not even talk and i might have even been crying. et, if you are reading this, was i crying? i don't even think i knew whether i was crying or not at the time. if i was actually crying it might have been because et is a bitch and she put american idol on probably because she knew i was too weak to resist her. then i projectile vomited all over her and my entire apartment. like i knew i was throwing up so i started running all around except i was still throwing up and it was seriously all over the place. i was probably also crying from pain during this time. god i bet that was amazing to watch. and then my roommate came home at like that exact time. then a flower guy came and brought me flowers in a margarita glass that said something like I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING THE FEELING OF YOUR UNBORN CHILD RIPPING OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW, LOVE, SABRINA.

even though it was incredibly painful it only hurt for like one and one half hours. after that i pretty much ate the painkillers they gave me and bled all over the place. you bleed for like weeks. like i woke up the next day and my ankles were bloody. i guess i should probably go put on my bloody abortion sweatpants right now to commemorate the occasion. yes i saved them because they look like i went on a murderous rampage in them, which is awesome.

it was nowhere near as scary or traumatic as i thought it would be. actually it was not scary or traumatic at all. i felt so little about the whole thing that i wondered if something was terribly wrong with me. hopefully someone who has scheduled an at home abortion will google AT HOME ABORTION like i did and read this. if you do or if you already had an at home abortion, or a surgical abortion, or a coathanger abortion, and you really didn't give a shit about any of it, i promise you there is nothing wrong with you.

i really wish my camera hadn't been broken at the time because i would totally breach the laws of decorum and post a picture of my abortion on here. i think people need to know what a six week abortion looks like. not like what they look like in jesus camp.
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