Tuesday, January 30, 2007

looks like i was too busy having your abortion to update my blogggg

you may have wondered if there is ever a time that abortions are not funny. turns out abortions are always funny.

also funny is writing people letters that say


you have to send that in a letter to convey that you are serious. nobody ever thinks i'm fucking serious which i guess is good because it distracts them from the fact that i am probably a sociopath.

uh just kidding i'm not a sociopath or an abortion haver. people that have abortions are fucking sick. especially when they have medical ones at home and throw abortion parties and when the thing comes out of them they make everyone look at it. um i don't WANT to look at that thing long enough to be able to compare it to some guy's myspace photo I'M FUCKING CELIBATE, JESUS.

Monday, January 29, 2007

it is seriously so fucking gay here.

some girl in here is talking about how she got molested when she was little. i am going to go tell HR that this is a hostile work environment and could they please tell this whore that god fearing christians such as myself don't want to hear about what fucking a fucking harlot she was when she was seven, thanks.

also they performance evaluated me here too bad they didn't tell me ahead of time because i would have quit before they documented the fact that when i even show up here i still don't do shit. it seriously says that on there. i should also tell HR that i think they should write up my boss for not firing me when he is clearly aware that i pretty much serve no purpose. i really think this concrete example of poor management skills should be documented.

it is too fucking boring here to even explain. also i am going blind with migranes from the fucking lights. and i keep trying to hold my breath until i pass out but it is so fucking cold in here apparently i don't even need to breathe because my body is in hibernation mode or some shit. i can't even kill myself here what the fuck.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

i fucking hate everyone

i like school. like i like learning about things. really like it. learning about things and writing papers about things that i've learned and taking tests to prove that i really learned them. god damn do i like proving that i know things. i really think i get off on this in a sick type way.


i'm glad i just found out what a fucking idiot i am.

anyway i am quitting school and everyone is fucking pissing me off. like my mom. last time i talked to her it went like this. me: MAYBE I WOULD ANSWER THE PHONE WHEN YOU CALLED IT IF I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO BE A COMPLETE BITCH. her: YOU ARE GOING TO GIVE ME A STROKE AND I CAN'T EVEN SLEEP AT NIGHT BECAUSE I KNOW IN MY HEART OF HEARTS THAT YOU ARE GOING TO END UP ON THE STREETS. me: AT LEAST WHEN I END UP ON THE STREETS I CAN BURN MY VARIOUS DIPLOMAS FOR WARMTH. seriously i wonder if i am the only person in the world with a masters degree whose mom stays up all night thinking about how her daughter is so worthless she could never not end up homeless. i seriously almost wrote my mom a letter today telling her to fuck off and die.

also i told my mom i was thinking about getting a journalism degree and she's like I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO WITH THAT. uh probably the same thing i was going to do with my phd which was hang it up on the wall and make people look at it. i just found out northwestern's masters in journalism only takes one year i think maybe i won't talk to my mom for a year and a half and then one day when she calls me i will be like I HAVE TO GO I'M ON MY WAY TO WORK AT THE NEW YORK TIMES, YEAH I LIVE IN NEW YORK NOW, WHAT DO YOU MEAN HOW DID I MANAGE THAT DID YOU FORGET ABOUT MY JOURNALISM DEGREE, OH WAIT I NEVER TOLD YOU. OKAY WELL SEE YOU AT CHRISTMAS. this is the part where you comment and tell me i'm too stupid to get into northwestern. and i don't actually want to work at the new york times.

also i think one time i told my mom i wanted to be a literary agent and she told me i would suck at it because i have no social skills. um as far as i can tell literary agents read and get drunk. i really have no idea how i could do anything but excel at this. i brought this up again recently and i think she told me something like it's too late because i'm practically already dead. too bad nobody told her that when she decided to get her masters degree when she was FIFTY FUCKING YEARS OLD because that could have saved my entire family from the salisbury steak years.

then this guy i went to school with tried telling me to go work in a gas station for the rest of my life. apparently everyone i know thinks i am an idiot and can not do anything. too bad it turns out i can do whatever i want and what i want to be is a serial killer i guess because i am seriously going to murder these people.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

what did the five fingers say to the face

i have a problem with slapping people. i already knew i had a problem with burning people and biting them which you probably think would mean i'm universally hated but no people actually do not even care. this is proof that i can do whatever the fuck i want. so now what i want to do is slap people. i think they like it even more than being burned and bitten. like i slapped the shit out of this dude in tahoe and also i decided his new name was going to be ron emmanuel and i called him his new name while i slapped him ten times. and he's like OH MY GOD WHO IS THIS CHICK I LOVE HER. which kind of sucked because they whole point of slapping someone and also including the special kind of improved slapping where you smash your hand in thier face and push their head as hard as you can yeah these activities are supposed to make someone hate you. you know because you hate them and their stupid ferregamo belt and how they keep talking about how their dad is a millionaire. but no they love it for some reason and then they love you and they won't go away but do they even buy you a drink NO because their dad CUT THEM OFF and then they are a huge fucking dick to the bartender and say shit like HOW DARE YOU DECLINE MY CARD I WAS GOING TO LEAVE YOU A GREAT TIP BUT NOT NOW! jesus i start typing and it's like woah who knew i had this much pent up hatred towards ron emmanuel. maybe my next three posts can be about people i hated in the state of california. including forty year old lady that threatened to hit me and stupid jackass at the bar who thought the celestine prophecy was the best book of all time and aslo that homosexual males were a myth.

