Friday, August 31, 2007

the publishing industry is lying to us.

i bet you guys like how every time i talk about something it is because i hate it. i must hate everything. like every time i see a movie it is THE WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. and then everything i don't hate i am like IT WAS OKAY I GUESS. i will tell you about a book that was okay. everything is illuminated. totally okay. except i am such a damn fool i was expecting it to be brilliant because the back cover said BRILLIANT in enormous yellow letters. i know, can you even believe a literate person would believe the back of a book? i was so confused after i finished reading it. where was all the brilliance? am i dumb? didn't i already read 100 years of solitude? see how i was left with all these questions, it is like everything was illuminated except me. and i know it was not brilliant because my mom didn't think it was brilliant either and i'm pretty sure my mom thought the davinci code was brilliant.

don't ask me how i failed to notice until just now that the front cover says ZESTFULLY IMAGINED on it.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

my girl wants to party all the time

if i ever got an abortion i would totally tell the guy. haha NOT. like i need some sentimental bag of dicks raining on my abortion parade. abortions are supposed to be about eating fried chicken and vomiting all over your friends and telling them that you created the miracle of life inside yourself. god abortion parties are awesome. everyone has to indulge you because they don't know if you have post traumatic stress or not. you can make them do whatever you want. you can give them all your pain pills because they are probably not helping anyway and then you can conduct them in a rousing rendition of the brian peppers song. i guess if i ever had an abortion i would probably put it in a jar for a year and have a birthday party for it. i could bring it to work on take your daughter to work day.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

i don't actually kick people out of their houses

but thanks for asking. i almost killed myself at work today because my servent wasn't there today and i had to actually deal with other people. yes i have a servant at work. i tell him things like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS NOTE ABOUT THIS PAYMENT HISTORY NOT INCLUDING PAYMENTS? A PAYMENT HISTORY THAT INCLUDES NO PAYMENTS WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS A FUCKING KOAN??? I DO NOT HAVE THE FUCKING TIME TO CONTEMPLATE THE SOUND OF ONE HAND CLAPPING CALL THE BANK AND TELL THEM THIS PAYMENT HISTORY IS SHIT.

anyway what i actually do at work is handle loan disputes and i'm really fucking good at it i've saved something like 11 people's houses. it is like i am some kind of god damn humanitarian.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

video killed the radio star or something

movies are stupid. i like the idea of them but do i like the reality of them NO. i guess instead of worrying about throwing people in jail for illegally downloading movies maybe the movie people should ask themselves why nobody wants to pay money to see a movie and the answer is that pretty much every movie made is not worth a dollar. and even if you did want to pay a dollar for it it is not going to be at blockbuster anyway. last time i went to blockbuster it was because i had the stellar idea of making a blanket fort and having a john waters film festival in my room except then when i got there i ended up renting jesus camp and the science of sleep because they did not have one fucking john waters movie.

i guess science of sleep was okay. until like halfway through when i realized gael garcia bernal is the stupid idiot i always end up dating. except way better looking. like where you think it is kind of cute how fucked up they are but then later they end up smashing their head against your door during a fucking mental break. except when that kind of shit happens to me i am immediately on the phone with everyone i know like OH MY GOD I THINK THE IDIOT IS COMMITTING SUICIDE IN THE FUCKING HALLWAY. HOLD ON I AM GOING TO TAKE A PICTURE THROUGH THE KEYHOLE. i spent the latter 50 minutes of that movie wondering why i have to turn my life into a giant jok all the time. probably because i am a jew.

then i went and saw 300. I ACTUALLY PAID $5 TO SEE THIS IN THE THEATER. i probably deserve to be clobbered with a rolling pin for that. i guess i shouldn't have rated the science of sleep as just okay because now i have no choice but to declare 300 the worst movie in the universe. it was like lord of the rings meets gay porn. meets a hungry man commercial. plus everyone in the movie was retarded. like when your whole war hinges on the other side not being able to penetrate your area you do not totally piss off the one dude who knows about the secret path or whatever. i have never even been in a war and even i know that. you want to know what else i know? I KNOW WHO XERXES IS BUT I HAVE NEVER HEARD OF LEONIDUS IN MY FUCKING LIFE. I WONDER WHO WINS THIS WAR. god that movie was so stupid it made me want to watch a documentary.

Friday, August 17, 2007

that's where jesus left his sandals.

my little brother is moving to dekalb tomorrow. dekalb! i lived in dekalb for six years and i fucking loved it. i think that the main street is named after the guy that invented barbed wire's daughter! they have a diner where i'm pretty sure the entire cast of polyester came to die! everyone in town is either 20 or a toothless derelict! to all my friends who made fun of me for going to college in the middle of nowhere, while you guys were watching the commish with your parents i was watching my roommates cremate their dead hedgehog in the parking lot! suck on that!

418! that is where all my friends lived! we burned it down! it's the one house in the town thats tennants always look like they might be squatters! too bad we are the only ones that burned it down! we win! that is the real reason everyone should go to college. you get to live in a place where you can throw your friends through the walls and nobody cares! nobody thinks it is strange if you are perpetually drunk during the day!

i don't want to help my brother move but i will! yay dekalb!

Friday, August 10, 2007

your best friend looks like janice from the muppets.

i got a new pair of shoes today. flats! i am forced into wearing flat shoes now because i ride a bike and it is NOT COOL to ride a bike in heels i found out even though i can ride a bike perfectly fine in heels it PISSES THE SHIT out of the other people on bikes. like when you're waiting at an intersection and they notice they will give you dirty looks. they might even ride up next to you and say something about it when the light turns green.

i also get a lot of shit when i hang out with an extremely dear friend of mine because she paid for part of her face. yeah i wish she hadn't paid for part of her face too SO FUCKING WHAT. woah we are obviously all way above her because we don't even care how ugly we are except probably we do care or we wouldn't dedicate seventeen minutes of our lives to talking about a fake peice of fucking face. why people think i care what they have to say about my friend's face i have no idea maybe they think i'm the kind of person who is like bursting at the seams to trash my own friends because of what they decide they want their stupid face to look like. i hope not.

i don't think that anybody is better than me which might be megalomaniacal of me but really i don't think that i am better than anyone else either. it doesn't matter what your face looks like or what your bike looks like or what your report card looks like what your city looks like what your fingernails look like what your god looks like all of that shit is fucking stupid and we are all exactly the same.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

i have known people for 15 years who have never seen me cry

today at work i was looking for change to get a v8 except i didn't have any change so i walked around aimlessly for nine minutes instead and when i came back there was a dollar on my desk. I HAVE A BENEVOLENT BENEFACTOR IN THE OFFICE. probably it is the nineteen year old next to me since i am pretty sure he thinks i am on the verge of complete mental collapse as he is the only one whose desk is situated so he can watch me sit at my desk and cry all day I ACTUALLY DO THIS. it's these fucking letters people write me they break my heart man. it's their fucking handwriting i never go mental when i read the typed ones, it's the handwritten xerox that fucking kills me. and there is nothing inherently sad about these letters. so i'm pretty sure the kid next to me thinks i am permanently in the midst of a psychotic episode. I BETTER GET THIS BITCH A V8 BEFORE SHE RIPS HER OWN FACE OFF WITH THE STAPLE REMOVER.
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