Sunday, December 30, 2007

christmas was pretty awesome this year. my parents got me a world atlas of flip charts. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS AND WHY WOULD I WANT IT, i said, because that is the type of lovely daughter i am. then i made some hilarious comments about finally being equipped to give a presentation on the topography of zimbabwe. then a bank book with a thousand dollars of travel funds fell out. oops, my bad, thanks mom and dad. i think i will go to machu picchu.

now i am trying to clean my house because i guess all my idiot friends are coming over here for new years because i am too lazy to leave the house. i just spent 20 minutes organizing my giant cupboard full of tea. that is like my main problem in life. if i am faced with a chore i will avoid it in any way possible even if it means doing something even more annoying than what i was originally supposed to be doing.

new years is the stupidest holiday ever. it is like you are supposed to have all this fun and then nothing actually happens. last year i went to tahoe for new years and spent the final moments of 2006 drinking jager in a parking lot with a bunch of 19 year olds. then i got bitch slapped by a 45 year old woman and ended the night climbing through a broken window.

Monday, December 24, 2007

i guess it is christmas tomorrow. i am making spanish porkchops with this fucking awesome sauce on them made out of everything disgusting such as garlic and capers and anchovies. garbage porkchops. also i have to find emmet otter's jug band christmas so i can force my family to watch it. emmet otter's jug band christmas is about a bunch of woodland creatures who form a washtub band so that they can win a talent show and make everybody's christmas dreams come true. i have been watching this shit since i was born.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

who the fuck do you think you are?

today i got to listen to some dumb girl talk about how she doesn't choose to invest her money on education. i personally think education is a pretty good investment. then instead of sitting around thinking you are better than everyone you can sit around actually knowing that you are better than everyone plus you have peices of paper that prove it. i guess this is what uneducated people think that educated people sit around thinking all day, and that is why they have to tell me what a waste my life is, so my giant egg head doesn't explode megalomania all over their dry clean only sweaters. except if you think you are going to like self teach yourself to brilliance and beyond it is actually you who are a megalomaniac, like who do you think you are stephen hawking? oh wait, stephen hawking went to college. WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM GOOD WILL HUNTING? maybe some people do not even concern themselves with brilliance. i am jealous of those people because they probably have very comfortable lives. anyway here is my question. are these people serious? every time somebody starts telling me about what a complete waste education is i immediately start thinking HERE WE HAVE A PERSON WHO IS SO SCARED OF HIS STUPID LIFE HE CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT. is it like how i am constantly talking about how i don't give a fuck if anybody likes me or not? because i totally give a fuck if people like me or not. i give, like, a thousand fucks. god i'm so stupid. everybody in the world is so stupid. and if the word uneducated was an apt description of me i bet i would be fucking bitter too.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

christmas list i gave my dad this year

anything that is gray
anything that is conceptual
anything with a hood.
all three? yes please.
all white rubix cube.
book to learn braille.
little brother named charlie that i can call chaz.
anything with excessive zippers
anything with excessive buckles
digital video camera. required to be good for stop motion animation. not required to be good for anything else.
knowledge of what exactly is going on in the warehouse on fullerton that says DEADTECH on it.
white pit bull that answers to the name of coco chanel. bonus for natural black markings that resemble interlocking c logo.
rorschach inkblots
painting of a man with flies swarming out of his mouth. one of the flies should be saying 'i tried to tell you' in small letters. the man should appear to be in agony.
books written by men named john.
real state in an imaginary place.

Thursday, December 06, 2007


look it's me enjoying some freedom

while my ex boyfriend is incarcerated.

my ex boyfriend from high school is seriously in prison for aggravated dui / death of another. what the fuck! god he was pretty. i guess he is going to get ass raped from now until his tentative parole date of 2016. should i write him a letter? i think i am going to write my boyfriend from high school a letter in prison.

i wonder who he killed. was it one of those adorable families from the dui commercials? oh my god what if it was! don't worry i won't ask until the third letter. if i was in prison i would totally want all my ex boyfriends to write me letters all the time. i would write back and critique their spelling just to make sure they knew i was superior to them all even though i was in prison.

Sunday, December 02, 2007

sleeping pills

i watched 28 weeks later. what the fuck. i never watched 28 days later because i had a strong psychic premonition that it was going to be stupid as hell but for some reason i decided to watch its sequel on the recommendation of the same person who told me i should watch bug and the host. why can't i even find a bad review of the host, too bad it was the stupidest movie i have ever seen in my life. god i guess i am like the battered woman that keeps going back. BUT I KNOW THE MOVIE WILL BE GOOD THIS TIME. THIS TIME WILL BE DIFFERENT. within the first three minutes i knew i was going to fall asleep. not because i was tired but because my awesome brain protects itself from idiocy by making me fall asleep whenever i am confronted with something incredibly stupid. i asked my boyfriend if we were watching reign of fire. reign of fire is this dumb movie about dragons in the future that makes me fall asleep if i even look at the case. then he started talking about the use of setting to confer cinematic themes or some shit. uh i don't know when my boyfriend started turning smart but he better stop because i hate it. then the zombies came and there was a bunch of artistic camera work that practically gave me a seizure and then i woke up two hours later. i am so pissed at this movie for totally discrediting my theory that zombies in a movie automatically make it good. i haven't even seen a decent movie since rob zombie's halloween and that movie was only good until i thought about it and realized how stupid it was for michael meyers to have a backstory. isn't the whole thing that is scary about michael myers that he is psychotic for absolutely no reason? i don't want to think about michael myers being driven to psychosis by a bunch of abusive white trash shitheads THAT SHIT IS RATIONAL AND YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO RATIONALIZE PURE EVIL. if michael meyers is going to have a backstory it should at least involve indian burial grounds or ouija boards gone awry or something. jesus rob zombie, don't you know anything? will someone please reccomend me an actual good movie so i can restore my faith in cinema?
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