Monday, July 30, 2007


this weekend i finally fulfilled my dream of doing blow off my own flask with a bunch of rockstars while they tell me how pretty my hair is. i have always had strange dreams. when i was little my ultimate dream was throwing the boy i liked in an eighteen foot pit and feeding him swiss cheese for the rest of our lives. that is true love man, when you want to throw someone in a hole. he's dead now so i guess that dream almost came true.

speaking of true love i learned something new today and that is that i have an entire demographic in true love with me. DIRTY BIKE KIDS. it is not because i am so stunning it is because my bike is so stunning. my bike is like infinitely prettier than me. anyway a dude FOLLOWED ME TO WORK today. i actually asked him if he was following me because i thought maybe he was going to rape me because i read a really graphic article about gangrape this weekend and now me and my vagina are going to be terrified of life for the next five days. anyway he actually was like YES I AM FOLLOWING YOU and he said he liked watching me BECAUSE I RIDE MY BIKE LIKE I HAVE A DEATHWISH. i told him i don't have a deathwish but i don't have like a lifewish either.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

and my bike is named after a blowjob

i love you my beautiful british single speed boyfriend.

if i let you ride my bike you would probably not even want to interact with people anymore. i really don't know how else to explain it. i guess i finally fell in love. with a piece of steel.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


this weekend i went to dick in face.

i just stared at that sentence for four whole minutes because i am incredibly hungover and i just ate an entire package of bacon and i think i am about to have a stroke and those are going to be my last words. LAST NIGHT I WENT TO DICK IN FACE. THAT'S ALL SHE WROTE.

that is from sunday. i forgot to finish writing it because i had to go to pitchfork. me and my roommate basically spent the entire morning flinging ourselves onto furniture and crying about not wanting to go to pitchfork. then i ate sixty strips of bacon and almost burned my house down. pitchfork made me hate everything in the universe.

oh yeah so anyway. dick in the face. i have probably never been in a room with so many people i would never want to be in a room with. STROBE LIGHT DICK ACCESSORIES GIVING ME A STROKE. i lie, i wasn't exactly in the same room with them. i was in the same room with them on THE OTHER SIDE OF A CHAIN because i did not pay enough to actually get as much dick in the face as i guess a girl wants. i always thought a girl could get dick in the face for free. there was a dude there who looked like kevin federline and he dressed up like a scarecrow and sung a song about what a raging boner he would have IF HE ONLY HAD A DICK. seriously they let these dudes get fucking creative. i guess i would probably be a stripper too if it meant i got to perform ten minute skits i wrote when i was coming down from psychadelic drugs. look what the stripper did to me.

i did not even get dick in the face. which is fucking fine with me. i probably have not had a dick in the face since 2003 because i don't even suck dick. do i look like linda lovelace to you no i guess if i had a clit in my fucking uvula or whatever i would probably want to get fucked in the face like it was my job but LIFE IS NOT A PORNO. man i fucking hate linda lovelace. way to become a feminist too late in life and then be like SORRY I STARRED IN A VIDEO THAT PROBABLY OPPRESSED MY PEOPLE I GUESS I WILL CALL IT RAPE. maybe if i find out she donated any money she made from having sex with dogs to like a rape crisis center for people who ACTUALLY GOT RAPED i will stop hating her. anyway i guess since this post is called dick in face we will talk about sucking dick now. i wonder if it is surprising that i don't suck dick since i'm probably like a total slut but i really don't see the point of it unless you are trying to get it wet or something. i mean i guess you can do it to make the dude feel good or whatever but the whole point of me fucking a guy is to make me feel good and getting choked by something that has veins and hair on it is probably in the NOT MAKING ME FEEL GOOD category.

the strippers-oh sorry, MEN OF SEDUCTION, that is seriously what they were called-i think are also going in the NOT MAKING ME FEEL GOOD category because i thought they were all fat. LOSE FORTY POUNDS AND CALL ME IN THE MORNING. i am only attracted to guys who look like they have spent the last four years mainlining narcotics and sleeping in the gutter.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

wow i have the internet again.

i love how at&t decides it doesn't want to let me have the internet for five days like three times a year. it is truly fantastic. i really don't get to talk to robots on the phone enough. the one i just talked to was super annoying because it kept sighing when it couldn't understand me which was like the whole time because i kept telling it to shut up and that i didn't care. thank you at&t for programing your robot phone to demonstrate the human emotion of frustration. today i frustrated a robot, i must be a hero.

today at work i got to write letters to people who are like contesting foreclosure or whatever. except instead of using the templates i wrote ones that actually make sense. hi let me send you a letter about how you are wrong and i am right with a bunch of documents, oh sorry EXHIBITS, that make no sense and then a bunch of absurd words that are supposed to elucidate the situation but instead make you feel like a fucking idiot. then i will take your house.

i was just talking to xan about how this guy wanted to give me diamond earrings one time and i told him i would sell them to the pawn shop. because i will not wear earrings because i get cysts in my ears and i will not wear diamonds because they are stupid. buying a diamond is like if i started selling dandelions from my backyard and i somehow convinced everyone that if they don't have dandelions from my backyard at their wedding their boyfriend doesn't love them. and is poor. and then i start chopping people's hands off. hi would you like to buy a bucket of dandelions from my yard for $500? anyway xan said something about how i never wear jewelry and when i do it's always a stupid plastic bracelet that i only wear because i like taking it off and playing with it. it's strange the things people notice about other people.

hm i was going to write about this book i just read but then i got distracted by robots and dandelions and exhibits. sorry.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

independence day is a great time to think about how you were horribly depressed for like a year.

yesterday i sat on a roof in the rain and threw firecrackers at cars. i did the same thing two years ago except there were no cars. all i really remember about that fourth of july is that i was in general miserable and none of my friends were there because i was pretty much terribly sad for like that whole year and i decided that i did not deserve to have friends. last year on the fourth i wore a cape and i think i also tied a big ribbon around my head like a fucking sweatband and then i ended up wandering off and drunkenly calling this guy because i didn't know where i was and he came to pick me up and i was beligerant and dressed like a fucking superhero. i guess this picture was taken before i completed my metamorphosis into drunken captian america. i don't know why my head looks so big in it.

hm now i am thinking about how i was in a constant state of melancholy for like 9 months. i really am not sure if anybody noticed. i fucking hope not. it's kind of strange how long you can be totally despondent and just keep floating through life. like when you're thirteen and you're sad everything is so dramatic and you slam doors and try holding your breath until you die but then later when you are a grown up you are like wow i don't even have the energy to even fucking think about anything i guess i will just keep waking up early and hating everything and maybe later i can get drunk enough to pretend to relate to other people.
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