Friday, June 29, 2007

where is seth?

dag i was pretty sure i would have an awesome comment like POOR PEOPLE AREN'T ALLOWED TO HAVE DREAMS? SHUT UP YOU STUPID BITCH!


Wednesday, June 27, 2007

but only raise your hands if you're poor

i got a job so i guess i'm not a fat stupid slug on umemployment anymore. i'm like a lawyer or something. i foreclose on people's houses and shatter their dreams. ha. like people who can't afford a house are allowed to have dreams. DREAMS ARE NOT CHEAP! i should know, i have tried to have dreams before and they all end with me listening to "we could be heros" by aphex twin and crying on the floor.

Friday, June 22, 2007

guess who is on unemployment

me i am on unemployment. fuck yes.

if you do not think it is awesome that i am on unemployment, fuck off.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

call me ishmael

this is my grandmama's house. she died when i was in college. i remember my dad calling in the middle of the night to tell me she would be dead by morning, how she had chewed her own tongue off, and i was incredibly stoned and dry mouthed and i didn't care and couldn't think of anything to say. my uncle lives in that house now. i spent the majority of my childhood with him. while everybody else was learning how to ride a bike my uncle was teaching me to be a revoloutionary. i spent my seventh year telling anyone who would listen that i didn't need a weatherman to tell me how the wind blew. sometimes when i look at him surrounded by notebooks and art books and clippings, pills and disjointed musings scribbled on the backs of coffee stained circulars, i feel ashamed of myself for never becoming anything. my uncle knows more stories than anybody and i always wanted to hear them. after he told me the story of moby dick i wanted to draw it. i stacked books in between our papers because i didn't trust him not to look. we both drew pictures of the white whale sinking the ship but mine included ishmael floating on queequeg's coffin. because if ishmael hadn't survived, i explained, we wouldn't know the story.

yesterday i played with clay while he perused genesis for intimations of lilith. "'god said, let us make man in our own image, in the image of ourselves.' who is us? hm." the thwack of pages thumbed through frenetically as his inquisition changes course. "here." i set my clay creation in front of him. "this is fall on his knees man." he stares at it for a minute furrowing his brow. "you don't like him?" out of the pandemonium that is his living room he produces a book on rembrandt in less than three seconds. "he's not 'fall on his knees man.'" he says. "he's lazaurus."

Sunday, June 17, 2007

i don't even like pharmeceutical drugs but i had to take a painkiller to fix my life yesterday and i am sitting at the bar staring at the wall and having an important conversation with myself inside my warm little head and this guy comes up to sabrina and is like I GUESS ME AND MY AIR FORCE BUDDIES CAN COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND GANGBANG YOU AND I GUESS PROBABLY THAT CHICK NEXT TO YOU TOO. and she is like THAT IS HER BOYFRIEND I GUESS YOU SHOULD ASK HIM. he didn't ask because he probably didn't want to get his head slammed in a car door by an underfed maniac. then after everyone left except me and sabrina he came back to ask us if we were sure we didn't want to get a train pulled on us or something and that is when i realized he was wearing a dog collar. that was also when ed had to throw him out because ed is like my creepy bar dad. my creepy bar dad that probably wants to molest all my friends, but still my creepy bar dad, and apparently i am not getting raped on his watch even if he has to sneak me out the back and WALK ME HOME because arnold friend decided to wait outside for us while staring in like a psycho. this is the part where i say WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE. who walks up to people and asks them if they want to be gang raped by him and his imaginary friends. because i didn't even see any friends. i guess maybe they were outside in the gold convertible waiting for him to break in the screen door. SORRY SIR IT TURNS OUT MY RAPE CARD IS FULL THIS EVENING. PERHAPS ANOTHER TIME. jesus.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

today i had to drive out into the middle of nowhere to drop someone off i made sabrina drive and i was so hungover i couldn't even direct her to the expressway because i forgot the words for concepts such as "left" "right" and "street." then we drive to nowhere land and then on the way home my tire exploded. i am like I CAN ACTUALLY CHANGE A TIRE but then i didn't have a jack or whatever in my car so these crazy meth face dudes come and try to help us until sabrina started feeling like we were in deliverance so we started walking and we walked like three miles and ended up at this stupid mall in the suburbs and we went to the rainforest cafe. the rainforest cafe makes me want to stab myself in the stomach and pull out my own intestines and i was so sure the bartender drugged my pineapple juice that i didn't even drink it even though it was $3.75. sabrina signed up for triple a so they would come get us and they sent us henry lucas. like i pretended i didn't shut the door all the way when we get into his truck because i had to make sure it opened from the inside that's how psychotic this guy looked. then the guy has to tow my car to go put air in it because my spare tire is flat also and at the gas station i found a TROJAN MAGNUM BOX and it says SORRY WE COULDN'T HELP YOU CALL US AND WE'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. THESE WHITE TRASH METH FACES LEFT US THIS. ON A RIPPED OFF PEICE OF CONDOM BOX. it was the only paper they had in the car. that was what it said on the other side which almost made me want to call them because it was kind of hilarious. we had to take streets all the way home because psycho killer from prison told me my other tire is going to blow out at any moment. we didn't get back to my apartment until like 9.

