Sunday, July 15, 2007


this weekend i went to dick in face.

i just stared at that sentence for four whole minutes because i am incredibly hungover and i just ate an entire package of bacon and i think i am about to have a stroke and those are going to be my last words. LAST NIGHT I WENT TO DICK IN FACE. THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE.

that is from sunday. i forgot to finish writing it because i had to go to pitchfork. me and my roommate basically spent the entire morning flinging ourselves onto furniture and crying about not wanting to go to pitchfork. then i ate sixty strips of bacon and almost burned my house down. pitchfork made me hate everything in the universe.

oh yeah so anyway. dick in the face. i have probably never been in a room with so many people i would never want to be in a room with. STROBE LIGHT DICK ACCESSORIES GIVING ME A STROKE. i lie, i wasn't exactly in the same room with them. i was in the same room with them on THE OTHER SIDE OF A CHAIN because i did not pay enough to actually get as much dick in the face as i guess a girl wants. i always thought a girl could get dick in the face for free. there was a dude there who looked like kevin federline and he dressed up like a scarecrow and sung a song about what a raging boner he would have IF HE ONLY HAD A DICK. seriously they let these dudes get fucking creative. i guess i would probably be a stripper too if it meant i got to perform ten minute skits i wrote when i was coming down from psychadelic drugs. look what the stripper did to me.

i did not even get dick in the face. which is fucking fine with me. i probably have not had a dick in the face since 2003 because i don't even suck dick. do i look like linda lovelace to you no i guess if i had a clit in my fucking uvula or whatever i would probably want to get fucked in the face like it was my job but LIFE IS NOT A PORNO. man i fucking hate linda lovelace. way to become a feminist too late in life and then be like SORRY I STARRED IN A VIDEO THAT PROBABLY OPPRESSED MY PEOPLE I GUESS I WILL CALL IT RAPE. maybe if i find out she donated any money she made from having sex with dogs to like a rape crisis center for people who ACTUALLY GOT RAPED i will stop hating her. anyway i guess since this post is called dick in face we will talk about sucking dick now. i wonder if it is surprising that i don't suck dick since i'm probably like a total slut but i really don't see the point of it unless you are trying to get it wet or something. i mean i guess you can do it to make the dude feel good or whatever but the whole point of me fucking a guy is to make me feel good and getting choked by something that has veins and hair on it is probably in the NOT MAKING ME FEEL GOOD category.

the strippers-oh sorry, MEN OF SEDUCTION, that is seriously what they were called-i think are also going in the NOT MAKING ME FEEL GOOD category because i thought they were all fat. LOSE FORTY POUNDS AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING. i am only attracted to guys who look like they have spent the last four years mainlining narcotics and sleeping in the gutter.
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