Friday, September 28, 2007

i will eat your babies, bitch!

i spent the last week trying to get my car out of the stupid car pound because it got towed like a month ago and i made the mistake of saying something in front of my boyfriend and he is like WOAH YOU HAVE A CAR CAN I HAVE IT? actually no the conversation was way longer than that and it involved me trying to explain why i abandonned my car at the car pound (didn't want it) and why i never sold it (too lazy) and involved sentences such as YES I AM SERIOUSLY SAYING THAT THE EFFORT OF PUTTING AN AD ON CRAIGSLIST IS NOT WORTH THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. so that was fun. trying to explain to someone how i can't really bring myself to care about things that are not right in front of my face. that is why i have no friends, because if they don't call me for three days i forget they are alive and then when they do call me i don't answer the phone because i look at the caller id and am like WHAT IS THIS CRAZY NUMBER THAT IS CALLING ME. anyway if your secret car is at the car pound don't mention it to your boyfriend or he will make you go get it and you will end up spending hours of your life in a trailer in the ghetto. god, the first thing i noticed when i walked into the place was the wood paneling everywhere. this was like an omen to me because i am pretty sure nothing good has ever happened amidst wood paneling. then the second thing i noticed was that there was puke everywhere seriously EVERYWHERE too bad i didn't get there in time to witness some idiot spray vomit all over the whole place. also they have a giant illustrated diagram of emotions i guess in case you needed help realizing that everyone in the place is feeling violent and insane. it actually said violent and insane on there. it also said respected. yeah right i bet nobody has felt respected in that place ever EVER. anyway you have to wait in line forever and when you finally become desensitized to the smell of afternoon vomit they send you outside to get your car but then you have to go back in again and relive the experience of smelling vomit for the very first time, it is truly beautiful. i'm not going to lie i actually liked the part where you go outside because there are like a million cars there and they have a guy in a busted ass car with a screwdriver sticking out of the ignition drive you to where your car is, i felt like i was in a john carpenter film. anyway i couldn't find my registration in the car so they wouldn't let me take it. which makes absolutely no sense to me because when my registration was expired for three months it was easy enough for them to discern that i had no registration and write me thirty thousand tickets a day but i guess now that i actually have valid registration they are suddenly going to pretend that that information is like impossible to retrieve. then i had to take the bus home and of course the one white person in the neighborhood has to be waiting at the bus stop with me, you guys i am SO SCARED OF WHITE PEOPLE. i am pretty sure they are all gang rapists. so i am standing at the stupid bus stop terrified of getting gang raped even though there was only one guy, that is how scary white people are, so scary i bet one of them can find a way to gang rape you all by himself. he didn't gang rape me, probably because i kept looking at him like i wanted to punch a hole in his face. anyway then i had to go back there and this other guy in line thought he recognized me. i'm like OH WERE YOU HERE YESTERDAY BECAUSE I AM PRETTY MUCH HERE EVERY DAY. then some lady got all irate with me because i got in front of her in line because they have some stupid policy there that after you go to your car you don't have to get in line again, probably because they know if they make you get back in line again there is like a ten thousand percent chance you are going to start killing people. anyway they don't have like a different window for you to go to at that point, you are just supposed to risk your life cutting in front of a bunch of the angriest people you have ever seen in your life. now i totally understand how innocent people that go to prison turn into hardened criminals, i came out of that fucking trailer ready to gouge somebody's eyes out with my thumbs if they looked at me the wrong way. oh also in case you weren't feeling bad for me because you thought the whole thing was probably my fault let me tell you why my car got towed MY CAR GOT TOWED BECAUSE I LEFT IT IN THE SAME SPOT FOR SEVEN DAYS AND APPARENTLY THAT IS ILLEGAL. actually i left it in the same spot for like three months ever since that time i got a flat tire in elgin and had to walk three miles down the highway on the hottest day of the year so i could call up and join triple a from the fucking rainforest cafe at woodfield mall. god having a car is so gay i hope my stupid boyfriend knows what he is in for here.
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