Saturday, April 28, 2007

i stole an umbrella from a homeless person on thursday. that is pretty much the worst thing ever. i am probably going to start killing kittens next. i don't remember doing it which is i guess my body's way of telling me i am killing it with alcohol except i only had four drinks FOUR DRINKS SHOULD NOT GET A HARDENED ALCOHOLIC SUCH AS MYSELF BLACKOUT DRUNK. unless i have alcohol related dementia which i probably do. other possible explanations include demonic possession and disassociative identity disorder. anyway stealing umbrellas from people who live outside is not cool and i should probably punch myself in the throat for doing it.

then i went to the mutiny last night and paid ed the money i owed him YES I OWED MONEY TO A BAR. this is really awesome because ever since i was a little girl i have totally aspired to be cliff clavin. whatever i end up doing when i am 40 if it's anything besides living in a gutter i will be able to call it a success. then some stupid bitch can steal an umbrella from me and i can revel in the karmic splendor of the universe.
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Monday, April 23, 2007

what i did on my summer vacation

THINGS I DID IN NEW YORK THAT I REMEMBER:

got in a van with some guy at the airport even though that is how people get raped because the taxi line was that incredibly long and i didn't even get raped and i saved like twenty bucks or whatever.

oh yeah something else i was proud of at this point from just before i was in new york was showing up at the airport on the right day unlike when i flew to tahoe for new years and showed up at the airport one day early and was like OH FUCK CAN I JUST GET ON A PLANE PLEASE I MEAN I AM ALREADY HERE. by some miracle of god that actually worked.

got blacklisted from the bar at the hudson hotel. oh wait excuse me i actually was blacklisted from the entire hotel.

threw up behind a tree.

watched like seven episodes of some reality show called the bad girls club about ugly girls who get even drunker than i do.

went to some italian restaurant with the strangest waiters ever all of whom thought sabrina was their queen. one of them was wearing one of those stupid kabbalah bracelts, who knew people were still into that these days.

threw up in a napkin at the worst bar ever.

told a bunch of people that sabrina was a post op transvestite and i was her handler.

ate a lot of matzoh.

okay that is pretty much all that i remember.

THINGS I DID IN NEW YORK THAT I DO NOT REMEMBER.

i don't remember stealing that bike.

eating a pork chop. i hate pork chops. i have no idea why i ordered one during a drunken blackout.

calling this guy and asking him to come get me. from chicago. because i guess i forgot i was in new york and i wanted to get picked up. or else i seriously thought he was going to charter a helicopter or something. he made me listen to the voicemail when i got back and i sounded like i was seven years old.

breaking up with ray. i do not have a boyfriend named ray but joey does and i guess i called him and broke up with him. he was all upset over it or something but i thought it was pretty hilarious.

i don't know what else i don't remember you would have to ask joey because she didn't get blackout drunk every night like i did.

this is why i am not able to tell anyone how new york was because pretty much i don't remember.
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Monday, April 16, 2007

it is really awesome when your friends tell you you stole a bike in new york and you think they are lying but then they show you pictures






Erin: what am i doing here??? TRYING TO CONVINCE JOEY TO LET ME STEAL THE BIKE???
Sabrina: JOEY IS TRYING TO GET YOU TO PUT IT BACK
AND YOU ARE LIKE: NO
I AM GOING TO TAKE THIS
Erin: joey is trying to talk sense into me and you are just standing there taking pictures.
Sabrina: i think i was shouting for you to do it
and for joey to leave you alone
but then i ws like OK, PCITURES ARE DONE
NOW I AM COLD LET'S GET IN A CAB
and you were like BUT I CAN RIDE MY BIKE
Erin: i wish you had a picture of me trying to put it in the cab.
Sabrina: that was when we were like JUST PUT IT DOWN ERIN
but youwere like NO I AM GOING TO TEACH THOSE CHINESE A LESSON
Erin: HAHAHAHAH
oh man. probably this is a sign i should quit drinking.
i don't remember any of this.
Sabrina: hahahahahhaa
too bad we choose to ignore those signs
you had made your mind up to steal that bike and that was that.

