Monday, October 29, 2007


i went to target to buy movies yesterday because if i rent movies i never return them and end up owing the stupid video store a hundred and twenty dollars. and then when i try getting a job and they do a credit check i guess my boss finds out i actually rented a movie called monkey boy. anyway so i watched the movie bug yesterday. uh. okay i just sat here in utter confusion for three minutes after i wrote that. you might think a movie directed by the man who brought us to live and die in LA would be enjoyable but this movie was like the opposite of enjoyable. except i am not going to declare it THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME like i usually declare every movie i see because i think it actually might have been good. i'm not sure, i don't even have any idea what technically makes a movie good or not. i can tell you what makes a movie barely watchable though, insane crackheads tearing their own skin off and rambling about conspiracy machines for two hours. thank god i made it to the end though because i finally got to see what a shitty motel room looks like covered in saran wrap and aluminum foil. and what it looks like is catra's ice palace. anyway will someone who has seen this movie please tell me if it had any kind of merit or not because i can't even think about it anymore without wanting to choke myself with my own severed tongue.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

and when you dream, dream big, like defying the laws of science big.

i drunkenly conceived this idea to dress up like edward scissorhands for halloween this year because i already own a pair of edward scissorhands boots and my roommate for some reason received like fourteen pairs of suspenders from his mentally retarded aunt this year. because obviously i don't have a skin tight leather jacket with a million buckles and zippers on it, although if i did i guess i would probably incorporate it into my every day attire. so i am going to be white shirt suspenders edward. plus i have horrible short hair right now so when i am tired i pretty much look like edward scissorhands anyway. so i walked to target in a hungover stupor this morning and wandered around aimlessly looking for things to make scissor hands with which ended up being a roll of electrical tape and like 13 letter openers and nail files. the cashier totally looked at me like i was a psycho killer from prison when i made that purchase. hi, i'll take a handfull of sharp instruments, some black tape, and this copy of how i stopped worrying and learned to love the bomb, thanks. sometimes i think i can not do things like make a halloween costume because i am not creative. but then i have to tell myself that i am going to have to be at least kind of creative because some of the stupidest people i know are kind of creative and i can not be worse than stupid people at anything or i will have to kill myself. i like how i am so conceited that i think i can decide to magically become creative. oh god when i was like 6 or whatever and we learned about the human body in school, i decided i was going to learn how to control my involuntary muscles so i could, like, make my own heart stop beating if i wanted to. i actually thought i could do this. and the saddest part is i still kind of think maybe i could like if i really practiced hard or something. god i am really living the american dream here, deluding myself into thinking that through sheer tenacity i can overcome the basic principles of biology. IF I CAN DREAM IT I CAN ACHEIVE IT.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

probably the real reason i thought i was dying of cancer yesterday

i spent twenty minutes staring at my monitor until i got double vision and wondering if it would be worse to get raped normal style or if the guy like stabbed a hole in your side and then raped that. don't ask me why i started thinking about this. probably because i am strange. i think i would rather get stab wound raped i'm not sure though, if somebody actually stabbed a hole in me and started fucking it i might change my mind. SERIOUSLY YOU GUYS THIS IS THE KINDS OF THINGS I THINK ABOUT ALL DAY. my brain is probably so mad at me for wasting it on this. like instead of using it to invent a car run by magnets or whatever i am forcing it to ponder stab wound rape, probably not even a real thing. oh my god what if somebody googles stab wound rape and ends up at my blog? i am going to feel internet violated. okay i just googled it and nothing came up. i guess that means i invented it. god i can't wait to tell my psychiatrist about this.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

don't make your boyfriend the the benefactor of your life insurance policy or he might try to kill you with jewelry

the HR lady at work brought me some life insurance papers the other day. who even knew i had life insurance through my job? anyway i put my boyfriend on there because i actually knew his address and what do i care who profits off my death anyway I WILL BE DEAD AND THUS UNABLE TO DO THINGS LIKE CARE. anyway he got me this ring the other day and i wanted to know why it weighed twenty pounds and he said it was because it was made out of polonium. do you guys know what polonium is? IT IS A RARE AND HIGHLY RADIOACTIVE METALLOID. WHEN I LOOKED IT UP ON THE INTERNET THERE WAS A PICTURE OF A SKULL AND CROSSBONES. anyway at first i was like hm, i guess my boyfriend is an idiot and mixed up polonium with pallanium or platinum or plastic or something. then out of nowhere i started to feel like i was dying of cancer. wait until you start dying of cancer, you won't know how you know what dying of cancer feels like, but you will know that you are. i guess that it is the magic of the collective conscious. i am pretty sure this ring is actually radioactive and is murdering me. also, murdering your girlfriend with radioactiave jewelry is probably the best way to murder someone i have ever heard, and i know a lot of tricky ways to murder someone from watching forensic files. anyway, someone who knows about radioactive metals please tell me if i should stop wearing the ring or if it is too late. if it is too late i am going to keep wearing it and hopefully the radium will infuse me with super powers.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

