i don't have a job anymore because i got LAID OFF. laid off is what you get when you are the shittiest ever worker and do things like take two weeks off and tell your boss you are having an ectopic pregnancy and they are like too far beyond incredulous to actually fire you. oh i'm sorry the two weeks off was when my fake cousin was in a near fatal accident and i had to fly to santa monica to monitor her feeding tube. the ectopic pregnancy thing was like three days after i got back from that aka tahoe. having a conversation with your boss about your fake ectopic pregnency is hilarious.for no good reason here is a picture of me shooting a gun.
then i had a fake job interview with random house aka i went to maine and then i get back and my boss is basically like YOU'RE FIRED but then he wanted me to finish this report i was writing which i hated because i wanted to get the fuck out of there and then when i finished it it took him three hours to read it so i got to sit around and i couldn't even pretend like i was doing anything so i walked around and went into the kitchen and stole like three hundred samples of blistex out of the first aid cabinet and then i ate someone's sandwhich out of the fridge. then i was super bored so i decided to uninstall every program on my computer including windows.
i never even got to wear the fake cast from when my roommate fake broke his foot what the fuck. i was so confused that i was fired that i pretty much wandered around and wondered why there was nothing cool to steal. seriously three hundred samples of blistex was the coolest thing i could find. not even like tubes of blistex, like plastic packets of it. now they are all in my desk at home and will probably sit there until the end of time. if you ever come over and you have chapped lips you are in luck.
thank god the corporate world has never had to deal with a degenerate like me i guess and didn't even know how to fire me so they like amicably laid me off so i can collect unemployment, or try to. collecting unemployment is pretty much my biggest dream in life.
i don't even know why i ate that sandwhich i wasn't even hungry and then i threw away all the shit that was in my cubicle like three pairs of shoes because i was like WHO NEEDS ALL THESE SHOES WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO COME TO WORK EVER AGAIN. somehow i am of the mentality that i am never going to have to work again.
also i still wake up in the morning and ride my bike to work but since i don't work anymore then i just ride around in traffic dodging cars and listen to pigeon john this is what i love so how do i get someone to pay me for doing it?