Friday, November 30, 2007
i got a new desk at my job. like in an office instead of a cubicle and i have a giant window which is awesome but now i also have my back to a door and so i'm probably going to get shot to death at work or something. seriously i work at a foreclosure law office i probably really will get shot to death. too bad i guess i love wndows more than i love being alive. i guess i am also going to start carrying aces and eights around all day so after i die from getting shot in the back people can compare me to wild bill hickock. that is really all i want out of life. to look out of windows and be in general reminiscent of wild bill. i feel bad for the other people in the office with me because i pretty much sit there all day and am like 'HEY LOOK AT THAT LITTLE HOUSE ON TOP OF THAT ROOF, I AM PRETENDING I LIVE IN THAT HOUSE. YOU GUYS I CAN SEE INTO SOME GUYS OFFICE ACROSS THE STREET AND HE HAS TONS OF LIQUOR IN THERE.' the downside to having a new desk is that i don't sit across from the punk rock attorney anymore because i really loved sitting across from that guy and watching him change his clothes ten thousand times a day. seriously this guy shows up in the morning in entire outfits held together by safety pins and then he puts on a suit and goes to court and then he changes back into the safety pins and then he changes into a suit and goes to court again. he seriously changes his clothes every twentyfive minutes. god this guy probably hates himself. the other day he was wearing some kind of dirty ass sweatshirt with some anarchy shit pinned to it. i can't wait to ask him how it is even possible to be a lawyer and also an anarchist at the same time. i am going to ask him when i am drunk as fuck at the christmas party so that it hurts less when he punches me in the face. also the great thing about my desk is that nobody else wanted to sit there because the guy that used to sit there threw himself out of the window one day and everybody is scared of his ghost or something. i don't even care. maybe he will show up at night and finish all my work i left out. they painted the window shut but i guess i could still become possessed with the bad ju ju of the desk and throw myself through the glass. except i would probably bounce back into the office. oh my god that would be the most hilarious thing ever. FAILED SUICIDE ATTEMPT SHOWS LACK OF PRAGMATISM; AFFECTS PERFORMANCE REVIEW.
Friday, November 23, 2007
thanksgiving is awesome
i went to everything in boxes today, the best store in the universe. i should really hate everything about this store because it's pretty much just a giant room with tons of retarded shit laying all over the floor and they don't have carts they have boxes on a string, so all these people are pulling around boxes full of stupid shit, it's disgusting, it is like straight out of tom goes to the mayor. i guess true love really is blind. and then i go there and i turn into a crazy old lady or something and have to buy up all the bargains in sight. that is what it's really called, bargains in a box. i don't know why i call it everything in boxes, i guess because i am mentally three years old and have to make my own words for things. i got a teapot for five dollars. everything there is one dollar, two dollars, five dollars or ten dollars. and it is all color coded. hot pink = $5. most of the really cool shit is five dollars. i also got some shit to plug my ipod into the wall. fuck yes, my life is no longer going to be dictated by batteries. i tried buying this shit from apple one time, that shit was fifty dollars and it turned out just being a dock and i am supposed to then buy the plug which is probably also like fifty bucks. who buys basically a stand for their ipod for fifty bucks? me, because i am an idiot who is fooled by apple's deceptive packaging. too bad i can buy that shit at everything in boxes for five dollars.
Friday, November 16, 2007
actual conversation my roommate had with his actual retarded aunt:
actual retarded person. has down syndrome. yeah this lady has down syndrome and also grew up in a bar. anyway she lives with dave's mom and he's over there for her birthday and after they eat cake and watch that bee movie with jerry seinfeld (bad movie. retarded people don't like it. non-retarded people don't like it.) she calls him into the room all serious and says "should i get a gun, or should i not get a gun." because apparently some lady at the place she works at, which is one of those places where retarded people make shoelaces for a dollar an hour or whatever, anyway this other retarded lady fucked with her cake and now she wants revenge. that is what she kept saying when dave told her retarded people are not allowed to get guns. BUT HOW AM I GOING TO GET REVENGE??? HOW AM I GOING TO GET EVEN??? he's like i don't know dee, but i don't think you should get a gun. and she goes I KNOW. MAYBE I SHOULD STAB HER IN THE FACE. dude, this lady is not only going to stab a retarded chick for fucking with her birthday cake she is going to stab her IN THE FACE. anyway dave somehow talked her out of it and the whole thing ended with her deciding she is going to get the toughest ass retarded motherfucker at work to beat the cake eater's ass. oh man. IT IS LIKE THESE PEOPLE ARE IN PRISON. sometimes i seriously wish i was retarded.