here's an email i got today

I was at a work party with Evelyn NXXXXX. I asked her if she knew you. Apparantly she was your girl scout leader or something. Evelyn's like, "Erin's a nice girl. She was incredibly smart but didn't want to apply herself."

I mention this only because some things will never change.

I recall you saying that you are a real lazy person.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

let's talk about how i may or may not be able to see some more

anyway i just noticed that i actually can see just not when i'm at work where i can't see anything and my eyeballs feel like they are going to maybe shrivel up and fall into my brain. i think this means that either i am allergic to my job or i have computer vision syndrome. i guess i should probably sue my boss and make him buy me a new monitor that doesn't make me blind. anyway this is good news because i refuse to wear glasses because not wearing glasses is part of my identity i think.

too bad when i was like four i decided i wanted glasses for reading because duh smart people put on glasses to read so i walked around squinting on purpose for like three weeks and pretending i couldn't see. finally one day we were at the zoo and after i was like MOM WHAT DOES THAT SIGN SAY I CAN'T READ IT for the forty seventh time she took me to the eye doctor who somehow could tell i was faking right away. and did i get glasses, no. nice parenting mom if i had a kid that wanted glasses so bad she walked into walls pretending to be half blind for three weeks i would get her some fake glasses stat.
how cute is it when your kid is fake vision impaired?
cute enough that they deserve fake glasses
cute enough that they deserve their eyes slapped out of their head
pollcode.com free polls

also then when i was in seventh grade i couldn't look at anything without blinking seventeen thousand times so i went to the shitty hmo eye doctor and he made me wear glasses and they were PINK AND MADE OUT OF PLASTIC. except then i started having migraines all the time and my mom took me to the non hmo eyedoctor and he laughed and prescribed me some eyedrops because it turned out my tear ducts were all fucked from allergies or something. i should also probably sue that first eyedoctor for making me wear pink plastic glasses for four months or whatever.

okay i think three consecutive posts about glasses is probably enough for the rest of the year.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

aw that's cute how you thought i was honest

as it turns out a) i don't actually need glasses b) i've probably fucked guys that wear glasses anyway make that i definitely have.

also you guys would not belive the comments i get why do you think i have to moderate my comments probably because i am FULLY HATE-ABLE and also a dictator on the side NOBODY HATES ME ON MY BLOG BECAUSE I AM THE PRESIDENT AND ALSO THE KING OF IT.

anyway according to my beautiful anonymous commentors (we are all made of stars) i am a GOLDDIGGER and i should GO TO THE EYEDOCTOR BECAUSE I AM A BIMBO. AND ALSO UGLY. AND STUPID DON'T FORGET STUPID. um hi telling me i am ugly and stupid is like telling me i have a small penis.

i hope i'm not a gold digger (that is actually two words, who knew) because if i was i would like to think that i would be smart enough to start dating people who actually have jobs. yes it's true i prefer derelicts. probably i have been reading too much nelson algren.

good night and good luck.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

i have a secret

i haven't been able to see for the past two years.

this is what shit looks like to me.

the reason this is a secret is because i am vain. like i won't fuck a guy that wears glasses because i think he is inferior to me. hahahaha i am so stupid it hurts.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

the mysterious origin of eggs

our christmas tree was dead when i left it and dead it is still. the thick layer of needles on the floor reminds me of the nettles from the wild swans. those you must pluck will burn your hands into blisters. and something must be wrong with me because i've never anticipated anything unpleasent without the accompanying sensation of not dread but intrigue. this will make a story.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

no that's just a rumor.

i spent the last minutes of 2006 watching in horror as rock star joey hurled a bottle of johnny walker blue label out of the window shattering the glass all over the camera crew that was camped outside our room. or maybe the camera crew wasn't camped outside our room. maybe they ran to our room with the speed of a herd of gazelles on adderol when i opened the door to smoke a cigarette and survey the damages. whatever. either way when the boom mike violated our room and i could see my own reflection in the giant lens i roundhouse kicked the door shut and fell to the floor as if, as sabrina said, i'd been doused with napalm. fuck the paprazzi man. true story.

in other news i'm not actually dead. story of my life.
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