TOO BAD I LOOK HAPPIER ON THIS FUCKING BIKE THAN I HAVE PROBABLY EVER BEEN IN MY DAG LIFE.
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Sunday, April 15, 2007

is it stalking you if i like you a little is it stalking you if i write you a little

on friday i was all ready to write about how i stole a bike in new york and was too drunk to figure out how to ride it and tried to pawn it off on some bouncer while some chinese people were chasing me down the street for stealing their bike and i was like OH GOD BIG DEAL HERE'S YOUR STUPID BIKE BACK TAKE A QUAALUDE AND CHILL THE FUCK OUT.

but then i got distracted by hamburgler posting about my pain all over myspace because apparently i am in pain and am to confused to even know it but it's okay because i have a light inside of me that is brighter than the heavens and is going to cushion my fall and absorb my fear. which i guess was really like a prophecy because i didn't have any fear until i read that and was instilled with the fear that maybe hamburgler was going insane and might come to my house and stab me. and because sabrina is always ready to provoke danger she started emailing him things like this:

ERIN WANTS TO KNOW WHY YOU CONTINUE TO SAY SHE IS IN PAIN BECAUSE IT IS PROBABLY THE FUNNIEST THING WE HAVE EVER HEARD, BUT SHE NEVER WANTS TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN SO SHE IS MAKING ME ASK A LA 8TH GRADE--SORT OF LIKE YOUR INSANE CRUSH. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION.

so my whole weekend was pretty much consumed by this. sabrina telling him i think he's gross and him telling her i'm so confused and scared i don't even know what i think. i'm pretty sure it ended with him saying something about how he was affected to the point of physical distress over the whole thing. i guess the moral of the story is that if you pretend to be my friend so you can nurture your delusional fantasies of romance and destiny when i find out what is going on i will be so pissed that i will find it totally amusing when my friends bully you until you have a fucking meltdown. or maybe the moral of the story is that it turns out sabrina's heart isn't as cold and dead as we thought it was because while she is happy to drive a man to the brink of suicide she can't bring herself to push him over the edge. something like that. or that i shouldn't write anymore articles about stalkers for no fi because everything i write comes true. too bad learning lessons is passe because i am learning lessons like fucking crazy right now.
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

psycho killer! qu'est que ce!

i have this friend i am going to call him hamburgler. he is 26 and a virgin. yesterday he started instant messaging me about how he is basically never going to fuck because he is too good hearted to be cynical about it like everyone else. uh i'm pretty sure the fact that i'm not delusional to the point of thinking that when someone sticks their dick in me they are communing with my essence does not make me cynical as much as it makes me NOT A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL.

anyway i started hanging out with hamburgler over the summer and then by the winter he was emailing me these emails about the degraded state of our friendship the kind of things whatever guy i am banging usually says to me during what will be our last conversation you know like why haven't you called me for six days how dare you fly to tahoe without telling me blah blah blah. anyway if i was banging the guy i would have done the whole OH MY GOD YOU WANT TO PUT A LEASH ON ME I CAN'T TAKE THIS but i wasn't banging him which made it even weirder so i decided to consult with my representative who proceded to continue the correspondence with him DEAR HAMBURGLER YOU ARE A FAT TUB OF LARD WHO DOES NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR PLACE IN THE SOCIAL HIERARCHY BLAH BLAH BLAH it was all very hilarious and heartbreaking.

anyway today i had the most excruciating conversation ever with hamburgler where he told me he used to have a crush on me or something and i was like I CERTAINLY HOPE YOU DON'T HAVE A CRUSH ON ME NOW. that is the part where even if it is a lie you are supposed to be like uh no of course not. but this dummy is like UMMMM... and i was like WELL YOU SHOULD STOP. then he tried to convince me that i secretly wanted to bone him or something. which was the truly excruciating part. i think something about the fact that i made some sarcastic comment about being jealous of some chick that looked like a kitchen witch one time and this other time i posted a picture on my friend's myspace of him being decapitated fatality style that said FINISH HIM!!! on it. i tried telling him that was more a product of boredom and cruelty than a manifestion of beautiful love but i don't think he believed me. too bad sabrina's myspace is private or he could have seen the valentine i made her with a picture of a guy i fucked on it that says HOW COME YOU NEVER TOLD ME STEREOLAB CAUSES ABORTION. i guess i'm way more in love with that guy because i even wrote on that thing IN PINK. her myspace is private by the way SORRY CHARLIE.

oh hamburgler you can't face the facts. i hate people when they can't relax.
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Monday, April 09, 2007

because i am not 14 years old.

my mom just called i guess to yell at me because i didn't call her as soon as i got off my plane even though i already lied and told her i was flying in in the middle of the night because i would rather sleep off my two day hangover than do easter. it turns out when you are a grown ass woman you don't have to call your mom the second you step off a plane. i didn't even tell her i was going i have no idea how she found out. probably she is reading this blog. wow i just called myself i grown ass woman thanks sabrina for making me watch a marathon of i love new york.
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Wednesday, April 04, 2007

i am on my way to new york

and i am wearing three pairs of clothes so i don't have to check my bags. smell ya later.
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