Monday, November 12, 2007
i have seen the future, and it sucks.
what i hate today is my ipod. we are living in the future. where is my fucking flying car? at least apple is here to simplify my life with such innovative design concepts as the NO ON-OFF SWITCH. on off switches are so 1997. god, i wish i had a time machine so i could go back in time and impress the shit out of everyone with the fact that i actually own a device which contains no visable method for shutting it down. that is truly amazing. pressing and holding down three buttons is so much cooler than flicking a switch. SO MUCH COOLER. i thought by 2001 we were supposed to have lip reading computers. that is pretty much the main thing that kept me from commiting suicide in the late nineties. what a fucking gyp, it is 2007 and all i have is a stupid ipod that can't even mimic human emotion. sometimes i think it can, like when it fucking refuses to turn off when i tell it to, but then i realize that is not an approximation of stubbornness, it is a failure of modern technology.i should have known my stupid ipod was going to suck, because the stupid apple II e computer i had in 1984 sucked. god 1984. wasn't the government supposed to be reading our thoughts by then? i guess the government is just as big a failure as technology. god, the future is just one big let down.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
here is where i tell you what tv shows you should be watching
every weekend i watch tv on dvd. it is like i guess i could watch a movie but then i would have to lift my fat whore ass out of the bed and walk across the room to find a new movie after two hours and that would impede on my pretending to be a parapalegic until 4pm. usually i just watch the office again and again. which led to this thursday's mystic phenomenon of me reciting the lines of the brand new episode along with the actors. i guess if the writers strike continues i should move to LA and pursue a bright shiny future as a scab. anyway i am watching dexter now. holy shit. is it wrong that i relate to that psycho on like twenty seven different levels? no, we are all gods creation, even if we become sexually aroused from dexter's brilliant opening credits. dexter is also totally soothing to fall asleep too unlike, say, tom goes to the mayor, which will make you want to kill yourslef if you watch it while incredibly hungover. which you probably are or else you wouldn't be laying on top of twenty seven pillows watching dvds for six hours. yes, it turns out everything that makes tom goes to the mayor awesome will make you wish you were dead if you watch it while dry heaving over an ice bucket. get ready to contemplate stabbing yourself the stomach and spelling out JOY PETERS MADE ME DO IT with your entrails.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
something really hilarious happened to me today, I PEED MY PANTS AT WORK. oh, i pee my pants all the time now, but not usually at work. peeing your pants all the time is awesome especially when you don't even have sensations like knowing you have to pee or knowing pee is coming out and suddenly you are covered in pee and you don't know where it came from. probably it is like when your water breaks but instead of being like OH MY GOD HEY EVERYONE THE MIRACLE OF LIFE IS ABOUT TO SPRING FROM MY LOINS you have to back out of the room all stealth and hope nobody notices that you PEED YOUR PANTS. anyway i peed my pants at work today on the elevator, i was going down to get lunch and when the elevator got to the first floor i just rode it right back up and threw my underwear in the tampon disposal in the bathroom and then i went to filenes basement and bought underwear and a pair of four dollar little kids jeans and walked around like john wayne with a camel toe for the whole rest of the day, so that also was awesome. good thing i am so detached from reality that i have no problem with peeing my pants everywhere. it is like i have a disease that turns me into a perpetual drunkard. hopefully somebody hooks it up on the health insurance before it is time to buy those arm things jimmy walks around on in south park.