i have this friend or whatever he thinks he knows everything it's really annoying. like i think i know everything too but i don't care enough about other people for this to become annoying. this kid thinks he knows everything and he has to enlighten me about it. like did you know i wanted to have kids? i didn't either. it turns out i want to have kids. also apparently i am an idiot for quitting school because how am i ever going to drive a luxury car if i don' spend eight plus hours a day contemplating stapling my eyelids shut and writing I WIN on my cubicle with the blood from my slit wrists. it turns out i really want to drive a luxury car. WHO KNEW.
then i stopped talking to him so he started writing me emails about how i should stop destroying my own life or whatever. uh could he not figure out i like to burn myself down so that i can rise from the ashes like a glorious phoenix? so i had to write him a brilliant email that said shit like "wow thanks for elucidating the situation, sir. i was completely unaware of my tendancies and problems in my own life until you unearthed them in this luminous email." i signed off with WORD TO YOUR MOTHER because i am awesome. then he wrote me three more emails which i ignored. i seriously told this kid one day that he was irritating the shit out of me and he was like GOOD I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS and i was like YOU MAY OR MAY NOT THINK IT IS HILARIOUS WHEN I REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOU AS A HUMAN BEING. then we had an argument about whether or not he could successfully piss me off almost to the point of no return without me renouncing his existance. turns out i was right. HEY I HAVE A GOOD IDEA WHY DON'T WE HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT HOW MUCH ARGUING WITH YOU IS ANNOYING.
this is when sabrina enlisted herself as my personal representative and all communications were directed to her from that point on. which was hilarious because it ended with him i think insinuating that the real problem is that i hate him because he isn't miserable enough or something. that was so ludacris i had to reply to it:
1. i never said it was about you listening to me. i said it was about
you irritating the shit out of me. however i guess if you listened
then when i said things like SIR YOU ARE IRRITATING THE SHIT OUT OF
ME you would like, i don't know, stop doing whatever is so annoying.
you know instead of intensifying it and being like I THOUGHT YOU
THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY. uh i said it wasn't funny. so maybe this
actually is about you listening.
2. i don't really care if you hate your job or not. even though it
seems like you pretty much do hate it since you're always talking
about how you contemplate self mutilation during meetings and you want
to prop a cardboard cutout of yourself up at your desk so you can stop
showing up, but what do i know, maybe those are signs of occupational
3. i don't know why i would care if you want to apply for the phd program (for the third time) or not. this is clearly not the reason i have avoided you since october. anyway haven't you been applying to the phd program for like as long as i've known
you? good luck with that.
4. i have no idea why i would harbor resentment toward you. because your life sucks. maybe you harbor resentment towards me because i have something you don't have and unlike you i don't even want it. maybe that is why you are so confrontational. or maybe you are just an argumentative jerk. who knows.
5. i'm not miserable. my life isn't miserable. i'm sorry you think i'm miserable and that it's my own fault. maybe i come across as miserable when i'm talking to you because you constantly pursue such topics as whether i will end up childless regretful and barren at age 35. it turns out constantly defending myself to you is annoying as hell.
smell ya later,
i decided the best thing ever when you're basically writing a dear john letter is to sign off in the most irreverent way ever. so if anybody wants me to draft them a welcome to the new fuck off club letter let me know i am getting pretty good at it.
the part i left out of my email out of kindness was the part where i let this kid know that he is pretty much just some chubby dude that i let tag along with me and my friends when we went to the bar or whatever. i mean seriously dude DRAMA RAMA. please don't make me like BREAK UP with you. the moral of this story is HAVE SOME DIGNITY. the end.