dear members of the florida bar: welcome to my shitty blog

jury duty. i actually did have it that was one of the things i wrote on this blog of lies that was actually true. anyway according to the florida bar i am what is wrong with juries today or something. and i guess the solution to the problem that is me is to select out jurors who have blogs or myspace or facebook or whatever. okay i didn't write my thesis on psychometrics or anything (yes i did) but i bet if you dismissed every potential juror with some type of internet presence you would end up with range restriction galore. EVERYBODY UNDER THIRTY IS ON THE INTERNET. those are my peers. please don't shatter my dreams of commiting a horrible crime and being judged by a jury of my peers. not that the people on the jury i served on were actually my peers. THERE WAS A WOMAN ON THE JURY WHO COULD NOT READ. i don't think i've ever met anybody who couldn't read in my entire life. thank god the constitution doesn't actually guarantee a defendant that his case will be heard by a jury of his peers because that would be a huge lie. i think what it guarantees is an impartial jury which is also a huge lie. i didn't actually serve on a capital punishment case, that was a joke. i wouldn't even be allowed to serve on a capital punishment case because i don't necessarily agree with the death penalty. i've never done a study on death qualified juries but i'm pretty sure the american psychological association did and determined that they are more likely to convict in general. THAT IS LIKE THE OPPOSITE OF IMPARTIAL. i don't believe our legislative system is breaching our constitutional rights and a bunch of lawyers in florida are freaking out because i mentioned on my stupid blog that nobody reads that i was selected to serve on a jury and i didn't even divulge any information about the case. i mean jesus bob kelly, weren't your friends in florida executing retards until like a year ago? and you don't like me because i say "fuck" alot? this is truly a dumb ass world we are living in.

Monday, October 08, 2007

i watch queer as fuck

this weekend i ate nothing but ramen noodles and watched the L word for seven hours or something. oh my god ramen noodles are so fucking good and you can sustain yourself on them for like twenty cents a day. do you like how i had to type out the word cents because i don't even know where the cents sign is on a keyboard? that is basically how awesome ramen is. ichiban, mauruchen or whatever, i don't even give a fuck i will eat it all. i bought the L word because i had no cash and felt like a damn fool putting something that costs seventy sents on my debit card. I'LL TAKE THE ECONO-PACK OF BEEF RAMEN AND THE SHOW ABOUT LESBOS. THANKS. i was going to buy that movie bug i don't even care what bad reviews it got i bet it is awesome. anyway the L word cost the same and it came in an enormous box. that is the kind of thing people who eat ramen look for. WOAH THE RATIO OF VIEWING TIME TO DOLLARS IS SUPER FUCKING HIGH IF I CHOOSE THIS SHOWTIME PROGRAM ABOUT LESBIANS. after watching a shit load of that show i think i might be a lesbian. seriously the christian right is on to something when they try to keep programs like that off the air with the asinine credo that it is going to turn our nation gay. after watching seventy lesbo sex scenes i pretty much decided i could do that. no i was pretty sure i could do that before. i'm surprised none of my boyfriends ever tried to get me to have a threesome because i am probably the dykiest straight chick ever. when i was in high school and we learned about that condition where girls somehow have two y chromosomes i totally i thought i had it for like five seconds until we got to the part where those girls never get their period. it was like OH THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH--OH WAIT I GUESS NOT, THE MYSTERY CONTINUES. there's even a little boy on the show for me to have a crush on.

oh wait that's a girl. why have i never had sex with an androgynous girl? that is pretty much what all the guys i bang look like anyway.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

fulfilling my civic duty

the stupid jury isn't over yet so i guess i can't talk about it. too bad so sad. god, i even got dressed up for this shit. and then i went to this stupid bar after and this stupid tv show was there and tried to put me on television talking about fashion. yeah sign me up to be on television. first of all i absolutely hate people looking at me. i was almost on tv in tahoe one time and i fucking karate chopped the cameraman in the face while simultaneously dive rolling under the bed. fuck off if you think i am going to talk about my litigous outfit on tv. jury duty was awesome today.

Tuesday, October 02, 2007


yeah somebody actually put me on a jury. i guess i will probably be juror number eight, blowing everybody's minds with charisma and excessive knowledge of forensic psychology. remember that movie? twelve angry men? god i hope i get to be the foreman of this stupid jury. MADAM FOREWOMAN OF THE JURY! i can't wait to decide the lives and deaths of men tomorrow.
Listed on BlogShares