sabrina is talking on the phone to her mom right now about how she didn't want to look at methface guy's mouth because it looked like he was chewing on a peice of wood for ten years. good thing i am one of those stupid people who thinks shit like this is fun otherwise i probably would have started crying OH LOOK AT MY STUPID LITTLE CAR WITH WRITING ALL OVER IT FROM THE IMPOUND LOT AND NOW I HAVE TO WALK SEVEN MILES FOR SEVEN HOURS TO FIX MY LIFE. no i actually enjoyed being stranded in the middle of the highway surrounded by the dregs of humanity.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

just shake it off and go home

i don't have a job anymore because i got LAID OFF. laid off is what you get when you are the shittiest ever worker and do things like take two weeks off and tell your boss you are having an ectopic pregnancy and they are like too far beyond incredulous to actually fire you. oh i'm sorry the two weeks off was when my fake cousin was in a near fatal accident and i had to fly to santa monica to monitor her feeding tube. the ectopic pregnancy thing was like three days after i got back from that aka tahoe. having a conversation with your boss about your fake ectopic pregnency is hilarious.

for no good reason here is a picture of me shooting a gun.

then i had a fake job interview with random house aka i went to maine and then i get back and my boss is basically like YOU'RE FIRED but then he wanted me to finish this report i was writing which i hated because i wanted to get the fuck out of there and then when i finished it it took him three hours to read it so i got to sit around and i couldn't even pretend like i was doing anything so i walked around and went into the kitchen and stole like three hundred samples of blistex out of the first aid cabinet and then i ate someone's sandwhich out of the fridge. then i was super bored so i decided to uninstall every program on my computer including windows.

i never even got to wear the fake cast from when my roommate fake broke his foot what the fuck. i was so confused that i was fired that i pretty much wandered around and wondered why there was nothing cool to steal. seriously three hundred samples of blistex was the coolest thing i could find. not even like tubes of blistex, like plastic packets of it. now they are all in my desk at home and will probably sit there until the end of time. if you ever come over and you have chapped lips you are in luck.

thank god the corporate world has never had to deal with a degenerate like me i guess and didn't even know how to fire me so they like amicably laid me off so i can collect unemployment, or try to. collecting unemployment is pretty much my biggest dream in life.

i don't even know why i ate that sandwhich i wasn't even hungry and then i threw away all the shit that was in my cubicle like three pairs of shoes because i was like WHO NEEDS ALL THESE SHOES WHEN I DON'T HAVE TO COME TO WORK EVER AGAIN. somehow i am of the mentality that i am never going to have to work again.

also i still wake up in the morning and ride my bike to work but since i don't work anymore then i just ride around in traffic dodging cars and listen to pigeon john this is what i love so how do i get someone to pay me for doing it?

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

who the fuck is sauce money

new york was cool don't ask me what i did there because then i will tell you nothing and you will be like HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. like when i went to paris for a month and people asked me what i did there and i was like UH I DON'T KNOW WALKED AROUND. that is truly what i did there. walked around and probably stopped somewhere and then walked around. and then got drunk and walked around. and then did shit like going to the louvre for five minutes and leaving after getting irritated at how it was interfering with my walking around. i guess i should write a book about walking around because i've done it everywhere. i guess if you want to ask me about new york you should be like HOW WAS THE WALKING AROUND? because then i could tell you the walking around was pretty good i mean i actually got a blister on top of a blister and still continued to walk around anyway unlike last time i went to new york and boycotted the walking around when my feet started bleeding.

if i was stupid enough to believe in things like past lives i would probably think i lived in new york in one of them because i somehow knew how to take the train to williamsburg by magic. like dave starts looking at this map and i'm like OH WE DON'T NEED TO LOOK AT THAT WE JUST GET ON THE 2 OR 3 AND THEN TAKE IT TO J Z P WHATEVER. and i was right i have no idea where the words were even coming from it was like god himself was speaking through me. except it was coming out in englilsh instead of aramaic and it actually made sense.

also during the walking around we got lost and ended up at some projects. are these projects or just really shitty apartments? i wondered. they were projects. is this where old dirty bastard came from? i asked that one out loud. ARE WE AT THE BROOKLYN ZOO OF WU TANG FAME??? i was very excited. but no. no we were not. the only people of reknown from these projects were jay z and someone named sauce money. i was not impressed with that visit to the projects.

i guess if i was going to rate the walking around in new york i would give it four stars. probably i would give it five stars except the walking around in times square made me want to kill myself a little bit.

i also didn't take any showers the whole time i was there which kind of made me wish i hadn't been there before so i could claim to have never taken a shower in new york. i didn't even need to take a shower because they didn't have alleys where we were at so all the garbage was on the street and everything smelled like garbage. I MAY NOT HAVE SHOWERED FOR FOUR DAYS BUT I STILL SMELL BETTER THAN THE AIR.
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